Medical Humor

Those of us in the medical industry know that humor is the best medicine, so here are some good medical jokes to help you through your day!

A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.

"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"

The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.

The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam."

"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.

"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."

In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"

3 Doctors are at a Convention talking Shop.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him."

Heard on Jay Leno's monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."

How is an undertaker like a bottle of cough syrup? They both take away the coffin.

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

The CEO says, "This is terrific!"

"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

A Nurse Practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths."
The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger!"

A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."

"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.

Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually asked you to return all the presents?

Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."

A woman tells her doctor " I want a hysterectomy."

The doctor asks " Why Mrs. Koslowski, you're 77 years old?"

She tells him " I don't want any grandchildren."

Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this.

Doctor: Don't do that.

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.

"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy johnny.

"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."

"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."