Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. ~Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ~Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a lookthat says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" ~Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. ~Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. ~Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? ~Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." ~Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? ~Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. ~Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." ~Jerry Seinfield
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ~George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. ~Anonymous
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what to set it to?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
