The Mystery of the Thousand Laptops

This play is the latest in a series of at least relatively short mystery plays performed yearly each summer. Thus it was written for some specific and rather unusual conditions. First of all, it was written for only three actors to play all seven characters. One actor was intended to play Miss Merriwhether, Miss White, and Mr. Green, the second was to play Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard, and the third was to play Miss Peacock and Miss Plum. Second of all, it was written for an unchangeable set, an old-fashioned living room/parlor, with a door to the outside on the left wall, a door to the hallway on the right wall, and an opening to the kitchen on the back wall, which would, in this play, be hung with a dark curtain. It was also intended for a small, rather unruly audience of short attention span accustomed to the characters as they have evolved over the years in these plays. Thus most of the action takes place in the Merriwhether parlor, and time for costume changes (albeit incredibly rapid ones) has been taken into consideration. However, it can be done with up to seven actors, and a change of scene for the cave in scene two would be delightful. The writer started out as an actress, and thus stage directions dictating motivation and expression are abundant, perhaps overly so. They also provide hints to future plot developments. Feel free to disregard them as you see fit. Several laptops are required, as well as several identical sets of diamonds. Other props include: a phone, two flashlights, display stand, candlestick, futuristic pressure-sensitive pad, mantle clock with opening in which diamonds can be hidden, a rope, a wrench, and Mustard’s deactivation device. Costumes are generally dictated by the color of the character. Specifically, you need two cloaks with hoods, handbags for Plum and Peacock, and a wristwatch with stopwatch for Peacock.

CAST:

Miss Merriwhether: Usually, her name is spelled Merriweather. It was changed this year because you never know whether she’s good or bad, clueless or in total control. She is a wealthy, vain, and greedy old woman who hosts the annual party this series of plays depicts. She is incredibly haughty and self-involved.

Miss Scarlet: A clueless, rather ditsy young billionairess with a New York accent and a love/envy relationship with Miss Merriweather. Or at least, that’s how she starts out…

Miss Plum: A new addition this year, born of some switching around of actors. The (alleged) daughter of Professor Plum, a businesslike woman with a slight british accent.

Miss White: A disgruntled, hardworking, incredibly bitter foreign maid who has worked for Miss Merriweather for decades. She is constantly getting fed up with her position, the thankless and uncleanly party guests, and especially her pampered and heartless mistress.

Colonel Mustard: A somewhat bumbling army officer who often turns out to be the culprit. This year, he is a seasoned FBI agent. But his history is not entirely behind him…

Miss Peacock: Traditionally, a wealthy Southern Belle. She has retained the accent, but there is something vaguely different about her this year, and she seems almost frantic to prove that she is, in fact, Miss Peacock.

Mr. Green: The butt of the requisite annual lawyer joke: a rather bumbling but self-assured attorney and a thinly-veiled imitation of my father, who is one of our regular audience-members.

And that’s the cast. A lot of things happen to them, though, and few of them are who they initially claim to be, but I didn’t want to spoil it too much for you. Thus in order to truly understand the implications and hidden clues in their lines and action, the play in its entirety should be read by the actors (well, obviously) so they are cognizant of who they truly are.

SCENE I

The lights come up. Merriwhether and Scarlet are sitting in the parlor. The phone rings and Merriwhether answers it. Scarlet is typing on a laptop, but occasionally looking up at Merri. (Items within *s are not heard, but represent Miss Plum’s dialogue and serve to help the actress (or actor) playing Merriwhether to properly time and emote responses.)

Merri: Hello, may I help you? (*Yes, is this Miss White?*) (visibly miffed) No, this is not Miss White, this is Margaret Merriwhether! Do I sound like a heavily accented, utterly incompetent, often subordinate and treacherous, yet attractively inexpensive foreign maid? (Scarlet looks at her suggestively, but Merriwhether doesn’t notice.) (*I don’t know, do you?*) Well, of course not! (Scarlet goes back to typing.) Miss White asked for a day off this morning, which I granted her, despite her rather suspicious manner in asking, since really, her manner is always rather suspicious. So I am stuck lowering myself to the level of servanthood by performing such duties as speaking to people like… ahem… (sparklingly) may I ask with whom I’m speaking? (*Yes, this is Penelope Plum.*) Penelope Plum… (Scarlet stops typing. Her eyes widen but remain on the screen. She begins to type at a mad pace. Merriwhether should pause, thinking, until Scarlet has begun to type before continuing.) I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of you. You must have the wrong number. (about to hang up) Pardon? (*I said, I’m Professor Plum’s daughter.*) Why, I wasn’t aware he had a daughter. In fact, I wasn’t even aware he had a wife. How strange… (Scarlet looks up inquisitively. Merriwhether glances at her; she goes back to her laptop and types furiously again, but slows her pace through the next line and pause.) Ah, well, in any event, how may I help you, Miss Plum? (*I was calling to inform you that Professor Plum will be unable to attend your party this weekend.*) Oh, he won’t? (Scarlet stops typing for a brief moment as her eyes raise from her laptop to Merri again, but she quickly continues typing slowly and otherwise does not move. Her eyes remain fixed on Merriwhether, who does not notice. ) How unfortunate. May I ask why not? (*He has taken suddenly ill.*) Oh, how dreadful. Well, that’s too bad. Thank you for notifying me. (about to hang up again. Scarlet looks quickly back down at her screen.) (*Wait!*) Yes? (*My father had a gift he wanted me to give you.*) Your father had a gift? For me? (Scarlet, still looking at Merriwhether, pulls her hair behind her ear on the side closest to Merriwhether with the air of an FBI agent uncovering a hidden microphone transmitting back to her partner in the unmarked van across the street and continues typing, looking back down at her laptop. Merriwhether continues, bitterly disappointed.) Ah, well, I suppose it will have to wait for some other time, won’t it? Unless… Why, Miss Plum, would you be willing to come bring it by for him? (*Why, of course, Miss Merriwhether.*) How perfect. Well, I have a wonderful idea! Why don’t YOU come to the party in your father’s place, and then you can bring by this…gift… that he has for me, and join us for the evening! (Scarlet, eyes on laptop, smiles.) (*Why, that sounds just lovely, Miss Merriwhether!*) Excellent. (regally) We shall see you this weekend, then. (*You and Miss White?*) Well, yes, Miss White and I, but I was speaking in the royal “we”… (*Of course. How silly of me.*). Well, thank you very much, Miss Plum. Until this weekend, then! (She hangs up the phone with a flourish and looks suspiciously at Scarlet, who has stopped smiling a moment before and is seriously typing away. She looks up.)

Scarlet: Problem, Margaret?

Merri: (graciously) You can call me Miss Merriwhether. No problem, really dear. Professor Plum has fallen suddenly ill, so his daughter will be… taking his place… at the party this weekend.

Scarlet: I see. (overly casual) And didn’t you say you will also be debuting your newest acquisition, the famed Dead Man’s Diamonds, discovered clutched in the icy death-grip of a sunken Egyptian corpse and coveted around the world by billionairesses and diamond thieves alike?

Merri: I did indeed.

Scarlet: It sure should be an interesting party, Margie.

Merri: Miss Merriwhether, if you please. And it will be interesting, dear. It most definitely will.

BLACKOUT

SCENE II

The lights do not come up. Instead, a cloaked and hooded figure with a flashlight enters from the right side of the back wall, which is hung with dark-colored fabric or curtains at least vaguely resembling the wall of a cave or basement. The figure shines the flashlight across the audience, sweeps it back in the other direction, looks around, and then sneaks back out to the left of the back wall. Miss White enters from the right of the back wall with a flashlight, also wearing a hooded cloak which covers face and apron, rendering her unrecognizable. She sits on the floor and sets the flashlight beside her so that she is at least partially illuminated, then removes the cloak, revealing her identity. When finished, she aims the flashlight at the right side of the back wall. The first figure parts the fabric and enters, with a turned-off flashlight, in the darkness on the left side, opposite of where Miss White’s flashlight is aimed. Thus preferably Miss White’s flashlight should have a narrow beam outside of which it does not illuminate much. This figure switches on its flashlight, aimed at the seated Miss White, who jumps and whips her flashlight over to the figure. The figure laughs, switches off her flashlight, and, still lit by Miss White’s flashlight, removes her cloak as well, revealing purple attire of a sinister nature. She is carrying a briefcase, which she sets down as she sits beside Miss White. She pulls a laptop from the case and opens it. It is already on. She pulls up some files during the next dialogue. Miss White turns off her flashlight when the laptop is opened, and they are illuminated by the bluish glow of the screen.

Plum: Glad to see you could make it, Miss White.

White: Yes, it is miracle—tightwad employer actually give me first day off in forty years of dedicated service. Of course, I spend it not relaxing by de ocean or visiting my thirteen hungry brothers and sisters in Russia, but in a dark, dingy cave which could use a good scrubbing.

Plum: Unfortunate, Miss White, and (looking disdainfully around) quite true. However, if we are successful in our mission, your silverware- and cave-scrubbing days will be over for good. Once we abscond with the Dead Man’s Diamonds (discovered clutched in the icy death-grip of a sunken Egyptian corpse and coveted around the world by billionairesses and diamond thieves alike) and unload them on the black market, we will be living in the lap of luxury! I’ve lined up a buyer already, a wealthy and jealous billionairess who is willing to pay a cool twenty million upon delivery. With your twenty-five percent, you’ll have enough to build yourself a seaside mansion and feed your thirteen hungry brothers and sisters for the rest of their lives.

White: (Or at least a good square meal or two. I am thinking this will be quite a large seaside mansion, and with real estate prices the way dey are, dasvedanya!) Yes, I am hoping you are right. But what I don’t understand is, why are we not splitting de money 50-50? Maybe you think “Ah, she peasant from Russia, she not too bright, she used to government taking her money anyway,” but I know, I have lived in America these past forty years and I have learned the American way. I have lawyer!

Plum: Naturally, I understand your concerns. I can promise you I by no means trying to cheat you. First of all, there is another, undisclosed member of our team who is crucial to the success of our scheme due to certain…complications. This person has demanded a thirty-percent cut. This leaves seventy percent, which you and I split evenly, leaving you with twenty-five percent. So you see, it’s simple mathematics. Of course, you, as the insider, are crucial to the operation. Now, are you ready to go over the plan?

White: Yes, I am ready.

Plum: All right. Here it is: the diamonds will be displayed for the party, here (pointing at screen) . I have located the ventilation shaft which will allow undetected entry into the room. I will be harnessed and lowered from the shaft so as not to trigger the touch-sensitive floorpads. I will divert the laser shield surrounding the diamonds and nab them. I will then sneak them out of the house and deliver them to our purchaser.

White: Dis mission is sounding strikingly impossible.

Plum: Oh? And why is that?

White: First of all, dere is no touch-sensitive floorpads, and de ventilation shaft, it is like dis (making small circle with hands) Also, de party, it will be swarming with de billionaires who is wanting de diamonds. So dere will be people searching anyone who is leaving. And once dey have been discovered to be missing, no one will be allowed to leave de house until de diamonds have been found.

Plum: So what do you suggest?

White: (thinking) What we are needing is a set of false diamonds identical to da real thing, which you will plant on Miss Merriwhether. Den, you can steal de diamonds and hide dem in de house. When de police is called, dey will first search de people. When dey find dem on Miss Merriwhether, everyone else will be allowed to go free, no suspicion, see? (diabolically) Another benefit of dis plan is, Miss Merriwhether, she will be arrested, as she should be for her employment, not to mention cruel and underpaying treatment, of illegal-alien foreign maid. Me!

Plum: Why, that’s brilliant, Miss White! I have a friend in the business I shall contact now (beginning to type) who can produce just such false replicas as we’ll need. I shall bring them to the party, to which I have already gained access by convincing Miss Merriwhether I am the daughter of the arrogant and interfering Professor Plum.

White: Very good. And now, I must leave you. It is time to begin the endless washing and cooking and scrubbing necessary for this, the last of the stupid parties I will ever be forced to work work work myself to the bone for! Soon I will be free forever! (Miss White laughs evilly as she stands, turns on flashlight, and exits, her laugh echoing and slowly fading after she has left. Miss Plum finishes typing her message, hits “send,” and closes computer, exiting during the ensuing

BLACKOUT

SCENE III

Lights come up on the Merriwhether parlor. A garishly ostentatious, gilded display stand sits in the middle of the room, empty. A knock on the door. A pause, then another knock. A pause. The knock becomes more insistent. Miss White enters from hallway, grumbling and polishing a silver candlestick with a rag, and opens door. Miss Plum enters, now in party dress.

Plum: Why, hello, Miss White. It’s been ever so long! How have you been?

White: Well, Miss Plum, pardon my contradiction, but as you have never as yet attended one of my mistresses galas, and as indeed until several days ago we were entirely unaware of your existence, I don’t see how we can possibly have ever met before.

Plum: How true. I must have mistaken you for another furtive and disgruntled foreign housekeeper I’ve met in my many years as the daughter of the illustrious and educated Professor Plum.

White: Is likely.

Plum: In any event, I have brought this bag, which contains certain tokens of my affection for Miss Merriwhether, which I would very much like to place in her possession (however unnoticed).

White: I see. I would advise dat dis be done during the serving of the hors d’oeuvres. At dis time, Miss Merriwhether’s post-appetizer change of clothing will be laid out in her room, (carefully) third floor, first hall on your right, fourth door on your left. (whispering) Dere will be a secret pocket sewn into de hem into which you may place de diamonds, and dey will not be noticed until dey are actively sought out when de real diamonds have been discovered missing. (louder) Until den, I would suggest that you place your purse in the cloakroom, which is located under de steps to your left, through dis hallway. I would also suggest you keep… (pointedly) out of de way until de party has begun. And now, if you will excuse me, I must finish de preparations for tonight’s predictably cultivated, glamorous, and repugnant company.

Miss Plum exits into the hallway, smiling. Miss White moves reluctantly to the door once more and opens it, a look of revulsion readily apparent. Colonel Mustard enters. He is carrying a laptop.

Mustard: Well, hello, Miss White! (He puts out his hand to shake hers, smiling jovially. She hands him candlestick. He glances down at it and his eyes widen. He hands it back to her.) Getting ready for the party, are you?

White: Yes, I am not yet ready. You are early.

Mustard: Yes, I am. You see, I needed to speak to Miss Merriwhether about a matter…privately…before the party started. (Looking around) Nobody else arrived yet, have they?

White: (suspiciously) No, no one. I will go get Miss Merriwhether. You stay here. Answer door.

Mustard: That I will, Miss White. (She remains, staring at him menacingly) Um, thank you. (She gives him a final threatening glance, as if daring him not to answer the door, then exits into hallway. Mustard sets down his laptop on display stand, opens it. There is a knock. Mustard looks up to door, glances at hallway where White exited, and opens the door. It is Miss Peacock. At least, it looks like Miss Peacock. Kind of. She’s wearing peacock-colored clothes, perhaps some peacock feathers. But it almost looks as though she's trying too hard. Her southern accent is strained and overdone. In any event, she enters carrying a large purse and shakes the Colonel’s hand, exclaiming: )

Peacock: Why, hello, Colonel Mustard. It’s me! Miss Peacock!

Mustard: Yes, I can see that. (quieter) Nobody’s around, you know.

Peacock: Pardon?

Mustard: You know, nobody’s here but us chickens… (he nudges her)

Peacock: (flustered) Chickens?

Mustard: (Gives her a leading look, then one as if catching on. He becomes immediately serious. ) Right! So! You’re Miss Peacock. And I’m Colonel Mustard. Good show. Miss Merriwhether will be down in a minute. (Peacock calmly starts timer on her wristwatch) Approximately. (She stops timer, checks the recorded time, then changes watch mode back to clock. Miss Merriwhether enters sweepingly, and says, in an overly loud voice: )

Merri: Hello, darlings! Wonderful to see you, Colonel Mustard (smiling at him), Miss… Peacock? (this rather uncertainly, with a glance at the feathers, to her. ) New dress? (Peacock shakes her head. Miss Merriwhether continues) Miss White said you had something to speak to me about before the party began? (whispering) The coast is clear!

Peacock: (brightening) Nobody here but us chickens!

Mustard: Right. Well, we’re one team. There’s supposed to be another coming along at t-minus five.

Merri: Five?

Mustard: Minutes. Until the party starts. But until then, we will be debriefing you.

Peacock: Briefly.

Mustard: Right. (Peacock sits down and begins to rummage through her bag as Mustard steps to his computer. Peacock pulls a laptop from her purse and they both begin to type madly for thirty seconds. Peacock slams hers shut and looks up at Mustard, who nods and turns his placidly off. They wait breathlessly for the shutting down sound, sighing audibly with relief when it does, and then turn to Miss Merriwhether, who is perplexed.) Miss Merriwhether, the Federal Bureau of Investigations would like to thank and commend you for your honorable role in the Mission for the Apprehension of Dangerous Diamond Thieves of International Notoriety.

Peacock: MADDTIN.

Merri: Of course, it’s my duty as an American and a billionairess. When I heard your call for a wealthy, garishly extravagant, vain and ostentatious old bag to help you capture the notorious ring of diamond thieves and in the process incur fame and fortune, I knew none but I could fulfill the role with the necessary combination of avarice and good hospitality. So, what do you need me to do? And more importantly, (grinning slyly) how will I be rewarded?

Mustard: Well, my dear Miss Merriwhether, you have already completed the first step by organizing this party to show off the newest addition to your already voluminous collection of precious gems: namely, the Dead Man’s Diamonds, discovered clutched in the icy death-grip of a sunken Egyptian corpse and coveted around the world by billionairesses and diamond thieves alike.

Merri: Yes, I did indeed, although the truth is I do not own nor have I discovered the means of acquiring such a desirable and (greedily) desired set of jewels. Thus I utterly fail to comprehend how your plan will proceed, (pointedly) nor how I will be benefited.

Peacock: Elementary, my dear Merriwhether. You see, we have duplicated, in our labs, the real Dead Man’s Diamonds. It is this set of duplicate stones which we have brought today, and will place on display on this tastelessly gaudy stand you have so graciously provided. The diamonds will be set on (She pulls from her bag a thin, futuristic looking pad) this: a pressure-sensitive device which is digitally linked to the locks we have installed on all the doors and windows of your home. Once the device has been activated, the removal of the diamonds will trigger all the locks to automatically snap shut, and no one will be allowed out of the house until the false diamonds have been found. The culprit and any he or she implicates will be apprehended, and you will not only gain the adulation of endangered billionairesses across the country for your role in their capture, but you will also be allowed to keep the false set of diamonds, which (pointedly) no one need know are not real…

Merri: I see. So it will be believed by all that I am the owner of the most sought-after set of jewels in the nation, and I will be generally acknowledged once and for all as the wealthiest and most beautiful woman on the planet!!! (She has become entirely caught up in her own rapturous view of the future.)

Mustard: Right. Well. I’ve got the “diamonds” (He does little finger quotation marks, removes diamonds from coat pocket, and sets them on the stand.) Miss Peacock will set up the… (gesturing at it) device thing… in a moment. The other team should be arriving (checks watch) any second. Miss Peacock, if you wouldn’t mind staying here and waiting, I’ll show Miss Merriwhether the other security measures we’ve put in place. (She nods. He and Merri exit. Peacock stares after them, then opens front door and looks searchingly out. She shuts it, looks around once more, and goes to her laptop, opening it gingerly and muttering to herself as she logs on to an e-mail account. A “You’ve Got Mail!” proclamation from the computer would not be amiss.)

Peacock: (dropping her accent) Thank goodness, they didn’t seem to notice. Now, I should have a communication from the Boss… (here would be the spot for the proclamation) Ah, yes. Wonderful! (She scans it carefully several times, nods, and deletes the e-mail. If possible, the computer should say “This message will self-destruct in five seconds” and smoke should emit from the laptop. The computer should then say “Knock, Knock, Neo.” Two knocks on the front door. Peacock looks up, startled, turns off the laptop, but ignores the door. Instead, she darts out of the room. The knocking continues, pauses, comes again. Then there is the sound of a lock being jimmied, and the door opens. It is Mr. Green. He sneaks in and looks around, then starts at the sounds of footsteps in the hall. He goes back to the door, pulling it almost shut behind him but leaving it open a crack just as Miss Peacock re-enters. She is carrying a set of diamonds identical to the ones Mustard placed on the stand. She picks up the set on the stand, takes out the pressure sensitive device, and sets it down on the stand. She then sets down the diamonds she has brought into the room and turns on the device. She looks around the room, then leaves, carrying the diamonds she took from the stand. Once she has left, Green gingerly reopens the door and re-enters. )

Green: Well, that was certainly suspicious. Not that funny business like that isn’t to be expected tonight, but I could’ve sworn that was Miss Peacock, and she’s supposed to be on the other team of agents along with the Colonel… Come to think of it, though, I had heard a rumor that this whole thing was a molehunt. Of course, they’re always warning me of that, my name being Tom and everything… And people are always telling me I look like Tom Cruise. Or is it Tom Hanks? Tom Jones? But the point is, maybe they were right this time. I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll have to keep an eye on that… (Miss Peacock reenters from the hallway, sees Green, and jumps. Green notices her, also registers shock but quickly hides it, and the completion of his sentence is a greeting, as if delighted to see her.) …Miss Peacock!

Peacock: Why, Mr. Green! (suspiciously) How did you get in here? (regaining her composure) I mean to say, I didn’t hear the maid answer the door.

Green: (casually) Yes, well, no one seemed to be about, so I had to let myself in. Standard Bureau Lockpicking Kit…

Peacock: (flustered) Why, yes… Of course. Just arrive, did you?

Green: (smiling widely, suggestively) Just a moment ago.

Peacock: (now in total control) Wonderful. But wherever is your partner? It’s (looking at watch) t-minus three now, isn’t it?

Green: (He narrows his eyes at Peacock, then makes a mental decision. Frankly.) Couldn’t make it.

Peacock: (skeptical) Couldn’t….make it?

Green: (It is now his turn to be caught off guard.) Yes, well, you see, uh, death in the family, real sudden… Couldn’t be helped. Apologies all around, wish I could be there, send me a postcard, you know the drill… Couldn’t be helped.

Peacock: (suddenly looking him over, suspicious, advancing on him as he retreats, pressed against the door. Her accent fades.) Couldn’t, could it? Biggest mission of the year, maybe of your career, and your partner just skips. Death in the family, did you say? Really sudden, did you say?

Green: (weakly) Behind you…

Peacock: Oh, you think I’m going to fall for that one, do you? And just who or what is behind me?

Green: Miss Scarlet.

Peacock: (unbelieving, but shocked into checking, she half turns) Miss… Scarlet! (who has just entered the room from the hallway. Peacock’s last word was addressed to her by way of pleased greeting, unconsciously echoing Green’s greeting of herself just moments ago. Her accent has miraculously resurfaced.) Whatever are you doing here?

Scarlet: Gee, it’s great to see you, too, Miss Peacock. (looking at her quizzically) D’you get your hair dyed or something? (Miss Peacock shakes her head innocently.) Anyway, I’m here because I’ve been staying with Miss Merriwhether for the past week in anticipation of this charming event, having coffee, comparing the size and quantity of our engagement rings, cordially insulting one another at every opportunity…you know, engaging in the traditional pursuits of fellow billionairesses in companionship.

Peacock: Of course.

Scarlet: Why, hi there, Mr. Green. I didn’t even see ya there.

Green: Good evening Miss Scarlet.

Scarlet: Anyway, I just came out to tell you to come in to the dining hall. Miss White is serving the hors d’oeuvres.

BLACKOUT

INTERMISSION

Lights come up, music plays. Sign is in place. It reads: "Intermission, thirty seconds. Please stay seated. Feel free to discuss with your neighbors the many merits of this work of theatrical brilliance, or to peruse your playbill."

SCENE IV

The lights go down and come up in, surprise, the Merriwhether parlor! The diamonds are still in place. Miss Merriwhether enters in a different dress and walks to display case. She gazes at the diamonds for several moments with an inscrutable look on her face, vaguely pleased, partially amused. She smiles down at them, then walks to the front door, opens it, and exits. A beat later, Miss Plum walks into the room from the hall, shutting the door carefully behind her. She walks around the room, searching for a hiding place. She finds one in the clock on the mantle, checks it carefully, and nods. She takes several deep breaths, dashes to the stand, picks up the diamonds with one hand while plugging an ear with the other, runs to the clock, throws them in, slams it shut, and puts the other finger in her unplugged ear while running towards the door to the hallway. She unplugs one ear to open the door, looks around, realizes no alarms are going off, and slowly unplugs the other ear. She looks around. No one is coming She slowly opens the door and walks calmly and casually into the hall. Several long beats. Nothing happens. Then Colonel Mustard walks in from the hall. He looks around the room, surveying calmly. His eyes sweep past the stand once, then he does a double take and notices they are missing. He presses a button on his watch and begins yelling into it.

Mustard: Calling all Agents! Calling all Agents! The Dead Man’s Diamonds, discovered clutched in the icy death-grip of a sunken Egyptian corpse and coveted around the world by billionairesses and diamond thieves alike, have been stolen! Round up all the guests and keep them in the billiard room. Then report to the parlor. I shall rendezvous with you in a moment… I have some…business… to take care of.

Colonel Mustard runs out into the hallway.

BLACKOUT

SCENE V

After several seconds, the lights come up. Mr. Green walks into the parlor. A moment later, he is joined by Miss Peacock. Green: (turning to face Peacock) Why didn’t any alarms go off?

Peacock: (shrugging) We didn’t think of having any. But no matter. The doors and windows have all locked. There’s no escaping now.

Green: Is everybody in the billiard room?

Peacock: Well, everybody I could find. But a couple people are still missing, like Miss Scarlet… (Mr. Green begins coughing violently. Miss Peacock looks at him suddenly, suspiciously.)

Green: (innocently) How strange.

Peacock: Yes, quite strange, isn’t it… (The accent fades away) Even…suspicious… So tell me… (suddenly) do you know where she is? I bet you’re in league with her, aren’t you? Don’t try to fool me, I’ve been watching you, and you two have been furtively communicating all night, whispers in passing, and meaningful glances. You’ve been acting suspiciously since you first got here, your partner mysteriously vanished. So tell me. Has Miss Scarlet escaped with the diamonds somehow, or is she hiding somewhere in the house? Or is she…

Green: (interrupting, grasping at anything, she is not really behind Peacock. Yet.) Behind you?

Peacock: Again, this trick! Do you think I’m so easily distracted?

Green: Look, I can explain everything. Just

Scarlet: (who has just entered from the hallway) give him a chance.

Peacock: (whipping around, viciously, the accent gone for good) Miss Scarlet! If you will please head to the billiard room with the other guests, I have some business to settle with my fellow, uh…

Scarlet: (Her accent, too, suddenly gone, also never to return) Federal agent?

Peacock: (spluttering) What? Why… How did you…?

Green: It’s as I’ve been attempting to tell you, Miss Peacock

Scarlet: If that is your real name…

Green: Miss Scarlet is my partner.

Scarlet: That’s right. I’ve been working deep undercover on this case for months now. I’ve been posing as a wealthy billionairess to get close to Miss Merriwhether. I also initiated to heist itself in order to lure the thieves into the trap we intended to set.

Peacock: How?

Scarlet: I am the wealthy and jealous buyer to whom the nefarious gang of diamond thieves thought they would be selling the Dead Man’s Diamonds,

Green: (smugly) Discovered clutched in the icy death-grip of a sunken Egyptian corpse and coveted around the world by billionairesses and diamond thieves alike!

Scarlet: That’s right. (urgently, to Green, she has news to report) And now…

Peacock: (interrupting) But why didn’t you tell me about it when I first saw you come in?

Green: I heard something about this operation being a molehunt, and I didn’t want to reveal my partner’s identity to a potential mole. And let me tell you, I’m not the only one who’s been acting suspiciously. This play is full of incredibly suspicious actors. And do you know what I saw you doi…

Scarlet: (interrupting) But Green, I have to…

Peacock: (interrupting) But if you’re… (pointing at Scarlet) … that means you’re (pointing at Green) and so… (her face lights up with sudden, horrified revelation) I must go! (she rushes into the hall)

Scarlet: But wait, I…

Green: (shouting out after Peacock) Hey! I’ve got some questions for you to answer. Just what was all that funny business with the diamond switching? Come back here! (runs out after her)

Scarlet: (calling after him) But wait! Agent Green! I know who the culprit is… The head of the Diamond Thieves… It’s Miss Plum! And she’s working with someone… an insider, I think… but I don’t know who… And there’s something very funny about this whole case… Green? (to herself) Oh, well, you wanna get something done, you gotta do it yourself… (she, too, runs from the room)

A moment later, Miss Plum enters, quietly and cautiously, looking around. She does the little quick dashes from furniture piece to furniture piece, hiding behind and peering from each when she gets behind it, then dashing on to the next one, until she reaches the clock. She gives one last, long, careful look around, listens strainedly, and, satisfied, turns to clock, opens it, and pulls out the diamonds. As she is turning around, Colonel Mustard runs into the room. Time slows down. He sees her, and advances to her slowly, looking very serious. She slowly puts out the hand with the diamonds, looking ever so slightly…contrite?

Mustard: You’d better hand those over to me.

Plum: Yes.

Mustard: (Time speeds back up) They won’t think to search me.

Plum: (smiling) That’s right.

Mustard: Well done, Plum. I’ll take it from here. (Green bursts in from hall)

Green: I heard that! What exactly is going on here? (Mustard and Plum turn to him, Mustard smiling in an intimidating fashion.)

Mustard: Ah, Mr. Green. I was wondering when you’d catch on. Too late, it seems. You see, I’m the mole.

Green: You… what? But I thought… Miss Peacock…

Mustard: Yes, Miss Peacock’s blustering, unprofessional manner was the perfect cover. Beside her, who would suspect upstanding, reliable Colonel Mustard? But now, the diamonds are out in the open, and I am going to ensure they are safely removed from the house, so that I can secure my thirty percent. Miss Plum, go to the back door. I will deactivate the locks with this device Miss Peacock so blindly provided me with. Shoo! (to Plum, who runs out the hall door) And now… (turning menacingly to Green)

Green: But, there’s something I don’t understand. Those diamonds… they were fakes, weren’t they?

Mustard: Ah. Yes. Except I switched the fakes for the actual diamonds back in the lab. Heh heh heh… And now, to deal with you. (Mustard leaps on Green, wrestles him into a chair, produces a length of rope, which he brandishes at Green, who lets out a yelp. Mustard proceeds to tie Green to the chair. In rushes Miss Peacock, brandishing a wrench.)

Peacock: Stop right there!

Green: Miss Peacock, be careful! Colonel Mustard, he’s

Peacock: The mole. I know.

Mustard and Green: But how?

Peacock: This whole operation was a molehunt.

Green: (interjecting) I knew it!

Peacock: (ignoring him) I was sent in disguised as Miss Peacock to locate the mole, but don’t be fooled! It was only a disguise. I am, in fact, of course, Detective Edwards! (Green and Mustard gasp.) I at first suspected you, Mr. Green. But when I realized your evasiveness about your partner had a logical explanation, I realized my error and rushed to find Colonel Mustard before he could escape.

Green: But you’re too late. Mustard already let Plum out with the deactivating device you gave him, and she’s got the real diamonds, which Mustard switched with the fake ones in the lab!

Peacock: Slow down, Agent Green. First of all, do you honestly think I would let Mustard have a real deactivation device? That, of course, is an ineffective replica. Scarlet has apprehended the alleged Miss Plum.

Mustard: Zounds! Foiled again!

Peacock: (Ignoring him, Peacock continues. However, throughout the following speech, as Peacock is caught up in the telling and Green the understanding, Mustard quickly sneaks out the door to the hall.) And second of all, although I was unaware that the diamonds had been switched and were thus the real thing, I in fact, as you witnessed when you first entered the house, switched those diamonds for another false set.

Green: Thank goodness. But why?

Peacock: Well, you see, I received an urgent communication from the Boss who initiated the molehunt, telling me to replace the diamonds on the stand, which I believed to be fake, with a set of miked ones I would find in a violet handbag in the cloakroom, in order to better identify the mole, and to gather evidence for his or her incrimination.

Green: Who is this Boss?

Peacock: Never met him.

Green: And what became of the real diamonds?

Peacock: I was ordered to place them in the handbag from which I had obtained the other set. As it turns out, this was quite fortunate. Now all we must do is go to the handbag and recover the authentic set of jewels. (Green nods, relieved. Peacock smiles and turns to go.)

Green: Um, would you mind? (indicating rope binding him to chair)

Peacock: Of course. (She returns and unties him.) Now, to recover the Dead Man’s Diamonds

Green: Discovered clutched in the…

Scarlet: (entering from the hallway) Stop right there. First of all, I, along, I’m sure, with the entire portion of the audience still conscious, am sick and tired of that ridiculous and obviously fabricated litany. And second of all, it’s not that simple.

Peacock: Why not?

Scarlet: I’ve just been having a long chat with “Miss Plum” (does finger quotation movements), aka Sticky-Fingered Nelly the Nab, working out exactly what their plan was, and it turns out, just as I suspected, there was more to it than meets the eye. You see, before stealing the diamonds, which Colonel Mustard, aka Musty the Mole, would ensure were not fakes but the real McCoy, Nelly had planted a set of fake diamonds on Miss Merriwhether, planning to implicate her and thus avert the attention of the police while the real diamonds, hidden within the house, were removed.

Green: So what’s the catch?

Scarlet: The catch is, these false diamonds were concealed, until Nelly could plant them, in a violet handbag in the cloakroom. And if I overheard you correctly, it sounds like you (to Peacock) switched these fakes with the real diamonds which were sitting on the stand.

Green: (wearily) I’m so confused. (to Peacock) Why did your Boss tell you to switch the diamonds on the stand with the fake ones the Diamond Thieves had brought to plant on Merriwhether?

Peacock: I have no idea. And more importantly, where does that put the real diamonds?

Scarlet: Excellent question, and one whose answer will also answer Mr. Green’s question, and explain in painful detail exactly what really happened at the party tonight. Follow me closely. (Green and Peacock walk to Miss Scarlet, stand directly behind her) Metaphorically. Sit. Listen. (They sit in the floor in front of Scarlet, backs to the audience, and listen.) First, we planned to put fake diamonds on the stand, and then to give them to the greedy Miss Merriwhether as a reward after we had captured the crooks, right? But Musty the Mole switched the sets in the lab, so we took the actual diamonds and put them on display. Enter Nelly with clever plan to frame Miss Merriwhether, some obvious insider help, and a false set of diamonds in her purple purse. Then you (to Peacock) come along and, on the orders of your Boss, switch the supposedly miked set of fakes for the real diamonds on the stand, which you think are fakes. This leaves the real diamonds sitting pretty in the cloakroom.

Green: I don’t understand. Where is this all leading?

Scarlet: I wondered at first too. But then, on a hunch, I asked Nelly who had come up with the plan to plant the diamonds on Merriwhether, and it all fell into place.

Peacock: Who was it?

Scarlet: (triumphantly) Miss White! (Peacock and Green sit in silence, scratch heads, etc. Scarlet sighs exasperatedly.) Don’t you see? Miss Merriwhether responds to our search for a willing billionairess to use as bait. Miss White arranges for a fake set of jewels to be planted on Miss Merriwhether to implicate her once the diamonds are stolen, except they’re planted on her before the diamonds are removed from the stand. And then, coincidentally, you are instructed by an anonymous Boss to make a switch that, unbeknownst to you, put the real diamonds in the bag Nelly thought contained the fakes, and she then plants them on Miss Merriwhether! Miss White and Miss Merriwhether were in league all along in a sinister plot to dupe both us and the Diamond Thieves!

Peacock: Of course! How clever of them. Lucky you saw through it, though. We’d better go find them and tell them the gig is up.

Green: Good idea. So, where are they now?

Scarlet: But don’t you see? The real diamonds were planted on Miss Merriwhether before the doors and windows were locked by the removal of the diamonds on the stand. Miss Merriwhether and Miss White are already long gone!

BLACKOUT

EXEUNT

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