So You Haven't Read Harry Potter:

A Doctor Who's Seen This Sort of Thing Before Tells You What You Can Do

Diagnosis: Not having read the Harry Potter Books yet.

Perscription: My gosh, not having read the Harry Potter books. Yes, well, it's a serious condition, to be sure, but one of which I believe you can be cured. I deal with this type of thing all the time, as many of my own friends are delinquints enough to have not read the books yet either, pleading that they don't have enough time even though there's been an entire summer they could have utilised. But I do, no fear, have a program through which all can be made well, for the nominal fee of five ninety nine ninety seven ($5,099,097,000.00) First of all, you must cleanse yourself of any beliefs that the books are "just for children." This is a conspiratorial hoax perpetrated upon the American public for as yet unknown reasons by high government officials. Once you have done that, you are ready to go find the first book in the series, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, at your local bookstore or library.

Set aside an evening in which you don't need much sleep, because you will be unable to put it down once you pick it up. Repeat this process with the next two books, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, with regular doses of my website at http://angelfire.com/me3/hpotter. The fourth book, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, requires twelve hours or so and probably a good box of kleenex and a teddy bear for the scary parts. Although the books may be addicting and you may want to read them as quickly as you possibly can, try to pace yourself, because the moment you finish the fourth book the truly hard part begins: waiting for book five.

This is indeed a painful process, especially since I have recently been notified that it will not be released until November 2001, the sorrows of which can be partially alleviated by rereading books one through four, keeping up on the rumors about the next book as well as the upcoming movie, and perhaps creating a website of your own. I urge you to join up with fellow Harry Potter fans in a support group to keep one another functioning in this period of waiting. Only together can we withstand the pain, with the reminder ever before us that there are yet at least three more Harry Potter books to come. So quickly, join the club! And call me in the morning.

Need more personal treatement? Feel free to e-mail the resident physician at dragonfyre52@hotmail.com

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