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Joke Rumors

Since there are already plenty of sites with rumors and facts about the upcoming books and since I don't want to copy them directly, and further since I don't seem to have e-mails lining up with original information, I am going to do what the best journalists do when short on information: make stuff up. So here are my own original and completely factual factoids about the remaining books:

Book 5:

Cho Chang will fall madly in love with... Draco Malfoy!
Hermione will run off from school to join Viktor Krum as he tours Europe with his Quidditch team.
Lord Voldemort will defeat Harry, tie up Dumbledore with Ever-tie Magic-ropes, and take over the world. The Slytherins will rule Hogwarts, and Lucius Malfoy will become Headmaster.
Ron will win the Wizard Lotto for a hundred thousand Galleons and buy his family a castle in the hills of Ireland.
Dudley, after a year of intense diet, will shrink to near-normalcy. His parents will then discover that he bribed Harry to make him skinny so that he won’t have to diet anymore, and, fearing that the spell has caused him to become strange or magical and will try to hide him in the broomcloset under the stairs.
Neville will be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Sounds like an exciting book, doesn’t it?

Book 6:

Harry Potter will fall in love with Pansy Parkinson from Slytherin.
Professor Trelawny’s predictions will start coming true.
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia will receive a letter from Hogwarts... saying that Dudley has been accepted for next year’s classes!
Cho will marry Draco.
Hermione will fail a class, ruining her chances to be valedictorian (Ariela...)
Ron will cast a Self-Glorification spell on himself, making himself more famous and popular than Harry.
Professor Snape will be murdered
Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle will form a band, “Big Bad Boys from the Dark Side,” and become the big new name on the Wizarding Wireless Network. Rita Skeeter, freed after a year by Hermione, will torment them with scathing articles.
Harry will be wrongfully accused for the murder of Professor Snape and will be forced to go on the run with Sirius from the dementors.
Dumbledore will go over to the Dark side, becoming more powerful than Voldemort.

Book 7:

Harry Potter will die. On the first page. Hermione will be the main character for the rest of the book, and will defeat Lord Voldemort through her immense magical talent and intellect.

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NOW GO SEE:
Book Five Predictions for my real predictions of what I thought would happen in book five and a post-reading analysis of them.
Book Six Predictions for my real predictions about, believe it or not, book six!

What does J. K. Rowling have to say about upcoming events in book five and more? Find out at Rowling Reveals!

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