"That probably would have sounded more comanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas."
"If life gives you lemons make lemonade. If life gives you sour lemons chuck the god damn lemons back at life and demand fresh ones."
"No, no, NO! No riding the firetruck until you put your pants on.."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you've tried."
"If at first you *do* succeed, try not to look so astonished."
"Damn, that would have been so much more fun with a cattle prod."
"Dear Proffessor Dumbledore, My scar hurt today. Sincerley, Harry Potter"
"I feel better than a nice tub of good things!"
"Oh! Oh! Listen to the bad man say angry things!"
"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go wherever they want to."
"Sir, are you classified as human?"
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die"
"You were just kidding about the voices in your head, right?"
"I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals was that wearen't afraid of vacuum cleaners. "
"Your fingers are too fat to dial this phone number. For a special dialing wand, please smash the number pad with your palm now.."
"Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy!"
"In your dreams, you freaky little gnome!"
"So come on down to Moe's family feedbag for food, fun and whole lotta crazy crap on the walls!"
"It tastes like.....burning..."
"Aunt Petunia often reffered to Dudley as a baby angel. Harry reffered to Dudley as a pig in a wig."
"Harry's off to the Chamber of Secrets to have tea with his fanged servant."
"Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it."
"There is only one rain cloud in the sky... and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised."
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting new discoveries. "
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city"
"The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming. "
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. "
"Love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy "
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. "
"You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker. "
"People tell me I'm deaf. "
"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. "
"You sound almost reasonable. Time to up my medication. "
"Back off! You're standing in my aura. "
"Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose."
"If someone were to hit me over the head with an axe, I don't think I'd remember it too well."
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
"I think we're all like cheese in a way, but I'll be damned if I know what that way is. "
"At this moment I am being attacked by a psycho, and in my efforts to grab something to hit him with, I am accidentally hitting the keys to type this sentence. "
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"I discovered today that goldfish do not like jello."
"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower."
"My friends told me last week that I was abusive. I didn't agree. So I ate them."
"Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then namestreets after them."
"Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam." (I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous boulder at your head.)
"Love is a viper, and I don't like snakes."
"Fortune favors the bold, and that's why my life sucks."
"Hey, let's hear it for the fence."
"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."
"I am a flying cow. Worship me or die."
"If you're so evil, why don't you... EAT THIS KITTEN!"
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."
"The optimist sees the glass as half-full:
"I was gonna kick that guy's ass, but I didn't. Because I'm weak."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."
"Hold still, I'm gonna tear your heart out. It'll be fun."
"Never trust a monkey."
"It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head."
"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives."
"To do is to be. -Descartes
"Humans did not fight their way to the top of the food chain just to be vegetarians!"
"If it screams, it's not food... yet. "
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
"Horn broken, please look for finger"
"There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works."
"I don't care. It's my inner life and I'll be as warped as I like in the privacy of my own skull."
"Oh for heavens sakes, Smithers, this is brain surgery, not rocket science . . . Now hand me that ice cream scoop. "
"You can find humor in anything if your sick enough."
"It is not my fantansy, it is my alternate reality. "
"Don't annoy the crazy person."
"You're just jealous that the voices talk to me."
"The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through is chest, with an axe."
"Diplomacy : The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now"
"Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it."
"The world looks as though it has been it the custody of trolls. "
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. "
"You can't blame me, you didn't see me do it!"
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father."
"Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"Life is like a box of chocolates...that is unless you get the kind that tells you what each one is...then you're just cheating"
"God's last name isn't Damnit"
"We are not great believers in forgiveness. We don't turn the other cheek; We rip off both of yours"
"Jesus loves you. I don't. Get out of my way!"
"I will kill you! And I will keep on killing you until you die from it!"
Do or do not. There is no try. -Yoda
Wherever they burn books, in the end will also burn human beings. -Heinrich Heine
"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways."
"Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking."
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
"My voice is getting tired, so I'm just going to poke you for the next half hour or so."
"Dad, are you licking toads?"
"I read somewhere that cows like to be slaughtered."
"What a glorious day to be that man's foot!"
"There are three kinds of people in the world. The ones that can count and the ones that can't."
"Tenchi, I had a bad dream..can I sleep with you tonite?"
"What a lovely hat, Mrs. Nesbit. It goes quite well with your head."
"Hello? It's your favorite minion of Satan! Anybody home?"
"We should have a sock burning party!"
"Well, think! What would you do if I wasn't here?"
"Alright, so maybe I can't wave around my formerly evil wand and make it all better..but there's gotta be a way!"
"You look awfully smug for a man in a paper coat."
"I don't want to die now, I've stil got a headache. I don't want to go to heaven with a headache, I'd be all grumpy and wouldn't enjoy it!"
"You're turning into a penguin! Stop it."
"One of the things i have always found hardest to understand about humans is their habbit of continually stating and repeating the very obvious. As in, 'it's a nice day' or 'you're very tall' or 'oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty foot well, are you alright?'"
"What the hell is the Universal Friendship Society? Could it get any creepier?"
"Back off Relena. Go harrass Quatre's hair."
"Hello class! Please open your books to page 67 and take out last night's notes. I'm going to drone on and on for about 45 minutes. You are expected to listen, remember and repeat everything I say. If you can't then you're going straight to hell. Now then, let's get started."
"Homer, you're driving like a maniac!"
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
