Summary: Angel explains to Spike the, er...unusual new changes in their family. Buffy and Dawn are amused. Spike is not. A silly ficlet. *COMPLETED, February 2003* PG13

Author's Note: This story has absolutely no point whatsoever. I just couldn't stop laughing at the thought of Angel trying to explain the contorted Drusilla-Darla-Conner thing to Spike. So, yeah, everyone's out of character, and it doesn't exactly fit anybody's mood or attitudes during the time period. It's just goofy. So live with it. ~_^

“You tricked me!” Spike accused, a hurt pout curling down the edges of his lips.

“I didn’t, I swear,” Buffy insisted, still dangling the telephone receiver out to him.

He looked at it like it was a cobra about to strike. “No. Bleedin’. Way.” He made his words as clear and precise as possible.

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Just take the call already,” she complained. “I wanna watch the movie!”

Buffy tentatively tried batting her eyelashes at Spike.

He gulped.

She took that as a sign it was working and added a little sniffle. “Please, Spike?” she in the most piteous voice she could manage.

Dawn turned on her own Bambi Eyes, aiding her big sister.

Spike’s eyes darted around like a scared rabbit’s. He knew he was trapped. Everywhere he looked, big pleading Summers eyes were looking at him. He finally let out a sigh of resignation. “Fine,” he grumbled, snatching the phone from Buffy. “’lo?”

“Haven’t you managed to grow up yet?” Angel’s weary voice demanded at the other end.

“In case I ‘aven’t mentioned it lately,” Spike scowled, “I hate you. You hate me, too? Tha’s nice. Bye.”

“Spike!” Angel exclaimed in exasperation. “This is important family news!”

Spike muttered under his breath but didn’t hang up.

“OK,” Angel said with an odd combination of nervousness and...giddiness? Spike raised an eyebrow at that. “Are you sitting down?” Angel suddenly asked, concerned. “You should probably be sitting down...”

“Yeah, yeah,” Spike said disinterestedly, continuing to stand. “What is it already, Peaches?”

Angel took a deep, unnecessary breath at the other end and barely managed to suppress an excited little giggle. “I have a son!” he finally exclaimed in delight.

Spike rolled his eyes. He paused, slightly baffled, when he noticed Buffy and Dawn watching his reactions a bit too intently while trying not to laugh. Spike shook his head and turned his attention back to his Grandsire. “Real excitin’, Peaches. This is what? Number three?”

“No,” Angel clarified, “not a childe, a son!”

Spike paused. Blinked. Cleaned out his ear with his index finger just to make sure... “Think somethin’s funny with the connection,” he began, “’cause I just ‘eard you say you have a...”

“Son!” Angel repeated. “As in, a normal human child with a mother and everything! I have a son!” There was a loud clunk at the other end of the line, followed by hysterical laughter. “Spike?” he asked tentatively. “Are you still there?”

Buffy picked up the receiver from Spike’s unconscious hand, still giggling at where he’d passed out on her living room carpet. “Sorry, Angel,” she managed to say, laughter still escaping her lips. “We’ve got a small technical difficulty. Spike kinda fainted.” She cautiously nudged the supine vampire with her toe. He didn’t move. “This’ll take a second. Hold on.”

She stepped back and allowed Dawn to approach with a glass of water. Dawn was still giggling uncontrollably but managed to dump the water right on Spike’s face.

He instantly jerked up to a sitting position, sputtering.

Dawn and Buffy cracked up again and fell to the floor. “Your call,” Buffy managed to drop the phone in his lap before the convulsions of laughter overtook her.

Spike gave them both an irritated glare and snatched up the receiver. “Tha’s not possible,” he informed Angel. “Someone pulled one over on ya.”

“No, he really is mine,” Angel insisted. “His name is Connor.”

“Oh, that’s original.” Spike rolled his eyes before trying to talk some sense back into the older vampire. In the meantime, Buffy and Dawn were still laughing, Buffy having rolled up against his side in her mirth. OK, so maybe this bloody ridiculous call had been worth it, just to feel her against him. But still... “Tha’s bloody ridiculous,” Spike informed him. “You’re a vampire! You can’t father children! ‘S not physically possible.”

“It is if the Powers That Be say it is,” Angel retorted. “They’ve got this huge prophecy for me and Connor, and—”

“See?” Spike cut him off. “I told you sidin’ with those do-goodin’ wankers would get you in trouble!”

“But I’ve got a son!” Angel obviously never tired of saying those words.

“Yeah, yeah,” Spike complained, taking a sip out of the half-full water glass Dawn had dumped on him. “Who’s the mother?”

“Darla.”

“What?!”

“Eww!” Buffy exclaimed when a bit of the water from Spike’s impressive spit-take hit her in the face. She started laughing again when she saw his expression, though.

“Darla’s dust!” Spike insisted.

“Yeah, she is,” Angel agreed, “but she wasn’t for a while...”

“You can’t jus’ ‘undust’ for a while!” Spike exclaimed.

“You can if evil lawyers bring you back to life,” Angel retorted. “She was even human again!”

“Darla was human?” Spike repeated in disbelief.

“Well, for a while,” Angel clarified. “She got vamped again, but she willingly dusted herself so that our son could be born...”

“I knew it!” Spike pointed one finger at the receiver accusingly. “I knew this was gonna turn into a soddin’ tale ‘f redemption!”

“Everything’s about redemption,” Angel said solemnly and overdramatically.

Spike rolled her eyes and made gagging noises into the phone. Buffy and Dawn burst out laughing again, and he gave them an annoyed look...

And then his brow furrowed. “Waitta minute...” he began slowly. “You said Darla got resired?”

“Yup,” Angel agreed.

“By who?” Spike dreaded to ask.

“Drusilla.”

Spike’s eyes widened in horror. “Th-That means...”

“That Connor’s your uncle, brother, and nephew,” Angel confirmed, “and that—”

“No, don’t say it!” Spike begged.

“—I’m my own grandpa,” Angel finished.

Spike cringed and scowled into the phone. “In case I haven’t mentioned that I hate you lately...I hate you!”

Angel heard Buffy and Dawn still in hysterics at the other end and then nothing but the dial tone. Not put off in the slightest, he turned excitedly back to Cordelia. “Who do I get to call next?”

Random or what? But fun to write... ^_^