Halloween sucks. I was sitting here at my computer thinking about how much I hate Halloween when I heard a knock at the door. Now, normally on Halloween people will think "Ooooh boy! Tricker treaters!" then run to put on the mask. They open the door very slowly and make some sort of scary noise. (Insert obvious comments on 'scariness' of costume and fake guesses at who is inside) Then they pass out stupid candy and the kids dance off to go rape another idiot who will hand out candy.
So I approached the door and I realized something... I didn't have any candy. What would happen if I didn't have candy? I wasent sure so I decided to make something up. I'm not making this up here...
I gave the little monsters dressed in a $14.99 costume purchased at wallmart. You know what I did as a kid? Instead of spending money on making a costume, I spent money candy. Why go through the ridiculous routine of getting a costume instead of just buying candy? It makes sense, it's simple, it's easy.
But these kids were stupid. They had obviously wasted money on a repulsive costume with glitter and fairy wings rather than buying candy. They deserved to be punished so I gave them beef jerky. Not good beef jerky mind you. But beef jerky that was individually wrapped and tasted like sand. I also added some razor blades.
They were dissapointed but I told them to go away. They demanded more candy so I ate one of them to prove I meant business.
After they left I got to thinking about how to mess with tricker treaters... On the news recently there has been a segment on how convicted sex offenders are not allowed to answer the door on Halloween. I decided this would be the best excuse to not hand out candy. Just put a sign in your yard that looks like this.
They will not only never come back, but they will fear you in public places. To scare away the persistant tricker treaters, dress as Michael Jackson. The scariest sentient being alive.
