I went to a movie the other day. The movie was great, the theater was terrible. In fact most theaters are terrible. Therefore I have decided to compile a list of things that don't belong in movie theaters.
1) Small Children
Little kids in theaters are annoying. While I was watching the movie they kept piping in with stupid comments like "Where did he go? Is he coming back?", "What happened?", "Who's that?" or "I have to go potty." Tough luck kid. You should have emptied yourself of urine before the movie, guess you will just have to explode. I can't be there to hold your hand while you pee every five minutes just because you have a bladder the size of a lego.
2) Heated poofy corn kernals
Some people call it popcorn. I just call it a bad idea. This stuff definately does not belong in a movie theater especially in the hands of a little kid. During the movie a little girl spilt popcorn all over. There was a large pile in the middle of the floor right outside the lights lining the isle. The girl's mother promptly picked up the bucket and emptied the other half all over the floor and tucked the empty bucket conveniently under her seat. Not even an attempt to undo the mess her untrained idiot daughter had done. The little girl then began eating the popcorn right off the theater floor. I hope she caught a terrible dissease and passed it on to her mother. Popcorn is by far the worst food... ever.
3) Cell Phones
Cell phones are not meant to be used in theaters. Turn them off! I hate hearing everyones special "ring". Usually it is some annoying beeping imitation of a song. Besides the fact that it takes them to the 15th ring to find there cell phone they don't even turn it off. They answer it and talk for about 3 minutes before they mention they are in a movie. Then, perhaps by some stroke of inner empathy, they may just hang up. Doubtfull they will turn it off though. Only a matter of time before it's ringing again.
Movie theaters should have a limit on the obnoxious level. The lower the level, the less likely you are to annoy others around you during a movie. The presence of any of the above items automaticly gives you an obnoxious rating of 3,000. If your seeing Spiderman 2 your must have an obnoxious level below 3, if it is above you either can't watch or you have a special section encased in soundproof mirrored glass. If your seeing Garfield you must have an obnoxious level between 40 and 9,000. Garfield was almost as bad an idea as popcorn. At least they aren't coming out with a sequal to the mask.
Some people with high obnoxious ratings still manage to sneak into movies I'm watching and cause me to write things like this.
