Theres something you should know about mountains. You see... the thing about mountains is that they are really big. Picture the tallest person you know, now on most occasions they might seem really tall but they are just peanuts to mountains. Mountains are pretty big.
Some time in the freakish history of mankind someone decided that it would be a fun thing to climb up mountains. Then lots of people decided it was "Aerobic" which is a term reffering to how boring something is. After a while everyone reffered to the act of "climbing a mountain" as "hiking" and all the people who participated in it thought it was great fun while everyone else thought they had the brains of trout.
Sooner or later hikers decided that heading down mountains wasent quite as fun as going up and decided to get it overwith quicker. People attached planks of wood to their feet and slid down the mountain as part of what became known as skiing. Soon after, others invented devices to easily transport people up a mountain in order for them to ski down again. They spent a lot of time riding up theese devices and skiing down again having quite a lot of fun while most everyone else sat around wondering what was so exciting.
Somehow, somewhere, mankind made a terrible terrible mistake.
Skiing is one of the most barbaric and terrible human inventions known to the human race. The first error lies in choosing a skiing resort to go to. Don't worry, there are plenty of ski resorts to choose from. Everything from "Violent Slaughtering Wolf Lodge" to "Angry Awoken Hibernating Mother Bear Peak Suite" Choose the one with the least volcanic eruptions in the past ten years.
Soon after choosing a resort you will be fitted with planks of wood faintly reminicent of an enormous popsickle stick covered in enough velcro to kill a cow. Next you will check to make sure that they automatically release just before they snap your ankles in half, and that your poles are just the right length to inflict puncture wounds on anyone nearby. After waddling like a crosseyed duck over to the ski lift it will nail you in the spine and you will ride up the mountain with severe neck trauma.
Luckily for you there are ratings for each slope that will help you choose the degree of your suicide.
While you sit there struggling to get out of the snow... again... You will be passed by children going at 90 miles an hour. Somes not even children, almost babies. Blind babies. Blind babies with learning disorders will pass you at 90 miles an hour. I kid you not. When skiing, I did a trick known as the 360 Faceplant (An extreemly advanced trick), and I was passed by a girl who could be no older than 6 yelling "WEEEEEEE" and breaking the sound barrier with no noticable effort.
As soon as you roll down to the bottom of the mountain it's time to go back up again. Seem pointless? Of course it isn't... your having FUN! You get to ride back up the Ski Lift across a wire thinner than some used for catching fish. Fear not, it was designed with the average skiers weight in mind. Ignore the fact that the two chairs in front of you are filled with 3 magnificently overweight men.
If you go skiing, you will be passed by a blind baby with a learning disorder who will be having much more fun than you.
