3/11/2005 (2)

Kaufman's corner!

3/11/2005

QUACK...QUACK...QUACK...QUACK...GOOOO DUCKS!

Doug Butabi: So anyways, I’m standing there waiting to use the pay phone.
Steve Butabi: Yeah, he was, seriously.
Doug: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this…
Steve: And who do you think that guy was?
Doug: Emilio Estevez.
Steve: The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there.
Doug: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.
Steve: I was like, "Emilioooooo!"
- A Night at the Roxbury
Hey everyone, Adam Kaufman here. Figured I'd do a little free-write for you since it's about 2 am and there isn't anything on TV. Either that or it's because I don't have cable...I digress...
Either way, I hope for this Kaufman's Korner to be a special one for you all. Or, at least one to sit back and laugh at...ehem, with.
So, I'm sitting here scanning my movie collection of about 400 DVDs and thousands of VHS' (neither an exageration, I assure you), and I come across a set of three movies. Phenomenal ones, appreciated by hockey-loving kids around the globe (perhaps that one was an exageration).
That’s right, The Mighty Ducks Trilogy. These films have inspired many things in Hollywood, sports, and life. The simple question, of course, must be, do we give these movies the credit they deserve?
This is about more than a series of lines and reference points made in other films such as A Night at the Roxbury. This is about one of the most successful sports trilogies ever made, perhaps more renowned than the Major League movies. This is about a professional hockey franchise named after a group of Pee-Wee players from Minnesota. This is about a cartoon spin-off of the movies featuring actual ducks playing hockey. This is about the development of the career of Pacey…err…Joshua Jackson. This is about separating Emilio Estevez from just being known as “Charlie Sheen’s brother” or “Paula Abdul’s ex.” This is about being able to recognize nearly every other one of these characters in his or her later, less acclaimed roles, like that of Fulton Reed in The Butterfly Effect (Quick Note: Grant Thompson, a one-time finalist on ESPN’s Dream Job, is also in that movie) or Connie Moreau in Runaway Jury (with Motor City Mechanics fan John Cusack). This is about a series of kiddy movies that, at whatever age you may watch, still make you feel good inside when the Ducks predictably come through at the end, either in the Minnesota Pee-Wee State Finals, the Junior Hockey Olympics, or against the bigger, badder Varsity team from Eden Hall Academy. This is about continuity, ingenuity, and any other word that ends in “-uity.” Dammit, this is about hockey!
With my employment with the Mechanics, I was forced to take a greater and more vested interest in hockey than I ever thought I would. And, believe me, I could not possibly be happier! But more goes into getting fired up to broadcast a full season of hockey than watching Do You Believe in Miracles on HBO or the special features of the Miracle DVD, renting Sudden Death just because it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme (I mean, involves hockey), reading about famed defensemen Ray Bourque and Paul Coffey enter the Hall, or making pretend the NHL season is not locked out. This is even bigger than making a special trip to the mall to pick up NHL 2005 for Playstation 2...a terrific and realistic game, I might add. I tell you, this is about owning and running constant screenings of The Mighty Ducks Trilogy!
Among the absurdly large DVD collection on my shelves, there one night, months ago, sat the Trilogy in its sealed box, like many other of my DVDs, the set a gift from a friend back at school after I mentioned to her in passing that I constantly wavered whether to buy these three mighty movies. With my back turned, she bought them that very afternoon. That’s a girl, huh?!
Moving on, while opening the special 3-pack box, I could not help but notice that it says virtually nothing on it, nor does it have to, I suppose. We all remember fondly the journey of The Mighty Ducks, D2, and D3. These were three films from writer/director/producer/actor Steven Brill, the same man who wrote Heavyweights, Ready to Rumble, and Little Nicky, directed Mr. Deeds, and had bit parts in Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and Joe Dirt...or, as Mechanics defenseman Tim Laurila would say, Dir-te. Clearly, folks, a very, very creative mind.
And, obviously, the man knew what he was doing. Over the course of three movies, we watched the development of a coach and a bunch of twelve-year-olds grow to the ripe old age of sixteen. Emilio’s hair was short, long, and then somewhere in the middle. Charlie never quite grew up and was always a complainer, just like that Pacey kid or the one he played in The Skulls. Goldberg got big enough to truly block the entire goal, sans pads (but never had the reflexes of either Rod "the Tree" Branch or Cory "Soupy" Campbell). Then, there is heavy-set little Dave Karp, who got the leading role as Gerry in Heavyweights, and then quit acting. Good career move, kid.
Averman realized he was playing hockey, changing his rally chant from “Hey, batter, batter, batter…swiiing batter!” (a la Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) to “Hey, goalie, goalie, goalie…saaaave goalie!” (a la absolutely nobody in this world). By the way, in case you're wondering, this is what Averman ended up looking like. Gee and Connie finally kissed, although you see it in the first movie and then never again. Jesse Hall and his twin Terry play together in the first film and, then, Terry disappears, never to be heard from again. This is later apparently made up for with the addition of another player in the second film, Keenan, from Nickelodeon’s Keenan and Kel, and he is now equally unfunny on Saturday Night Live. Just a judgment call there. Anson Carter, eat your heart out! Fulton Reed learned how to skate. He also got a bash brother, Dean Portman, the most muscular sixteen-year-old anyone has ever seen – he was actually twenty at the time of filming, in non-Hollywood circumstances.
The Ducks also feature Julie “the Cat” Gaffney, young Becky from Rookie of the Year. She is one of just four female Quackers throughout the Trilogy. Let us not forget speedy Luis Mendoza, the quick skater from Miami with an inability to stop cleanly on ice. You may also know Luis from his role as Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez in The Sandlot. After D3, he never acted on the silver screen again, a damn shame if you ask me. I mean that. Then there’s Lane Smith, Gordon Bombay (Estevez)’s old Pee-Wee coach for the Hawks, Jack Reilly, who essentially tears Gordon’s heart out, leading him to quit the game at age nine for an indefinite amount of time, simply for missing a penalty shot in the 1978 State Championship Game (Note: the score was still tied 3-3 and the Hawks later lost in OT). It is worth mentioning that Lane has been in many a serious and foolish film, anything from the WW3 USA mini-series to My Cousin Vinny.
Ranger Dwayne Robertson? Yeah, I thought he had talent, too. Alas, he never went on to do anything more interesting that some stunts in the Hollywood flop, Wild Wild West, an endeavor Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branagh, and Salma Hayek would all love to forget about. Justin Wong played Ken Wu, a figure skater turned puck bully. 'Nough said.
I’m not done yet. In the first and third movies, there is Hans, the wise old man, who seems to see and know everything, up until he dies in the third film. In between, there was Jan (pronounced “Yan”), Hans’ brother, who did not appear in D3. This was a silly and unnecessary storyline. Where was Hans for the D2? Too busy watching his stardom in Lethal Weapon 2 or Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey to film a few scenes? Come on, Hans! We missed ya!
Let’s do more, this is kind of fun. And I'm still awake. Estevez has a female love interest in each of the first two films, ranging from Charlie’s mom (nice, but she later marries someone else when he leaves to pursue a minor league hockey career, only to be cut short by a cheap shot to his knee) to the Iceland trainer (the enemy, this does not go over well with his players) to his team’s trainer (who saves the club from Olympic elimination by posing as the coach in what otherwise would have been deemed a forfeit – there has to be a rules issue here!). The latter also stars as Anna Marvin in What About Bob? Just a fun fact. Another fun fact? It's a favorite movie of Mechanics VP of Hockey Operations, Garry Unger.
From the complaint department: Can someone tell me why Estevez couldn’t coach in the third movie? Did we need Ted Orion trying to scare little kids in the theaters by attempting murder on the Ducks? Was this just to teach us that not everyone is the same deep down inside as they appear on the surface? I get the moral. I even get that Teddy was good in his one season on Melrose Place. But, most of all, I get that D3 needed more Emilioooooooooooo!
Perhaps the most amazing thing, though, the inconsistencies. I’ll just list my favorite, since it would take a while to list them all. Besides, who wants to focus on the negative here? Anyhow, this features actor Scott Whyte, most remembered for his role of Chris Anderson on the NBC Saturday morning show, City Guys. Scott appears in both D2 and D3 but as DIFFERENT CHARACTERS! He first played high-scoring Gunnar Stahl, who missed the potential tying shot in an overtime shootout between Iceland and USA in the Junior Olympic finals, leading to this dramatic exchange:
Coach Wolf Stansson: Gunnar, you lost it for me. Gunnar Stahl: You lost it for yourself.
Then, in D3, Whyte showed his versatility as Varsity goalie Scot, who develops a crush on Julie “the Cat.” Here’s my question: Did Scott have trouble remembering the name Gunnar in his first go-around? Even three-year-olds can play characters with other names! Nice effort by removing a “t” though. Sorry, perhaps that was a little harsh. Don't think he'll read this, do ya?
And, through it all, we had some awfully eye-popping cameos, including hockey greats Wayne Gretzky, Cam Neely, Mike Modano, Paul Kariya, Luc Robitaille, and MOTOR CITY MECHANIC CHRIS CHELIOS, Olympians Greg Louganis and Kristi Yamaguchi, and this guy Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I think he should have been credited as Lew Alcinder, just to throw people off. People got that, right?
Finally, we have had some tremendously memorable exchanges, some of which can still be heard at the water-cooler (bubblah back where I'm from) today.
Adam’s Top 10 Most Memorable Mighty Ducks Quotes
10. [In the goal singing] Julie Gaffney: Fulton scored, Fulton scored. I am really bored. Fulton's great, Fulton's great. A year ago he couldn't even skate. (D3)
9. Coach Orion: Goldberg, when's the last time you practiced?
Goldberg: Well, we don't really practice per say. We either play or... play around. (D3)
8. Coach Bombay: What it is, it's a loafer. And we'll call it the Air-Bombay Loafer; "For kids who want to coach!" (D2)
7. Averman: Hey, is that a tattoo? Is it real? Dean: Get away from me.
Averman: Yes sir. (D2)
6. Gordon Bombay: You think losing is funny?
Averman: Well not at first but once you get the hang of it. (The Mighty Ducks)
5. Russ: Hey... Goldberg! I bet if that puck was a cheeseburger, you'd stop it! Hahaha! (D2)
4. Bombay: Haven't you guys been training in the off-season?
Averman: You know, I knew we forgot something. (The Mighty Ducks)
3. Averman: Aw, I smell something.
Everyone: Goldberg!
Goldberg: It wasn't me!
Dean: No, it was me! (D2)

2. Coach Reilly: Why'd you turn against me, Gordon? For six years, I taughtcha how to skate, I taughtcha how to score, I taughtcha how to go for the "W". You could have been one of the greats! An' now look at yourself. You're not even a has-been. You're a never-was. (The Mighty Ducks)
1. Goldberg: Be careful man, it almost hit me that time!
Charlie: Goldberg, you're the goalie. It's supposed to hit you.
Goldberg: Does that sound stupid to anyone else? (The Mighty Ducks)
Now that we’ve all had a few nice laughs, or hopefully more people than just me, it’s enormously clear the joy the Mighty Ducks Trilogy has brought us. And, with that, I have some really good news for you! Then again, it might be startlingly bad news. I’m certain it’s nothing in between though for loyal Ducks fans.
Emilio Estevez and Joshua Jackson have signed on to do another movie together, to be released this year if all goes according to plan.
[Reader thoughts: Don’t say it, pleaaaase don’t say it!]
That’s right, The Mighty Ducks 4.
And check this out! The premise involves young Charlie finally playing an adult…but he’s not in the NHL. His baby attitude comes back to bite him and, like his former coach, Gordon, he gets in trouble with the law. The punishment? Community service, coaching a children’s hockey team. Of course, he makes a call to Bombay for help.
Maybe he should have phoned a different friend, his agent, rather than my assumption of a guy named Jack Daniels. Either way, I'm hoping they don't wreck perhaps the greatest sports trilogy of all-time. I'm open for other sports trilogy arguments here...
Anyhow, no word on the rest of the cast or the writer yet but I’m praying for a Steven Brill return. The man understands a winner when he…umm…writes it. Otherwise the product could be shot wide of the net, which is straight where it’ll go if it flops and the Ducks diehards are forced to buy it on Ebay because its rare copies went straight to DVD.
I think I need to go watch all three of these movies again just to forget about the idea of a fourth. I recommend all of you do the same.
And, I hope everyone enjoyed the ramblings. I assure you, for better or worse, it didn't take as long as you may think...
[Falling into a daze, hearing “Quack…Quack…Quack…”]