Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out
the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent,
Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient
said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said,
"Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray,
stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't
even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to
Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said.
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it
was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting
pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy
and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball
machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot
of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a
soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up
saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed
because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and
eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught
on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time
he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off.
He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again,
bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast
and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this
one little boy had gotten anold enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go
around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost
broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I
reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag.
He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the
ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us
died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words
mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size,
because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want
anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up,
act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it
won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could
happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to
you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I
swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and
tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of
Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press
charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the
dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to
their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make
someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I
call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started
and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and
attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if
they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're
coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who made people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go
over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm
gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the
side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no
harm done.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students
from just trying to yodel right off. You see, you have to build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a
dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman
out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the
funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy
shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven with a
gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd
all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where
we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in
the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some
things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And
if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of
something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion
or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling
and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should
read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the
highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a
simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all
take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if
someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so
funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching
you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I
like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess
she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay
in the cellar."

Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without the noise.

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they
started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate
just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the
foot-long sticks of mankind.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,
because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go
up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him
feel better.

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time
required to really fix up my "pad".

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry,
got these sacks."

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so
busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the
interchangeable parts.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I think man invented the car by instinct.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil
puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the
human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill
someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you
pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know
what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we
have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to
the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred
drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the
dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie,
then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around.
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him
in the movie." 

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