Velkommen til mer skandinavisk humor på nettet. Ha det hyggelig!
Ole left for a while during his lunch break at work but was 15 minutes late getting back to work. The boss noticed and asked where he had been. Ole explained he went to get a haircut.
"What? On company time?" demanded the boss.
"Vel, It grew on company time, " explained Ole.
"Not all of it!" countered the boss.
So Ole responded,"Ja, I know, so I didn't get it all cut off."
Ole's friend Olav says, "Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. So, if you are looking for a long life and a slow death, get married."
Inga once had two chickens. When one of them got sick, she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.
Ole and Lars were drinking beer one Friday night at Gary's Sports Bar in Ironton, Minnesota after their softball game. They were joined by Knute, one of their team mates, who immediately began drinking beer after beer. About an hour later, Knute passed out and fell off his chair. Ole noticed this and said, "Dat's vut I like about Knute...he alvays knows vhen to qvit."
A Norwegian, Swede and Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a pig house. Pigs have their own houses for winter use on Scandinavian farms because its so cold. They went in at the same time. After five minutes the Dane came running out. 15 minutes later the Norwegian stumbled out the door. After 20 minutes the pig ran out.
Ole was hired by a limousine company in Minneapolis to drive one of those long fancy expensive limousines. One day Ole received an important call to St. Patrick's Cathedral. To Ole's surprise, his passenger turned out to be the Pope. He had very important business in St. Paul, so Ole was hired by the Pope's aides to drive the Pope in his limousine. The Pope admired the new limo and commented to Ole that he'd never driven a limousine. He asked Ole if it would be all right for him to drive the car a few miles. Ole said it was OK and stopped to let the Pope behind the wheel and he jumped into the back seat. As the Pope drove down the interstate highway, the speedometer went steadily higher – 60 miles per hour...70....80. Well, it was bound to happen. At 90 miles per hour, the Pope attracted the attention of a highway patrolman. After they were stopped, the Pope and Ole sat and waited patiently as the patrolman approached them. The trooper carefully looked into the limosine and went back to his patrol car. "Chief," he said over the radio, "you're not going to believe what an important car I've stopped!"
The chief asked, "Is this person more important than the governor?"
"Oh, much more," replied the patrolman
"What about a U.S. Senator?" asked the chief.
"Far, far more important," answered the patrolman.
"Well then, it must be the President of the United States," declared the chief.
"Nope," replied the trooper. "This guy is the most important man I've ever seen."
"Well, just HOW IMPORTANT is this gentleman?" demanded the chief.
"Well, I don't know," answered the trooper. "All I know is this guy looks like a Norwegian, but he's got the POPE for a chauffeur!"
Ole was hired by the city council in Ironton, Minnesota to be one of the town's traffic cops. While on duty one day, Ole stopped a speeder and began to write up a ticket. "Vat is your name?" asked Ole. The motorist answered, "Romanus Ignatius Vladivkowski." Ole's mouth dropped and he quickly put his pen back into his shirt pocket, and said, "Vell, I'll let you go dis time, but don't let me catch you speeding in dis town again!"
Ole and Lena, are getting older, and vun day dey vas out in the car and Ole sees the red lights flashing in the mirror. So he pulls over and the policeman says "Ole, what the heck you doing?" "Vell", says Ole, "Lena and I vent over der to da supermarket and got some tings for our dinner, and now ve yust have to go over to da drugstore for our medicine." "OLE!" says the policeman, "Lena fell out of your car four blocks back!!" "Oh, tank God" said Ole, "It vas so quiet dat I thought I vas goin' deaf!"
In Duluth, Minnesota there is a church with a huge bell tower where once an hour a bell would clang the time. One day, the clanging mechanism broke and the church council learned it would take months to get it fixed. So, they hired a Swede named Anders Anderson who had two broken arms to ring the bell. He got the job because he convinced the council that being an old football player, he was tough and could ring the bell with his head. For several weeks things worked out perfectly, although Ander's face was getting pretty battered. One day, Anders was battering the bell with his head with a little too much enthusiasm and as the bell swayed, he slipped and went sailing through the bell tower and fell to the ground below. As a crowd gathered to help the unconscious Swede, Ole paused to observe. "Does anyone know who this man is?" asked someone. Ole replied, "No, I don't know his name. but his face sure rings a bell."
Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vel, how the heck should I know, dats over 2,000 miles avay" and he hung up. Lena say's, "Who vas dat, Ole?". Ole say's "Heck if I know! Some weirdo vants to know if da coast is clear."
Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were
becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter,
the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. Soon Ole dug down
into the snow to find some nuts and he found an old lamp. When he rubbed it to
get the snow off, a genie came out of the lamp.
The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesota and I can grant
each of you vun vish."
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof! Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm vit Ole." Poof! Lena was
gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is
your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were
back here vit me".
Ole's nephew Halvor stopped by for a visit one day. "How's it going vit your marriage, Halvor? Is da honeymoon over yet?"
"Vell, da marriage is doing fine." said Halvor. "And da wife treats me yust like a Greek god, Ole"
"Dat's great," said Ole. ""How do you get treated like a Greek God, Haldor?"
"Vel, you see, Ole, every night da wife serves me a BURNT OFFERING!" replied Halvor.
Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live". Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon Ole began to smell a heavenly aroma that came from their kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! Lena must really love me, thought Ole. He went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie, but Lena slaped his hand away and said "Ole, you can't eat these. The cookies are for the funeral!"
One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just
returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious.
"God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round
and so pleasant to hold?"
Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."
"Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?"
"Because," said the voice, "so she would love you."
Lena decided that she and Ole needed a bit of culture so she purchased tickets to the ballet. That evening after watching the performance for about 30 minutes Ole leaned over to Lena and whispered in her ear, "I don't see vhy dey dance on their toes. Vhy don't dey yust get taller dancers?"
Lars, Ole's friend, decided to make himself over. He got new sporty clothes, had his hair styled and dyed it another color. He had his teeth capped so they were white as snow, and he even wore dark glasses, a necklace, an ear ring, and he grew a mustache. One day, as he was driving his new sports car, Lars missed a curve and landed at the bottom of a cliff. Lars was hurt quite badly and was lying in the hospital severely depressed by what had happened to him. Lars, who was quite religious, prayed to the Lord. "You know, Lord, I've been a good Christian; I've always believed in you and gave lots of money to da church. So vhy did yew let dis happen to me?"
A voice came rumbling out of the sky,"To tell you the truth, Lars, I just didn't recognize you."
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said "are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
Ole's Swedish friend Axel thinks he knows how the Pontiac got its name. Axel said, "Da letters in Pontiac stand for 'Poor Old Norwegian Thinks It's A Cadillac."
During World War II Adolph Hitler was concerned about his life, so he called in a fortune teller. The clarvoyant went into a trance and said, "Herr Hitler, the spirits tell me you will die on a Norwegian holiday."
"Which Norwegian holiday?" asked Hitler apprehensively.
The clairvoyant answered, "Any day you die will be a Norwegian holiday!"
