Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
Bride of Re-Animator (1991)
Geraldo leaves Iraq, buys small town paper
Jeffrey Combs is wielding the green needle again, this time creating his own blow-up party human, in Bride of Re-Animator
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In"
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
I just found out that Geraldo Rivera bought a newspaper in Monmouth County, New Jersey, and installed himself as managing editor. He's not giving up his TV show or anything--he just decided that he could be managing editor as a part-time job, like working nights at Denny's. He'll breeze through the office two, three times a week, give out some story assignments, and, of course, personally inspect the color separations to make sure all the primary AND secondary colors are represented. He'll say things like, "Hey, Stan, GREAT piece on the new zebra at the zoo. We should have a sidebar like that every week. But next time, could we get some pictures of the zebras actually having sex?"
The first thing he said, when he bought the paper, was that he intends to do "sensitive" features about the community, and emphasize environmental issues in his coverage.
I was amazed. Geraldo "Ratings" Rivera said this? Geraldo's gonna do the kind of stories that win journalism awards and NOBODY EVER READS?
But I was reassured by the first issue Geraldo actually supervised. The page one headline read, "Child Pornography Charges Overturned: Midgets Prove They're Eighteen."
Geraldo's first Sunday paper had a lengthy feature essay on "Jim Morrison: The Myth, The Legend, The Reality, The Movie, The Junkie." The entire editorial board attended a seance in which a New Jersey psychic discussed Jim's sexual prowess with Janis Joplin.
Of course, Monmouth County is mostly quiet suburbs, so a few of the housewives were upset when the paper started doing a special Wednesday feature called "Kuwait City: Is Monmouth County Next?" complete with photos of chemical weapons being used by Iraqi troops on Kurdish peasants. If you read down into the story, you discovered that the terrain of Monmouth County is EXACTLY like some of the remoter parts of Kurdistan, and so it would be one of the few places in the world where Saddam Hussein would still feel comfortable waging war.
Sensationalism? I think not. I think it's time Monmouth County had a healthy dose of REALITY.
Some people scoffed when the paper hired a new transsexual columnist, Monica "Duke" Scranton. But it has turned out to be very talented. Duke's first column dealt with discount cosmetics available in downtown Asbury Park, and the new regulations on Monmouth Beach that make it illegal for genetic males to wear French-cut bikinis.
It was not until Geraldo arrived that they learned how to promote a newspaper. Everyone purchasing a year's subscription now receives a complimentary cocktail at Caesar's in Atlantic City, one free round of keno, and Telly Savalas' autograph.
And it HAS become more socially conscious. Geraldo was the first to do a complete issue devoted to the "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign. The lead story that day was "Monmouth Countians Talk About Doing Drugs." The main sports story was "Athletes Who Take Steroids." The Lifestyles section featured a take-out called "Housewives Who Take Sleeping Pills To Avoid Sex." And the business page lead story was "Cocaine or Heroin? Which One is America's Biggest Business? Who Gets the Money? Who Sells Those Little Spoons? How Many Junkies Do We Have in Monmouth County? Do They Pay On Time?"
And they said this man couldn't manage an American newspaper.
I hope the Pulitzer committee is watching.
Bride of Re-Animator
Speaking of unnatural mutations, "Bride of Re-Animator" is finally here, continuing the story of Herbert West's experiments where he injects green serum into dead bodies and watches them start twitching, frothing at the mouth, and eventually eating one another. The original "Re-Animator" came out in 1985 and was the first movie ever made where a principal actor loses his head halfway through the movie, but FINISHES THE MOVIE.
They've gone that one better. The same actor, David Gale, is BACK in this movie--or at least part of him is back. His HEAD gets fourth billing in the SEQUEL. What a talent!
This time Dr. West has been down in Peru, where he discovers a magic iguana and starts screaming "Reptiles are the key! We will create new life!" If you mix iguana juice with the green serum, you can not only pump life into dead people, you can pump life into BODY PARTS without even using a brain. So Dr. West starts doing things like grafting four fingers to an eyeball and then making it come to life. (It's like a spider, but it can turn doorknobs and flirt with other species.)
Herbert West's partner-in-gross, Dr. Daniel Cain, is back in the second movie, too, and he still hasn't gotten over his dead girlfriend. Fortunately, Dr. West SAVED her heart, and so if they can just collect enough body parts and enough serum . . . yep, it's the old "Frankenhooker" theme again. But this time the head of West's arch-enemy, Dr. Hill, is busy over in the pathology lab trying to talk one of his colleagues into sewing bat wings to his ears so he can have a more ambulatory life as a flying head.
In other words, THEY DID IT AGAIN.
It's got everything the original had.
Best of 1991.
Five breasts.
Fifteen dead bodies.
Squashed zombie fingers.
Face-eating zombie bat.
Machete arm-hacking.
Three froth-mouth twitching psychos.
Dog brain-dashing.
Man attacked by a severed arm sewed to a severed leg.
Zombie police lieutenant.
Flying bat-head.
Nub attack.
Zombie dog with one human arm.
Zombie Jubilee.
Heads roll.
Arms roll.
Feet roll.
Bone-drill Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Jeffrey Combs, as Dr. Herbert West, for wielding the green needle, mixing the serum, and saying "Pure potentiality, the primordial ooze from which life originates!" and
"How dare you judge my work!" and
"He's a wife-beater, Dan! Use the gun!" and
"I created what no man's mind nor woman's womb could ever hope to achieve";
David Gale, the Vincent Price of the nineties, as the head of Dr. Carl Hill, for saying "He took my body but he cannot take my mind!";
Bruce Abbott, as Dr. Daniel Cain, for saying "She's gonna be uncontrollably spastic";
Fabiana Udenio, as the love interest, for screaming "You're a freak!" at the only person in the movie who is NOT a freak;
Kathleen Kinmont, in the title role, as a reanimated do-it-yourself corpse with the feet of a ballet dancer, the legs of a hooker, the body of a virgin, the arms of a waitress, the left hand of a lawyer, the right hand of a murderess (better nail polish), and the heart of Dan's dead girlfriend, which she rips out and gives to him;
and Brian Yuzna, who directed this movie with good taste and restraint.
Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Republican Alert! The historic Asher Drive-In in Little Rock, Ark., site of the world premiere of "Sweet Sweet Connie" (starring Connie the groupie from the song "An American Band"), is being torn down for a multi-screen indoor-bullstuff moviehouse. This is the last remaining drive-in in Little Rock. Doug Treadway sends two words--"Save us"--and reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here.
"The Cosmic Wisdom of Joe Bob Briggs," a collection of Joe Bob's finest work, is now available in bookstores everywhere. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob,
Recently, my wife and I took our 4-year-old to the local dollar show to see Men At Work
In the middle of the movie, the film broke and the lights were on for about 10 minutes. My four-year-old son remarked that maybe they had to put some more acting in it.
I thought that was a pretty concise review of the picture.
If you ever decide to take a vacation and need a fill-in drive-in critic, please get in touch. He's not in school or working, so I think we can work something out.
Take care,
Don Hunter
Gunter, Tex.
Dear Don:
If you're implying that a four-year-old can do my job, then I only have one thing to say:
"Can not! Can not! Can not! Can not!"
Dear Joe Bob:
Thanks for your recent column on "Designer Pets"--about hapless animals becoming lifestyle victims. You obviously did your research at the pounds and animal havens--not always happy places to visit, but not nearly as depressing as the animals' actual homes.
My boyfriend and I recently tried to "rescue" a dog from my sister-in-law, who had adopted it from a local animal haven because she felt that her two-year-old son "needed a dog." Actually, what my nephew needed was some adult supervision and interaction rather than a furry sibling. We weren't able to keep the adoptee, since the no-pets clause was a big part of our rental contract. However, during the short time we had Dexter, we watched Barbara Woodhouse's show faithfully and were fairly successful at leash-training him.
Since then, my sister-in-law has gone through several more dogs. She finds them unsuitable--which is the real reason I'm writing you. Her reason, which you can add to your list of unbelievable excuses, is that the dogs "just don't fit in." Like it's a sorority or something. She refuses to train them. They must simply figure out, on their own, what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. If they don't then it's off to the vet's for the big sleep or worse--a one-way ride.
Too bad more pet owners aren't pet lovers. Thanks for your attention to this subject.
Yours truly,
Christie Kennard
Mission, Kan.
Dear Christie:
Actually, most of the dogs just wanna be dogs.
It's the people that try to make em into HUMANS that are sick.
Somebody once asked Woodhouse if she’d ever met a dog that was untrainable and she said no, but that there are some owners that weren't
Hey, Joe Bob!
Your column about all the unwanted and abandoned pets in animal shelters led me to a possible solution:
Take all the mother-rapers, father-stabbers, and child abusers who'll be out of jail in about 15 minutes, tops, and let THEM take the place of all the animals currently doing hard time in the pound. Tell me, when was the last time you saw a cat blow away a 7-11 clerk with an AK-47?
Your pal,
Karen Bruyere Kutach
North Richland Hills, Tex.
Dear Karen:
You had to bring up the cat with the automatic weapons, didn't you? You just HAD to bring it up?
You KNOW I have horrible flashbacks when people mention that.
Please--don't do that to me again.
Yo! Joe!
I'm a p.o.ed college kid whose first dream is to get into that wonderful world of filmmaking.
Why am I p.o.ed? Well, I'm just sick of all the bull aspiring new filmmakers have to go through in order to get their flick released. For instance, John McNaughton's "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer" took four years to see the light of day on a big screen--and I admire this guy for going straight for the "X" without cuts. Hey, I caught it at a late-night showing in an exclusive theater, and boy, am I proud of him!
Sincerely,
Brian J. Kustek
Center Line, Mich.
Dear Brian:
"Henry" has been slowly gaining in popularity over the last year, and even RESPECTABLE critics have been reviewing it. The MPAA is taking a lot of flack for giving it that X rating for "moral tone," and so I think maybe, just maybe, the good guys are gonna win this one.
Did you notice that the latest serial-killer flick, "Silence of the Lambs," is much more violent than "Henry," but it sailed right through the ratings process?
You think the "Henry" supporters can take credit for that?
Dear Joe Bob,
Years ago I saw a flick on the late night horror station that I am trying to identify the title of. No one I've described it to has ever seen it and I'm wondering if it was just a bad dream.
The entire movie was narrated and none of the actors spoke. The monster was a huge shag rug from outer space. Even though the rug monster could only move about uno M.P.H., it kept on catching people and eating them. First you'd see their terrified expressions, then the next shot was a pair of feet disappearing down a hole in the rug. I forgot the ending but I think the hero kills the rug and gets the girl, or maybe it's the other way around.
Joe Bob, please help me find out the name of this no budget winner so I can see it again and sleep at night.
Sincerely,
Bob Klock
Fairfax, Calif.
Dear Bob:
It sounds like the "prequel" to "Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars," but I have NO IDEA. I'll stick it out there before the general public and see if anybody has MORE trash in their mind than I do.
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 3/15/91
© 1991 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him.
