Host segments for Friday the 13th, Part 5
"Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning" Intro

"Okay, we move on to "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter," which had to eventually be changed to "Friday the 13th Part 4," because--surprise!--it turned out not to be the final chapter after all, and there were plenty more dead teenagers waiting to be pitchforked while having sex--

ERNIE (Off Stage): Joe Bob?
Yeah?
ERNIE (O.S.): We don't have Part 4.
We're running a six-part "Friday the 13th" marathon and we didn't get the rights to Part FOUR?
ERNIE (O.S.): No, Part 4's missing.
Let me see about this. [camera follows him out of set] How can Part 4 be MISSING? What is going ON around here?
[BOOTH. M&Ms everywhere.] This is our director, Chris Brock. Chris, where's the guy who plays the tapes?
CHRIS: I don't know. I turned around and he and the tape were gone.
Jeez, he loves his M&Ms, doesn't he? [following trail] Wait a minute. [picks up Braves cap] Is he from Atlanta?
CHRIS: No, he's a local boy.
Oh, boy. . . Ted? Come on, you're scaring me now! [to Chris] What are we gonna do? Do we have Part 5?
CHRIS: Yeah.

I can't believe this. There's crucial plot points in Part 4. All right, well, let's run Part 5, I guess. [to camera] Um, okay. What do you need to know? Corey Feldman plays this 12-year-old kid named Tommy who kills Jason at the end of Part 4. And the movie ends with this gleaming psychotic look in Tommy's eyes. You'll see him at the beginning of Part 5. [to Chris] You all set? Okay, we'll do the drive-in totals at the first break. Roll it.

[fading] I can't believe we're gonna miss Crispin Glover's geek dancing in Part 4. If you see Ted, tell him this isn't funny anymore."

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"Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning" Commercial Break #1

"Okay, how many psychos have we got in this movie so far? Any one of em could go on a killing spree. We got Tommy, who's been sitting in a loony bin the last four or five years. You know something's wrong when they tell you they have to "prepare you to re-enter society." We got Vic, the homicidal mental patient they gave an AX to. There's the two paramedics--one of em thinks dead bodies are really FUNNY, and the other one has those creepy GLOWING EYES. Ethel and Junior--you gotta put THEM on the list. And, of course, Jason, who we haven't seen yet except in a dream. "Friday the 13th Part 4," which we're apparently MISSING, had sort of an all-star cast: Crispin Glover, Corey Feldman, Peter Barton. The director of that one tried to get professional on us, but I think I prefer this one.

Okay, let's do the drive-in totals. We have: [hand-written on cards, Bob Dylan-style]

Twenty-one dead bodies.
Six breasts (which, as usual, is not an issue unfortunately).
Eight kitchen implements.
Four farm implements.
Three auto-body-shop implements.
Two martial-arts devices.
Three quarts blood.
Heads roll.
Eyeballs roll.
Hand rolls.
Kung fu.
Bulldozer fu.
Chainsaw fu.
Outhouse fu.
Four stars.
Let's get it started.

[fading] Part 4 is referenced in this next bit. When Tommy killed Jason, he kept stabbing him, yelling "Die!"
and his sister kept yelling "Tommy!"
"Die!"
"Tommy!"
But you know what? I'm just gonna LET IT GO. Ted, you can take away my tape, but you can't take away my being at one with the marathon."

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"Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning" Commercial Break #2

"That was the debut of Corey Parker back there in the Brando outfit. He was real popular for about five minutes in the eighties, but the last thing he's done is play the new Doc on "The Love Boat: The Next Wave." Not exactly the hippest credit, but he did get to act with our pal Roddy Piper, who was here recently. Anyhow, his throat-slashing was one of the plethora of cuts Paramount had to make. You'll notice we don't see much of the actual killings in this flick. Like the ax bursting through the fat kid's back and blood bursting everywhere--that got cut. The MPAA--that's the people who give the movies their ratings--had some real spoilsports that year, so we're only gettin about 10% of what was shot. 1985 was a bad year for horror flicks.

[fading] I should point out that the director, Danny Steinmann, tried to make up for it with lots of gratuitous nudity, God bless him, and then the TNT censors got a hold of it and axed THAT. And this guy had directed a porn hit called "Highrise" in the late sixties, so he knew how to shoot nudity. Ask me how happy I am about that."

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"Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning" Commercial Break #3

"How come everyone in the "Friday the 13th" movies leaves after sex to "wash up." Doesn't anyone cuddle anymore? By the way, that girl who got it in the eyes with the garden shears--which of course, we didn't get to see, thanks for nothing--is named Debisue Voorhees. Very qualified for the job of aardvarking in the woods, no doubt, but I'm sure her last name must've at least got her in the DOOR. Lana, the frisky waitress, originally got the ax in the stomach, and then fell to the ground quivering. But the pansy MPAA said no quivering, so they had to cut THAT. And then they even had to cut the ax. These guys are some MAJOR party-poopers. But we got a party here--it's Halloween, and--
[blood-curdling SCREAM and loud CRASHING NOISE]

Um, I think we'll just go back to the movie now. I'll be right here, looking for something to defend myself with."

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"Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning" Commercial Break #4

"Okay. It's always wise, when things start to go haywire at a mental institution, to leave all the patients ALONE while you figure it out. "Gee, I don't know where Tommy is--I left him doing kung fu on the side of the road. You loonies stay here while drive around aimlessly in the truck that Jason's probly tampered with." Cause you know not one of these dang cars ever runs right.

You know, as much as think this director did a good job with this flick, there's one thing that bugs me. The original script for Part 5 opened up with Tommy being brought to the same hospital as Jason's body, and then Tommy kills the nurses and the sheriff and confronts Jason as he rises from the operating table. And then he wakes up screaming in the loony bin. But instead, Steinmann did that dream in the woods. It seems like if we had the dream where Tommy was killing people, it'd make more sense that maybe it's him who's killing people NOW. Cause I don't really buy him as a suspect. Anyhow, let's get back it.

[fading] By the way, anyone's wondering, this Elvis bust is no machete, but it weighs at LEAST ten pounds, and I can do serious damage with it in a pinch."

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"Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning" Commercial Break #5

"All right, we don't know exactly how the ugly punk girl got it, but thank goodness she did. How much more of that goldurn robot dance were we gonna have to watch?
Okay, I'm gonna attempt to cover a little "Friday the 13th" history even though I haven't had a lick of caffeine in hours and every time we send somebody out for it, they get abducted by trick-or-treaters or something. The first one came out on June 13, 1980. It was an independent film produced by Sean Cunningham, who produced Wes Craven's early films--and Paramount really had nothing to do with it. They just released it in theaters--and were AMAZED when it became one of the all-time top-grossing horror films. I think it was a little bit of a fluke. It had been two years since Halloween, a much better film, but John Carpenter refused to approve any sequels to that--so the public was starved for horror. Okay, so normally what happens is that a sequel always makes a little LESS money than the original, and with each sequel you make, the box office goes down, until eventually you stop making them because the budget is more than the expected return. So Paramount brought out Part 2 in 1981--and it made slightly less. They wanted to think of something new and different for Part 3, so they made it in 3-D--and it became the highest grossing 3-D movie in history. The box office actually went UP on that one. So they decided to make a fourth one. And the fourth one-- which we didn't get to see, but I won't dwell on THAT--was the most successful of them all. It made 11 million dollars just on the opening weekend alone. I think what happened is that these movies were publicly condemned--they were called the ultimate "slasher" films, slice-and-dice, examples of the WORST of American filmmaking, embarrassments to the industry, movies that moms everywhere loved to hate. So what happens when you have a reputation like that? Teenagers wanna see em! And YOUNG teenagers--the 14-to-16 crowd became the key audience for these movies. Even though technically they were R-rated and you had to attend with an adult. Anyway, it's no wonder that they made nine of them, with possibly still more yet to come. New Line Cinema keeps talking about bringing out a picture called "Freddy vs. Jason," but I'll believe it when I see it. Okay, let's get back to the flick. I'm gonna just rest my eyes until the next break.

[fading] I don't know if I mentioned that Steve Miner directed Parts 2 and 3. And now he's jumped ship and directed "Halloween:H20." So it seems like he could do a "Jason vs. Michael Meyers." Dueling masks. Throw in a little "Dawson's Creek," which he also directs, and we could have those kids be the victims. And while we're at it, let's throw in the people from "Touched by an Angel." Steve doesn't direct that one, but how much would we like to see THEM shishkebobbed?"

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