Michael Caine plays a cartoonist who has a real nasty accident and loses one of his favorite body parts (no, not that one!) in "The Hand." Well, actually he doesn't exactly lose it! Let's just say that breaking up is hard to do. Oliver Stone directs this mean-spirited little romp and even makes a guest victim appearance as a wino in an alley. This was his second foray into the horror genre. His first venture was "Seizure," starring Jonathan Frid of Dark Shadows fame, Martine Beswick, Mary Woronov, Herve Villechaize, and Troy Donahue. The Hand is a little bit more mainstream than Seizure but not recommended for anyone going through a messy divorce. We'll just leave it at that. Caine stars in the role previously played by Peter Lorre in "The Beast With 5 Fingers" (1946).
And now for those eagerly awaited drive-in totals from Joe Bob, the MonsterVision host with the most:
Five dead bodies.
Four breasts. (Of course, YOU won't be seeing those. You still can't see breastage on TNT, even on 100% Wierd at 3 am in the morning.)
Mutilated snake.
Two motor vehicle crashes, with explosion.
Hand-hacking.
Multiple strangulation.
And, of course, the famous Hand-Cam, which sees the world from knuckle level.
Three and a half stars. Check it out.
The Hand (1981), a previous MonsterVision movie following "Point Of No Return."
100% Wierd, May 21, 2000 at 3:05 am, Rating: TV-14-LSV.
And now, the recently restored MonsterVision host segments for:
"THE HAND"
Host Segments Intro
Up next we have kind of a sentimental favorite around
here, because it's the very first movie that I ever hosted at TNT. And
something went haywire that night, and near the end of the movie Michael
Caine started saying the f-word, and the f-words went out over the
air--and a lot of people wrote in, like, "Cool, Joe Bob. You're on there
ONE NIGHT and you're already getting the f-word on the air." But it was a
mistake--they went back in and took it out. F--- them, you know what I
mean? Anyhow, Michael Caine is a troubled cartoonist, having a hard time
dealing with his hand getting hacked off, in "The Hand." I don't wanna
tell you too much about it, cause it has a few surprises, but I will say
that I liked Oliver Stone a WHOLE lot better back when he was making
flicks like this one. Remember when he wrote "Conan the Barbarian," and
"Midnight Express," and this one came out around 1981, and then Oliver
just kinda went nutzoid, didn't he? You know, we LOVE him, but we wouldn't
wanna do Tequila shooters with him, you know what I mean? All right, let's
take a look at those drive-in totals.
Five dead bodies.
Four
breasts. (Of course, YOU won't be seeing those. You still can't see
breastage on TNT, even at 12:30 in the morning.)
Mutilated snake.
Two motor vehicle crashes, with explosion.
Hand-hacking.
Multiple strangulation.
And, of course, the famous Hand-Cam, which
sees the world from knuckle level.
Three and a half stars. Check it
out, and I'll see you at the first break.
[fading] Did you know TNT
has a whole NEW list of words we can't say on the air? Including the
official "MonsterVision" term for lesbian? Did some lesbians write in or
something? You oughta see this memo. There's like 300 words we can't say
now. But if you take the list to a party, and you say ALL the words,
together, all in a row, really really fast, people will buy you drinks all
night. It's very cool.
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #1
Remember when your mama
always told you, "Don't stick your hand out the window, it might get cut
off"? What she didn't tell you is that it might get cut off and go
crawling around in the grass and make your face all tensed up like Michael
Caine's. Even his haircut is creepy, you know? And you guys ever notice
this weird thing that happens when people in movies lose their hand? Their
arm gets longer. It becomes the same length as the other arm, the one that
still HAS its hand. Must be some medical phenomenon. Okay, coming up now,
as we continue with "The Hand" . . . the Hand-Cam.
[fading] Michael
Caine hasn't really COMBED his hair in thirty years. Either that or he
REALLY needs a better conditioner. Looks like he's growing herbs up there.
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #2
Maurice Joseph Micklewhite,
also known as Michael Caine. Says he took his name from "The Caine
Mutiny." And Andrea Marcovicci, the woman who plays Michael Caine's
wife--don't you just hate her little New Age squat-in-a-leotard class?
Andrea Marcovicci is a fairly famous cabaret singer. She sings sometimes
at the Oak Room at the Algonquin Hotel in New York, which is pretty much
the Vatican of cabaret rooms, so she obviously knows what she's doing.
Okay, coming up right now--there's gonna be a homeless bum. Look at his
face REAL close. It's OLIVER! Oliver Stone his ownself. I know it's been
slow so far--just HANG IN THERE, okay?
[fading] You know what I
said about Michael Caine not combing his hair for 30 years. Well, Oliver
Stone hasn't tucked in his shirt in 30 years. Oliver will NOT be ordering
the Caesar salad during Andrea's cabaret show at the Oak Room any time
soon, you know what I mean?
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #3
That was Charles Fleischer
as the hippy-dippy arteest trying to take over Michael Caine's comic
strip. Best known as the voice of Roger Rabbit. And wouldn't you like to
take that hunky yoga teacher and just ram a two-by-four through his
spaghetti-strap T-shirt? Is it just me, or is that guy a major weenie.
Back to the movie.
[fading] We need to get out the Weenie Meter.
Soon as I SAW this guy, I wanted to put mustard on him. If you look up
"weenie" in the dictionary, it has a picture of this guy doing bicep
flexes.
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #4
Okay, this actress Annie
McEnroe who comes over to have sex with Michael Caine. I only have two
words for her. Yum Me. What happened to her? Doesn't she look like
somebody you'd like to see in a lot of pictures? She starred in The
Howling II, one of our new favorite franchises around here since we
showed the classic, the spellbinding, Howling VII:Your Sister Is A Werewolf. And Oliver Stone was
giving her bit parts in some of his movies for a while, and then WHERE THE
HECK DID SHE GO? And, more important, does anybody have her phone number?
Whoa! There's more of her, but you don't get to see her nekkid. Only I do.
Back to the flick.
[fading] See, you know why I say stuff like
that? Because next week I'll get a letter: "Joe Bob, you ignorant yahoo,
don't you know that Annie McEnroe is starring in the WB Network sitcom 'My
Cousin Enzio.' She's the wacky neighbor!" And then we'll know. Otherwise,
we would have to do actual research, track her down. And we don't have the
budget for that. Or, Annie! If you're watching! Call us up, hon, we're
worried about you! Think that'll work?
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #5
I've gotten to where I kinda
LIKE the hand, you know? Leavin little love notes for his wife--isn't that
sweet? Okay, it looked cheesy at the beginning. And it looks cheesy when
it jumps on somebody's neck and strangles em. But . . . yeah, you're
right, it's real lame, isn't it? Forget what I said.
[fading] I
forgot to be jaded. It's my job to be jaded. I almost started ENJOYING THE
MOVIE. Can't let that happen, it would ruin the whole image of the
show.
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #6
Michael Caine kinda grows on
you. You start out the movie thinking, "Oh yeah, Michael Caine, ho hum,
seen it," and then he starts doing this tortured-inner-self dealie. I bet
he would of got more credit for this, except it came out in the same year
as The Shining. Not to mention the immortal "Frankenstein Island," in
which a hot air balloon crashes on an island where Dr. Frankenstein's
ancestors have created a race of mutants who like to party with the local
Amazons. Tough competition that year. Anyhow, we're heading for the good
part now. Check this out.
[fading] Is this where Michael gets a
hand job in the garage? Shut my mouth! I can't believe I said that. That's
not what I meant at all.
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #7
This is my favorite
part--when the hand CRAWLS UP HIS PANTS LEG! The hand's trying to kill
him, right? So WHAT'S IT GONNA DO UP THERE? Yuk! I don't even wanna think
about it. Okay, the hand's not done yet. Will Michael Caine utter the
f-word on TNT? You never know about those wacky TNT censors--sometimes he
does and sometimes he doesn't. Let's find out. Here we go.
[fading]
The hand really gets around, doesn't it? And it doesn't even care about
gender. It's bimanual. Or would that be "bidextrous"?
"THE HAND" Commercial Break #8
So Michael really did it. I
can't believe that. You get to where you're kinda rooting for Michael and
The Hand, as a team. You WANT him to kill the cowboy in the bar, the
airhead wife--heck, I even wanted him to kill the whiny little girl. But
Oliver Stone makes us feel a little better at the end. Watch this weird
ending. It makes no sense--so, of course, I love it.
[fading]
Viveca Lindfors stars in this last scene. She died a few years ago, from
rheumatoid arthritis. I don't know what that is, but it sounds painful.
Viveca was always strange. She was kinda the Swedish female Harvey Keitel,
you know what I mean?
"THE HAND" Outro
I told you that you would feel better after
that. The Hand kills Viveca Lindfors. How good is that? No disrespect to
Viveca.
Okay, I wanna remind you that next week we have one of our
big Hollywood movies, the psychological thriller "Malice," with Alec
Baldwin, Nicole Kidman and Bill Pullman. And we'll follow that up with
"Sleepstalker," where the Sandman invades your dreams, and not in a good
way.
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that age
doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Did you
guys hear the one about the sailor who meets a pirate in a bar? They're
taking turns telling their adventures on the sea, and the sailor sees that
the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks him,
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate says "We were in a
storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as
my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." Sailor says, "Wow!
What about the hook?" Pirate says, "Well, we were boarding an enemy ship
and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my
hand off." Seaman says, "That's incredible! How did you get the eye
patch?" Pirate says, "A seagull dropping fell into my eye." Sailor says
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" Pirate says, "Well, it was my
first day with the hook." Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in
will never die.
[fading] Two guys are approaching each other on a
sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet,
one guy looks at the other guy knowingly, points to his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969." Other guy hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap,
20 feet back."
The Hand is only available on VHS video, I guess there wasn't any company willing to put it on DVD.
Here's a bit of trivia: Michael Caine won an Oscar but wasn't there to get it in person because he was off making another fine film, Jaws, The Revenge
Host segments on file for "Malice" and "Sleepstalker" but not yet posted. Email me if you want to see these two pages restored to this MonsterVision website in 2003.
