MonsterVision's Joe Bob Briggs reviews:
Stone Cold
(1991)
Cops vs. killer bikers
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 6/7/91
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
I wanna thank everyone for the cards, letters, flowers and telegrams you sent me over the last few weeks while I was recuperating at Parkland Hospital in Dallas.
I KNEW I shouldn't have attended the National Lesbian Conference. You warned me. You told me to stay away. Even Wanda Bodine tried to protect me. She said, "Joe Bob, you ever seen what a 250-pound woman with a burr haircut can do to the human pelvis?"
But I told her, "Wanda, I'm a reporter. I've got to check these things out."
And so I volunteered to go to the big convention in Atlanta with the Texas delegation. After all, I told em, with that many women in one bus, who was gonna DRIVE?
That was when I got the first sprained elbow from being sat on by Wendy "The Mattress" Stubbs. She put her knees between my shoulder blades and twisted my arm and wouldn't let go until I yelled "Aunt!"
A couple days later I showed up with my notebook and tape recorder at the Handicapped Jewish Lesbian Caucus. They weren't gonna let me in, so I faked the guards out by putting on a dress and riding in a motorized wheelchair and saying the word "schlemiel" a lot. I had one of those little black beanies on my head, which is what gave me away, because I didn't realize that handicapped Jewish lesbians don't wear those little black beanies.
This one-armed woman named Shirley Steinberg challenged me. She said, "You're not JEWISH. No self-respecting lesbian Jew would wear a yammakuller like that."
And I tried to fake it. I said, "Well, I realize that, but I thought that since Jewish MEN get to wear em, it was only right that Jewish WOMEN who LOOK LIKE MEN should get to wear em, too..."
And she was about to buy this, when she noticed I was wearing a pink chiffon taffeta party dress from J.C. Penney's, and she said, "I don't even think you're a lesbian."
And I couldn't BELIEVE I'd done that. OF COURSE. I should have worn a polyester pants suit. I could of got away with the whole deal.
Anyway, that's how I got the multiple rib fractures, from being kicked out the door by three ladies named Frank, Steve and "Mumbles the Molester."
I don't know if you read much about the convention, but it got really interesting around the third day, when all the lesbos started beating one another up. The Elderly Lesbians got mad at the Lesbian Avocado Farmers, and the Lesbians of Color got ticked off because there weren't enough Puerto Rican Arab Lesbians admitted to the convention floor, and then some Overeating Lesbians who were dressed up in black leather "Star Trek" costumes ambushed some Lesbian Marines and crushed one gal's skull for being a tool of the imperialist American military forces. And then, of course, there was the "Dykes on Bikes" circus act that had to be cancelled because the unicycles they were using were made at a factory in Poland that discriminates against lesbian porpoise trainers.
Finally, on the last day of the convention, I managed to get inside by wearing my normal clothes but passing myself off as an eighteen-year-old girl who had taken a LOT of steroids. IT WORKED! I should have done this right from the beginning.
And so, when I finally got a first-hand look at what was going on, they were having a debate between the representative of Native American Lesbians, Babs Stumbling Buffalo, and the representative of the Radical African-American Nuclear-War-Now Lesbians of Inner Detroit, whose name was Mahogany Sims. And they were yelling and screaming at one another. Babs was claiming that the American Indian male was the most disgusting, sexist, no-good, abusive sorry excuse for a human being in the universe. But Mahogany said that, no, if you'd ever met her second ex-husband Kaleem "The Scream" Akim, then you would know that she had no choice but to chop his body into 37 pieces and mail him to Armour Beef in Chicago. And when Mahogany mentioned actual CRIMES, that set off the United Lesbian Convicts Who Shouldn't Have Gone To Prison Except Some Worthless Man Sold Drugs in Their House, and they started chanting "Free all lesbian prisoners! Free all lesbian prisoners!"
And so I felt the situation was about to get out of hand--call me an idiot, but I decided to step in--and so I asked for permission to speak, and, after everybody quieted down, I stood up and I said, "Yall would feel a whole lot better if you'd take two Midol."
That's how I got the brain injuries.
They say, with physical therapy, I could have a normal life again within two or three years.
I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian myself. It's a nineties thing.
Speaking of weird haircuts, The Boz made his motion picture debut a couple weeks back, and the man was awesome. I predict he'll be the Schwarzenegger of the nineties. In fact, I was back east at the Route 35 Drive-In in Hazlet, New Jersey, to catch this flick, and 400 cars full of rabid Jersey low-lifes were honking their horns like crazy when this movie was over--the ultimate tribute to Brian Bosworth's acting ability.
"Stone Cold" is the first major biker flick since "Easy Rider," only this time, instead of hippies getting blown away by rednecks, it's outlaw bikers blowing up Mississippi politicians who get in their way. The Boz is a hiney-kicking cop who goes undercover to try to burn the bikers' coke-dealing operation. Nine fistfights and three crash-and-burns later, he has his final showdown with veteran drive-in bad guy Lance Henriksen, as cops and bikers rumble through the Mississippi State Capitol like Iraqi soldiers in Kuwait.
Actually, it's NOT the Mississippi State Capitol. After Mississippi officials read the script, they refused to allow filming, because they were afraid the stunts would destroy half the building. So the Arkansas Secretary of State called up Columbia Pictures and said, "Hey, guys, we DON'T CARE if you tear up OUR Capitol." And you will not BELIEVE what they did to the place. Young school children will now be able to take Capitol tours where a guide points out "And here's where the blood gushed out of Brian Bosworth's arm, and here's where thirty bikers rolled their motorcycles down the Italian marble steps, and over here--in the Supreme Court chamber--are the actual bullet holes where Lance Henriksen fired 340 rounds from his machine gun."
Proving that Arkansas is truly a drive-in kind of state.
Twelve breasts.
Sixty-two dead bodies.
Four fistfights.
Four motor vehicle chases, with four crash-and-burns.
One pet iguana.
Face mangling.
Hand-in-the-spinning-spokes torture.
Great biker funeral scene.
Exploding car.
Exploding judge.
Heads roll.
Hands roll.
Ears roll.
Kung Fu.
Pool stick Fu.
Tattoo Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Lance Henriksen, as Chains, the head biker, for saying "God forgives--the Brotherhood doesn't";
William Forsythe, as the biker-with-an-attitude Ice, for telling The Boz "You look like a grown-up version of Bam Bam"
and saying "You gonna use that stick, or you wanna dance with me?";
The Boz, for single-handedly catching three hoods trying to hold up a grocery store, then saying "You better clean up on aisle four"
and for saying "Imagine the future, Chains, cause you're not in it";
and Craig R. Baxley, whose becoming a great action director with three hits in a row--Action Jackson, "I Come In Peace," and now this drive-in hall of famer.
Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
DRIVE-IN VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Fatal Skies (1990): Timothy Leary as the evil toxic waste dumper is dumped into his own toxic waste in the goofy conclusion to this weirdbeard environmental action thriller about teenage parachutists (J. Michael Esposito, Veronica Carothers) who join forces with an old coot (Tim Burke) to fight some moron hillbillies who are dumping black gunk into the water supply and, when it blows up, claiming it was a weenie-roasting accident. Written and directed by USC Film School graduate Thomas C. Dugan. Two and a half stars.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Communist Alert! The Port Elgin Drive-In in Southampton, Ont., Canada, never opened for the season and has weeds growing up in the playground area and the metal patches are falling out of the screen. John Charles of Guelph, Ont., reminds us that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and the world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob,
I've been reading your column and watching your links for several years now and I'm quite distraught over the way you blame drive-in closings on the communists. Communisium does not exist in this country and never has, no matter what the Joe McCarthys claim.
The cause of the drive-in closings, book burnings, and similar occurances are the fundamentalists, people who claim THEY have a direct line to god and/or Jesus. These are the people you see screaming to keep certain people from doing certain things "FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!" You also see them screaming about something that offends them and then use their direct line to heaven to remove it. Drive-ins are rather high on their lists. Drive-ins rank just below evolution, books other than the Bible, and Jewish people.
That letter you received from Mary Davis of New Jersy should have a big tip-off: "You have no understanding of how much God loves you, otherwise..." You can pretty much complete this sentence with any inane bonehead statement. After living in Houston for ten years I learned quite a bit about these religious bums. The "wrath-of-god" act is just a means to get anything and everything they want. If this is a bit hard to swallow, just look at Jim and Tammy and Jerry and Pat and Jimmy et cetera ad nauseam.
Sincerely,
J.C. Ronsen
Buffalo, N.Y.
Dear J.C.:
You have no understanding of how much God loves you. Otherwise you would know that Communists watch you through your TV set.
Only kidding.
Dear Joe Bob,
Congratulations on spelling the B.O. chemical correctly. I first heard about the chemical on Bay Area Channel 7. Even Dr. Dean Edell murdered the pronunciation so badly that it wasn't until the item appeared in the Chronicle that I realized it is a relatively simple molecule.
By the way, where do we get a video tape version of "Giant Gila Monster"?
Sincerely,
Katherine Runkle
Vallejo, Calif.
Dear Katherine:
"Giant Gila Monster" is available from Sinister Cinema, P.O. Box 777, Pacifica, CA 94044.
B.O. is available in many parts of the Bay Area, but especially in Sausalito.
Dear Joe Bob,
Now that the prime minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto, has been deposed, do you think she might have a future in the movies? Compared to other women world leaders, she's a real trouser-arouser, and she DOES know how to galvanize a crowd. Maybe a villainess in the next Bond picture?
Sincerely,
Dan Rowe
Seattle
Dear Dan:
You shouldn't go TOO far with that Benazir Bhutto idea, because, after all, Margaret Thatcher has ALSO been recently deposed. Can you imagine HER as a Bond bikini girl?
I think we should leave this idea alone.
Dear Joe Bob,
I'm taking felt tip in hand to tell you about an important piece of celluloid.
I saw this picture the other week on TV (no cable stuff, just the local affiliate). Now I realize that this was a censored and abridged version, but this movie was still a classic.
The title: "Barbarian Queen," made in 1985. This baby stars Lana Clarkson and Katt Shea (who are four wonderful talents). It says in the TV Guide, which is fine reading if you ask me, that this movie describes three female warriors who take on the tryant who caused the ruin of their medieval village.
Thats what the TV Guide says. I think it's better described as sort of a gladiator movie with women as the gladiators.
This movie has three of the most talented big-breasted women who go running around in sort of Dark Ages bikinis chopping and slashing any man types they can find. These women either had bad PMS or carry a real grudge.
Anyway, there is lots of gore and blood, women swinging large pieces of sharpened steel while wearing bikinis.
Two naked breasts (on TV), lots of semi-naked breasts, and buckets of blood.
If you haven't seen it, check it out.
Thanks,
Steve Reichert
Cincinnati
Dear Steve:
The one thing I couldn't get over, though, was those little toothpick arms on Lana Clarkson. When she paddles the canoe, you keep expecting her arm to break off at the elbow. That was the first in a series of one starring roles for Lana.
Katt Shea, on the other hand, went on to immortal fame as the director of "Stripped To Kill."
Dear Joe Bob and hangers on,
Life has not been worth living since Buddy Holly died--1959. I live in a town that just sold a city park to a car dealer. He bulldozed it and blacktopped it and now it is a car lot. The park was DONATED to the city by Campfire Bluebirds group who had been taking care of it.
Wayne Richards
Medford, Ore.
Dear Wayne:
This happened in Oregon?
I thought this only happened in Houston.
Are you SURE you live in Oregon?
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© 1991 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
Wanna second opinion? OK, how about:
Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000
For Mike's full description of STONE COLD and ACTION JACKSON click here
