This is the very first poem I wrote which talks about ALLOFUS. It was written in January/1993.
If you could see inside my head
You'd know I'm not alone
That many of us reside together
In this place we call our home.
For we are She and She is I
And I am me or am I She?
Around and around we all go
Where was our beginning?
She became at age of four
When I had run to hide
The others came over the years
When one of could no longer abide.
When She couldn't handle life
I would step in her place
So many I's for so many things
All of us locked away.
Some are good and some are bad
Some are asleep for now
When we are needed we arise
Until the crisis has passed.
The struggle right now is not to give in
To the desire to bring things to an end
To not see death beckoning to me
Like a welcome, long-lost friend.
As I try to get through the day
An increasingly futile effort I admit
I think of how much easier it would be
To willingly just give up and quit.
While my mind thinks of ways to mutilate myself
A voice urges me on through the panic
It tells me of how terrible I am
That my soul is purely satanic.
No matter how hard I try not to listen
I hear what that voice has to say
And deep down I agree, I know it is true
That I have a huge debt to pay.
You tell me my staying alive is your goal
Where do my feelings fit in?
How can I stay when I don't belong
When I must atone for my sin.
The question is not really a question at all
Cause I know what the answer must be
Better to use the shotgun right now
And get rid of the evil that's me.
If only it were as easy as that
Be dead and peace would be mine
But I heard the words you said
And our lives they do now entwine.
I don't like to think of that concept
Tis freedom that I lose
Because being responsible to you
Takes away my right to chose.
Given that you know me hardly at all
Will your tune remain the same?
I guess only time will tell
Waiting to see will be the name of the game.
For now I guess I will remain
Punishment put on hold
Dealing with these feelings will need be done
Maybe then a different story can be told.
Pain and sorrow and fear, they are
What life is all about by far
Many long years of abuse and hate
Is this always to be my fate?
I ponder a lot about living a life
In a world filled with pain and strife
Do I want to remain and be
Or is death the answer for me.
Do I stay and try not to heed the call
Or would that only be a stall?
To take my life would give me peace
All doubts and questions would cease.
The world will go on after I have died
People will forget after they have cried
I will be gone but life will go on
Peace and tranquility I will have won.
If I were to live, rather than die
Can you give me one good reason why
I should go on, why I should stay
Living in pain and fear this way?
I want to do what is right for me
The outcome of the future is the key
Why am I here, what am I to become?
Nothing I can see, and that is the sum.
More of the same day after day
Nothing will change, come what may
The questions, the doubts just go on and on
Hope of that changing is all but gone.
I want to be done, I want to be free
There's only one answer there could possibly be
An end to the turmoil, an end to the fright
An answer that feels totally right.
One day soon I will end it once and for all
No longer will I wait or stall
In darkness and death I will finally find
What I wanted most in life, a peace of mind.
As I grew up I knew somewhere deep down inside
A scared little person named Georgina did reside
Torn from her family, literally given away
Georgina couldn't bear it, she couldn't stay
Disappearing within she did depart
Fear and confusion filling her heart
It wasn't Georgina but in her stead came to be
The one on the outside, known only as She.
Her life before She was just a blur
But in her heart She knew for sure
That something bad she had done
She was guilty, She was the one.
She knew that Georgina was somehow to blame
What it was she had done though, She couldn't name
Not knowing the events that had led to this state
Made it seem impossible to avoid the same fate
Leaving behind the first family without a second glance
She soon was adopted, total obedience her chosen stance
Her fear of rejection, of being abandoned once more
Were constant companions going right to her core.
Things went wrong, as they surely would
Cause She couldn't be as a daughter should
Afraid of her new mother right from the start
She couldn't play the loving part.
She's fears made her withdrawn, afraid to get close
Her mother made it clear she loved her sister the most
With rules constantly changing, She didn't know how
To stop herself from leaving the here and the now
With no one to talk to, with no reason to stay
As Georgina did before her, She ran away
And who, you might ask, would there then be?
Why, yet another self, known only as She.
When this She took over, she was ten years of age
Confronted daily by her mother's terrible rage
Trouble at school, a home full of hate
She wondered if this was to always be her fate
Physical, emotional and sexual abuse
If this was life, what was the use?
Different She's came and went over the following years
Not sharing with anyone, keeping to themselves all their fears.
From ten until twelve in and out the She's did go
The intensity of feelings determining the flow
Thirteen and fourteen, just like the rest
Things were reaching a mind-blowing crest
Tortured and tied by one She did love
She watched with horror from somewhere above
It all was too much for her to feel
She went away, leaving who to deal?
Someone was there trying their best
Dealing with the abuse and with all the rest.
During grade ten She was in a terrible state
So started seeing a counselor, but it was already too late
Drinking and drugs had become her way
To deal with the pain, a heavy price She did pay
Years of abuse had taken their toll
For inside She was a gaping hole
Her memories were gone, her feelings not there
She desperately needed someone to care.
Though help did arrive it wasn't enough
To bring Georgina back to deal with this stuff
Though lacking real feelings, the She's had found
People couldn't tell when they weren't around
The She's had learned to cover for all that went on
It became natural for them to just up and be gone
When hospitalized someone else did talk of the pain
Her discharge from hospital was what She did attain.
After two weeks of freedom She was ready to die
Nothing at all mattered, She just wanted to cry
No hope for the future from a terrible past
All She wanted was to be peaceful at last
Try as She might though She could not succeed
Through a suicide attempt She tried to be free
Saved by a friend, brought back to the hell
Back to the hospital to try to get well.
In the hospital the help She received was really a crime
Playing pool or cards, just putting in time
She's date of release at Christmas came and went
Because of a very unfortunate event
A nurse told her mother of She's desire to kill
Mother said "Keep her", we've had our fill
Spring did arrive, She finally was free
To a tourist camp to work for less than minimum fee.
Sex with a friend for the very first time
He gave her acid, and She lost her mind
Back to the hospital for a week she did stay
Then back to the camp until the following May
When threatened with violence, of course She did run
Back home where her parents asked what She had done.
It didn't last long, this staying at home
Mother said "Get out", again She did roam.
Up north as a waitress for one month She did last
The owner propositioned her, firing her when she laughed
Now out on her own to drugs She did turn
Peace of mind and some caring was all She did yearn
Trouble with the law, bad acid trips galore
Brought She back to the hospital once more
She did more drugs inside than ever before
Self-hatred burning deep, right down to her core.
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