Theories On Grimace

WHAT IS GRIMACE? It's a question that arises time and time again, usually at parties, or at a diner at 4am after a long night clubbing. Anyone with a television who grew up in the 70's and 80's was bombarded with McDonald's commercials, sandwiched in between all the kids' shows.

To the best of my memory (and that of my friends), here's what we've gathered:

In the beginning, there was Ronald McDonald, Czar of McDonaldland. Like the band Kiss, as a youth, I wished he would just take off the stupid makeup! Not because I wanted to see who he was, but because of one simple fact: CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. It might have worked for Emmett Kelly and Bozo, but not for someone peddling burgers.

Mayor McCheese: I have a lot of respect for Mayor McCheese. It just goes to show that even with a huge birth defect - a hamburger for a head! - you can still overcome adversity, achieve greatness, and become Mayor. Obviously, Mayor Marion Barry patterned his life after Mayor McCheese.

The Policeman-Burger-Guy: There was a policeman with the same hamburger-type head, but I don't remember his - or its - name. You don't see much of him anymore. Last I heard, he was fudging evidence in the O.J. Simpson trial...

Hamburglar: His face changed from the 70's to the 80s. Either McDonald's changed his face because he was scaring small children, or the Hamburglar had intense plastic surgery so he couldn't be recognized in a line-up. Not the brightest guy -- most thieves steal money, not burgers, but to each his own...

The Fry Guys: From what I remember about them, they looked like mold spores with eyes and legs. They would drop down from the sky (with fishing line) and steal some poor schmuck's french fries. (Watta bummer.)

Birdie: represents Chicken McNuggets. We think...? Oh, the marketing genius...

And, of course, the reason for this page: GRIMACE!!!!

What the HELL is Grimace? According to the American Heritage Dictionary, 1996 edition, to "grimace" means, "a sharp contortion of the face, expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust." McDonald's own web site gives a brief insight into Grimace. They state, “Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he's a little slow and clumsy sometimes.” (Ok?)

A friend of mine remembers Grimace as an evil character, who used to steal milkshakes from everyone. Oh, good, another thief -- between Hamburglar, the Fry guys, and Grimace, crime was running rampant in the 'McHood. News flash: Maybe these characters weren't exactly great role models for children? Or perhaps Ronald was hogging all the food from the others, forcing them into a Dickensian life of crime? Who can say...

After drinking too many milkshakes, most people probably would resemble Grimace. But where was he from? And what were his thoughts, dreams, and secrets? If he was evil, why did he change and what provoked the change? What was the catalyst for change from leading a life of crime to a benign, steroid-inflated pre-Barney lookalike?

Disclaimer: Oh, PLEASE, Ronald, don't sue me. You have billions, I have squat. You take no shame in the fact that you push your food through the use of buffoonish cartoon-like rejects, so kids will see your commercials and cry out, "Mommy mommy, I want to go to McDonald's," forcing the parents to drive their little brats to your store, so they may ingest your high sodium, high cholesterol, slaughtered cattle. This, food, in turn, is served by pimple-faced teenagers, who don’t give a rat's-ass about you or your store -- they just want their pittance of a salary so they can buy pimple cream and beer, to forget for a little while that they work at McDonald's, and dream of better things.