From: MB
Subject: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
I am curious (and a little anxious) to know whether homeschooling has helped ease the transition into teenage years, i.e. the typical rebellious teen thing, embarrased being around your parents, wanting to be with friends more than family, that sort of thing. My oldest is 8 and I hear all these horror stories regarding the teenage years and I am hoping (please say it's so!) that homeschooling will keep the family bond strong through this stage. I'd love to hear some feedback...TIA!
THE RESPONSES:
From: L
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
My 2 teen boys (14 & 15)have never been ashamed to be seen with me.They still have a very strong desire to be around other kids though.I don't have a problem with this,as long as their friends are not into drugs,drinking,etc.I have a very close bond with both my kids,and I doubt this would of been possible,were they gone off to school all day.In other words,I am not sorry I home-school.
From: C
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
I can definately say that homeschooling has made a stronger family bond and we haven't had to deal with the peer pressures of being a teen. We have 4 children: 24, 22, 16, 15 and then have NEVER express feeling embarressed by being with their parents. In fact we just took a short vacation with the two younger and the two older were quiet disappointed that they wouldn't be able to go with us (college kept them home). I know we have a much closer relationship with our kids BECAUSE we chose to homeschool them. However, we limit the amount of time they spent/spend with kids in public school. Sometimes this is hard - but the results were well worth it.
From: J
Subject:
That's something I hadn't thought of...
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
Our younger sons are now at the age at which their older (22) un-homeschooled brother first started making noises about not wanting to go on vacations with his family. He wanted to stay home and just hang out with his friends instead of going to Disney World or the beach with his parents and younger brothers. His now-teenaged homeschooled brothers would never think of such a thing. We continue to have just as much fun as a family as we always have. Thanks for reminding me of something else to be thankful for.
From: AO
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
My DH and I were talking about our DD's attitude. I was thinking about sending her to ps for 6th grade (she's in 4th this year, so she's entering the pre-teen years). She has some ps'ed girls that she hangs around with for an hour each day after they get home from school. Watching our dd's attitude since she's met these girls has convinced us to keep her home, no matter what. I believe that my dd is so susceptible to "fitting in with the crowd" no matter how hard we try to instill our values into her. The girls aren't bad girls, but our dd "forgets" her rules when she's with them.
Our dd attended ps through 2nd grade. When we took her out, she was almost like a stranger, but we've bonded together as a family so much, I will not lose that again.
From: Mo2
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
We have 2 teenage sons, one 11 yr-old, and an infant. Our two sons (16 and 14) have been a joy in teenage years. They each have their own Christian friends, interests, jobs, etc. but are a very vital part of our family. No major rebellion problems with them. They are wonderful care givers of our 4 month old daughter also. I think homeschooling is vital to the teen transition. They enjoy outings with our whole family, they do chores around the house willingly, help with the cooking and baking :-), talk about their future plans and goals with us, etc. Keep communication open with your 8-yo and enjoy the teen years. Really!
From: K
Subject: Ease the "teen transition"? YES!
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
Reading the responses has been fun, and an affirmation that there is something right about what we're all doing.
Our story is much like the others. Our oldest just finished 5th grade when we pulled her and younger siblings out of ps. We experienced the "debriefing" others have mentioned, and I've been waiting for the teen rebellion and trouble to begin. She is now 16 and still a delight! What has been the neatest thing is seeing her mature but yet not lose herself. By that I mean we still see her personality that has been there since day one, she hasn't really changed (which I hear many others complain about their teens - "they've changed so much" or "she's not the same kid she once was").
I agree with all the others who mentioned independence - it's hard for a parent to allow, but so necessary. My daughter and I have remained close. Talk about most everything. She has a heart for God that most teens scoff at, she is grounded. And the proof for me that it isn't "just her" is that we have a 14 year old with a very different personality who is also not rebellious, open with us, and well grounded.
So is home schooling the key? Well, it's a start! The real key is the time spent with our children and the absence of contrary influences. It just convinces me that the tide of peer pressure is more forceful than we can comprehend, and we do well to protect our kids from this overwhelming force.
From: CR
Subject: Homeschooling helped bond our family, too....
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
My two girls were hs-ed until they were 13 and just-turned 15. Nowadays, even though they're 15 and almost 17 and they're in high school (attending a Christian school), they are still happy to go places with their dad & me, even on a Saturday night when so many other teens they know are out on dates or in groups! I find it amazing. When I was their age I was somewhat embarrassed to be seen with my folks, so sometimes I ask my kids whether it's okay to be seen together... They act surprised--"Of course it's okay, I'm glad to be with you!" They think the other kids' bad attitudes are ridiculous. My girls aren't perfect and we have gone through some emotional times, especially with my eldest when she was about 11-14 years old. I think the hormones and growing up can cause difficulties under any circumstances...also, I was young when I had my kids so I've had to do some maturing myself. BUT, I can see a big difference between my kids and many of the other CS kids, and of course the differences between them and most PS kids are enormous. They love us, their parents... they talk to us about their lives, they are honest, they don't use bad language or want to dress immodestly, they realize they're not ready to date at this age, etc. etc.! So we are really very glad we homeschooled for so long. If I hadn't felt convinced that they were ready to go to CS, I would be glad to be homeschooling them still!
From: J
Subject: A thought about homeschooling teens' relationships with their parents ...
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
I don't think homeschooling's effect on teens is the only explanation for why they may have better relationships with their parents and other family members. I think homeschooling makes us better PARENTS, too. We have the opportunity to really KNOW our children, to be comfortable with who they are. We aren't as surprised or closed-minded about their emotional ups and downs or adolescent ideas as we would be if we weren't with them so much, sharing their lives so intimately. They still have those ups and downs and unwise ideas, but we are more in tune with the child, and tend to work through these things with them without the eruptions that occur when teens have hidden something from their parents for a long time, or grown in ways that make them little "strangers" to their families.
From: MB
Subject: I totally agree. HSing has made me a better parent! (no additional text)
In Reply to: A thought about homeschooling teens' relationships with their parents ...
From: CR
Subject: I was typing while you were posting...I very much agree with what you said...
In Reply to: A thought about homeschooling teens' relationships with their parents ...
I feel bad for so many families where the parents and children seem to hardly know each other.
From: J
Subject: We didn't homeschool our oldest son...
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
But do homeschool his younger brothers. The difference in the quality of our relationship with the younger brothers - and in their overall emotional health - compared with that of their older brother is like night and day. As much as I regret not having homeschooled our oldest, I am thankful that I have his experiences to keep us convicted we are doing the right thing with his brothers.
From: AM
Subject: Re: Oh, my, yes!.......
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
I have a fourteen year old daughter who is a delight to be with. We do not have to go 'round much on fashion, and make-up and dating are only occaisional topics of discussion - very clear questions and calm answers.
Certainly we have our moments(LOL!),...but they are usually short and able to be worked out with a minimum of tears and upset. We talk a lot. We go horseback riding together when we can (I'm just learning, she's the expert!), and we read books together all the time. We both know that we have something very special, and want to keep it. We note and talk about what we see, both positive and negative, in others' mother-daughter relationships. It keeps us honest. She will even let me read her journal, and that is very good. I talked to her about it a couple of years ago, and told her that I thought that it was especially important that we not keep things from each other. We may not be able to say everything immediately, or even face to face, but that we should want to share even the hardest things with the people we love and trust the most. She got it!
I know that life would be very different for us if she had been public schooled. Not better.
From: LM
Subject: Re: Hi, I'm that 14 year old daughter...
In Reply to: Re: Oh, my, yes!.......
I want to tell you that I have friends, and all of them are public schooled. Most of them are 10-12 years old, and they are all already talking about boys. Two of my friends act older than they are because they look much older. All one has to do is put on lipstick to look 16. Now they've both been trying to get me to get a boyfriend. At least they still respect me enough not to push it. I still play with my little sister and brother (7 and 11) while the others are busy putting up posters of boys.
I got a taste of the public school system when we had foster children in our home. I see a lot of it now through my friends. They are busy with clothing, and I don't see the point of letting your butt hang out or your top being so short that your chest shows. From what I saw in the local school, you are supposed to fit in or be out of the group. I also saw the public school kids centered on having sex early and having kids way too soon. I think you should still be just a kid until your are at least 18, and even then, chronological age has nothing to do with maturity.
At one time I thought I wanted to go to public school, but I know I would regret it now. The kids at public school don't have any time with their parents anymore. They act like their parents are on their back all the time, but I see that they aren't really. I value the relationship that my parents and I have, and I wouldn't want to lose that just because some kids at school thought that was uncool. My friends' parents will drop them off at some activity and trust that they will do the right thing, but they don't. I'm not allowed to go anywhere without a responsible adult, and though that can be a pain, I see the value of it.
Right now, the only guys I want in my life are my dad and my brother. I do have some guy friends, and get teased some about it, but we're just friends, and I'm not changing that relationship with them.
From: L
Subject: LM, I hope my daughters turn out like you.
In Reply to: Re: Hi, I'm that 14 year old daughter...
They seem to be leaning your direction so far, but are still 11 and younger. I don't sense the rebellion in you that I see in so many teens who are not homeschooled. You obviously appreciate the love, work and sacrifice your parents have demonstrated for you.
From: C
Subject: What a great encouragement you are to us
In Reply to: Re: Hi, I'm that 14 year old daughter...
I too hope my daughters turn out like you!! Why would anyone doubt what we are doing hsing after reading a testimonial like yours?
Thank you.
From: NMS
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
I am convinced that hs my teen has been a plus. We took him out of ps after the 4th grade. At that time he was embarrassed to be seen with me and showed no affection. He is 15 now and jumps in my lap and snuggles and has no problem having me go places with him and being seen together. Yes he is trying to assert is manly authority, but he is a good kid with affection for his mom and dad and I thank him for that.
From: C
Subject: We absolutly think that we are on the right track...
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
We have six children and the oldest is 11. She has 1 sister-8, and 4 brothers-6, 3, and 1 year old twins. She generally helps without complaining and usually loves to help watch and care for the younger ones. When her church or other friends visit it is a shame to see that they usually don't have any responsibilities like that at home. I can tell that all they do is play at home with no responsibilities. How sad.
We moved 2 weeks ago and went to visit a new church yesterday and had the joy of the childrens church teacher say that she could tell that we home schooled as our children were so well behaved. What a compliment.
Of course we do have some of the same issues to face and address as parents, but i feel that many are eliminated because of the time spent together hsing and playing and working together as a family. We had the 2 oldest in public school but took them out a couple of years ago. The attitudes of the children in ps is so antifamily and I belive that even those who belive they have a strong family but send their children away all day are missing something!
We must tell others that of course they can homeschool too. Why is it that people think that we are super-women??? I can only do what God gives me the strengh to do.
From: M
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
My oldest are 14 and almost 15... so far so good!
From: BK
Subject: It's DEFINITELY worked for US!
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
We started hs-ing when our oldest dd was entering 5th grade (she was in ps before that time). Our other dd is 6 years younger than she is. We have been hs-ing for 8 years, and oldest dd is graduating from hs high school in May. She'll be off to college in the fall.
It took the first year of hs-ing to de-brief from the ps years. But, it was worth all the tears! In ps, my daughter was the ONLY child in her 1st grade class from an intact family where her mom and dad were actually HER mom and dad. She was also the only vocal Christian, with an atheistic teacher. Made for a difficult year for her. In 3rd grade, her teacher had a nervous breakdown before Christmas, so dd had a string of subs for the remainder of the year. The bus ride was traumatic for her and day after day she would come home in tears. Drug sales were commonplace in her school yard (at the time we were living in a small city). So, there was lots of de-briefing to do that first year.
8 years later, I have a 17-yo dd who I am VERY proud of. She LOVES to be with the family -- always has (except in those years when peer pressure ran rampant because of ps). She still enjoys holding my hand when we're out walking, and is very affectionate. She tells me everything, and we share on a deep and intimate level. NONE of her ps-ed friends have that kind of mother-daughter relationship. This year, she started working as a lifeguard at a local pool. The other night, she came home from an aquatics staff pool party to tell me that several of the other guards were leaving the party early (dating couples) so they could go home and have s*x. Many of these guards are only 17, too! We have neighbors whose teen girls are active sexually, and think nothing of the consequences. They are mouthy to parents, obviously rebellious, and think nothing of breaking whatever rules they perceive have been set for them. In my opinion, rules are not consistently enforced, and the line has not been clearly drawn. Our dd knows our rules, and very willingly obeys them. When she's out, she calls (sometimes more than she needs to) if she's changing the location discussed before she left the house. She's responsible in the use of our family car (we have only 1). We have forbidden her to drive with a car full of kids, and she's fine with that rule. She doesn't drink, smoke, isn't sexually active (in fact, she's chosen abstinence before her wedding night). She isn't even dating, and isn't looking. Makeup is kept to a natural minimum. She's an absolute delight to our family.
She works hard in her studies. She's a violinist, so she practices 2-3 hours a day (she plans a major in music in college). She volunteers at a tutoring program in our church (that she started). She works at Christian camps in the summer. She has a part-time job (already mentioned) that she loves. We have gradually allowed her more and more independence, as she proves worthy of it. She has never abused those freedoms.
She readily plays with her 11-yo sister, and enjoys doing it. Our ps neighbor girls wouldn't be caught dead playing with their younger sibling! And, they whine if asked to babysit. Our dd tells us to go out for an evening; she'd love to watch her sister! She recognizes the importance of mom and dad needing time together. Our neighbors' teens are selfish, and demand from their parents constantly. Our dd isn't materialistic. She saves for and buys most of her own clothing. She doesn't see the need for her own car. Our neighbors' girls, although they work, also demand money from their parents for "bigger and better" stuff. The older daughter has her own car (so the parents are paying insurance on 3 new cars THIS year!).
I'm certainly NOT going to tell you that hs-ing solves everything. But, I know that in our family, we're not playing the "keeping one step ahead of the fads", and peer pressure is practically non-existent. Friends who know us well are impressed with how polite our kids are, how loving, how well they get along with all ages, how well they can carry on conversations with adults, how respectful they are. And, these aren't hs-ing families who notice. In some ways, I think there are those in our church who envy our choice to hs our children. Despite what I tell them, they believe that they "just couldn't do what you're doing."
So, if you're hs-ing your kids, and are consistent with your family rules, and truly LOVE your children...I believe that they will reward you with their time, their talk, and their behavior. They will love you back, respect you for the way they are being raised, and they will carry on the heritage you're giving them for their own children one day.
Don't give in to the fads of the world. Don't let your kids get involved with kids who will drag them down. Be very selective about who you let your kids "hang" with. Supervise their play when they are young, and don't be afraid to correct behaviors in children who are playing at your house or in your yard (ie. "In this family, we don't use those kinds of words. If you feel that you need to use those words, then it would be best if you don't play here anymore." etc.). Let your kids know that everything has a price. The nice clothes that other kids have are expensive and not well-made. If your kids want them, fine. But, maybe they'd want a family camping trip instead. Go to their softball games (ALL of them, if possible!) Be a presence in their lives! They will love you for it. Be supportive in all they do. At the same time, show support for their friends whose parents never come to games or recitals or art shows. Be a positive influence in the lives of your children's friends. They'll notice the difference,and perhaps seek it out in their own home.
I hope this has helped you some. Keep on doing what you're doing. Don't assume that just because the world tells you that your child will rebel when they hit 13 that they will. If your child is now only 8, you have several years to pave the way for a well-adjusted, obedient, loving child, who WON'T even think of rebelling as a teen! Don't go into the next few years "Waiting for the inevitable" -- because it doesn't have to be in your family! Expect the best from your child, and you'll most likely get it. Be firm, fair, and flexible. Then, come back to this list in 5 years and remind us of who you are, and where your teen is then!
Blessings to you and your family as you raise your child!
From: MB
Subject: Your post is inspiring! Thank you so much! (no further text)
In Reply to: It's DEFINITELY worked for US!
From: P
In Reply to: A question to anyone homeschooling teenagers....
Our daughter started hs'ing this year - she's not yet a teen, but had just started "middle school". She is 11 and was in 6th grade. Already, in talking to other moms of her old classmates, the troubles seem to have begun.
This is only our own family story, but while her peers are using bad language, becoming surly, and struggling to maintain that "pullme-pushyu" balance of trying to become independent of family, my daughter has actually become a lot closer to us. She is closer to her 9 yo brother, enjoys family activities, and is never embarrassed to be seen with me.
A perfect example: The other day, first day of softball practice, my daughter is the only homeschooler there, with a team of ps girls. One girl, when her dad shows up to see her play, says to my daughter, "WHAT is my dad doing here?" I suppose this may be a kid-to-kid statement from kids this age, but I was so happy that: 1) my daughter was mortified at this attitude, and 2) she TOLD me about it on the way home.
Just a note while we're on this vein - I believe that we need to give our kids as much independence as they show they can handle. I really think that in some situations, families make their kids more rebellious by not recognizing that pre-teens and teens NEED to begin that process of breaking away. It s normal and necessary to develop in a healthy way. I think that if we give them some room to grow those wings, they may feel less of the need to push our confining arms away.
I am so glad that homeschooling seems to be helping us (so far, at least) in reaching that balance of letting them grow, while still holding/protecting them.
From: MB
Subject: Thanks so much to everyone! .....
I was hoping this would be the case but when you hear all the negative stuff out there about teenagers and the inevitability of it, well, I was afraid this was just wishful thinking on my part. After hearing all these positive stories I feel I can stop worrying about it so much and just enjoy my children!
Thanks again to everyone!!
