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Jerrod Tune (College essay, February 2002)

“I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." John 21:18 (New International Version). The man that spoke this gem of great wisdom was not preaching as a prophet, but one who spoke from experience. We are raised up to live life as we please. Our mentality is one that requires that we satisfy our own desires, and only by compassion and duty to humanity do we occasionally serve others from time to time. But there is a dynamic shock that takes over a person when they realize that their whole way of living – that is, their self-seeking ways – is going to be dramatically changed, as they devote everything they ever loved or chased after to one thing… or one person. Such a dynamic blow to the mind and heart is such that it will change the course of any man or woman’s life forever. Up until I was 17, I was hopelessly devoted to myself, like any other teenager. Of course, like any other human, I had compassion on others and tried to give of myself whenever I could. But primarily, as is human nature, I was inclined to serve myself first, and then give what I felt convicted to give. But I soon learned (and continue to learn until this day) the effects on a human being when he is called to drop his whole way of living, and do something he never imagined.

At 16 years old, I had a passion for life, enjoyed however I wanted to enjoy it. But the summer of 1998 was only the beginning of the end (which is still yet to come). It was that summer that I stood, a sweaty chubby 16 year old with weird hormones and pimples to match, in the back pew of an old camp chapel more than three and a half years ago. I remember watching as a young man, a little older than me, knelt at the alter towards the end of the camp meeting that evening. Older ministers and family members were gathered around him, as he sobbed over some unknown issue in his life. I soon found out what it was. He rose to his feet as his alter entourage stood with him. The master of ceremonies handed a microphone to this young, soon-to-be-married, police academy student with so many dreams and aspirations. He opened his mouth and with just a few words, threw away everything he ever dreamed of. “The lord has called me to preach, and I can’t run from it any longer” he said with tears in his eyes. An air of joy seemed to envelop the congregation, as people left were leaving their pews to approach this young man standing at the alter, and embraced him. I remember thinking “I’m glad that isn’t me up there, giving up everything to be a preacher”. These were the famous last words. As the hugging and crying and rejoicing began to dwindle, and people returned to their pews, the speaker that brought the message that evening picked up the microphone and began to speak once again. “I’m not here to create an emotional stir, or cause anyone to make a decision in the midst of all the excitement. But I have this feeling like the Lord is not done yet… as if perhaps there is someone else out there that the Lord has been dealing with. If that person is you, then I want you to come clean.” It was in that moment that I suddenly felt a nagging feeling that something was wrong. And it occurred to me: this preacher wasn’t lying. It was very true that the Lord was calling someone else that evening. That someone was me.

I once tried to express the feeling of suddenly knowing that the Lord is calling me to radically devote my life to something I never even considered. I couldn’t express it then, nor could I now. But I remember that the first thing that happened at the onset of a life changing experience is that I denied it all. After coming home that weekend, I did everything to forget about it… to forget the experience of knowing that the eyes of every angel in heaven is fixed upon me, as the Lord stretched out his hand, directed my attention towards him, and then showed me a vision of his plan for me to throw away everything I had ever dreamed, and redirect my life into that of the ministry. I made no mystery of it: I had absolutely no plans whatsoever of making such a dramatic life change. But how could I say “no” to God? So with that, I chose to pretend like it wasn’t real.

Indeed, for the next year to follow, I had convinced myself that it was all in my mind. I was well accustomed to the intensity of teenage emotions, and I was ready to pass off my “calling” as nothing more than a sentimental flare-up. And so I did, trying to live my life as a normal young person, with dreams and aspirations like any other typical youth. Particularly, I had drowned myself in my music. I tried my best to attach myself to anything that has to do with music, in or outside of school. I was really set on just CHANGING my calling. I wanted to do music for the rest of my life. At least then, I could be in control, knowing exactly what I am doing. But the Lord doesn’t give up that easy. And I knew it. Though on the surface I had made up my mind that I would not be brought under the power of any call to serve another, on the inside I feared that my options were limited. The fear escalated as I spent that entire year trying to spur my imagination to come up with something, anything that I could think of to keep my mind occupied. I remember even going through a stage when I wanted to even doubt the very existence of God, just to justify my desire to believe that he was not talking to ME. But that was a foolish whim. I couldn’t escape him. My mind went numb, and I did everything I could to hold onto my sanity, as the Lord continued to distract my thoughts by working on that part of my heart that I didn’t have the strength to safeguard from any such convictions. Exactly a year after the Lord spoke to me for the first time, I found myself at that same bible camp, in the same chapel, only this time, sitting in the second pew on the night of August 4th, 1999. By this time, I was tired and weary. Not just in body… but in heart and spirit. I had a passion to serve the Lord, but I was torn by having to run from his will for my life. There was no greater pain for me than to know that I could never come into the presence of God without having to once again turn my face from his call. I remember the speaker brought a message that night about Jonah, and how he ran from the Lord’s command to preach the gospel in the city of Nineveh. As an act of mercy, the Lord caused Jonah to be thrown off of a ship, and swallowed by a whale. I can remember thinking and praying that evening while the speaker brought his message, “Lord, please don’t put me in the belly of a whale”. As silly as it sounds, this is how desperate I was. It was in these moments when the Lord’s command for me was clearer than ever, and this time there was no way I could stifle him by inviting doubt or denial to hide his presence.

It was in these moments, when the Lord couldn’t be stifled, that I began to felt a most intense fear that comes with knowing that my life was about to be changed forever. Indeed, this was only the beginning, but it was nonetheless enough to begin the gut-wrenching physical side effects that often accompany this kind of fear. And as the speaker came to the end of his message and offered an invitation, the procession of convulsive, involuntary symptoms accompanied the intense drama that was going on in my heart and mind. Satan had never fought harder than ever at this moment, offering me every excuse, every distraction he could find to keep me from doing what I was about to do. But at this moment, the voice of the Lord would no longer be stifled by the dark one, but instead would drive out the spirits that held me strong in my devotion to self. My spirit crumbled, and I remember beginning to bite my lip almost to the point of blood shed. I tried to hide the emotion, but I guess I didn’t do very well at it. A friend of mine named Cody – a guy who I had known for as long as I can remember – got my attention from a few pews behind me, and silently mouthed “What’s wrong?” I guess the tears were flowing a little harder, my face was a little redder, my eyes revealed a little more pain than what I realized. And God broke through. This was my moment to shake my head, tell this friend of mine that “nothing is wrong”, and continue to stand there with my arms crossed towards God until the invitation was over. This was my moment to be strong, and hold my own. But God broke through. With a head movement, I made a gesture to Cody, pointing towards the alter. I didn’t know what would happen if I went through with what I knew was inevitable. But I had no control at that point, when I ran out of my pew and fell face first on the alter, before Cody ever had a chance to meet me at the front. I began to weep like I had never wept before in my young life. I remember breathing so hard, my entire body convulsed up and down with each breath, so that my lungs felt like they could explode. Cody finally was able to get out of his pew and meet me there, as I sobbed uncontrollably. He began to prod fiercely, almost taking the voice of the Lord, challenging me to make it clear, “What’s going on, Jerrod? You’ve got to tell me. What is going on?” After what seemed like an eternity of the uncontrollable weeping, I finally was able to stifle it all for just a moment, long enough to mutter “I’m going to preach”.

Cody became excited, shouting “I knew it! I knew this would happen! I could tell all week that the Lord was doing something inside of you…” Cody’s voice trailed off. He continued to talk, and commend me on admitting this calling, but I didn’t hear anything he said. I think several different people, mostly ministers, had come to my side to encourage, exhort, and confirm that I was really serious about this. But I don’t remember any of it. I was in the presence of God, in a place where it seemed like no one else was in sight; It was just the Lord and me.

I suppose it was in this position of being in the presence of the Lord when he began to give me a peace, and show me how he had plans to cause me to prosper and to grow as a minister to him. And I went through that final stage of this life changing event: acceptance. In that moment, I felt like, for the first time, I had identified with God. I could see his purpose for my life coming together. All my future dreams, and all my plans began to crumble, as he began to show me visions of what my future would look like. But mostly, in that moment, the Lord just held me close, as I had surrendered to his will.

Coming out of this trance-like state of being in the presence of God, I began to regain cognizance of where I was, and felt the presence of my father kneeling beside me. I heard him say “Son… are you sure?” I remember thinking “that is the dumbest question I’ve heard in all my life”. There was no doubt in my mind; I was sure. I was sure that I wouldn’t be in the will of God if I went another day without making this commitment. My dad let out a shout of joy, and bowed beside me again to make it official. Though I had been there at the alter for what seemed like a solid fifteen minutes, I spoke to the Lord for the first time. “Lord, I’ll do it. I’m yours. If you want me to preach, I’ll preach.” My eyes were red and dilated as I opened them for the first time. As I stood from the alter, I looked around to see older ministers and close friends gathered around to pray. The master of ceremonies handed me the mike, so that I could tell the congregation what I had already told Cody, my dad, and then the Lord. “I’m going to preach” was all I said. It’s all I could say. That’s all there was to it. There was a great deal of excitement, and an air of joy enveloped the congregation. After a few minutes of spiritual “frenzy” that the congregation had worked itself up into, I was handed the microphone once again, so that I could say a few more words. I was still speechless. Once again, “I’m going to preach” was all I said. It’s all I meant. And I had accepted that.

A lot has happened in these past two and a half years, since that warm august evening when I accepted the fact that my life would never be the same. I have learned a lot, and I’ve grown a lot. I’ve learned that when the Lord begins to show you something he has planned for you, never thumb your nose at his divine plans. I’ve also learned to fear less and trust more. For the longest time, I feared the ministry, because I didn’t know much about the Lord and “spiritual things”. I was afraid my lack of knowledge of the bible would hinder me from proclaiming it to others. I also had a fear of standing in front of people. I didn’t mind doing it when I could just recite something I had memorized or read. I definitely loved to stand in front of people and sing and play. But when it came to standing before a congregation and declaring the Word of God, I had an immense fear. But as time passes, the Lord has helped me handle my apprehensiveness. I am beginning to learn more about him, and in turn, I learn more about his word as I spend time in prayer and study. And I have grown in how I prepare and stand before people to speak. I suppose the only fear I will always have is a Godly fear of the pulpit. It was one of few places where a man can stand and be revered as someone sanctified and anointed to preach God’s word. And I have been chosen to do that very task. To know that I must stand before a holy God and bear testimony of his ways, I am humbled, and moved with fear as well as with a passion to seek after sanctification. But the most humbling and rewarding feeling of all is knowing that I have found my identity in the Lord. There is no question in my mind that I have a calling, and a burden to minister to the Lord. When someone asks me what I am going to do with my life, I don’t stumble over my words. There’s no need to wonder. I’m going to preach.