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Script To The First Two Of A Kind

Dad- Mary-Kate, Ashley, let's go! You're gonna be late for school!
Ashley- Hey dad.
Mary-Kate- Hi Dad! Blueberry muffins! Dad, is this all for us?
Dad- No, I'm having some friends over later so try not to dirty the silverware.
Dad- And try not to get any lipstick on the glass. What's with the make-up Ashley?
Ashley- I just thought I'd put on a little blush for the first day of school.
Dad- It looks like you put on enough for the whole year! You know my rules about make-up.
Ashley- But Dad! I'm eleven.
Dad- And when you're THIRTEEN you can wear make-up. Now go upstairs. I want that stuff off of you before you leave.
Ashley- Okay, but you can stop the inevitable.
(ASHLEY WALKS UP THE STAIRS TO HER ROOM.)
Mary-Kate- Ya know Dad, I think we're gonna have a problem with that one.
Dad- (nod) Just eat.
Dad- Hey Jessica! Hey max! Are you all psyched for the first day of school?
Max- Oh yeah, I pumped.
Mary-Kate- Dad, PLEASE! We still have TWENTY MINUTES of summer vacation left!
Dad- Jessica, are you wearing make-up?
Jessica- yeah, for the first day of school. Everybody is doing it.
Mary-Kate- Not everybody.
(ASHLEY WALKS BACK DOWN THE STAIRS.)
Ashley- Hey guys!
Jessica- Ashley, I thought you were going to wear make-up for the first day of school.
Ashley- So did I. Bye dad.
Dad- Wait. Now I'm putting up flyers for a baby-sitter around the university on the days that I work late, so until then, Mrs. Baker will watch you.
Mary-Kate- Dad! We're too old to have a baby-sitter!~~~
Dad- you know I feel your pain, and you're right, so instead of a baby-sitter I can hire, …a pre-teen activities coordinator!
Max- You guys still need a baby-sitter?
Mary-Kate- Don't make me hurt you.
(THEME SONG/OPENING)
Dad- So, you see the earth has always had a green House effect to keep the air warm, but, if it gets any warmer the polar caps will melt, the oceans will rise and passing this class will be the least of your worries. Ok, so remember Wednesday morning we meet over in the lab so try to go to bed early that night. We start at 7:00am sharp.
Carrie- Professor! Professor, I just gotta say, great class.
Dad- thank you. I'll be here all semester. And you are?
Carrie- Carrie Moore, um, but, before I leave I just had a question on Wednesday's lab.
Dad- Yes?
Carrie- 7:30? Are you nuts? That puts me in Starbucks at 6:15! It's still DARK!
Dad- Well, sorry Carrie, but there's another class in there at 9:00, so I'll see you at 7:30.
Carrie- Professor! I have another thought.
Dad- And obviously no other classes.
Carrie- Why don't I go and talk to the professor of the other lab and see if he can move it up to 9:30, then we can start at 8 and everyone will be happy!
Dad- I don't get why getting up a little early is such a problem!
Carrie- You would if you spent the last year in Vegas.
Dad- You're not on the witness protection program, are you?
Carrie- No! No, I'm, I'm not your regular student. I'm 26. I dropped out of school my sophomore year to get some life experience and I got it, so now I'm back!
Dad- Ah ha-ha, and the FIRST thing you're gonna learn is how to get up early
Carrie- Okay, Okay, you're the boss. Who's your boss?
Dad- You know every year I have one student who I know I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. This year I think it might be you.
Carrie- ya never know! Bye!
Mary-Kate- I can't believe Miss Tanny gave us homework on the first day of school!
Max- You got Miss Tanny for seventh grade? Yeah, so? Last year she gave me homework and I wasn't even in her class!
Mrs. Baker- Mary-Kate! Ashley! It's getting a little chilly. Maybe you should put on your jackets!
Mary-Kate- But we're not cold.
Mrs. Baker- Well you could always come inside.
(BOTH TWINS RUN UP THE STAIRS AND TAKE THE COATS AND PUT THEM ON.)
Mrs. Baker- I thought that might change your minds.
Max- How can old lady baker be your baby-sitter? Her bed time is before yours!
Mary-Kate- She' not going to be our baby-sitter for long. We've decided that we're not having one this year.
(CARRIE WALKS OVER.)
Carrie- hey guys! Is this 238 Belmott?
Mary-Kate- Yeah. Are you a cop?
Carrie- No, I'm here to apply for the baby-sitting job.
Mary-Kate- Too late. Position was JUST filled.
Ashley- but if you like we could take your phone number and we can give it to our dad. He should be home ANY minute.
Carrie- Well, if your Dad isn't home yet how did he hire a baby-sitter?
Max- Oooooooo… Rejected in your face, disgrace!
Mary-Kate- Hey Max, somebody wants you across the street.
Max- Who?
Mary-Kate- Me.
Max- Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm leaving.
(MAX GETS UP AND LEAVES.)
Carrie- I can understand that you don't want someone watching over you all the time. You've got a lot of stuff on your minds, and besides school you're starting to worry about how you look, hair, make-up, boys.
Ashley- She knows me so well!
Mary-Kate- Big deal. Unless she can show me how to throw a curve ball, she's not baby-sitting material.
Carrie- I can't show you that, but, I CAN show you the slider I learned at Fantasy Baseball Camp.
Mary-Kate- You went to baseball camp? That's so cool. Did you like it?
Carrie- Are you kidding? 22 guys and 1 girl? What's not to like?
(ASHLEY LOOKS UP AND SEES HER DAD COMING UP THE STREET.)
Ashley- Dad! Dad! We found the perfect person to watch us after school!, right, Mary-Kate?
Mary-Kate- Yeah, she's GREAT! She can do all the girly stuff with Ashley, and all the cool stuff with me!
Dad- Oh! You found somebody you both like, maybe I'll marry her!
(CARRIE STANDS UP AND KEVIN SEES THAT IT IS HER.)
Dad- Or, maybe not
Carrie- Professor Burke! I had no idea that this was for you! I'm in one of your dad's classes at school.
Dad- Listen girls, why don't you go inside and get cleaned up for dinner while I talk to Carrie, okay?
Ashley- Okay. Bye Carrie!
Mary-Kate- Bye Carrie!
(THE TWINS RUN UP THE STAIRS AND INSIDE THE HOUSE.)
Carrie- This is the perfect job for me! Here is my resomay and most of it's true.
Dad- you know CPR?
Carrie- And first aid. I was a paramedic in Spain.
Dad- Oh! That should come in handy in case one of the girls gets gored by a bull.
Carrie- Ah hah hah. That's funny… So, when do I start?
Dad- Well, I just put the flyers up today, so naturally I want to see some other people first, but I'll give you a call.
Carrie- No. you won't.
Dad- Excuse me?
Carrie- Professor, the last person who fed me the line "I'll give you a call" was Bobby Clayton in junior high. I have a feeling I'll hear from him before I hear from you.
(CARRIE WALKS AWAY.)
Dad- Girls! Are you taking all that stuff up to the attic? Who've you got up there, the Donner party?
Mary-Kate- I'm sure that'd be funny, Dad. If, I knew what you were talking about.
Ashley- I know what he's talking about. It's not funny.
Mary-Kate- We're having a strategy meeting for the big game softball game this Saturday.
Dad- Oh, by the way, I decided to hire Mrs. Baker FULL time to watch you after school!
Mary-Kate- Mrs. Baker? She's so old!
Ashley- Yeah, we can't even talk to her. She's like, Generation A!
Mary-Kate- What happened to Carrie?
Dad- Your friend Carrie was a very close second., and, if anything happens to Mrs. Baker, then Carrie, being first runner up, will assume those duties.
Mary-Kate- In other words, forget it.~~~~
Dad- Just give Mrs. Baker a chance!~~~~
(GIRLS START WALKING UP THE STAIRS, KEVIN CALLS AFTER THEM:)~~~~
Dad- I heard she used to baby-sit for Leonardo DiCaprio!….Oh, I knew they wouldn't buy that.~~~~
(UP IN THE ATTIC)~~~~
Ashley- Hey guys. Bad news. Dad hired Mrs. Baker to watch us after school.~~~~
Jessica- What happened to Carrie?~~~~
Ashley- She's history. Dad said that the only way we are going to see her again, is if something were to happen to Mrs. Baker.~~~~
Ryan- I know some pretty tough guys in 7th grade.~~~~
Mary-Kate- (smacks him over the head) Ryan, you dork.~~~~ We don't wanna hurt her. We just want to find something for her to do so she can't watch us.~~~~
Ashley- We've got to think of something.~~~~
Ryan- You know how my mom gets off my back? When she has a boyfriend.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Who's gonna want to go out with a seventy year old lady?~~~~
Ashley- (looking up) A seventy year old man?~~~~
(OUT IN FRONT. MARY-KATE GOES TO TALK TO MR. PHILMOORE, ASHLEY GOES OVER TO MRS. BAKER.)~~~~
Mary-Kate- Okay, I've got Philmoore. You go throw some fearie dust on Mrs. Baker.~~~~
Mr. Philmoore- Something wrong Mary-Kate?~~~~
Mary-Kate- I don't mean to stare Mr. Philmoore, but I just don't see it.~~~~
Mr. Philmoore- See what?~~~~
Mary-Kate- Mrs. Baker says you look just like Mel Gibson, but, it's probably just because she has the hots for you.~~~~
Mr. Philmoore- Now what kind of language.. the hots for ME?~~~~
Mary-Kate- Don't look now, but she's staring at you. She turned away. I told you not to look!~~~~
Ashley- Poor Mary-Kate. Mr. Philmoore is pumping her for information about you again.~~~~
Mrs. Baker- Gracious! Why would he do that?~~~~
Ashley- come on Mrs. Baker. Everyone knows he has a major crush on you. Why do you think he's always string at you?~~~~
Mrs. Baker- I've never seen him stare at me.~~~~
Ashley- That's because he turns away when you look at him.~~~~
(MRS. BAKER TURNS AROUND.)~~~~
Mrs. Baker- He was looking at me!~~~~
Mr. Philmoore- She was looking at me.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Go get her. And Mr. Philmoore? Loose the broom.~~~~
(MARY-KATE TAKES THE BROOM FROM MR. PHILMOORE.)~~~~
Dad- But Mrs. Baker, I don't understand. Two days ago you were thrilled to get the job!~~~~
Mrs. Baker- Well two days ago was the highlight of my life was watching Regis and Kathie Lee. Now I'm in a relationship.~~~~
Dad- I only need you for a couple of hours in the afternoon.~~~~
Mrs. Baker- Sorry, but those are Henry's best hours.~~~~
Mary-Kate- I'm gonna miss you so much!~~~~
Mrs. Baker- you can visit me at Henry's anytime you want, just not when the shades are down.~~~~
Dad- Thanks for the warning.~~~~
(MRS. BAKER LEAVES.)~~~~
Dad- well, I guess we're back to square one.~~~~
Ashley- Wait a minute Dad. Didn't you have a second choice?~~~~
Mary-Kate- yeah, What was her name?~~~~
(DOORBELL RINGS, CARRIE WALKS IN.)~~~~
Dad- Carrie!?!?~~~~
Mary-Kate- Yeah, that's it, Carrie!~~~~
Carrie- Mr. Burke! I got your call!~~~~
Dad- You did?~~~~
Carrie- Well, actually Ashley called but she gave me your message.~~~~
Dad- Well thank you Ashley. It's like you can read my mind. You know what I'm thinking now?~~~~
Mary-Kate- Wait, Dad! Someone's gotta look out for you, after all, she was your second choice.~~~~
Dad- So she was. Carrie, it looks like you're hired. (looks at Ashley) How much am I paying her?~~~~
Ashley- We're still negotiating.~~~~
Dad- Well, that's it for today. Next time we're going on a little field trip. We'll meet at the elevator of the Sears tower, learn a little about gravity. A word of advice, don't eat breakfast. Carrie, wait! Look, it's your first week, and I wanted to remind you that tonight is the night I work late. I won't be home until 9.~~~~
Carrie- Got it. Bye.~~~~
Dad- Wait! The girls have a routine I just wanted to make sure you stick to it. They have to eat, do their homework, and go to bed at 9 sharp.~~~~
Carrie- Okay, but that hardly gives me enough time to pierce Mary-Kate's nose. Oh, wait! That' okay, I'll do it while she's asleep.~~~~
(CARRIE WALKS OUT.)~~~~
Carrie- These chocolate chip cookies are great. Who taught you how to make these?~~~~
Ashley- My mom. She was the best baker ever.~~~~
Carrie- When did she pass away.~~~~
Ashley- When we were in the third grade. Dad says I got her cooking talent, and Mary-Kate got her jump shot.~~~~
(MARY-KATE WALKS IN THE ROOM ON THE PHONE.)~~~~
Mary-Kate- I don't care if you're hurt Brian. You're a clean-up hitter. Well, haven't you ever heard of the expression, playing in pain? You are such a wuss.~~~~
(HANGS UP THE PHONE.)~~~~
Ashley- What's wrong with Brian?~~~~
Mary-Kate- Compound fracture. He's whimping out on Monday's ball game. You're gonna have to play Ashley.~~~~
Ashley- Uh-uh, no way!~~~~
Carrie- What's the problem? Why don't you want to play?~~~
Ashley- Because I'm awful! I stink!. All the boys will see that I can't hit.~~~~
Mary-Kate- They KNOW you can't hit.~~~~
Carrie- Anybody can hit. Even you. You just don't know it yet. Come on, I know someplace where we can pick up some tips.~~~~
Ashley- Where are we going?~~~~
Carrie- To watch a Cubs game.~~~~
Mary-Kate- A Cubs game? What are we going to learn from them?~~~~
Carrie- Nothin, but the Braves are in town.~~~~
Dad- Hi, Mrs. Lacey? This is Kevin Burke, are my girls at your house? No, no, there's no problem.. we just got a new baby-sitter and there seems to be a little miss-communication. Thanks anyway. Bye.~~~~
(DOOR OPENS. ALL THREE GIRLS WALK IN.)~~~~
Mary-Kate- but I had three aces and two kings!~~~~
Carrie- it still doesn't beat four of a kind!~~~~
Ashley- Boy, when we were little, Full House beat everything!~~~~
(TWINS RUN OVER AND HUG KEVIN.)~~~~
Ashley- Dad, we had the best time!~~~~
Mary-Kate- yeah, we went to Carrie's apartment and saw the Cubs game. Watched the WHOLE thing from the roof~~~~
Ashley- yeah! And in between innings she taught us how to play poker1 Feeling lucky dad?~~~~
Dad- Not right now. It's way past your bed time. Now say goodnight to Carrie.~~~~
(THEY SAY THEIR GOODNIGHTS, GIRLS GO UPSTAIRS.)~~~~
Dad- You know what time it is?~~~~
Carrie- Uh, ten after nine, but don't worry, the extra ten minutes are on me.~~~~
Dad- Carrie, I told you that they were supposed to be in bed by nine.~~~~
Carrie- Well I'm sorry but we were having so much fun!
Dad- Well I wasn't. I came home to an empty house, no message, and no note from their baby-sitter.~~~~
Carrie- I'm sorry but we were only ten minutes late.~~~~
Dad- Ten minutes, when I had no idea where my girls are. You would be surprised what goes through a father's mind in ten minutes.~~~~
Carrie- I can understand why you're upset, but I'm sure once you get to know me better…~~~~
Dad- I don't plan on getting to know you better.
Carrie- Are you firing me?~~~~
Dad- Carrie, while I'm gone I need to know that my daughters are being taken care of, and I don't get that from you. Goodnight Carrie.~~~~
Carrie- tell the girls good bye for me.~~~~
(CARRIE LEAVE.)~~~~ (UP IN THE GIRLS' ROOM.)~~~~
Mary-Kate- Ashley, do you think dad ill let me get a tattoo like Carrie's?~~~~
Ashley- I doubt it. You don't even know somebody named "Juan Luke".~~~~
KEVIN (DAD) WALKS IN.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Hey dad.~~~~
Dad- hey. Listen girls, about Carrie.~~~~
Ashley- Isn't she the best?~~~~
Mary-Kate-Isn't she the BEST?~~~~
Dad: I'm not so sure, I know you like her but I think she's being a little too loose with you girls.~~~~
Ashley: TOO LOOSE? No WAY! She doesn't let us get away with ANYTHING.~~~~
Mary-Kate: Yeah, she makes me do homework EVERY DAY! On Wednesday, she even had me doing extra credit. Do you KNOW what that could do for my reputation????!!!~~~~
Ashley: And she's not like a REGULAR adult. We can talk to her about stuff.~~~~
Dad: Stuff? What kind of stuff?~~~~
Ashley: Oh, you know. Clothes, movies, music...~~~~
Mary-Kate: Pokey Valentine...~~~~
Ashley: MARY-KATE! THAT'S PRIVATE!~~~~
Dad: Pokey..Pokey Valentine.. WHO'S POKEY VALENTINE?~~~~
Mary-Kate: Ashley's BOYFRIEND.~~~~
Ashley: He's NOT my boyfriend. He doesn't even know I like him!~~~~
Mary-Kate: He will tomorrow!~~~~
Ashley: YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~~
Dad- Whoa! Ashley! Hold it! Settle down, both of you. I didn't know you liked somebody? How come you didn't tell me about this Pokey Valentine?~~~~
Ashley- I don't know.~~~~
Dad- You told Carrie.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Hello? Carrie's a girl.~~~~
Dad- I see, so there are things that you'd rather talk to her about.~~~~
Ashley- Sure. We're not afraid she'll go postal or anything.~~~~
Dad- And I would?~~~~
Mary-Kate- Ashley's first boyfriend? Come on dad, even I'm gonna hate him.~~~~
Dad- Ah. Maybe you're right. That is gonna be tough, but I figured all that we've been through the last three years, we could handle anything together.~~~~
Ashley- We can dad, I mean you're the bast father in the whole world.~~~~
Mary-Kate- yeah, it's just that there are some things that are easier to talk to a women about.~~~~
Dad- I understand. I mean, as you girls get older you're going to be going through some things that are going to make us all feel a little uncomfortable. But I want you to know that there Is no one who can love you more than I do, and that you can talk to me about anything.~~~~
Ashley- Thanks dad.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Love you.~~~~
Ashley- Oh and uh- Dad? Could you do us a favor?~~~~
Dad- Sure.~~~~
Ashley- Could you knock next time you come in?~~~~
Dad- Sure.~~~~
(REF IN THE BACKGROUND MAKING ANNOUNCEMENTS)~~~~
Carrie- Come on Sammy! That's a way to earn some of that 10.2 mil!~~~~
Dad- Carrie.~~~~~
Carrie- Professor what are you doing here? Making sure the Cubs were in bed by nine?~~~~
Dad- The girls told me these were such great seats that I had to find out for myself. Who's up?~~~~
Carrie- Sammy.~~~~
Dad- Come on Sammy! I always knew you were worth all that money they're paying you!~~~~
Carrie- what are you really doing here?~~~~
Dad- Actually, I'm here to apologize.~~~~
Carrie- You don't have to apologize, I kept the girls out too late. You had every right to fire me. But you didn't have to be so mean about it. That, you could apologize for.~~~~
Dad- I WAS WORRIED TO DEATH!~~~~
Carrie- You didn't have to yell.~~~~
Dad- I NEVER YELL!~~~~
Carrie- YOU'RE YELLING NOW!!!!!!
Dad- I'M WATCHING A BALL GAME! GO! GO! I didn't just come here to apologize. I cam here to ask you back.~~~~
Carrie- Excuse me?~~~~
Dad- Carrie, my little girls aren't little girls anymore. They're growing up.~~~~
Carrie- Scary, huh?~~~~
Dad- Very, and even though I'm their father there are still going to be certain things they are going to want to talk to a women about. Things like, um…
Carrie- Clothes.~~~~
Dad- Yeah.~~~~
Carrie- Hair.`~~~~
Dad- Yeah.~~~~
Carrie- Boys.~~~~
Dad- That's the one I'm worried about!~~~~
Carrie- In other words, girls stuff.~~~~
Dad- Yeah, but they CAN talk to you.~~~~
Carrie- Well, I've been through girls' stuff. A lot…
Dad- Well I haven't, and that's where you come in.. Look, we both know that we get on each other's nerves sometimes.~~~~
Carrie- You don't get on my nerves.~~~~
Dad- Well, let me re-phrase that. We both know that you get on my nerves sometimes. But Mary-Kate and Ashley need someone like you in their lives and I'd really like it if you would work for us.~~~~
Carrie- okay on one condition.~~~~
Dad- I can't move the lab up till 8!~~~~
Carrie- No! No, look, professor, I'm not going to be your spy. If the girls confide something to me I feel you should know, I'll tell you, but other than that it is just between me and them, deal?~~~~
Dad- Deal. So, who's Pokey Valentine?~~~~
Dad- hey! Who won?~~~~
Ashley- We did, and Ashley got the winning hit.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Yeah! I hit a rope right down the middle.~~~~
Dad- A rope right down the middle?~~~~
Carrie- Yeah, that's a single to center.~~~~
Dad- oh, I know what that is. But Ashley doesn't.~~~~
Mary-Kate- Busted.~~~~
(THE GIRLS SWITCH THEIR NAME TAGS CORRECTLY)~~~~~
Ashley- Look dad, I know in the movies the crummiest hitter always comes through, but I, STINK! And this way, I got to be the hero.~~~~
Dad- But Mary-Kate got the hit.~~~~
Ashley- Who cares about the hit dad! Switching names was MY idea! (grin)~~~~
Carrie- I thought that was pretty cle-ver!~~~~
Dad- I'm so proud.~~~~
Carrie- Me too.~~~~
THE END

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