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January 25, 2001 I had an interview the other night at TGIFridays. They're opening a new one here. I interviewed for a hostess b/c there's no way I can wait on tables. I also interviewed at school for a job in the computer lab. It doesn't pay that much and it's not a lot of hours but I am trying to get more money so I can visit Chad in Texas for his bootcamp graduation. His dad and step mom said I can go with them. Plus, his mom is going and said I can go with her. That's nice and all but I have to get the money first. I had the travel agency for the base give me a rate for a plane ticket and hotel room. It was almost $400. I'm not old enough to rent a car so they'll have to do that. I have never been to Texas and I'm afraid to fly. I've flown before when I was little. My ears popped the whole way. I had to fly alone too. I would just get claustrophobic... part of that agoraphobia (i had) is being afraid to be "trapped" somewhere where you have a panic attack. Being in a plane is DEFINITLY someplace where you are "trapped." I guess I could take a xanex. Well, I am blabbing. January 24, 2001 Tonight Chad and I went and bought a pregnancy test. It was negative. Boy was he happy. So, I guess I am just late. There's an extra test in case it doesn't come for awhile. Chad is flying by himself tomorrow. He already did once. He almost has his license but he doesn't have enough time to get it before he leaves; next Thursday. {{pouting}} January 22, 2001 Well, I'm in class and I can't really write in here but I'm stressed about something... My period is late...I quit taking the pill b/c I got kicked out over Christmas and didn't have any and couldn't get to Planned Parenthood. On top of that Chad and I didn't use a condom every time. Which is weird b/c when I was on the pill we always used one. So, I am just waiting and waiting for my period... it should've come like last Wednesday, maybe Friday at the latest. I just need to find out before Chad leaves. January 19, 2001 Friday, my last weekend with Chad, since he's snowboarding next weekend. Ugh. Anyway, I can't believe this BUT, I had my speech ready to do in class today. I had notecards. I practiced it. Well, I got to school and realized that I forgot my bag of stuff I needed for the speech. Geez. So, I am supposed to be in class right now but I didn't go. Chad and I didn't see each other last night, but we did the night before. We ran into this guy at Blockbuster who overheard us talking... well it turns out he's in the Air Force and he went to the same bases Chad's going to. So, we talked to him a little. Chad got The Replacements, the football movie with Keanu Reeves. I really wasn't interested. I did homework. He spent the night at least. January 17, 2001 Hmm.. someone wrote me and said I don't sound "my age," that I sound like I'm 13. Okay.... another girl wrote me and told me about her boyfriend that went into the military and how bad it is. She says it's really going to change my boyfriend, Chad. Random thoughts..........it's really nice to sleep with someone. I was thinking this last night. I hate to sleep by myself. For some reason, I sleep better with Chad. I woke up today at about six and couldn't get back to sleep. So, I'm tired. Chad never even called me last night, how polite. He calls me every night or is with me, so this was kind of unusual. But, he's been doing things like this lately and I just don't want to write negative things in here. (I'm already negative.) I was supposed to get up and do a quick, easy speech about myself today. Well, I kind of refused to do it. Everyone was telling me to go and making this big ordeal about it which just made me feel worse. My hands were all clammy and I just wanted to run out of the room. I told the teacher before class I wasn't going but he thought I was kidding. So, I heard these nasty girls talking behind my back about how I "should've went..." and stuff. So, I think part of my speech Friday will be about my panic attacks and such. He talked to me after class and said I can still go for like five points off. But, now after this scene in class, it's just going to be worse. We are supposed to bring in five things that represent us. Well, I don't really know what to bring. As my mom, who always has something SO POSITIVE, (yeah right) to say about me said, "Your interests are pretty limited," and said I should talk about Chad. I DO have interests. There's reading, music, the internet, some games for the PC, my family, animals, Sarah Michelle Gellar, ha ha...... January 10, 2001 I could have sworn I wrote on here recently but I forgot, I wrote Jan 6th late. Tonight, I broke down and cried about Chad leaving. SEE, he's going on a stupid snowboarding trip with his best friend the last weekend this month, that's right before he leaves, and his last weekend home. I'm really hurt by it, because I want to spend it with him. He said to me, "I want to have fun before I go." This just hurt my feelings more b/c the way I see it, he just doesn't have fun with me. So, I started crying b/c it's just setting in that there's only two weeks left. When he first signed up for the military I was sad a lot. Then, I tried to forget about it but now it's like, bam, time for Chad to leave. I just don't know what to do. I don't want him to go. I don't want to be alone. There's so many things we did together last year at the time he will be gone....that I won't be able to do this year. January 6, 2001 Chad's 21st Bday We slept late and went to Dave and Buster's. (the sports bar/restaurant) We met Chad's Dad and step-mom there. They bought Chad a card to play games on. It was kinda funny. We did this thing that shows what our kid would look like. It was very weird looking. Chad did the ride that turns you upside down and stuff with his Dad. Not me! Barf. We had a nice dinner, which reminds me I have left over steak at home. Next, just Chad and I went to a casino. We only spent $15 but won $13 back. We were playing the five cents slot machine and i won $50. Woo hoo. I thought it was cool. I didn't spend it. I kept it, I'm not stupid! But that was fun. After driving around, we went to this dance club, Have a Nice Day Cafe. They play like 80's and 70's music. We danced. I had a fuzzy naval. (i love orange juice right now) He had a bahama mama, what a rip off for two drinks. Then some guy bought him a shot b/c it was his 21st bday and gave him a beer. I drove home, Chad was buzzing. It was called "liquid cocaine." I had more fun on Chad's 21st bday then I did on my own. January 5, 2001 Today I went to school and had them send my transcipt to the college Chad is going to even though he thinks I shouldn't go. (how's that for trying to stay together?!) I already applied but I had to wait till I got my grades up and send them. So, I joined my mom to this dating thing online and put her pic up. She's had tons of responses. Well, she has been talking on the phone with this one guy, the one that read my journal (!!!) and he's coming in town tonight to meet my mom. I can't believe it. He's driving from like Michigan, five hours. It's crazy. I know people do that kind of stuff but I wouldn't. Tomorrow is Chad's 21st birthday. We're going out to dinner with his parents. Tonight I'm not sure what we'll do. We always do the same thing, go to a movie or rent one. We don't go to bars or anything. The winter just sucks because we did SO much last spring and summer. That's the stuff I like remembering. I've had a lot of fun. This spring is going to suck without him, :( I won't have anyone to do all that stuff with. January 4, 2001 Happy New Year!!! It's been so long since I've really worked on my web page that I've forgotten some html. I got a little lazy the past few months. It's not like I've been really busy or anything. Let's see, on Christmas Eve my mom kicked me out over something stupid. No, she wasn't drinking. Yesterday was her thirtieth day of sobriety. That's good but I don't get my hopes up. I spent Christmas night at Chad's mom's house. I felt weird about it, kind of crashing someone else's Christmas. In the morning we ate breakfast together, she had cooked a nice meal. Then, we opened presents together. We drove to his Grandma's house then. There were lots of people there. Late that night I got a weird idea to drive to MY Grandparents b/c it was only an hour away. Chad was like, Fine, if you drive, so I did. I couldn't let them be alone on Christmas. We spent a couple days there. We came back and my mom told me something that really annoyed me. Her online boy friend (another story) read my journal here AND he told her what it said. I stupidly had a link to here from my yahoo account thinking, 'no one i know will read this.' well, so he told her my secret and she said i am weird and need counseling and all this stuff. It was really embarrassing. Chad and I needed alone time so we went and stayed in a motel. That was nice. No details neccasary. It had been forever since we had actually been able to sleep together. Then, I went back home and she did make some rude comments about me being weird. Over the girl thing. Ugh.
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