BETTE MIDLER GYPSY [ORCHESTRA WARMING UP] EVERYBODY, SHUT UP! ALL MOTHERS, OUT! GEORGIE, I DON'T WANT THEM IN THE THEATRE. IT'S A PLEASURE. O.K., MOTHERS! MOVE! OUT! AHA! ALL RIGHT, KIDS! LET'S GET IN A STRAIGHT LINE. COME ON, HERE. COME FORWARD ONE AT A TIME. THE DOORS OPEN AT 7:00, AND UNCLE JOCKO DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO REHEARSE EACH OF YOUR DARLING ACTS. YOU! WAIT RIGHT HERE, GIRLY-GIRL. GUS! HIT THIS DOLL WITH A SURPRISE PINK WHEN SHE DOES HER TURN. UNCLE JOCKO PROMISED THE WEE BAIRN WOULD BE A WINNER, AND SHE WILL. CHIP OFF HER SISTER'S BLOCK. YOU OUGHT TO SEE THEM BALLOONS. O.K. WHO'S THE FIRST IN UNCLE JOCKO'S KIDDIE SHOW TODAY? EACH FROM THE TOP, THEN CUT TO THE LAST EIGHT. EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT... " YA-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA-DA "" THERE ARE SO MANY TALENTED BAIRNS HERE IN SEATTLE-- AND THAT CRAP. [SNAPS FINGERS] "CLARENCE AND HIS CLASSIC CLARINET." [PLAYING OFF-KEY] GEORGIE, THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO KILL VAUDEVILLE. O.K., CLARENCE, CUT TO THE END. THE END, KIDDO. THE END, PROFESSOR. [ORCHESTRA PLAYS A FANFARE] AND WHO DOES UNCLE JOCKO HAVE HERE? WHO THE HELL DOES HE HAVE HERE? BABY JUNE AND COMPANY? HALF THE SONG, HALF THE DANCE, AND OUT. GOTCHA. [MUSIC PLAYS] " MAY WE ENTERTAIN YOU? " " MAY WE SEE YOU SMILE? " " I WILL DO SOME KICKS " OH! " I WILL DO SOME TRICKS " [WOMAN] SING OUT, LOUISE! SING OUT! WHO SAID THAT? " ...STORY " " I'LL DANCE WHEN SHE'S DONE "" YOU'RE BEHIND, LOUISE! CATCH UP, BABY! WHO LET IN ONE OF THEIR MOTHERS? HOLD IT, PLEASE! HOLD IT! SAVE YOUR STRENGTH, JUNE. LOUISE, DEAR, IF YOU DON'T COUNT-- MADAME, DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE-- TO SAVE YOUR VALUABLE TIME, WHEN I SAW YOUR FACE AT ODD FELLOWS HALL-- MY FIRST HUSBAND WAS ONE. I AM NOT AN ODD FELLOW. KNIGHTS OF PYTHIAS-- MY SECOND HUSBAND. I CAUGHT YOUR ACT AT THE ELKS. MY FATHER IS AN ELK! I HAVE HIS TOOTH IN HERE. JUST HOLD CHOWSIE FOR ME. LOUISE, STOP SUCKING YOUR THUMB. PROFESSOR, I JUST MARVEL HOW YOU CAN MAKE A PERFORMER INTO AN ARTISTE. GIVE MY GIRLS A GOOD LOUD-- " DEE-DEE-DA DA-DA-DA "" [JOCKO] WHAT'S GOING ON? GOD HELPS HIM WHO HELPS HIMSELF. OH, MR. ZIPSER. WHEN THE GIRLS DO THEIR SPECIALTY, COULD YOU AD LICK IT? [DRUM ROLL] GUS, PLEASE SLAP BABY JUNE WITH SOMETHING PINK. SHE'S THE STAR. SMILE, BABY DEAR. I HAVE SEEN ALL KINDS OF MOTHERS-- DO YOU KNOW AN AGENT WHO COULD BOOK A PROFESSIONAL ACT LIKE OURS? PROFESSIONAL? GET A LOAD OF THIS-- DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH! THAT CHILD IS GOING TO BE A STAR. THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. BUT WE'RE NOT FINISHED. YOU ARE, TOO. BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO PLAY FAVORITES. THAT FAT BALLOON BLOCKS UP MY BABIES! I WON'T LEAVE TILL SHE DOES. WHERE'S YOUR LOYALTY TO THE ELKS? I'M NOT AN ELK! WELL, THE EDITOR OF THE GAZETTE IS BECAUSE THE LAST MEETING, HE SHOWED MY FATHER A LETTER HE GOT COMPLAINING THAT SOME CONTEST WAS FIXED. [SNAPS FINGERS] [SNAP] " DA-DA-DEE DA-DA-DA " [ORCHESTRA PLAYS] " MAY WE ENTERTAIN YOU? " " MAY WE SEE YOU SMILE? "" THANK YOU, PROFESSOR. THANK YOU, UNCLE JOCKO. [DOG BARKS] THANK YOU, GUS. THANK YOU, MR. ZIPSER. SMILE! [BALLOONS POPPING] HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? THAT ROTTEN LITTLE UNCLE JOCKO! HE'S AS CHEAP AS YOUR GRANDPA. 10 BUCKS FOR A TALENT LIKE YOURS! WE'RE THROUGH WITH KIDDIE SHOWS AND WITH YOUR GRANDPA'S LODGE HALL. TIME WE WERE MOVING ON, ANYWAY. I'LL HAVE AN AGENT BOOK THE ACT ON THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT. THAT'S DOG FOOD, MAMMA. SO HE THINKS. I'M HUNGRY. WHY DIDN'T YOU EAT SOME OF OUR CHOW MEIN? WE'VE GOT TO SAVE EVERY CENT. LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT A NEW ACT FOR YOU-- "BABY JUNE AND HER NEWSBOYS." BOYS? LOUISE CAN BE A BOY. I'LL FIND THREE OTHERS. EXPERIENCE WILL BE THEIR PAY. IF I SQUEEZE A LITTLE MORE OUT OF GRANDPA, WE CAN HIT LOS ANGELES. GOOD NIGHT, MAMMA. [GLUMLY] GOOD NIGHT, GRANDPA. YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED, FOOLING YOUR KIDS WITH DREAMS. I'M GOING TO MAKE THEM COME REAL. ROSE, GOD PUT YOU DOWN HERE BECAUSE HE MEANT YOU TO STAY HERE. GOD'S LIKE ME, POP. WE BOTH NEED OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE. YOU'VE SQUEEZED YOUR LAST PENNY OUT OF ME. IT'S FOR MY GIRLS. IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME. GET A HUSBAND TO SUPPORT YOU. AFTER THREE HUSBANDS, I WANT TO ENJOY MYSELF. I WANT THE GIRLS TO TRAVEL, LIKE MAMMA. AND YOU'LL LEAVE THEM JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER LEFT YOU. NEVER. AREN'T YOU READY FOR BED, LOUISE? JUNE SAYS SHE'S SLEEPING WITH YOU. SHE'S HIGH-STRUNG AFTER A PERFORMANCE. I PERFORMED. IT AIN'T THE SAME. NOW, GO TO BED. GOOD NIGHT, GRANDPA. GOOD NIGHT, LOUISE. YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL. YOU ARE A GOOD GIRL, AND I WAS PROUD OF YOU TONIGHT. MAMMA, HOW COME I HAVE THREE FATHERS? BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN WITH A CAUL. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE THE POWER TO READ PALMS, AND WONDERFUL THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. WHY DO YOU FILL HER WITH SUCH BUNK? IT AIN'T BUNK. NOTHING WONDERFUL'S GOING TO HAPPEN. MAYBE NOT TO ME, BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF THEY'LL SIT THEIR LIVES AWAY LIKE WE DID-- WITH THAT ROTTEN RAILROAD COMPANY PLAQUE THAT SAYS, "CONGRATULATIONS. FOR 50 YEARS, YOU DID THE SAME DULL THING EVERY DAY." THAT PLAQUE IS A GREAT TRIBUTE. IT'S SOLID GOLD! WHAT COULD YOU GET FOR IT? WHAT GOOD'S IT DOING THERE? THAT PLAQUE BELONGS THERE LIKE YOU BELONG HOME! ANYBODY THAT STAYS HOME IS DEAD! IF I DIE, IT WILL BE FROM FIGHTING TO GET UP AND OUT! " SOME PEOPLE CAN GET A THRILL " " KNITTING SWEATERS AND SITTING STILL " " THAT'S O.K. FOR SOME PEOPLE " " WHO DON'T KNOW THEY'RE ALIVE " " SOME PEOPLE CAN THRIVE AND BLOOM " " LIVING LIFE IN THE LIVING ROOM " " THAT'S PERFECT FOR SOME PEOPLE " " OF 105 " " BUT I " " AT LEAST GOT TO TRY " " WHEN I THINK " " OF ALL THE SIGHTS THAT I GOT TO SEE " " AND ALL THE PLACES I GOT TO PLAY " " ALL THE THINGS THAT I GOT TO BE YET " " COME ON, PAPA, WHAT DO YOU SAY? " " SOME PEOPLE CAN BE CONTENT " " PLAYING BINGO AND PAYING RENT " " THAT'S PEACHY FOR SOME PEOPLE " " FOR SOME " " HUM " " DRUM " " PEOPLE TO BE " " BUT SOME PEOPLE AIN'T ME " " I HAD A DREAM " " A WONDERFUL DREAM, PAPA " " ALL ABOUT JUNE IN THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT " " GIMME A CHANCE, AND I KNOW I CAN WORK IT " " I HAD A DREAM " " JUST AS REAL AS CAN BE, PAPA " " THERE I WAS IN MR. ORPHEUM'S OFFICE " " AND HE WAS SAYING TO ME " " "ROSE" " " "GET YOURSELF SOME NEW ORCHESTRATIONS" " " "NEW ROUTINES AND RED VELVET CURTAINS" " " "GET A FEATHERED HAT FOR THE BABY" " " "PHOTOGRAPHS IN FRONT OF THE THEATRE" " " "GET AN AGENT, AND IN JIG TIME" " " "YOU'LL BE BEING BOOKED IN THE BIG TIME" " " OH, WHAT A DREAM " " A WONDERFUL DREAM, PAPA " " AND ALL THAT I NEED IS 88 BUCKS, PAPA " " THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, PAPA " " ONLY 88 BUCKS " YOU AIN'T GETTING 88 CENTS FROM ME, ROSE. WELL, I'LL GET IT SOMEPLACE ELSE, BUT I'LL GET IT AND GET MY KIDS OUT! " GOOD-BYE " " TO BLUEBERRY PIE " " GOOD RIDDANCE " " TO ALL THE SOCIALS I HAD TO GO TO " " ALL THE LODGES I HAD TO PLAY " " ALL THE SHRINERS I SAID HELLO TO " " HEY, L.A., I'M COMING YOUR WAY " " SOME PEOPLE SIT ON THEIR BUTTS " " GOT THE DREAM, YEAH, BUT NOT THE GUTS " " THAT'S LIVING FOR SOME PEOPLE " " FOR SOME " " HUM " " DRUM " " PEOPLE, I SUPPOSE " " WELL, THEY CAN STAY AND ROT " " BUT NOT ROSE "" NO, MADAME ROSE! MR. WEBER, YOUR BUSINESS IS SLIPPING. YOU NEED YOUTH-- FRESH YOUNG TALENT! I TOLD YOU THIS MORNING, AND I'M TELLING YOU NOW-- IF THERE'S ANYTHING I HATE WORSE THAN KIDS, IT'S KIDS ONSTAGE! SHH! CHILDREN, GO PLAY IN THE ALLEY. MR. WEBER, THAT WAS A ROTTEN REMARK. A GENTLEMAN WOULD APOLOGIZE AND BOOK MY ACT. I AM NOT A GENTLEMAN. DEEP DOWN YOU ARE! HERBIE, YOUR OPINION OF THE SHOW. DOUBLE YOUR CRACKERJACK ORDER. THAT BAD? EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF ACTS. YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE. YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE. CONSIDERING WHAT THIS INTELLIGENT GENTLEMAN SAYS, YOU COULD TRY MY ACT. COULDN'T HE? YEAH. YOU COULD, ED. WHAT? IT'S A FAMILY AUDIENCE. THEY LOVE KIDS. MINE ARE GREAT! THEY SURE ARE. HOW DO YOU KNOW? I'VE SEEN 'EM... IN SEATTLE. IT WOULD GIVE YOUR SHOW A LIFT, ED. WELL... LISTEN! STOP PUSHING! LET ME THINK IT OVER. IT'S HARD FOR ME TO SAY THANKS. YOU JUST SAID IT. WHY'D HE LISTEN TO YOU? EVERYBODY IN SHOW BUSINESS LISTENS TO ANYBODY. BESIDES, I'VE BOOKED ACTS HERE. ARE YOU AN AGENT? I WAS, BUT I'M IN THE CANDY BUSINESS NOW. HOW COULD YOU EVER LEAVE SHOW BUSINESS? WHEN ACTS HAD TOO LITTLE TALENT, I GOT ULCERS. YOU'RE TOO SYMPATHETIC. ALSO, I WENT BUST GIVING THEM MY COMMISSION AND CALLING IT THEIR RAISE. CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME. I DON'T HAVE A HOME. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED? I HAD FIVE SISTERS. THE UGLY ONE DIDN'T GET MARRIED UNTIL A YEAR AGO. WHY DID YOU HELP ME JUST NOW? I LOVE KIDS. OH. ALSO... I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE. WHERE? WAITING OUTSIDE WEBER'S OFFICE, LIKE A PIONEER WOMAN WITHOUT A FRONTIER. HMM. I, UH, DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D CONSIDER BEING AN AGENT AGAIN. WOULD YOU CONSIDER MARRYING AGAIN? HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT MARRIED NOW? I ASKED YOUR KIDS. AFTER THREE HUSBANDS, IT TAKES A LOT OF BUTTER TO GET YOU BACK IN THE FRYING PAN. AFTER 20 YEARS IN SHOW BUSINESS, YOU BREATHE BETTER IN THE REAL WORLD. FUNNY. WHAT? US. I LIKE YOU, BUT I DON'T WANT MARRIAGE. YOU LIKE ME, BUT YOU DON'T WANT SHOW BUSINESS. THAT SEEMS TO LEAVE YOU THERE AND ME HERE. IT'S HOW YOU LOOK AT IT. YOU LOOK AT WHAT WE DON'T HAVE. I LOOK AT WHAT WE DO HAVE. " FUNNY " " YOU'RE A STRANGER WHO'S COME HERE " " COME FROM ANOTHER TOWN " " FUNNY " " I'M A STRANGER MYSELF HERE " " SMALL WORLD " " ISN'T IT? " " FUNNY " " YOU'RE A MAN WHO GOES TRAVELING " " RATHER THAN SETTLING DOWN " " FUNNY " " BECAUSE I'D LOVE TO GO TRAVELING " " SMALL WORLD " " ISN'T IT? " " WE HAVE " " SO MUCH IN COMMON " " IT'S A PHENOMENON " " WE COULD " " POOL OUR RESOURCES " " BY JOINING FORCES FROM NOW ON " " LUCKY " " YOU'RE A MAN WHO LIKES CHILDREN " " THAT'S AN IMPORTANT SIGN " " LUCKY " " I'M A WOMAN WITH CHILDREN " " SMALL WORLD " " ISN'T IT? " " FUNNY " " ISN'T IT? " " SMALL " " AND FUNNY " " AND FINE " WELL, I'M NOT PAYING THEM MUCH MONEY. TALK ABOUT MONEY TO HERBIE. ARE YOU HANDLING HER ACT? NO. I CAN'T... I CAN'T... YEAH, I GUESS I AM. I'LL BE IN THE OFFICE. " WE HAVE " " SO MUCH IN COMMON " " IT'S A PHENOMENON " " WE COULD " " POOL OUR RESOURCES " " BY JOINING FORCES FROM NOW ON " ROSE, IS THIS ACT OF YOURS ANY GOOD? GOOD? IT'S GREAT! AND JUNE IS SENSATIONAL! WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT. " LUCKY " " YOU'RE A MAN WHO LIKES CHILDREN " " THAT'S AN IMPORTANT SIGN " " LUCKY " " YOU'RE A " " WOMAN WITH CHILDREN " " SMALL WORLD " " ISN'T IT? " " FUNNY " " ISN'T IT? " " ISN'T IT? " " SMALL " " AND FUNNY " " AND " " FINE "" EXTRA! " EXTRA! EXTRA! HEY, LOOK AT THE HEADLINE " " HISTORICAL NEWS IS BEING MADE " " EXTRA! EXTRA! THEY'RE DRAWING A RED LINE " " AROUND THE BIGGEST SCOOP OF THE DECADE " " A BARREL OF CHARM " " A FABULOUS THRILL " " THE BIGGEST LITTLE HEADLINE IN VAUDEVILLE "" PRESENTING... IN PERSON... THAT 3' 3" BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE... BABY... JUNE! [APPLAUSE] HELLO, EVERYBODY. MY NAME IS JUNE. WHAT'S YOURS? " LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " " LET ME MAKE YOU SMILE " " LET ME DO A FEW TRICKS " " SOME OLD AND THEN SOME NEW TRICKS " " I'M VERY VERSATILE " " AND IF YOU'RE REAL GOOD " " I'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD " " I WANT YOUR SPIRITS TO CLIMB " " SO LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " OH! " AND WE'LL HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME, YES, SIR! " " WE'LL HAVE " " A REAL GOOD " " TIME "" [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC RESUMES] [APPLAUSE] OH! OH! O.K., NOW. GO AHEAD. [SIGH] AHH! WHEW! THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'RE VERY KIND! [VIOLIN PLAYS] YOU KNOW, EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE TO THANK FOR THEIR SUCCESS. USUALLY IT'S THEIR MOTHER, AND SOMETIMES IT'S THEIR FATHER, BUT TONIGHT, I WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO JOIN ME IN GIVING THANKS TO AN UNCLE OF MINE AND AN UNCLE OF YOURS! THE GREATEST UNCLE OF THEM ALL... OUR UNCLE SAM! [ORCHESTRA PLAYS MARTIAL MUSIC] [APPLAUSE] [WHISTLE BLOWS] [ORCHESTRA PLAYS ANCHORS AWEIGH] YA! [THE CAISSONS GO ROLLING ALONG] YA! [THE MARINE'S HYMN] YA! [YANKEE DOODLE] [THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER] [APPLAUSE] [APPLAUSE] BRAVO! MR. CONDUCTOR, IF YOU PLEASE! [THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER PLAYED SLOWLY] [MUSIC SPEEDS UP] WHOO! [APPLAUSE] [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC RESUMES] OH! OH! [ALARM RINGING] [TURNS OFF ALARM] [TURNS ON ALARM] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WE'RE UP, MADAME ROSE. IT AIN'T EVEN 10:00 YET. LOUISE! LOUISE! TURN IF OFF, LOUISE. [TURNS OFF ALARM] I WAS HAVING THE LOVELIEST DREAM ABOUT A SPECIAL DAY. MY DREAM BOOK SAYS THAT-- WE WANT TO SLEEP! I JUST WANTED TO SAY-- SHH! SHH! SHH! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP ON SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY? YOU WOKE UP MOTHER. I DIDN'T MEAN TO. IT'S JUST THAT TODAY IS MY...YOU KNOW. TODAY IS THE ONE DAY WHEN WE DON'T HAVE TO TRAVEL OR REHEARSE. WHICH MEANS WE COULD SLEEP. IS MAMMA MAD? SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM MAKING COFFEE. SHE SAYS AS LONG AS SHE'S UP, EVERYBODY COME HAVE BREAKFAST. THANKS A LOT, LOUISE. WELL, I SAID I'M SORRY. MAMMA? MAMMA? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! " HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU " " HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU " " HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR LOUISE " " HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO... " " YOU "" YAY! YAY! YAY! MAKE A WISH! I WISH... OH, MAMMA, I WISH-- THAT ROTTEN MONKEY ATE A PIECE! GIGOLO! BAD, GIGOLO! BAD, BAD! [GIGOLO CHATTERS] MAKE A WISH. ONE, TWO, THREE! I WISH-- SAY, THAT WOULD MAKE A GOOD COAT! YAY! YAY! HEY, THERE'S ONLY 10 CANDLES. SO? YOU'RE NOT EATING CANDLES. SHE ONLY HAD 10 LAST YEAR. AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT. STOP! AS LONG AS WE HAVE THIS ACT, NOBODY'S OVER 10, EXCEPT ME AND-- WHERE'S HERBIE? TULSA, SEE WHAT'S KEEPING HERBIE. GET LOUISE'S PRESENTS. I'LL WARM THE CHOW MEIN. CHOW MEIN? IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. CHOW MEIN FOR BREAKFAST? WHY NOT? THERE'S EGG ROLL, AIN'T THERE? WITH A SALARY, WE COULD HAVE BOUGHT PRESENTS, BUT IT'S MORE FUN TO CLIP FROM THE FIVE-AND-DIME. A CATCHER'S MITT AND A BIG-LEAGUE BASEBALL. OH, THANK YOU, YONKERS. HERE'S A REAL STUFFED CAT. I LOVE IT, KANSAS. I CLIPPED A GOLDFISH BOWL. I'LL GIVE YOU THE FISH FOR LENT. THANKS, L.A. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE, JUNE. IT'S A COMPLETE SEWING SET IN A VELVET-LINED BASKET. I SHOULD HAVE WRAPPED THEM. OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRAP BOOKS. WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOUISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TULSA. I MEAN, YOU'RE WELCOME. I MEAN, THANK YOU. HA HA HA! ONE EGG ROLL. NO MORE! HERBIE WASN'T IN HIS ROOM. WHERE COULD HE BE? WHERE'S MY PRESENT FROM YOU? IT'S FROM HERBIE AND ME. IT'S NOT FROM HERBIE. HE'S AN AGENT. HERBIE PAID FOR IT WITH A MONTH'S COMMISSION. OLD HERBIE MAKES THE SAME SALARY WE DO. GET THE COFFEE. I'M BUSTING TO TELL HERBIE ABOUT MY DREAM. IT'S REALLY IN YOUR HONOR ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. OH, BABY, YOU'LL LOVE IT. CHILDREN, YOU'LL ALL LOVE IT. IT'S A NEW ACT. OH. [BIRDS TWITTERING] IN THIS DREAM, JUNE WAS SINGING A SONG IN, LIKE, A BARNYARD, AND THEN A COW CAME ONSTAGE. A COW? PRETTY SEXY. NOT A REAL COW, A DANCING COW WITH A GREAT BIG SMILE. THAT COW SPOKE TO ME. WHAT DID IT SAY? MADAME ROSE! I'M NOT COOKING IN HERE! OPEN THIS DOOR! I'M DRESSING! THAT COW-- MADAME ROSE! I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW! AH! THAT COW SAID, "TO GET ON THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT, PUT ME IN YOUR ACT!" KNOW WHAT I'LL DO? PAY THAT CRUMMY COW, NOT US. I AIN'T PAYING ANYBODY, BUT I'LL TAKE THE COW'S ADVICE. I'M CALLING THE NEW ACT "DAINTY JUNE AND HER FARM BOYS." I'LL PUT THE COW IN THE ACT CHOWSIE, THE MONKEY, AND LOUISE'S PRESENT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. NO COOKING, MADAME ROSE? HOW DARE YOU ENTER A LADY'S BOUDOIR WITHOUT KNOCKING. WHERE'S YOUR HOT PLATE? WHERE'S YOUR SEARCH WARRANT? PLAN "B." ALL THE YEARS I'VE RUN A THEATRICAL HOTEL-- LEAVE, OR I'LL SCREAM. YOU KNOW THE RULES-- NO COOKING, NO ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES, NO DOGS, NO CATS, NO PETS OF ANY KIND. [BAA] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING! OH, MAMMA! IT'S A DAMN ZOO! NO PROFANITY. JUNE, GET THE BIBLE. GET THE BIBLE! PACK UP THIS DIRTY MENAGERIE AND GET OUT. YOU'LL HAVE TO THROW ME OUT, YOU ANIMAL HATER. SEND FOR THE SPCA. SEND FOR THE POLICE. I RENTED THESE ROOMS TO ONE ADULT, THREE CHILDREN. I FIND ONE ADULT, FIVE PETS, AND ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR-- YOU COUNTED HIM TWICE! A SIMPLE LITTLE BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MY BABY! ONE, TWO, THREE-- STAND STILL! I'D OFFER SOME, BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE EGG ROLL. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING IN THAT ROOM? WHAT ROOM? THIS ROOM! THERE ISN'T A SOUL IN THIS ROOM. NO, BUT-- EXCEPT YOU AND ME. AAH! MR. KRINGELEIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT-- STOP! HELP! HELP! RAPE! MY BABIES! MY BABIES! MONSTER! OH! ARE YOU O.K.? WHAT HAPPENED? A LITTLE BIRTHDAY PARTY-- CHOW MEIN, A TINY LITTLE CAKE. ROSE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU O.K., HONEY? SURE. WHERE HAVE YOU-- OOH, HERBIE. MR. KRINGELEIN, THE HOTEL MANAGER, HE TRIED... HE TRIED TO-- AGAIN? DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HIM. WHERE'S LOUISE? FAT LOT YOU CARE. SHE LIKE HER PRESENT? I'M SURPRISED YOU REMEMBERED. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? ROSE, THIS IS MR. GOLDSTONE. I ASK YOU, MR. GOLDSTONE-- THE CHILD HAS A BIRTHDAY ONCE A YEAR. WE PLAN A NICE PARTY. HE'S FROM THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT. THERE'S AN EGG ROLL APIECE, FRIED RICE, AND-- THE ACT IS BOOKED ON THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT. " HAVE AN EGG ROLL " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " HAVE A NAPKIN, HAVE A CHOPSTICK " " HAVE A CHAIR " " HAVE A SPARERIB " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " ANY SPARERIB THAT I CAN SPARE " " I'LL BE GLAD TO SHARE " " HAVE A DISH, HAVE A FORK " " HAVE A FISH, HAVE A PORK " " PUT YOUR FEET UP " " FEEL AT HOME " " HAVE A SMOKE, HAVE A COKE " " WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A JOKE? " " I'LL HAVE JUNE RECITE A POEM " " HAVE A LITCHI " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " TELL ME ANY LITTLE THING THAT I CAN DO " " GINGER PEACHY " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " HAVE A KUMQUAT " " HAVE TWO " " EVERYBODY, GIVE A CHEER " " SANTA CLAUS IS SITTING HERE " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " I LOVE YOU " [SIMULTANEOUS SHOUTING AND TALKING] AAH! AAH! WOO! WOO! HEY! HEY! AAH! " HAVE A GOLDSTONE, MR. EGG ROLL " " TELL ME ANY LITTLE THING THAT I CAN DO " " HAVE SOME FRIED RICE, MR. SOY SAUCE " " HAVE A COOKIE, HAVE A FEW " " WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. G? " " HAVE ANOTHER POT OF TEA " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " I LOVE YOU " " THERE ARE GOOD STONES " " AND BAD STONES " " AND CURBSTONES " " AND GLADSTONES " " AND TOUCHSTONES " " AND SUCH STONES AS THEM " " THERE ARE BIG STONES " " AND SMALL STONES " " AND GRINDSTONES " " AND GALLSTONES " " BUT GOLDSTONE IS A GEM " " THERE ARE MILESTONES " " THERE ARE MILLSTONES " " THERE'S A CHERRY, THERE'S A YELLOW " " THERE'S A BLUE " " BUT WE DON'T WANT " " ANY OLD STONE " " ONLY GOLDSTONE " " WILL DO " " MOONSTONE, SUNSTONE " " WE ALL SCREAM FOR ONE STONE " " MR. GOLDSTONE " " WE... " " LOVE... " " YOU "" GOLDSTONE! GOLDSTONE! [SIMULTANEOUS TALKING] " LITTLE LAMB " " LITTLE LAMB " " MY BIRTHDAY IS HERE " " AT LAST " " LITTLE LAMB " " LITTLE LAMB " " A BIRTHDAY GOES BY " " SO FAST " " LITTLE BEAR " " LITTLE BEAR " " YOU SIT ON MY RIGHT " " RIGHT THERE " " LITTLE HEN " " LITTLE HEN " " WHAT GAME SHOULD WE PLAY? " " AND WHEN? " " LITTLE CAT " " LITTLE CAT " " OH, WHY DO YOU LOOK SO BLUE? " " DID SOMEBODY PAINT YOU " " LIKE THAT? " " OR IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY, TOO? " " LITTLE FISH " " LITTLE FISH " " DO YOU THINK I'LL GET " " MY WISH? " " LITTLE LAMB " " LITTLE LAMB " " I WONDER HOW OLD I AM " " I WONDER HOW OLD " " I AM " " LITTLE LAMB "" HAND ME LOUISE'S PLATE. MOTHER. WE'RE PAYING FOR IT, AIN'T WE? BESIDES, WHAT THE DOGS WON'T EAT, WE WILL. ROSE, THERE MIGHT BE SOMEBODY IN THIS WORLD WHO DOESN'T LIKE CHINESE FOOD. DON'T BE SILLY. WHO? DON'T YOU LIKE IT, HERBIE? SURE, ROSE. I LOVE IT. DID SHE? YES, MAMMA. 'ATSA HEALTHY-WEALTHY LADY-WADIE. OH, GOD. HERBIE'S ANGRY. NEVER. IT'S BAD FOR HIS STOMACH. GIRLS, BEDDIE-BYE. YOU'RE AUDITIONING FOR T.T. GRANTZIGER TOMORROW. YOU HAVE TO LOOK YOUNG. CAN I WEAR A DRESS? YOU LOOK OLD IN ONE. BESIDES, YOU HAVEN'T GOT ONE. GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE HERBIE. NIGHT, JUNE. GOOD NIGHT, LOUISE. GOOD NIGHT, HERBIE. I'LL COLD-CREAM THEIR FACES AND BE BACK. ROSE, THE HOTEL IS TWO DOORS AWAY. HONESTLY, YOU BEHAVE AS THOUGH THOSE GIRLS--ROSE! WE NEED NEW SILVERWARE. HERBIE. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO GET USED TO ME? HOW ABOUT ME GETTING USED TO THOSE COATS? WHAT'S WRONG? THEY'RE VERY STYLISH. AS THE GOOD LORD SAYS, "AN EYE FOR AN EYE. A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH." SERVES THEM RIGHT FOR OVERCHARGING. THEY CAN SKIP THE COLD CREAM FOR ONE NIGHT. ALL THIS TIME, AND YOU STILL STAND UP FOR ME. INSTEAD OF STANDING UP TO YOU. I WANTED DINNER, JUST THE TWO OF US, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS? THEY'RE JUST BABIES. ROSE, HOWEVER YOU DRESS THEM OR SMOTHER THEM, THEY'RE ALMOST YOUNG WOMEN. THEY'RE NOT. WHEN WILL YOU MARRY ME, ROSE? BRING OUR SCRAPBOOKS TOMORROW. WHEN WILL YOU QUIT STALLING? HONEY, DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A DEPRESSION? OF COURSE! I READ VARIETY. DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S DOING TO VAUDEVILLE? DON'T YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU? THINK I'D BE UNFAITHFUL TO MY HUSBANDS IF YOU DIDN'T? BUT I MUST THINK OF MY GIRLS' HAPPINESS. LOUISE IS HAPPY BEING A COW'S FRONT END. IT'S BETTER THAN THE REAR END. ANYWAY, SHE LOVES ANIMALS. THE GIRLS SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL. AND BE LIKE OTHER GIRLS-- COOK, CLEAN, AND DIE. HONEY, COULD I HAVE A SPOON TO STIR MY TEA? I PROMISED JUNE I'D GET HER ON THE PANTAGES CIRCUIT AND ORPHEUM CIRCUIT, AND I DID. I DID! YOU PROMISED ME THAT AFTER I DID, YOU'D MARRY ME. I PROMISED SHE'D HEADLINE BROADWAY. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? YES, BUT I'M IGNORING IT. THANKS, HONEY. IT ISN'T POLITE TO REMIND A LADY THAT SHE WELCHED. THERE WAS NO DATE ON THAT PROMISE. ROSE, STOP HANDING ME THAT BULL! OH, YOUR STOMACH. OH, HERBIE. WHY DON'T YOU GET ANGRY ON THE OUTSIDE, INSTEAD OF LETTING IT SETTLE IN YOUR STOMACH? I'M AFRAID. OF ME? OF ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IF I EVER LET LOOSE, IT'LL END WITH ME PICKING UP AND WALKING. ONLY AROUND THE BLOCK. NO. DON'T SAY THAT. " YOU'LL... " " NEVER GET AWAY FROM ME " " YOU CAN CLIMB THE TALLEST TREE " " I'LL BE THERE SOMEHOW " " TRUE, YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, HERE'S YOUR HAT" " " BUT A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT " " COULDN'T STOP ME NOW " " I... " " COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM YOU " " EVEN IF YOU TOLD ME TO " " SO GO ON AND TRY " " JUST TRY " " AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE " " HOW YOU'RE GONNA NOT AT ALL... " " GET AWAY " " FROM ME "" ROSE, WHAT DO YOU WANT? THERE ARE BETTER AGENTS. NOT FOR ME. EVEN WEAKER MEN. NOT FOR ME. THEN WHAT? YOU. HERBIE, JUST KEEP HELPING LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HELPING, JUST LET ME GET JUNE'S NAME UP IN LIGHTS SO BIG, IT'LL LAST MY WHOLE LIFE. ROSE, WHAT YOU EXPECT-- I'LL GET! THEN I PROMISE I'LL MARRY YOU. I EVEN PROMISE TO KEEP MY PROMISE. I DON'T WANT TO UPSET ANYTHING BEFORE TOMORROW'S AUDITION, INCLUDING YOUR STOMACH. " ROSE, I LOVE YOU " " BUT DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS " " COME DANCE WITH ME " " I WARN YOU " " THAT I'M NO BOY SCOUT " " RELAX AWHILE " " COME DANCE WITH ME " " SO DON'T THINK " " THAT I'M EASY PICKIN'S " " THE MUSIC'S SO NICE " " ROSE, 'CAUSE I JUST MAY SOMEDAY " " PICK UP AND PACK OUT " " OH, NO, YOU WON'T " " NO, NOT A CHANCE " " NO ARGUMENTS " " SHUT UP AND DANCE " " YOU'LL... " " NEVER GET AWAY FROM ME " " YOU CAN CLIMB THE TALLEST TREE " " I'LL BE THERE SOMEHOW " " TRUE, YOU COULD SAY, "HEY, HERE'S YOUR HAT" " " BUT A LITTLE THING LIKE THAT " " COULDN'T STOP ME NOW " " I... " " COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM YOU " " EVEN IF I WANTED TO " " WELL, GO ON AND TRY " " JUST TRY " " AH, ROSE " " AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE " " AH, ROSE " " HOW YOU'RE GONNA NOT AT ALL... " " GET AWAY " " FROM... " " ME "" [TELEPHONE RINGS] YES, MR. GRANTZIGER. YES, BUT THEY'RE HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR SCENERY. WELL, WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT. NOW, KEEP THE TEMPO UP! KEEP IT BRIGHT! THAT'S THE MOTHER. NO. I HAVE TOLD HER. HELLO, MR. GRANTZIGER! WHERE IS HE? HE'S IN HIS OFFICE. HI! IT'S A PLEASURE, MR. GRANTZIGER. YOU'LL LOVE US! THE AGENT-- HE'S NICE. WE'RE READY. OH. THEY'RE READY NOW, MR. GRANTZIGER. GOOD LUCK. THANK YOU. [BIRDS TWITTERING AND GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING] [HOEDOWN MUSIC PLAYING] " EXTRA! EXTRA! " " HEY, LOOK AT THE HEADLINE " " HISTORICAL NEWS IS BEING MADE " " EXTRA! EXTRA! " " THEY'RE DRAWING A RED LINE " " AROUND THE BIGGEST SCOOP OF THE DECADE " " A BARREL OF CHARM " " A FABULOUS THRILL " " THE BIGGEST LITTLE HEADLINE IN VAUDEVILLE " " PRESENTING " " IN PERSON " " THAT 5' 2" BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE " " DAINTY... " " JUNE "" [DRUM ROLL] HELLO, EVERYBODY! MY NAME IS JUNE! WHAT'S YOURS? [MUSIC PLAYING] " I HAVE A MOO COW " " A NEW COW, A TRUE COW " " NAMED CAROLINE " " MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO " " SHE'S AN EXTRA-SPECIAL " " FRIEND OF MINE " " MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO " " I LIKE EVERYTHING " " ABOUT HER FINE " " MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO " " SHE LIKES TO MOO IN THE MOONLIGHT " " WHEN THE MOODY MOON APPEARS " " AND WHEN SHE MOOS IN THE MOONLIGHT " " GOSH, IT'S MOOSIC TO MY EARS " " SHE'S SO MOOSICAL " " SHE LOVES A MAN COW, A TAN COW " " WHO CAN COW HER WITH A GLANCE " " MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO " " WHEN HE WINKS AT HER " " SHE STARTS TO DANCE " " MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO " " IT'S WHAT GROWN-UPS CALL A REAL ROMANCE " " MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO " " BUT IF WE MOOOVED TO THE CITY " " OR WE SETTLED BY THE SHORE " " SHE'D MAKE THE MOOOVE " " 'CAUSE SHE LOVES ME MORE "" [MUSIC ENDS] [TELEPHONE RINGS] YES, MR. GRANTZIGER. DAINTY JUNE, WILL YOU COME OUT FOR A MINUTE? FACE FRONT, DEAR. PROFILE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT'S ALL. WE HAVE A GREAT FINISH. I'M SURE, BUT MR. GRANTZIGER-- AH...HIT IT! [MUSIC PLAYING] STOP THAT! " BROADWAY " " BROADWAY " " WE MISS IT SO " " WE'RE LEAVING SOON AND TAKING JUNE " " TO STAR HER IN A SHOW " " BRIGHT LIGHTS " " WHITE LIGHTS " " RHYTHM AND ROMANCE " " THE TRAIN IS LATE, SO WHILE WE WAIT " " WE'RE GONNA DO A LITTLE DANCE " SMILE. YEAH! " BROADWAY " " BROADWAY " " HOW GREAT YOU ARE " " I'LL LEAVE THE FARM WITH ALL ITS CHARM " " TO BE A BROADWAY STAR " " BRIGHT LIGHTS " " WHITE LIGHTS " " WHERE THE NEONS GLOW " " MY BAG IS PACKED, I'VE GOT MY ACT " " SO ALL ABOARD, C'MON, LET'S GO " " LET'S GO "" " LET'S GO "" BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING] WATCH THIS! IT'S A TRAIN! WOO! WOO! GOOD-BYE, CAROLINE! DON'T FORGET TO WRITE! [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS] GOOD-BYE! GOOD-BYE, CAROLINE! GOOD-BYE! GOOD-BYE! WAIT! STOP THE TRAIN. STOP EVERYTHING! I CAN'T GO TO BROADWAY WITH YOU. WHY NOT, DAINTY JUNE? BECAUSE... EVERYTHING IN LIFE THAT REALLY MATTERS IS RIGHT HERE. WHAT CARE I FOR TINSEL... OR GLAMOUR... WHEN I HAVE FRIENDSHIP AND TRUE LOVE? I'M STAYING HERE WITH CAROLINE! YAY! YAY! [PLAYING THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER] [MUSIC ENDS] [TELEPHONE RINGS] [RING] YES, MR. GRANTZIGER. WHAT? HE LIKED IT. AAH HA HA HA! YES, SIR, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. IF YOU... AND YOUR TRIBE WILL FOLLOW ME TO THE OFFICE, I'LL MAKE OUT THE CONTRACTS. CONTRACTS! CONTRACTS! YOU WON'T BE SORRY, MR. GRANTZIGER! THIS IS GONNA MAKE YA! [RIN YES? NO. MR. GRANTZIGER'S BUSY. HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE STAGE. YOUR MOTHER AND AGENT ARE STILL READING OVER THE CONTRACT. THEY WON'T BE MUCH LONGER. SHE'S GOT TO EAT SOMETIME. SAY, WOMAN TO WOMAN, HOW OLD ARE YOU? 9. 9 WHAT? 9 GOING ON 10. HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN GOING ON? [TELEPHONE RINGING] MISS CRATCHITT, I THINK MR. GRANTZIGER MADE A MISTAKE IN THIS CONTRACT. SO DO I. HAPPY, GIRLS? YES, MAMMA. WE AUDITIONED FOR GRANTZIGER'S PALACE. THIS IS FOR GRANTZIGER'S VARIETY. THE VARIETY'S ON 14th STREET. HE'LL GIVE YOU A VISA TO GET THERE. [RING] I'D LIKE TO TALK TO GRANTZIGER. HE WENT TO THE STAGE. I'M GOING TO THE STAGE. YOU CAN'T DISTURB HIS AUDITIONS. THEN I'LL WAIT. IF I WERE YOU, I'D SIGN THAT CONTRACT. THERE'S ONLY ONE ITEM THE BOSS LIKES-- DAINTY LITTLE JUNE. HE THINKS SHE CAN BE AN ACTRESS. HE'S RIGHT. CAN BE. IF. IF WHAT? IF SHE GOES TO SCHOOL FOR A YEAR AND TAKES ACTING LESSONS. HE'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING, ON ONE CONDITION-- YOU STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY? I'M HER MOTHER. WHAT ABOUT THE ACT? ONE WEEK AT THE VARIETY. JUNE IS THE ACT! HOW ARE LOUISE AND I SUPPOSED TO LIVE? GET A JOB. I HAVE A JOB. MY DAUGHTERS ARE MY JOB, AND I GOT TWO OF THEM! IF JUNE-- JUNE IS MY BABY. I'M HER MOTHER! [RING] DON'T ANSWER THAT WHEN I'M YELLING! NOBODY KNOWS JUNE LIKE I DO! MR. GRANTZIGER CAN MAKE ME A STAR! YOU ARE A STAR, AND I MADE YOU ONE! SHE DON'T NEED LESSONS ANY MORE THAN SHE NEEDS MR. T.T. GRANTZIGER. THERE ISN'T A PERSON WHO DOESN'T NEED GRANTZIGER. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PERSON! ROSE! OH, THEY'RE SO SMART IN NEW YORK! NEW YORK'S THE CENTER-- NEW YORK IS THE CENTER OF NEW YORK! THERE'S A COUNTRY FULL OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT A MOTHER MEANS TO HER DAUGHTER! GRANTZIGER'S A HICK! ROSE! HE'S TRYING TO TAKE MY BABY! OVER MY DEAD BODY HE WILL! JUST A MINUTE. JUST WAIT ONE MINUTE! NO! MAMMA'S JUST TALKING BIG, JUNE. SHE WON'T REALLY-- YES, SHE WILL. MAYBE MR. GRANTZIGER WILL-- NO, HE WON'T. WELL, THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS. AREN'T YOU HAPPY MR. T.T. GRANTZIGER THINKS YOU CAN BE A STAR? YOU'RE FUNNY. WHY? WELL, YOU'RE NEVER JEALOUS. I DON'T HAVE ANY TALENT. I DON'T MIND, REALLY, EXCEPT MAMMA WOULD LIKE IT BETTER IF I DID. GUESS THAT'S WHAT SHE LIKES ABOUT ME. MAMMA'S NO FOOL. I'M NOT A STAR. OH, YOU ARE! I'M NOT! MR. GRANTZIGER CAN MAKE ME ONE. MAMMA CAN MAKE YOU A STAR, TOO. MAMMA MAKES HERSELF BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE MAKES UP, LIKE WITH THAT RHINESTONE FINALE DRESS THAT YOU SEWED. MAMMA WANTS PUBLICITY, SO SHE MAKES UP A STORY THAT THREE NUNS WENT BLIND SEWING IT. SHE EVEN BELIEVES THE ACT IS GOOD. ISN'T IT? IT'S A TERRIBLE ACT, AND I HATE IT. I'VE HATED IT FROM THE BEGINNING. I HATE PRETENDING LIKE I'M 2 YEARS OLD! I HATE SINGING THOSE AWFUL SONGS, DOING THOSE SAME AWFUL DANCES, WEARING THESE SAME AWFUL COSTUMES. WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT ABOUT THE COSTUMES. YOU JUST MEANT THAT YOU'RE TOO BIG FOR THEM NOW. DID YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU DIDN'T HAVE A SISTER? IT'S MAMMA'S FAULT! YOU CAN'T BLAME EVERYTHING ON MAMMA! WISH SHE'D MARRY HERBIE AND LET ME ALONE. HERBIE WON'T MARRY HER! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS THE ACT. OH, HONEST, LOUISE. HE'S AN AGENT. YOUR MOTHER ISN'T FEELING WELL. I'LL TAKE HER BACK TO THE HOTEL. DON'T WORRY, JUNE. I'LL GET YOU A GOOD BOOKING. I WISH MAMMA WOULD MARRY A PLAIN MAN, SO WE COULD ALL BE TOGETHER. " IF MAMMA WAS MARRIED, WE'D LIVE IN A HOUSE " " AS PRIVATE AS PRIVATE CAN BE " " JUST MAMMA, THREE DUCKS, FIVE CANARIES, A MOUSE " " TWO MONKEYS, ONE FATHER, SIX TURTLES, AND ME " " IF MAMMA WAS MARRIED " " IF MAMMA WAS MARRIED, I'D JUMP IN THE AIR " " AND GIVE ALL MY TOESHOES TO YOU " " I'D GET ALL THOSE HAIR RIBBONS OUT OF MY HAIR " " AND ONCE AND FOR ALL, I'D GET MAMMA OUT, TOO " " IF MAMMA WAS MARRIED " " MAMMA, GET OUT YOUR WHITE DRESS " " YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE " " WITHOUT MUCH SUCCESS " " MAMMA, GODSPEED AND GOD BLESS " " WE'RE NOT KEEPING SCORE, WHAT'S ONE MORE OR LESS? " " OH, MAMMA, SAY YES " " AND WALTZ DOWN THE AISLE WHILE YOU MAY " " I'LL GLADLY SUPPORT YOU " " I'LL EVEN ESCORT YOU " " AND I'LL GLADLY GIVE YOU AWAY " " OH, MAMMA, GET MARRIED TODAY " " IF MAMMA WAS MARRIED, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY MORE " " LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " " LET ME MAKE YOU SMILE " " I WILL DO SOME KICKS " " I WILL DO SOME TRICKS " SING OUT, LOUISE! SMILE, BABY! " MAMMA, PLEASE TAKE OUR ADVICE " " WE AREN'T THE LUNTS " " I'M NOT FANNY BRICE " " MAMMA, WE'LL BUY YOU THE RICE " " IF ONLY THIS ONCE " " YOU WOULDN'T THINK TWICE " " IT COULD BE SO NICE IF MAMMA GOT MARRIED TO STAY " " BUT MAMMA GETS MARRIED " " AND " " MARRIED " " AND " " MARRIED " " AND NEVER GETS CARRIED AWAY " " OH, MAMMA " " OH, MAMMA " " OH, MAMMA " " GET MARRIED TODAY "" " BA BA BA AH "" HA HA! THAT'S PRETTY FANCY FOOTWORK, TULSA. WHY DON'T YOU SHOW IT TO MADAME ROSE? I'M JUST FOOLING AROUND. YOU STARTED FOOLING AROUND ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO, AFTER GRANTZIGER CANCELED OUR BOOKING. WHY, TULSA? HE'S JUST HAD MORE TIME, THAT'S ALL, LIKE THAT LAYOFF IN ALBANY. AND ROCHESTER. AND NIAGARA FALLS. I THOUGHT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE ACT. OH, NO, HERBIE. THE WAY THINGS ARE PICKING UP, I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU KIDS GOT PAID. MATTER OF FACT, THEY'RE GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT NOW FOR ME TO TREAT YOU TO AN ICE-CREAM SODA. NO, THANK YOU. CHOW MEIN? MAMMA DOESN'T LIKE US EATING BEFORE A SHOW. LOUISE, THERE'S ONE THING YOUR MAMMA KNOWS I WISH YOU DID. I LIKE HER. HERBIE! UH... NOTHING. TULSA, IF YOU OR THE BOYS HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, YOU BRING THEM TO ME. SURE, HERBIE. YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING, DID YOU? THAT YOU'RE REHEARSING A DANCE-TEAM ACT? HOW'D YOU KNOW? I SAW YOU PRACTICING AFTER THE MATINEE WITH A BROOM. LOUISE, PLEASE, JUST-- I WON'T TELL ANYBODY. I PROMISE. I'M VERY SECRETIVE, LIKE YOU. THAT'S WHAT THIS MEANS, HERE IN YOUR PALM, AND THIS MEANS THAT YOU MAKE UP DREAMS, LIKE ME. WHAT DO YOU MAKE UP DREAMS ABOUT? PEOPLE. OH. I DO THAT, TOO. YOURS ARE ABOUT A PARTNER FOR YOUR ACT. SHE'LL BE MORE THAN A PARTNER, I HOPE. I MEAN, I DREAM THAT ONE DAY, WELL, YOU KNOW. WHAT WOULD SHE HAVE TO BE LIKE, TULSA? A WONDERFUL SINGER AND DANCER, I GUESS. NO. I'LL DO MOST OF THAT MYSELF. THEY ALWAYS LOOK AT THE GIRL IN A DANCE TEAM, ESPECIALLY IF SHE'S PRETTY. MAKE-UP CAN HELP, AND COSTUMES. I'VE GOT COSTUMES FIGURED OUT. I'LL SEW THEM. O.K.! HEY, THANKS! WELL, YOU SEE, I PRETEND I'M AT HOME GETTING READY FOR A DATE. I TAKE A COMB, COMB MY HAIR. TAKE A FLOWER, SMELL IT, PUT IT IN MY LAPEL, AND I SPOT THE AUDIENCE. " ONCE MY CLOTHES WERE SHABBY " " TAILORS CALLED ME "CABBY" " " SO I TOOK A VOW " " SAID THIS BUM'LL BE BEAU BRUMMELL " " NOW I'M SMOOTH AND SNAPPY " " NOW MY TAILOR'S HAPPY " " I'M THE CAT'S MEOW " " MY WARDROBE IS A WOW " " PARIS SILK " " HARRIS TWEED " " THERE'S ONLY ONE THING I NEED " " GOT MY TWEED PRESSED " " GOT MY BEST VEST " " ALL I NEED NOW IS THE GIRL " " GOT MY STRIPED TIE " " GOT MY HOPES HIGH " " GOT THE TIME AND THE PLACE, AND I GOT RHYTHM " " NOW ALL I NEED IS THE GIRL TO GO WITH THEM " " IF SHE'LL JUST APPEAR " " WE'LL TAKE THIS BIG TOWN FOR A WHIRL " " AND IF SHE'LL SAY, "MY DARLING, I'M YOURS" " " I'LL THROW AWAY MY STRIPED TIE AND MY BEST-PRESSED TWEED " " ALL I REALLY NEED IS THE GIRL " I START EASY, SEE? NOW I'M MORE DEBONAIR. BREAK! I SELL IT HERE. I START THIS STEP... BUILD IT. DOUBLE IT! AND SHE APPEARS, ALL IN WHITE. I TAKE HER HAND... KISS IT, AND LEAD HER ON THE FLOOR. THIS STEP'S GOOD FOR THE COSTUME. ASTAIRE BIT! " A DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA " " NOW WE WALTZ, STRINGS COME IN "" AND I LIFT HER. AGAIN. ONCE MORE! NOW THE TEMPO CHANGES, AND ALL THE LIGHTS COME UP, AND I BUILD FOR THE FINALE! HA HA HA! HEY, THAT'S IT, LOUISE! DO IT OVER HERE! FOLLOW ME! FASTER! CHARLESTON! AGAIN! ONCE MORE! GIVE ME YOUR HAND! HA HA HA! [WHISTLES] HEY, COME ON. DON'T LOWER YOURSELF TO ARGUE, HERBIE. IF THEM RATS WANT TO QUIT, LET THEM. GIVE THEM THEIR BUS TICKETS BACK. WHAT'S KEEPING THOSE GIRLS? THERE'S TIME. YOU SAY THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES! I KNOW WE'VE HAD LAYOFFS. IT AIN'T THAT. WE'RE TOO OLD. WOULD YOU BE TOO OLD IF WE INCREASED YOUR SALARY? INCREASE WHAT SALARY? HERBIE'S BEEN PAYING US. MORON! HERBIE! HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO GET USED TO ME? INGRATES! YOU TAKE THE BREAD OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND SPIT IT IN HIS FACE! THEY WERE ROTTEN ANYWAY. THANKS, HERBIE. WE'D LIKE TICKETS FOR ALL THE FELLAS. ALL THE FELLAS? YOU'RE ALL LEAVING? YES, SIR, HERBIE. SOMETHING'S FUNNY. SOMETHING'S VERY FUNNY HERE. WHY, YONKERS? WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT? O.K. IF YOU'RE ALL GOING, YOU'RE ALL GOING, BUT WH-- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE'S JUNE? LOUISE, WHERE'S JUNE? DON'T GIVE ME YOUR POEMS TO READ NOW. JUNE WROTE THIS, TO YOU. WHAT FOR? WHAT'S SHE WRITING ME FOR? MAMMA, READ IT! SHE ELOPED. [YONKERS] SHE DIDN'T ELOPE. THEY GOT MARRIED THREE WEEKS AGO. WHO GOT MARRIED? JUNE AND TULSA. THEY WAITED UNTIL THEIR ACT WAS READY TO LEAVE. IT'S A KEEN ACT, AIN'T IT LOUISE? [LOUISE] I'VE NEVER SEEN IT. [YONKERS] WE KNOW THAT WITHOUT JUNE-- WHERE'D THEY GO? THEY BOOKED A CLUB IN KANSAS. CAN WE HAVE THE TICKETS? WE GOT TO GET MOVING. WE FIXED UP AN ACT-- HERE! GET MOVING. DON'T BE SORE, HERBIE. IT AIN'T OUR FAULT THE ACT'S ALL WASHED UP. HEY, FELLAS, GOOD LUCK. THANKS, HERBIE. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. GOOD LUCK, LOUISE. GOOD LUCK. GOOD LUCK, MADAME ROSE. COME ON, L.A. ROSE, HONEY, EVEN IF WE-- HONEY, LISTEN, I CAN GO BACK IN THE CANDY BUSINESS. IT'S STEADY. 52 WEEKS-- ALL YEAR, EVERY YEAR. I'LL WORK MY FINGERS TO THE BONE. I COULD BE A DISTRICT MANAGER, AND WE CAN STAY PUT. LOUISE CAN GO TO SCHOOL. ROSE, HONEY, YOU STILL GOT HERBIE. MARRY ME, AND YOU WON'T HAVE ONE SINGLE WORRY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. DON'T YOU WANT THAT? YES. OH, MAMMA, SAY YES. HERBIE. YOU READ PALMS. I READ MINDS. O.K., HONEY, HONEY, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST. O.K., SO THE ACT'S FINISHED, BUT YOU, ME, AND OUR DAUGHTER, WE'LL HAVE A HOME. WE'VE EVEN GOT A COW FOR THE BACK YARD. WE'LL BE THE BEST DAMN FAMILY EVER WAS. I'M USED TO PEOPLE WALKING OUT. WHEN MY OWN MOTHER DID IT, I CRIED FOR A WEEK. YOUR FATHER DID IT. THEN THE MAN I MARRIED AFTER HIM DID IT. WELL, THIS TIME, I AIN'T CRYING. THIS TIME, I'M APOLOGIZING. TO YOU. I PUSHED YOU ASIDE FOR HER. I MADE EVERYTHING JUST FOR HER. NO, MAMMA. SHE SAYS I CAN'T MAKE HER AN ACTRESS. THE BOYS WALKED BECAUSE THEY THINK THE ACT IS FINISHED. THEY THINK WE'RE NOTHING WITHOUT HER. SHE'S NOTHING WITHOUT ME! I'M HER MOTHER, AND I MADE HER! I CAN MAKE YOU. I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU FOR PUSHING YOU IN THE BACK! I'M GOING TO BUILD A WHOLE NEW ACT ALL AROUND YOU! IT WILL BE BETTER THAN ANYTHING WE EVER DID BEFORE! ROSE, LISTEN! YOU'RE RIGHT, HERBIE. IT IS FOR THE BEST! THE OLD ACT WAS STALE. LOOK AT THE NEW STAR! SHE'LL BE BEAUTIFUL. FINISHED? WE'RE JUST BEGINNING, AND THERE'S NO STOPPING US THIS TIME! " I HAD A DREAM " " A DREAM ABOUT YOU, BABY " " IT'S GONNA COME TRUE, BABY " " THEY THINK THAT WE'RE THROUGH, BUT, BABY " " YOU'LL BE SWELL " " YOU'LL BE GREAT " " GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD ON A PLATE " " STARTING HERE, STARTING NOW " " HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES " " CLEAR THE DECKS, CLEAR THE TRACKS " " YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO BUT RELAX " " BLOW A KISS, TAKE A BOW " " HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES " " NOW'S YOUR INNING " " STAND THE WORLD ON ITS EAR " " SET IT SPINNING " " THAT'LL BE JUST THE BEGINNING " " CURTAIN UP " " LIGHT THE LIGHTS " " YOU GOT NOTHIN' TO HIT BUT THE HEIGHTS " " YOU'LL BE SWELL " " YOU'LL BE GREAT " " I CAN TELL " " JUST YOU WAIT " " THAT LUCKY STAR I TALK ABOUT IS DUE " " HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES " " FOR ME AND FOR YOU " " YOU CAN DO IT " " ALL YOU NEED IS A HAND " " WE CAN DO IT " " MAMMA IS GONNA SEE TO IT " " CURTAIN UP " " LIGHT THE LIGHTS " " WE GOT NOTHIN' TO HIT BUT THE HEIGHTS " " I CAN TELL " " WAIT AND SEE " " THERE'S THE BELL " " FOLLOW ME " " AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US TILL WE'RE THROUGH " " HONEY, EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES AND DAFFODILS " " EVERYTHING'S COMING UP SUNSHINE AND SANTA CLAUS " " EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE BRIGHT LIGHTS AND LOLLIPOPS " " EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES " " FOR ME AND FOR YOU "" ARE YOU READY, LOUISE? YES, MAMMA. READY, GIRLS? YES, MADAME ROSE. DON'T LET THE PAST DISCOURAGE YOU. REMEMBER, YOU ARE ARTISTES OF THE THEATER. " BA BA BA BA BA BA "" MADAME ROSE'S TOREADORABLES! [CLAPPING] " EXTRA! EXTRA! " " HEY, LOOK AT THE HEADLINE " " HISTORICAL NEWS IS BEING MADE " " EXTRA! EXTRA! " " THEY'RE DRAWING A RED LINE " " AROUND THE BIGGEST SCOOP OF THE DECADE " " A BARREL OF CHARM " " A FABULOUS THRILL " " THE BIGGEST LITTLE HEADLINE IN VAUDEVILLE " NOW SELL IT! PRESENTING... IN PERSON... THAT 5'4" BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE... SENORITA... LOUISE! COME ON, LOUISE. COME ON! OLE, EVERYBODY! MY NAME IS LOUISE. WHAT'S YOURS? WELL, IT'S COMING ALONG. MAMMA, I'M JUST NO GOOD AT IT. LET'S TRY THE FINALE. WITH A STRONG FINISH, THEY'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR ANYTHING. YOU'RE LATE! COME ON NOW, GIRLS. MAKE IT STIRRING! PICK YOUR FEET UP, LOUISE. PICK THEM UP! THEY'RE TIRED. YOU BETTER GO UP TO THE TENT, GIRLS, AND GET READY FOR BED. GOOD NIGHT, MADAME ROSE. GOOD NIGHT, LOUISE. DON'T FORGET TO WRITE YOUR MOTHERS... FOR MONEY! HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT IN TOWN? NOT EVEN A LODGE HALL. THEY'RE DAMN UN-AMERICAN DOWN HERE. WE BETTER TALK ABOUT HEADING NORTH AFTER THEIR BEDTIME STORY. ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A PRINCE NAMED ZIEGFELD. IT COULD HAPPEN. EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMETHING IMPOSSIBLE TO HOPE FOR. WHY DO YOU MAKE LOUISE WEAR THAT WIG IN THE ACT? IT MAKES HER LOOK MORE LIKE A STAR. WHY DO WE KEEP THAT COW? THAT COW GOES, I GO! IF I WAS DOING THE ACT FOR JUNE, IT WOULD BE ALL SET. BUT YOU'RE NOT... AND I'M NOT JUNE. NOBODY EXPECTS YOU TO-- MAMMA, I'VE TRIED HARD, BUT THE ACT IS ROTTEN. TYPICAL OF A KID, ALWAYS IMPATIENT. A FEW BREAK-IN DATES DON'T GO SO HOT-- I'M NOT JUNE, AND I'M NOT A BLONDE! I CAN'T BE HER. SHE ISN'T ASKING THAT. MAYBE YOU WANT TO STAY IN SHOW BUSINESS-- MAYBE? THAT'S OUR WHOLE LIFE. WHAT HAVE WE BEEN WORKING FOR? THAT'S A FOOLISH REMARK FROM A FOOLISH GIRL. I PROMISED MY GIRL SHE'D BE A STAR, AND SHE WILL BE. AS THE GOOD LORD SAYS, "TAKE THE ROUGH WITH THE SMOOTH." YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT ALONE, RIGHT, HERBIE? RIGHT. WE GOT HERBIE FOR BRAINS, WE GOT YOU FOR TALENT, AND YOU BOTH GOT ME TO YELL AT. " WHEREVER WE GO " " WHATEVER WE DO " " WE'RE GONNA GO THROUGH IT TOGETHER " " WE MAY NOT GO FAR " " BUT SURE AS A STAR " " WHEREVER WE ARE, IT'S TOGETHER " " WHEREVER I GO, I KNOW HE GOES " " WHEREVER I GO, I KNOW SHE GOES " " NO FITS, NO FIGHTS, NO FEUDS, AND NO EGOS " " AMIGOS " " TOGETHER " " THROUGH THICK AND THROUGH THIN " " ALL OUT OR ALL IN " " AND WHETHER IT'S WIN, PLACE, OR SHOW " " WITH YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR YOU " " WE'LL MUDDLE THROUGH WHATEVER WE DO " " TOGETHER, WHEREVER WE GO " " WHEREVER WE GO " " WHATEVER WE DO " " WE'RE GONNA GO THROUGH IT TOGETHER " " WHEREVER WE SLEEP " " IF PRICES ARE STEEP " " WE'LL ALWAYS SLEEP CHEAPER TOGETHER " " WHATEVER THE BOAT I ROW, YOU ROW " " A DUO " " WHATEVER THE ROW I HOE, YOU HOE " " A TRIO " " AND ANY I.O.U. I OWE, YOU OWE " " WHO, ME? OH, NO, YOU OWE " " NO, WE OWE " " TOGETHER " " WE ALL TAKE THE BOW " " INCLUDING THE COW " " THOUGH BUSINESS IS LOUSY AND SLOW " " WITH HERBIE'S VIM, LOUISE'S VERVE " " NOW ALL WE NEED IS SOMEONE WITH NERVE " " TOGETHER " " TOGETHER " " TOGETHER " " WHEREVER " " WHEREVER " " WHEREVER " " TOGETHER " " WHEREVER " " TOGETHER WHEREVER WE GO " HERE ARE THE LETTERS, MADAME ROSE. THAT'S A GOOD GIRL. GO TO BED, AGNES. NOW THAT I'M AN ACTRESS, IT'S AMANDA. WHATEVER IT IS, GO TO BED. CAN I ASK HERBIE A QUESTION? SURE. DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER WORK AGAIN? [ROSE] OF COURSE! I'LL GET US A BOOKING. THANK YOU, HERBERT. LOUISE, YOUR HAIR. [LOUISE] IT'S YOURS, IF YOU WANT IT. GEE, I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BLONDE. THEN GET SOME PEROXIDE AND A TOOTHBRUSH. WIGS ARE EXPENSIVE. WE COULD GET A GOOD REFUND ON THIS, IF WE EVER PAY FOR IT. HOW ABOUT GETTING A GALLON OF PEROXIDE? MAKE THEM ALL BLONDES! I WAS ONLY JOKING. SO WAS I. BUT WHY NOT DO IT? THEY'RE CHILDREN, LOUISE. THEY'RE YOUNG GIRLS. THEY COULD BE PRETTY YOUNG GIRLS. IT'D SURE JAZZ UP THE ACT. WE COULD CALL IT MADAME ROSE AND HER BLONDE BABIES. NOTHING WITH BABIES. HOLLYWOOD BLONDES. ALL BLONDES EXCEPT YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE STAR. IF I'M THE STAR, THEN IT SHOULD BE "LOUISE... AND HER HOLLYWOOD BLONDES." "ROSE-LOUISE... AND HER HOLLYWOOD BLONDES." O.K. " WE GO IN A GROUP " " WE TOUR IN A TROUPE " " WE LAND IN THE SOUP BUT WE KNOW " " THE THINGS WE DO, WE DO BY THREES " " A PERFECT TEAM " THIS WAY, LOUISE. " TOGETHER " " TOGETHER " " WHEREVER " " WHEREVER " " WHEREVER " " TOGETHER WHEREVER WE GO "" HA HA HA! [BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING] IT'S A REAL LIVE THEATER! WITH A REAL LIVE STAGE! MARJORIE MAY, WE'VE ARRIVED AT LAST. OH! OH! LOUISE, LOOK! A REAL LIVE THEATER! [MAN] KILL THAT FLOOD! IT'S JUST LIKE OPENING DAY REHEARSALS USED TO BE. MAMMA WILL LOVE IT! WILL YOU KILL THAT FLOOD? [MAN] SHUT YOUR HOLE! SHE WON'T LOVE THAT. OR THAT. WHAT KIND OF AN ACT IS THAT? O.K., JAILBAIT. YOU THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDES? YOU'RE LATE! OUR CAR-- SKIP IT. SOME OF YOU USE THIS ROOM. YOU SHARE WITH TESSIE TURA-- MY MOTHER DOESN'T-- THAT ONE WITH MAZEPPA, REVOLUTION IN DANCE. SHAKE IT UP! OH, SO, YOU'RE THE ACT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP THE COPS OUT? HEH HEH HEH! YOU MUST BE LOUSY. IT'S A REAL LIVE THEATER, ALL RIGHT. HE REMINDS ME OF MY BROTHER. AMANDA, DON'T START SNIVELING. GRAB THE COW AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN CARRY, AND GO IN THERE. MARJORIE MAY, TAKE THE OTHER GIRLS INTO THE SECOND ROOM. [MAN] COME ON! LET'S WRAP THIS REHEARSAL! OOH! LOOK AT THIS! THAT TESSIE TURA MUST BE A VERY FANCY LADY. SHE MUST ALSO BE A PIG. LOUISE! HERE. LET ME HELP YOU. LOUISE, WE'RE BACK IN A THEATER. MAMMA, WHERE'S HERBIE? HE WENT TO CHECK THE BILLING. GOOD MORNING. HEH HEH HEH! OH, NO, NO, NO! IT AIN'T WEIGHTED RIGHT, DAMN IT! IT SCRATCHES ME, AND IT DON'T BUMP WHEN I DO. MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR BUMPER. BIG JOKE! I'M BUMPING MY BRAINS OFF WITH NO ACTION, AND SHE'S BEING WITTY. HEY, YOU WITH THE NECK. I PAID SIX BUCKS FOR THAT G-STRING. BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT. YES, MA'AM. GET THE BAGS. GET THE PROPS, GET THE COW. NOW, MAMMA-- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE THESE ARE OR WHAT KIND OF THEATER THIS IS. A HOUSE OF BURLESQUE. IT'S FILTH! I'M SURE HERBIE DIDN'T KNOW. NOT MUCH, HE DIDN'T! HE BOOKED US OVER THE TELEPHONE. AGNES! YOU KNOW MY NAME ISN'T AGNES. AGNES, I WANT YOU AND THE GIRLS OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE IN TWO SECONDS! MARCH! YES, MA'AM. WAIT IN THERE. I'LL TAKE THE FRONT END OF THE COW, YOU TAKE THE REAR. WHAT BAGS WE CAN'T CARRY, HERBIE CAN CARRY FOR HIMSELF. LISTEN TO ME, LOUISE. YOU THINK HERBIE CAN DO NO WRONG-- THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HERBIE. NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS EVER WORKING IN BURLESQUE. WHERE ARE WE GOING TO WORK? I'D RATHER STARVE. MAMMA, HOW MUCH MONEY DO WE HAVE? INCLUDING THEIR ALLOWANCES, HOW MUCH DO WE HAVE? SOMETHING WILL TURN UP. THIS IS IT. MAMMA, WE'RE FLAT BROKE. EVEN IF YOU WANTED TO QUIT AND GO HOME, WE'D HAVE TO TAKE THIS JOB. I HAD A DREAM. MAMMA... OH, YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE. I HAD IT OVER A WEEK AGO, ONLY I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL. I WAS HOME IN SEATTLE, AND THE COW CAME INTO MY ROOM. SHE WAS WHEEZING AND SADLIKE. SHE CAME RIGHT OVER TO MY BED, LOOKED AT ME, AND SAID, "ROSE, MOVE OVER." I'M SORRY, MAMMA. WHY? SHE DIDN'T ASK YOU TO MOVE OVER. I'M SORRY I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH... IN THE ACT. IT'S THE ACT THAT AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH, BABY. [HERBIE] ROSE? IN HERE, HERBIE. ROSE, I DIDN'T KNOW, BELIEVE ME. I DO, HONEY. HA HA! WHAT THE HELL! IT'S ONLY TWO WEEKS. MAYBE BY THAT TIME, SOMETHING WILL TURN UP. RIGHT. THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS! I BET WE GOT TOP BILLING. NO. IN THE MIDDLE. I THOUGHT LAST WAS BETTER. "AND ROSE-LOUISE AND HER HOLLYWOOD BLONDES." THEY'RE PUTTING A BOX AROUND IT. THEY'LL USE A LOT OF PICTURES. FORGET THE BOX AND THE PICTURES. HERBIE KNOWS WHAT THEY SAY IN THE BUSINESS. ONCE A VAUDEVILLE ACT PLAYS IN BURLESQUE, THAT MEANS IT'S ALL WASHED UP. NOTHING'S GOING TO TURN UP, IS IT? NO. IT IS A PRETTY ROTTEN ACT. IT AIN'T THE ACT, HONEY. VAUDEVILLE'S DEAD, STONE-COLD DEAD. WELL, WE SURE AS HELL TRIED. NOBODY CAN SAY WE DIDN'T LAST UP TO THE END. WELL, I BETTER GET THE CUES READY. HERBIE... HOW ABOUT MARRYING ME? SURE. I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW. I KNOW. DO IT TODAY! NOT WHILE WE'RE IN BURLESQUE. THE DAY WE CLOSE. IT'S A DEAL. OH, HERBIE, I DO, HONEY. I DO. SO DO I, ROSE. WHERE'S YOUR MUSIC AND LIGHT CUES? BE RIGHT WITH YOU. YOU ROSE-LOUISE? YEAH. I GOT A SHOW OPENING, SO MOVE YOUR ASS. FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, YOU SPEAK LIKE A SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER. YOU GOT SOMETHING NEW-- A LADY! EVERY GIRL IN THIS DAMN ACT IS A LADY. I'LL GIVE YOU THOSE CUES. YES, SIR. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. OH, SIR. WON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR PROTECTION? I'M A LADY, TOO. [BELL TINKLES] HEY, THE DAMN THING WORKED! WELL, IF YOU LADIES WILL EXCUSE ME... WE'RE VERY BUSY. IN MY DRESSING ROOM. IN YOUR DRESS-- DAMN RIGHT, IT IS. I DON'T LIKE SHARING ANY MORE THAN YOU, PARTICULARLY WITH A TROUPE OF PROFESSIONAL VIRGINS. WE ARE NOT-- ALL RIGHT. SO YOU'RE ACROBATS. WE HAPPEN TO BE HEADLINERS FROM THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT. WE WERE BOOKED BY MISTAKE. WEREN'T WE ALL? SAY, WHO MADE THAT? I DID. I MAKE ALL OUR COSTUMES. WILL YOU LOOK AT THEM LADYLIKE LITTLE STITCHES? THAT BROAD MAKING MY GOWNS MUST BE USING A FISHHOOK. WHAT DO YOU PAY HER? 25 BUCKS A GOWN. 30. BUT SHE'S NEW. WHO ARE YOU, HER MOTHER? YES. 30. I'LL GET THE MATERIAL AFTER THE MATINEE. IT'S A DEAL. WHERE'S YOUR TOREADOR COSTUME? THE GIRLS MUST HAVE IT IN THE DRESSING ROOM. GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY'VE GOT. YOU KNOW, FROM THE WAY THAT DAME WALKS, SHE WOULD HAVE MADE A DAMN GOOD STRIPPER. TESSIE, I'M SHORT A TALKING WOMAN. TOUGH TITTY. THE NEW COMIC WON'T USE A CHORUS GIRL. LET HIM USE MAZEPPA. EVERYONE ELSE HAS. YOU KNOW MAZEPPA'S GOT A GLADIATOR BALLET JUST BEFORE HIS SPOT. CUT THE BALLET. IT STINKS ANYWAY. I'M IN A BIND. YOU'RE ALWAYS IN A BIND. I'M A STRIP WOMAN. I DON'T DO NO SCENES. NOW SCREW! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A FIRST-CLASS STRIP WOMAN PLAYING SCENES? YOU PLAY HERE, YOU GOT TO EXPECT TO BE INSULTED. THE WORK'S STEADY, AIN'T IT? YOU GET A NEW STAR FOR EACH SHOW. COME ON. FAT BOY, SAVE YOUR BAD BREATH. I'LL GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS. NAH. I CAN READ LINES. WHO ARE YOU? ROSE-LOUISE OF ROSE-LOUISE AND HER HOLLYWOOD BLONDES. WAIT. WHAT KIND OF LINES? YOU WITH HER? NOT EXACTLY. SHUT UP. HOW ARE YOUR LEGS? GREAT. I'LL HELP HER. O.K. 10 BUCKS. IT'S MONEY, MAMMA. WHAT'S SHE GOING TO BE SAYING OUT THERE? THE SAME BURLESQUE CRAP AS ALWAYS. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? PLAYING VAUDEVILLE. WHERE? IN THE VATICAN? ANY BIG CITY YOU CAN NAME. MY GRANDFATHER SAYS WE'VE COVERED THE COUNTRY LIKE GYPSIES. YOU MAY BE A GYPSY, ROSE-LOUISE. THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR STRIPPING. SHE WON'T. NO, BUT YOU LET HER FEED LINES FOR 10 BUCKS. THAT'S TRAINING. SHE'S GOING TO BE AN ACTRESS. THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY. AFTER THIS, SHE GOES RIGHT BACK TO VAUDEVILLE. BACK TO VAUDEVILLE, MY EYE. THERE AIN'T ANY VAUDEVILLE LEFT EXCEPT BURLESQUE. WE KNOW. YOU KNOW? YOU BETTER WISE HER UP. SHE'S WISE. SHE'S A DAMN SIGHT WISER THAN ANY OF YOU. LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER. O.K. IT'S O.K., BABY. SAY, WHOSE FEELINGS DID I HURT? YOURS OR HERS? NEITHER. WE'LL BOTH BE FINE. THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE SHARING A DRESSING ROOM IS LIKE SLEEPING TOGETHER-- [MAZEPPA] MISS TURA! MISS TURA! I WILL THANK YOU NOT TO GIVE THE BOSS ANY NOTION THAT I WOULD EVER PLAY SCENES. ONE MORE DISPARAGING REMARK ABOUT MY BALLET WILL FIND THIS BUGLE RIGHT UP YOUR-- PLEASE! THERE IS A LADY PRESENT. WHERE? OPEN YOUR EYES INSTEAD OF YOUR MOUTH. GYPSY, MEET MISS MAZEPPA AND MISS ELECTRA. SAY, YOU'RE EVEN YOUNGER THAN I WAS WHEN I BEGAN STRIPPING. OH, I'M NOT GOING TO STRIP. SOMETHING WRONG WITH STRIPPING? NO. I JUST MEANT THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY TALENT. YOU THINK THEY HAVE? I MYSELF, OF COURSE, WAS A BALLERINA, BUT TAKE IT FROM ME, TO BE A STRIPPER, ALL YOU NEED IS NO TALENT. YOU'LL PARDON ME, BUT TO HAVE NO TALENT IS NOT ENOUGH. WHAT YOU NEED TO HAVE IS AN IDEA THAT MAKES YOUR STRIP SPECIAL. [MUSIC PLAYING] " YOU CAN PULL ALL THE STOPS OUT " " TILL THEY CALL THE COPS OUT " " GRIND YOUR BEHIND TILL YOU'RE BANNED " " BUT YOU GOT TO GET A GIMMICK IF YOU WANT TO GET A HAND " " YOU CAN SACRIFICE YOUR SACRO " " WORKING IN A BACK ROW " " BUMP IN A DUMP TILL YOU'RE DEAD " " KID, YOU GOT TO GET A GIMMICK IF YOU WANT TO GET AHEAD " " YOU CAN UH " " YOU CAN UH " " YOU CAN UH UH UH " " THAT'S HOW BURLESQUE WAS BORN " " SO I UH " " AND I UH " " AND I UH UH UH " " BUT I DO IT WITH A HORN " [PLAYING REVEILLE] " ONCE I WAS A SCHLEPPER, NOW I'M MISS MAZEPPA " " WITH MY REVOLUTION IN DANCE " " YOU GOT TO HAVE A GIMMICK IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A CHANCE " " SHE CAN UH " " SHE CAN UH " " SHE CAN UH UH UH " " THEY'LL NEVER MAKE HER RICH " " ME, I UH " " AND I UH " " AND I UH UH UH " " BUT I DO IT WITH A SWITCH " " I'M ELECTRIFYIN', AND I AIN'T EVEN TRYIN' " " I NEVER HAVE TO SWEAT TO GET PAID " " 'CAUSE IF YOU GOT A GIMMICK " " GYPSY, GIRL, YOU'VE GOT IT MADE " " ALL THEM UH " " AND THEM UH " " AND THEM UH UH UH " " AIN'T GONNA SPELL SUCCESS " " ME, I UH " " AND I UH " " AND I UH UH UH " " BUT I DO IT WITH FINESSE " [BALLET MUSIC PLAYING] " DRESSY TESSIE TURA IS SO MUCH MORE DEMURER " " THAN ALL THEM OTHER LADIES BECAUSE " " YOU GOT TO GET A GIMMICK IF YOU WANT TO GET APPLAUSE " " DO SOMETHING SPECIAL, ANYTHING THAT'S FRESH'LL " " EARN YOU A BIG FAT CIGAR " " YOU'RE MORE THAN JUST A MIMIC " " WHEN YOU GOT A GIMMICK " " TAKE A LOOK HOW DIFFERENT WE ARE " " IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT, TWINKLE WHILE YOU SHAKE IT " " IF YOU WANT TO GRIND IT, WAIT TILL YOU'VE REFINED IT " " IF YOU WANT TO BUMP IT, BUMP IT WITH A TRUMPET " " GET YOURSELF A GIMMICK AND YOU, TOO " " CAN BE A STAR "" BRING IN NUMBER FOUR. I TOLD YOU NO NUMBER FOUR. HEY, YOU SEEN AMANDA? SHE MUST BE PACKING. AIN'T YOUR ACT THROUGH? YOU BET-- THROUGH, FINISHED, OVER. HEY, I'VE BEEN HUNTING FOR YOU. HERE. OH, HERBIE. IT'S LIKE FOR A FUNERAL. IT'S FOR THE WEDDING. WE WANT YOU TO BE BRIDESMAID, AMANDA. NO. IT'S AGNES AGAIN. YOU'LL BE HAPPIER AS AGNES, AMANDA. OH, YOU'RE LEAVING? YEAH. I HAVE TO GO HOME AND LET MY HAIR GROW OUT. OH, YOU POOR KID. [PASTEY] COME ON, TESSIE. SHAKE IT UP. WELL, FOR THE LAST TIME... " MEET YOU ON THE CORNER " " IN A HALF HOUR "" HA HA HA! [CRYING] OHH. TESSIE! I'M COMING, YOU CREEP. AND NOW, MISS TESSIE TURA! [WHISTLING] [APPLAUSE] WHY AREN'T YOU NERVOUS? I'VE NEVER BEEN SO NERVOUS IN MY WHOLE LIFE. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED BEFORE. SHE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED LIKE THIS-- FOR KEEPS AND FOREVER. AIN'T YOU NERVOUS? SURE. WHY DO I STAY IN THIS BUSINESS? IT'S ALWAYS A HEADACHE. SHH. THEY CAN HEAR YOU. IT'S MY THEATER, RIGHT? [CIGAR] LAST SHOW, NO TALKING WOMAN. IF THAT CRAZY BROAD WASN'T HERE, WHY DID YOU START? [PASTEY] SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO THE DRUG STORE. WHAT WAS SHE ARRESTED FOR? SHOPLIFTING? NO, SOLICITING. SHE ALWAYS WAS GREEDY. CUT THE SPOT. SHOULD WE INVITE THE MINISTER OUT AFTER? IT'S THE STAR STRIP. CUT IT. THEY'LL YELL MURDER. THE STAR'S THE NOVELTY. WHAT SHOULD I DO? LET YOU STRIP? MY DAUGHTER CAN DO IT. ROSE-LOUISE. SINCE WHEN? EVER SINCE SHE'S SEEN IT DONE. SHE DIDN'T LOOK BAD EARLIER. SHE'LL LOOK GREAT. WHAT'S THE GIMMICK? SHE'S YOUNG. YOU GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS? SHE BETTER GET READY DAMN QUICK. IT'S THE STAR SPOT. YOU TELLING ME-- WITH THE STAR SALARY. IF WE KEEP HER. YOU WILL. SHE'S GOING TO BE WONDERFUL. I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD TURN UP. WHERE'S THAT DRESS? IT WILL WORK PERFECT FOR YOU. COME ON. GET YOUR MAKE-UP ON. OH, SILLY, YOU AIN'T REALLY GONNA STRIP. JUST WALK AROUND IN TIME TO THE MUSIC. DROP A SHOULDER STRAP. YOU'RE A LADY LIKE HERBIE SAYS YOU ARE. THEY'LL THINK IT'S A FAVOR EVEN IF YOU SHOW THEM YOUR KNEE. LOUISE, IT'S THE STAR SPOT. I ALWAYS KNEW WE'D BE A STAR. BABY, IT'S ALL RIGHT TO WALK OUT WHEN THEY WANT YOU, BUT YOU CAN'T WALK OUT NOW WHEN AFTER ALL THIS, WE'RE STILL A FLOP. THAT'S QUITTING. WE CAN'T QUIT BECAUSE WE'RE A FLOP. LOUISE, DON'T BE LIKE JUNE. JUST DO THIS SO WE CAN WALK AWAY PROUD BECAUSE WE MADE IT. MAYBE ONLY IN BURLESQUE, MAYBE ONLY A SECOND-RATE BURLESQUE AT THAT-- BUT LET'S WALK AWAY... A STAR. THERE AIN'T ENOUGH TIME TO FINISH THE DRESS, BUT IT WILL DO. HERE'S SOME MATERIAL. DIDN'T I TELL YOU YOU WERE BORN LUCKY? YOU CAN DROP THEM SO THEY THINK YOU'RE TAKING SOMETHING OFF. NOT TOO MUCH MAKE-UP-- YOUNG AND GIRLISH, PURE. DON'T SMEAR THAT JUNK ALL OVER LIKE THEY DO. KEEP YOUR MOUTH THE SAME. NO ROUGE, NO BEAUTY MARKS. YOU BE A LADY-- GRAND...ELEGANT... WITH A CLASSY, LADYLIKE WALK. SHOES! OH, MY GOD--SHOES. OH, WELL... YOU COULD WEAR THESE-- THESE OLD SILVER ONES I BORROWED FROM TESSIE. THEY'LL DO FOR THIS PERFORMANCE. COME ON. GET INTO THEM. OH, NO! YOUR HAIR'S WRONG. YOU CAN'T LET IT HANG THERE LIKE SPAGHETTI. PUT IT UP. IT'S GOT TO HAVE CLASS. THANK GOD THE LORD GAVE US GOOD COLOR AND YOU WASHED IT TODAY. MAYBE WE NEED A COUPLE OF FEATHERS, HUH? NO. THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL DO. JEWELRY, JEWELRY... NO. LET TESSIE AND THE OTHERS WEAR VULGAR JUNK. SHE GOES ON IN FIVE MINUTES. SHE'LL BE THERE. SHE'LL BE THERE! COME ON. GET INTO THE DRESS. WHAT ARE THESE? OH, MY WEDDING PRESENT FROM TESSIE. GOOD FOR A LADY. YEAH, WEAR THEM. LET'S SEE. WHAT ELSE? MUSIC! HMM. SPANISH... COW...MILITARY...NO. SAY! SAY, YOU CAN DO JUNE'S LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU NUMBER. I'LL TELL THE CONDUCTOR TO REPEAT 2 1/2 CHORUSES SLOW. JUST WALK AND DIP. MY GIRL'S A LADY. MAKE THEM BEG FOR MORE. THEN DENY THEM. LET'S SEE. ANYTHING ELSE? WHERE YOU BEEN? OUT FRONT? NO, I GOT SICK AND THREW UP. BUT YOU FEEL BETTER NOW. NO. HERBIE, I HAD TO. THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING. I APOLOGIZE. NO, LET ME, FOR MY RESEMBLANCE TO A MOUSE... NO, A WORM THE WAY I'VE CRAWLED AFTER YOU. NO MORE. I WON'T. I WAS EVEN GOING TO CRAWL AWAY RATHER THAN TELL YOU WE'RE FINISHED. TELL ME AFTER WE'RE MARRIED. WE'RE NEVER GETTING MARRIED. SURE, WE ARE. FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. NEVER! NOT IF YOU BEGGED! I STILL LOVE YOU, BUT THEY COULDN'T MAKE YOU A WIFE. I'LL BE A MAN IF IT KILLS ME. YOU'RE KILLING ME. NOBODY CAN KILL YOU. YOU'RE JEALOUS, JUST LIKE EVERY MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN... JEALOUS BECAUSE MY GIRLS COME FIRST. THEY ALWAYS DID. THEY ALWAYS WILL. WHY DID JUNE LEAVE? BE QUIET. SHE DIDN'T WANT THE ACT ANY MORE THAN LOUISE. LOUISE DOES. SHE'LL LEAVE LIKE JUNE DID. NEVER. SHE'LL BE A STAR. SHE'LL BE A STAR IF IT KILLS YOU AND HER! SHE'LL BE A STAR SOMEPLACE. WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE GETS MARRIED? SHE WON'T MARRY FOR YEARS. SHE'S A BABY. SURE. HER CAREER WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT IS RIGHT. HERBIE... WHY DOES EVERYBODY WALK OUT? MAYBE LOUISE WON'T. DON'T LEAVE, HERBIE. I NEED YOU. WHAT FOR? A MILLION THINGS. JUST ONE WOULD BE BETTER. GOOD-BYE, HONEY. BE A GOOD GIRL. YOU GO TO HELL. GET HER MUSIC TO THE CONDUCTOR. I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. " LUCKY " " YOU'RE A MAN WHO LIKES CHILDREN " " THAT'S AN IMPORTANT SIGN " " LUCKY " " I'M A WOMAN " " FUNNY " " SMALL AND FUNNY "" I'LL TAKE THIS TO THE...CONDUCTOR. JUST REMEMBER YOU'RE A LADY... AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE A STAR. MAMMA...I'M PRETTY. I'M A PRETTY GIRL, MAMMA. [CHEERING] LOOK. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. GOOD LUCK, HONEY. ARE YOU NERVOUS? WHAT? ARE YOU NERVOUS, BABY? NO, MOTHER. WICHITA'S ONE AND ONLY BURLESQUE THEATER PRESENTS... MAMMA! MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE! LOUISE. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] LET'S GO, HONEY! TAKE IT OFF! [SOFTLY] " LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " WE CAN'T HEAR YOU! " LET ME MAKE YOU SMILE " SING OUT, LOUISE! [SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE] " LET ME DO A FEW TRICKS " " SOME OLD AND THEN SOME NEW TRICKS " " I'M VERY VERSATILE " " AND IF YOU'RE REAL GOOD, I'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD " " I WANT YOUR SPIRITS TO CLIMB " " SO LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " LET'S SEE SOME SKIN! " AND WE'LL HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME " " YES, SIR " " WE'LL...HAVE " " A REAL GOOD TIME " [WHISTLING] WELL, DO SOMETHING. DIP! TAKE SOMETHING OFF. [AUDIENCE BOOING] MAMMA. WHERE YOU GOING? A GLOVE! WELL, SAY SOMETHING. HELLO. HELLO! EVERYBODY... MY NAME IS... GYPSY...ROSE...LEE. [CHEERING] WHAT'S YOURS? BARNEY! SIR. MR. CONDUCTOR, IF YOU PLEASE... [MUSIC STARTS OVER] " SO LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " " AND WE'LL HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME " " YES, SIR " " WE'LL...HAVE " " A REAL GOOD TIME "" THE ALHAMBRA THEATER OF PHILADELPHIA BRINGS YOU OUR FEATURED ATTRACTION-- MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE! " LET ME " " ENTERTAIN YOU " " LET ME... MAKE YOU SMILE " I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE THIS. MY MOTHER, WHO GOT ME INTO THIS BUSINESS... ALWAYS TOLD ME... MAKE THEM BEG FOR MORE... AND THEN DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM. BUT I'M NOT MY MOTHER. SO, IF YOU BEG FOR MORE, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU. " AND WE'LL HAVE A REAL GOOD... " BEG! WE WANT MORE! THE DIAMOND BURLESQUE OF DETROIT PRESENTS ANOTHER JEWEL IN OUR GLITTERING CROWN! MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE! THE OLD HOWARD THEATRE OF BOSTON INVITES ALL YOU FLOUNDERING FATHERS TO THE MOST SPECTACULAR EVENT-- MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE! ALL RIGHT! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! OH, YES! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN BIG HATS GO OUT? AND NOW, MINSKY'S WORLD-FAMOUS BURLESQUE PRESENTS THE QUEEN OF THE STRIPTEASE, THE INCOMPARABLE MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE, IN OUR SALUTE TO THE GARDEN OF EDEN. " AH AH AH " " AH AH " " AH AH AH AH AH " " AHH " AH " AH AH " AH " AHH " " AHH "" [APPLAUSE] [PEOPLE WHISTLE] PACK UP YOUR PETALS, GIRLS, AND BACK TO THE GARDEN. [LAUGHTER] BONSOIR, MESSIEURS... ET MESSIEURS. JE M'APPELLE... GYPSY... ROSE... LEE. AND THAT CONCLUDES MY ENTIRE PERFORMANCE IN FRENCH. [LAUGHTER] I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY LEARNING... GREEK. WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? SOME MAN ACCUSED ME OF BEING AN ECDYSIAST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? NO. NO. DO YOU? NO. DO YOU? NO. YOU DO. NO. HE'S EMBARRASSED. DON'T BE EMBARRASSED. I LIKE MEN WITHOUT HAIR. WHOO! HA HA HA! AN ECDYSIAST IS ONE WHO, OR THAT WHICH, SHEDS ITS SKIN. IN VULGAR PARLANCE... A STRIPPER. BUT I'M NOT A STRIPPER. [DRUM ROLL] AT THESE PRICES... I'M AN ECDYSIAST! " AND IF YOU'RE REAL GOOD " " I'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD " " I WANT YOUR SPIRITS TO CLIMB " " LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU " " AND WE'LL " " HAVE " " A REAL GOOD " " TIME "" WHOO WHOO! YEAH! BRAVO! BRAVO! WHOO! BRAVO! SURE, I SAW THAT SIGN. IF I CAN READ FINE PRINT, I CAN CERTAINLY READ LETTERS 2 FEET HIGH. "THE MOTHER OF MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE IS NOT ALLOWED BACKSTAGE." HA! I TORE THAT SIGN DOWN AND SET CHOWSIE III ON IT. THAT DOG'S A TROUPER. SHE KNEW WHAT TO DO. TAKE MORE THAN SIGNS TO KEEP ME OUT. " HMM HMM "" THAT COMES DOWN. IT'S TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR GOAL-- ACTRESS, NOT CHEAP STRIPPER. JUNE'S THE ACTRESS, MOTHER. AND I'M NOT A CHEAP STRIPPER. I'M THE HIGHEST-PAID IN THE BUSINESS. YOU WON'T BE READY WHEN VAUDEVILLE COMES BACK. NO, I'LL BE DEAD. RENEE, TELL SAM HE CAN LOCK THE ANIMALS UP FOR THE NIGHT. I'LL TELL HIM. MOTHER, PLEASE. RENEE, BRING IN MY PRESS AGENT WHEN HE ARRIVES. OUI, MADAME. AREN'T YOU GOING TO TAKE YOUR BATH? YES, MOTHER. WHY ARE YOU FIXING YOUR FACE? A PHOTOGRAPHER'S COMING. WHERE'S HE PHOTOGRAPHING YOU-- THE TUB? EVENTUALLY. HUH! LOUISE! IT'S FOR VOGUE. LOUISE! I'LL GET OUT OUR SCRAPBOOKS. PHIL'S TAKEN CARE OF THAT. HE'S A ROTTEN PRESS AGENT. HE NEVER TELLS THEM WE HEADLINED THE ORPHEUM CIRCUIT. [TELEPHONE RINGS] I'VE GOT IT. HELLO? [INTIMATELY] HELLO. HA HA HA! IT'S DIFFICULT RIGHT NOW. I'M NOT LEAVING. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE PARTY. HA HA HA! I PROMISE. A BIENTOT. A BIEN WHAT? I GUESS I'M BEING A LITTLE MUCH, BUT, MAMMA, I LOVE IT. ALL RIGHT. WHO'S GIVING THE PARTY? SOME FRIENDS. IN THE OLD DAYS, I WAS ALWAYS INVITED FIRST. I WOULDN'T GO EVEN IF I DID HAVE SOMETHING TO WEAR. I GOT TO THINK UP A NEW STRIP FOR US. MOTHER, WE'RE STILL STUCK WITH THAT WIND MACHINE YOU BOUGHT TO BLOW MY CLOTHES OFF. ACTUALLY, I'M DOING A NEW NUMBER ON SATURDAY. WHAT IS IT? YOU'LL SEE. I'LL SEE? LET ME SURPRISE YOU. THESE DAYS, YOU'RE ONE SURPRISE AFTER ANOTHER! [SIGH] WE HAVE TO GO SHOPPING TOMORROW FOR THE MATERIAL FOR THE GOWN. I'VE GOT A FRENCH LESSON. WELL, I'LL GO ALONE. ANY PARTICULAR COLOR YOU WANT? I'VE STARTED MAKING THE GOWN. OH. WELL, UH, HMM... I'D BETTER RUN YOUR BATH. THAT'S WHY I HAVE A MAID. LET ME DO SOMETHING, DAMN IT! WHAT, MOTHER? A MILLION THINGS. A MILLION THINGS. I'M NOT A BABY. NEITHER AM I. DON'T TAKE THAT TONE. YOUR SISTER'S VOICE USED TO GET THAT EDGE. I AM NOT JUNE. YOU'RE NOT LOUISE, EITHER! NEITHER ARE YOU! YES, I AM-- MORE THAN YOU, GYPSY ROSE LEE, WITH YOUR DIRTY PICTURES FOR VOGUE AND MAIDS AND PRESS AGENTS AND FANCY FRIENDS WITH FANCY PARTIES. THEY HAPPEN TO BE-- THEY LAUGH AT ME! THEY DON'T LAUGH. THEY-- THEY DO! YOU DON'T WANT ME BACKSTAGE SO I WON'T HEAR THEM LAUGH. THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU, TOO-- YOU, THE BURLESQUE QUEEN WHO SPEAKS LOUSY FRENCH AND READS BOOK REVIEWS LIKE THEY WAS BOOKS. TURN IT OFF, MOTHER. TO THEM, YOU'RE THIS YEAR'S NOVELTY ACT. WHEN THE BILL IS CHANGED-- I SAID, TURN IT OFF! NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME, BECAUSE I LAUGH FIRST-- AT ME. ME... FROM SEATTLE. ME, WITH NO EDUCATION. ME, WITH NO TALENT, AS YOU'VE KEPT REMINDING ME MY WHOLE LIFE. HA! WELL, LOOK AT ME NOW-- A STAR! LOOK AT HOW I LIVE. LOOK AT MY FRIENDS. LOOK AT WHERE I'M GOING. I'M NOT STAYING IN BURLESQUE. I'M MOVING! MAYBE UP, MAYBE DOWN, BUT WHEREVER IT IS, I'M ENJOYING IT. MAMMA, I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME, ITIS MY LIFE. I LOVE IT, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY. I AM... GYPSY ROSE LEE! AND I LOVE HER. IF YOU DON'T, YOU CAN CLEAR OUT RIGHT NOW. [KNOCK ON DOOR] YOUR PRESS AGENT IS HERE WITH A PHOTOGRAPHER. TELL HIM I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. OUI, MADAME. [SIGH] MAMMA, WE CAN'T GO SHOUTING SEVEN PERFORMANCES OF THIS A WEEK. THE WHOLE FAMILY SHOUTS. IT COMES FROM OUR LIVING SO NEAR THE RAILROAD TRACKS. I'M GETTING AN ULCER. YOU THINK I'M NOT? YES, I THINK YOU'RE NOT. IF YOU WANT AN ULCER, GET YOUR OWN. YOU CAN'T HAVE MINE. EVERYBODY'S GOT STOMACH TROUBLE BUT ME. HA HA! LOUISE, LET'S FORGET IT. NO, LET'S FINISH IT. I GOT TO FEED CHOWSIE. YOU FOUGHT YOUR WHOLE LIFE. I WISH YOU'D RELAX. YOU NEED MORE MASCARA. MAMMA, YOU'VE GOT TO LET GO OF ME! LET GO? I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING. YOU NEED ME. A HOUSE, A FARM, A SCHOOL-- A DRAMATIC SCHOOL FOR KIDS. YOU'RE GREAT WITH KIDS. I'M NOT AN OLD WORKHORSE YOU CAN TURN OUT TO PASTURE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE RIDING HIGH ON YOUR OWN! NO KID DOES IT ALL ON HIS OWN. I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE. IF I FLOP, I FLOP ON MY OWN. GYPS, WHAT DO YOU SAY? "SO LONG, ROSE." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS. "DON'T SLAM THE DOOR AS YOU LEAVE." HELLO, ROSE. GYPS, BABY, MAY I PRESENT MONSIEUR BOUGERON-COCHON? ENCHANTE, MONSIEUR. ENCHANTE, MADEMOISELLE. LET'S MAKE WITH THEOISEAU, KIDDIES. HMM? ONE BEFORE THE PLUNGE. FINE. ALL RIGHT, MISS. JUST ONE THING I WANT TO KNOW-- ALL THE WORKING AND PUSHING AND FINAGLING, THE SCHEMING AND SCRIMPING, ALL THE LYING IN BED NIGHTS FIGURING HOW WE'LL GET TO THE NEXT TOWN, HOW WE'LL ALL EAT ON A BUCK, HOW I'LL MAKE AN ACT OUT OF NOTHING-- WHY DID I DO IT? YOU SAY I FOUGHT MY WHOLE LIFE. I FOUGHT YOUR WHOLE LIFE. SO TELL ME NOW-- WHAT DID I DO IT FOR? I THOUGHT YOU DID IT FOR ME, MAMMA. COME ON. SMILE, GYPS. SHOW US YOUR TALENT. THAT'S IT! "I THOUGHT YOU DID IT FOR ME, MAMMA. "I THOUGHT YOU MADE A NO-TALENT OX INTO A STAR BECAUSE YOU LIKE DOING THINGS THE HARD WAY, MAMMA." AND YOU HAVEN'T ANY TALENT-- NOT WHAT I CALL TALENT! TALENT FOR THE DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND, MAYBE. NOT AN OUNCE OF IT, MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE! I MADE YOU! AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID IT FOR? BECAUSE I WAS BORN TOO SOON AND STARTED TOO LATE! THAT'S WHY. WITH WHAT I GOT IN ME, I COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU! WHAT I GOT IN ME, WHAT I'VE BEEN HOLDING DOWN INSIDE OF ME... OH, IF I EVER LET IT OUT, THERE WOULDN'T BE SIGNS BIG ENOUGH! THERE WOULDN'T BE LIGHTS BRIGHT ENOUGH! HERE SHE IS, BOYS! HERE SHE IS, WORLD! HERE'S ROSE! " CURTAIN UP " " LIGHT THE LIGHTS " PLAY IT, BOYS. " YOU EITHER GOT IT " " OR YOU AIN'T " " AND, BOYS, I GOT IT " YOU LIKE IT? YEAH! WELL, I GOT IT. " SOME PEOPLE GOT IT AND MAKE IT PAY " " SOME PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN GIVE IT AWAY " " THIS PEOPLE'S GOT IT " " AND THIS PEOPLE'S SPREADIN' IT AROUND " " YOU EITHER HAVE IT " " OR YOU'VE HAD IT! " HELLO, EVERYBODY! MY NAME IS ROSE. WHAT'S YOURS? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM EGG ROLLS, MR. GOLDSTONE? " HOLD YOUR HATS AND HALLELUJAH " " MAMMA'S GONNA SHOW IT TO YA " READY OR NOT, HERE COMES MAMMA! " MAMMA'S TALKIN' LOUD " " MAMMA'S DOIN' FINE " " MAMMA'S GETTIN' HOT " " MAMMA'S GOIN' STRONG " " MAMMA'S MOVIN' ON " " MAMMA'S ALL ALONE " " MAMMA DOESN'T CARE " " MAMMA'S LETTIN' LOOSE " " MAMMA'S GOT THE STUFF " " MAMMA'S LETTIN' GO " MAMMA! " MAMMA'S GOT THE STUFF " " MAMMA'S GOT TO MOVE " " MAMMA'S GOT TO GO " MAMMA... MAMMA. " MAMMA'S GOT TO LET GO " WHY DID I DO IT? WHAT DID IT GET ME? " SCRAPBOOKS FULL OF ME IN THE BACKGROUND " " GIVE 'EM LOVE, AND WHAT DOES IT GET YOU? " " WHAT DOES IT GET YOU? " " ONE QUICK LOOK AS EACH OF 'EM LEAVES YOU " " ALL YOUR LIFE, AND WHAT DOES IT GET YOU? " " "THANKS A LOT," AND OUT WITH THE GARBAGE " " THEY TAKE BOWS, AND YOU'RE BATTIN' ZERO " " I HAD A DREAM " " I DREAMED IT FOR YOU, JUNE " " IT WASN'T FOR ME, HERBIE " " AND IF IT WASN'T FOR ME " " THEN WHERE WOULD YOU BE " " MISS GYPSY ROSE LEE? " " WELL, SOMEONE TELL ME, WHEN IS IT MY TURN? " " DON'T I GET A DREAM FOR MYSELF? " " STARTING NOW, IT'S GONNA BE MY TURN " " GANGWAY, WORLD, GET OFF OF MY RUNWAY " " STARTING NOW, I BAT A THOUSAND " " THIS TIME, BOYS, I'M TAKING THE BOWS " " AND EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSE " " EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES " " EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES " " THIS TIME FOR ME " " FOR ME " " FOR ME " " FOR ME " FOR ME! FOR ME! " FOR ME! "" YEAH! JUST... JUST TRYING OUT A NEW... A FEW IDEAS YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE. YOU REALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING, MOTHER. THINK SO? IF YOU HAD HAD SOMEONE TO PUSH YOU LIKE I HAD. IF I COULD'VE BEEN, I WOULD'VE BEEN, AND THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS. [SIGH] I GUESS I DID DO IT FOR ME. WHY, MAMMA? JUST WANTED TO BE NOTICED. LIKE I WANTED YOU TO NOTICE ME. I STILL DO, MAMMA. IT'S O.K., MAMMA. IT'S O.K., ROSE. SAY... YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD SPEAK FRENCH. YOU'RE COMING TO THAT PARTY WITH ME. NO. COME ON. NO. LIKE THIS? YOU CAN WEAR MY FUR. I'VE GOT A STOLE. WELL, MAYBE JUST FOR AN HOUR OR TWO. THIS LOOKS BETTER ON ME THAN IT DOES ON YOU. FUNNY HOW WE CAN BOTH WEAR THE SAME SIZE. ESPECIALLY IN MINK. I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT. IT WAS A POSTER OF A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER-- LIKE THAT LADIES' MAGAZINE COVER. YES, MOTHER. IT WAS YOU AND ME, WEARING THE SAME GOWN. IT WAS AN AD FOR MINSKY, AND THE HEADLINE SAID, "MADAME ROSE..." "AND HER DAUGHTER GYPSY!" HA HA HA! CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC. CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1993 RHI ENTERTAINMENT, INC. PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE