MARS ATTACKS [TRACTOR ENGINE HUMMING] HEY, HOWDY THERE, MR. LEE. WHAT IS THIS, FILIPINO NEW YEAR'S? NO. WHY YOU SAY THAT? 'CAUSE YOU'RE COOKING UP A FEAST. I CAN SMELL IT ALL THE WAY FROM THE INTERSTATE. WHAT IS THAT, BARBECUE? OH, YEAH, BUT IT NOT COMING FROM HERE. WHAT IS THAT NOISE? [RUMBLING] DADDY! DAD, WHAT IS IT? DAD! DADDY! WHAT IS IT, DADDY? [BELLOWING] [SPACESHIP WHIRRING] WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THIS, JERRY? THE PEOPLE ARE GONNA LOVE IT, MR. PRESIDENT. OUR ONLY CONFLICT IS WHETHER WE AMBUSH THE 6:00 NEWS OR HOLD OUT FOR PRIME TIME. WELL, SCREW THE PRESS! THIS IS A NEED-TO-KNOW SITUATION. WE SHOULD MAKE IT TOP SECRET, AND WE SHOULD MOVE IN RIGHT AWAY WITH DEFCON 4. MR. PRESIDENT, WE CANNOT SIT ON THIS. GENERAL CASEY, DO YOU HAVE AN OPINION? WELL, SIR... DO WE KNOW THEY'RE HOSTILE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DO WE KNOW THEY'RE HOSTILE? MR. PRESIDENT, THEY HAVE OUR PLANET SURROUNDED WITH THOUSANDS OF WARSHIPS! DO WE KNOW THEY'RE WARSHIPS? [SIGHS] PROFESSOR, WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THEM? WE KNOW THEY'RE EXTREMELY ADVANCED TECHNOLOGICALLY, WHICH SUGGESTS, VERY RIGHTFULLY SO, THAT THEY'RE PEACEFUL. AN ADVANCED CIVILIZATION IS BY DEFINITION NOT BARBARIC. MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS A GREAT DAY. I AND ALL MY COLLEAGUES ARE EXTREMELY EXCITED. GOOD. EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE... YOU'RE RIGHT, JERRY. THE PEOPLE ARE GONNA LOVE IT. THIS IS A MOMENTOUS OCCASION. MR. PRESIDENT, WE HAVE TO ACT-- WE'LL GO ALL MEDIA ON THIS. I'LL WEAR MY BLUE CERRUTI SUIT, AND, JERRY, I'LL NEED A GOOD SPEECH. STATESMANLIKE, HISTORICAL, AND YET WARM AND NEIGHBORLY. ABRAHAM LINCOLN MEETS LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING. YES, SIR. FIRST LADY: ARE THEY TOO OLD FASHIONED? DECORATOR: YES, I THINK. NO, I DON'T THINK SO. THIS HAS GOT THE COLORS, BUT, NO, I DON'T THINK SO. NOT VIVID ENOUGH. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. OH, NANCY HAD THIS IN THE LIBRARY, DIDN'T SHE? I DON'T THINK SO. YES, INDEED. I THOUGHT PERHAPS THE WATERED SILK, AND THIS WEEK IT'S ON SALE. I HARDLY THINK I NEED WORRY ABOUT THAT. MY HUSBAND IS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD. WHAT DO YOU THINK, TAFFY? WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE THE ROOSEVELT ROOM THE WAY THE ROOSEVELTS WANTED IT? HA HA HA! BECAUSE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT WAS TOO FOND OF CHINTZ. THAT'S WHY. MOTHER, THIS ISN'T YOUR HOUSE. TAFFY, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A PEST, I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO IGNORE YOU. MRS. DALE? YES? [DISCO MUSIC PLAYING] [COINS JINGLING] [GIGGLES] OK, THANK YOU. I SAY YOU FIGHT SONNY LISTON IN '69. UH- HUH. REALLY? YOU MEAN YOU WERE A NUN BACK THEN? OH, YES. WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN FIGHT FANS, HAVEN'T WE, SISTERS? OH, YES. P.A.: BYRON WILLIAMS, TELEPHONE. BYRON WILLIAMS... THAT'S ME. I GOTTA GO. YOU LADIES HAVE A NICE TIME, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. [GIGGLING] YEAH? WOMAN: BYRON? OH, LOUISE! I'M SORRY I HAVE TO CALL YOU AT WORK, BUT... THE BOYS HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN 2 NIGHTS, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! LISTEN, SWEETIE, YOU'RE DOIN' THE BEST YOU CAN. THEY'RE JUST AT THAT AGE. LOUISE, THE CASINO MANAGER'S GIVING ME THE EVIL EYE. I'VE GOTTA GO. I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OK? HEY, UH, ARE YOU STILL COOL ON ME COMING TO WASHINGTON? SURE, COURSE I AM. YOU TAKE CARE, OK? BYE. " IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS " " GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN... " AHH. DO YOU HAVE TO DRINK IN FRONT OF ME? YOU'RE AN ADULT. JUST COPE. WELL, IT DOESN'T HELP ME THAT ALL WE EVER DO IS SIT AROUND IN BARS. HEY! THIS IS WORK, BABY, OK? I'M CHECKING THE DECOR, THE LIGHTING, THE TRAFFIC FLOW... IF I'D KNOW YOU WERE GONNA TURN INTO A CROOK, I NEVER WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU. I'M NOT A CROOK. I'M AMBITIOUS. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. AND IF YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE A NICKEL IN THIS TOWN WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO DALLY AROUND A FEW CURVES, WELL...YOU DON'T KNOW DOODLEY SQUAT ABOUT THE GAMING INDUSTRY. OH, ART. THE GALAXY'S GONNA BE THE BEST HOTEL IN VEGAS. THE BEST! I PROMISE. BUT DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE DESTROYING THE EARTH! ALL THIS GREED, THIS MONEY SYSTEM... YOU'RE DESTROYING EVERYTHING! OK, OK, BARBARA, OK. KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN. I GOT FRIENDS HERE. SUGAR! HIT ME ONE MORE TIME. STOP FLIRTING WITH THE WAITRESS! OH, GOD. HERE. GO ON OVER TO THE ROULETTE, PLAY OUR ANNIVERSARY, AND STAY OFF OF BLACK. THANKS, HONEY. [SHIP'S HORN BLOWS] [TELEPHONE RINGS] YEAH? MAKE IT QUICK. WE GO OUT LIVE IN 10 MINUTES. WHAT? THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CUTTING IN? [DIALING] THE BUDGET NEGOTIATIONS MAY BE DEAD IN THE WATER AFTER THIS WEEK IF... HAIR LOOKS GOOD. HUH? I LIKE THE HAIR. [TELEPHONE RINGS] QUOTE, "FACTUALLY CHALLENGED." BICKFORD SAYS IF AN AGREEMENT ISN'T REACHED... YEAH. STONE. SPEAK. JASON, HI, IT'S ME. ARE YOU WEARING A BRA? LISTEN TO ME, THIS IS BIG. PRESIDENT DALE IS CUTTING INTO MY SHOW TODAY. THAT'S ABSURD. WHY WOULD HE STOOP TO BEING ON TODAY IN FASHION? HE'S INTERRUPTING EVERYBODY. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S SOME SORT OF EMERGENCY ANNOUNCEMENT OR SOMETHING. THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. HE SHOULD BE TALKING TO US. UH, PSHH! WHITE HOUSE IS COMING OUT LIVE. [HANGS UP] GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS. I APOLOGIZE FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMS, BUT I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. MANY IMPORTANT THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE... MY GRADUATION FROM PRINCETON... THE DAY THAT MARSHA SAID SHE WOULD BE MY WIFE... THE BIRTH OF OUR DAUGHTER TAFFY. THANKS, DAD. AND THE NEWS THAT I HAVE HEARD TODAY THANK YOU. RANKS RIGHT UP THERE. YOU'RE WELCOME. A POWERFUL MEMORY IS IN THE MAKING. NOT JUST FOR ME, BUT FOR ALL MANKIND. TODAY... AN EXTRAORDINARY DISCOVERY WAS MADE BY THE HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE. THE DATA FROM THE HUBBLE WAS DECODED, [SPEAKING SPANISH] THEN ANALYZED BY THE MOST POWERFUL COMPUTERS AT M.I.T. THE IMAGES ARE UNDENIABLE. WE ARE ENTERING THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA. FRAME ENLARGEMENTS PROVIDE AN ASTONISHING SIGHT. A FLEET OF VEHICLES WHICH CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED AS... FLYING SAUCERS. COME ON! COME ON! PAPA NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES! YOW! HEY! PRESIDENT: ...TO CONTACT US. HEY! AM I THE ONLY ONE SHOOTING CRAPS HERE? HUH? PRESIDENT: ...WE WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET WITH THEM. I FEEL THIS IS THE PERFECT SUMMATION TO THE 20TH CENTURY. MARTIANS. THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE COME TO EARTH. PLEASE. WE NEED YOU. PRESIDENT: ...THE EXTENDING OF FRIENDSHIP IN ALL DIRECTIONS. I GOT PEOPLE COMING IN! EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A PART OF THIS! GALAXY'S GONNA BE... PRESIDENT: WE HAVE BECOME... WORLD-CLASS. ONE PLANET. AND SOON, WE WILL BECOME ONE SOLAR SYSTEM. WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT? [CHUCKLES] THESE FLYING SAUCERS HAVE COME FROM THE PLANET MARS. AND AT THEIR CURRENT COURSE AND SPEED... HEY... LISTEN, HOSS, I BEEN THINKIN' ABOUT MARTIANS WHEN THERE WASN'T NO MARTIANS. IT IS PROFOUNDLY MOVING TO KNOW THERE IS INTELLIGENT LIFE OUT THERE... GLAD THEY GOT IT SOMEWHERE. AND OUR WORLD WILL NEVER FEEL QUITE THE SAME AGAIN. GOOD NIGHT... AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL. THIS...IS INTENSE. [CELL PHONE RINGS] [ARF ARF ARF ARF] SHUT UP, POPPY. SHUT UP. [ARF ARF ARF ARF] SHUT UP! [ARF ARF] JASON STONE. UH-HUH. [ARF ARF ARF ARF] IT'S FOR YOU. [ARF ARF ARF] POPPY, HONEY... NO, SWEETIE. [WHINING] THAT'S RIGHT. SHH. GOOD GIRL. YEAH? OH, YEAH? WELL, I COULD BE THERE AT... I DON'T KNOW, 11:00? OK. BYE-BYE. YES? OH, THEY WANT ME TO GO INTERVIEW THAT PROFESSOR FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. K-KESSLER? DONALD KESSLER? YEAH, I THINK THAT WAS HIS NAME. YOU KNOW, THE, UM... THE SCIENCE GUY? THIS IS NUTS. THIS IS... WE SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT GUY. WELL, I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOUR PEOPLE ARE TOO SLOW. [SIGHS] RIGHT, POPPY? [ARF ARF ARF ARF] TV: 500 POUND SOWS UP NARROWLY IN LIGHT TRADING... [RIFLE CLACKING] FINISHED! [CLICK] 1 MINUTE, 57 SECONDS! HA HA! DIDN'T I TELL YOU UNDER 2 MINUTES? YOU DID! YOU DID! HA HA! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! HEY, MOM, YOU WANT A DONUT? FRESH BAKED MONDAY. HOW OLD ARE THEY? RICHIE, THAT'S 6 DAYS AGO! WELL, OK, GIMME A COUPLE. DAD: 1:57. TV: HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE... HEY, THIS MARTIAN THING IS PRETTY AWESOME, HUH? DID ANYONE OF YOU TRAITORS SEE MY MUFFY? YOUR BROTHER'S GONNA VOLUNTEER! SOON AS I GET BACK TO THE BASE. VOLUNTEER FOR WHAT, BILLY GLENN? UH-HUH. MARTIAN DETAIL. COOL. I TELL YOU ONE THING, IF ANY OF THEM MARTIANS COME AROUND HERE, I'M GONNA KICK THEIR BUTTS! HA HA HA! GO! GO! EXCUSE ME, FOLKS, BUT WE GOTTA MAKE AN UNSCHEDULE STOP! [TIRES SQUEALING] OH, MAN, IT'S MAMA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, HUH? IF YOU AIN'T GONNA COME HOME, WHY AIN'T YOU IN CLASS, HUH? CLASS WAS NOT CANCELED! 'CAUSE, MAMA, CLASS WAS-- YES, IT WAS! NOW, YOU, COME HERE! FOR WHAT? COME HERE! I'M NOT GONNA HURT YOU. NOW COME HERE. LET GO OF HIM. OK. NOW, JUST COME HERE. COME HERE. YOU THINK IT'S SMART TO CUT SCHOOL, HUH? DO YOU? DO YOU? HUH? HUH? NO-- NO, NO, MOM, CAUSE IT'S DUMB. YOU'RE GONNA FLUNK, AND YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL. MAMA-- NO-- NOW, GET YOUR BUTT-- GET YOUR BUTT ON THAT BUS! GET ON THAT BUS, BOY! YEAH, I WILL BE TRIPPIN' ALL OVER YOU. YOU GET BACK THERE, AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUTTA YOU, YOU HEAR ME? [APPLAUSE] I HATE SCHOOL! I HEARD THAT! [HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS] WOMAN: HI. HI, THERE. WANT A DATE? HOW ABOUT IT? A DATE? UH...MMM. SOUNDS GOOD. HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! THE STRESS AT WORK IS...UNBELIEVABLE. [JINGLING] MR. BAVA, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE? NO, I GOTTA WATCH THE FLOOR. WHAT DO YOU WANT, BYRON? WELL, YOU KNOW I'M SUPPORTING MY FAMILY BACK EAST. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIVORCED. WELL, I AM, BUT I STILL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. WELL, ANYWAY, LOOK, THINGS HAVE BEEN A LITTLE LEAN AROUND HERE, AND I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GET A RAISE. OUTTA THE QUESTION. MR. BAVA, I'M AN ASSET TO THIS HOTEL. I MEAN, THEY LIKE ME AROUND HERE. BYRON, YOU'RE A NICE GUY, BUT I COULD GET LEON SPINKS OR BUSTER DOUGLAS FOR THE SAME MONEY. MAYBE LESS. YOU'D BETTER GET MOVING. YOU'RE ON IN 5 MINUTES. [SIGHS] [SPACESHIPS WHIRRING] [CHUCKLES] THIS SHOW IS GONNA GET A HELL OF A RATING. NATHALIE: GO, GO, GO, GO! IT'S ALL YOURS, IAN. ...THE LANGUAGE YOU CHOOSE TO EMPLOY, AND IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, THE PROPOSITION THAT 2 AND 2 EQUALS 5 IS ENTIRELY LEGITIMATE. CALL ME NATHALIE. AND YOU DO, PLEASE, CALL ME DONALD. OH. I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED YOUR SHOW. RE-REALLY? YOU LIKE MY WORK? YES. VERY MUCH. WHY... WELL, THANK YOU. DIRECTOR: COMING OUT OF COMMERCIAL IN 5...4... 3...2... WELCOME BACK. WE'RE SPEAKING WITH PROFESSOR DONALD KESSLER. HE'S THE CHAIRMAN OF THE AMERICAN ACADEMY OF ASTRONAUTICS. PROFESSOR...ISN'T IT WEIRD THAT WE SENT A SPACE PROBE TO MARS AND WE DIDN'T EVEN FIND ANYONE? WELL, NOT REALLY, NATHALIE. [CHUCKLES] BECAUSE WE DIDN'T GET INTO THE CANALS. THE MARTIAN CANALS ARE ACTUALLY CANYONS, SOME OF THEM OVER A HUNDRED MILES DEEP. THE MARTIAN CIVILIZATION HAS CLEARLY DEVELOPED UNDER THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET. THEIR SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY MUST BE ABSOLUTELY MIND-BOGGLING. SO...WHAT IN YOUR VIEW, DONALD... KESSLER...CHAIRMAN... ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT THE MARTIANS CAN TEACH US, PROFESSOR? QUITE A LOT ABOUT MARS, I EXPECT, NATHALIE. [GIGGLES] [CHUCKLES] SHE'S FLIRTING WITH HIM. BUT, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS TREMENDOUSLY EXCITING. THINK OF IT-- THE KNOWLEDGE, THE NEW IDEAS, IT'S GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING, AND WE MUST BE OPEN TO IT. MAYBE THEY CAN TELL US ABOUT OUR UNIVERSE... HOW IT STARTED... WHERE IT'S GOING... PERHAPS... EVEN IT'S PURPOSE. IT'S TREMENDOUSLY EXCITING. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO HAPPEN SINCE... JESUS WALKED IN GALILEE. OH, CHRIST. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE PICTURE? GO TO CAMERA 2! CREWMAN: I CAN'T. IT'S BUSTED. WELL, THEN GO TO 1! GO TO 4! [ARF] [ARF ARF ARF] HE JUST COPPED A FEEL. [CRACKLING] NOW WHAT? [POPPY WHINING] [ARF] [POPPY BARKING] WHAT'S THAT? SO THAT'S A MARTIAN. THAT'S A MARTIAN? [WOOF] ACK ACK ACK ACK. OH, MY GOD. YIKES. ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT THING IN MY HOUSE. [CHUCKLES] SWEETIE, WE MAY HAVE TO. THE PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO MEET WITH THEM. WELL, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO EAT OFF THE VAN BUREN CHINA. ACK ACK ACK. WHOA, LOOK AT THAT BRAIN. HE MUST BE REAL SMART. OOH, IT'S GROSS. DON'T FORGET, NATHALIE, THAT WE WILL LOOK EQUALLY GROSS TO HIM. MARTIAN: ACK ACK! ACK ACK. WHOA! HE MADE THE INTERNATIONAL SIGN OF THE DONUT. FROM THE LIMITED INFORMATION AVAILABLE, I HAVE MADE 3 EXTRAPOLATIONS. 1--OUR MARTIAN FRIEND IS A CARBON-BASED LIFE FORM, 2--HE BREATHES NITROGEN, AND 3--THE LARGE CEREBRUM HERE INDICATES... TELEPATHIC POTENTIAL. YOU MEAN THEY CAN READ OUR THOUGHTS? POTENTIALLY, YES. WHAT ABOUT THEIR INTENTIONS? ARE THEY A FRIENDLY PEOPLE? LOGIC DICTATES THAT, GIVEN THEIR EXTREMELY HIGH LEVEL OF TECHNICAL DEVELOPMENT, THEY'RE AN ADVANCED CULTURE. THEREFORE, PEACEFUL AND ENLIGHTENED. THE HUMAN RACE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS AN AGGRESSIVELY DANGEROUS SPECIES. I SUSPECT THEY HAVE MORE TO FEAR FROM US... THAN WE FROM THEM. DOCTOR. THANK YOU, PROFESSOR. FOR MANY YEARS, I'VE BEEN REFINING A TRANSLATING COMPUTER. THE RESULTS ARE NOT PERFECT, BUT THIS MAY ANSWER SOME OF YOUR QUESTIONS. [PLAYING MARTIAN LANGUAGE] [MACHINE BLOOPING] SYNTHESIZED VOICE: ALL GREEN OF SKIN... 800 CENTURIES AGO. THEIR BODILY FLUIDS INCLUDE THE BIRTH OF HALF-BREEDS. HOW MANY CENTURIES DID HE SAY? 800, SIR. COMPUTER: ...SELF-DETERMINATION OF THE COSMOS. FOR DARK IS THE SUEDE... THAT MOWS LIKE A HARVEST. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? HEY, MITCH. GOOD MORNING, MISS. I'M SORRY, YOU CAN'T COME THIS WAY. THERE'S A TOUR IN PROGRESS. OH. UH, HELLO. MY NAME IS BARBARA. ALL: HELLO, BARBARA. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK IN 3 MONTHS. [APPLAUSE] [GIGGLES] OH, THANK YOU. UM, AND I'M FEELING SO OPTIMISTIC BECAUSE OF THE MARTIANS. WE'RE NOT ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE, AND IT'S SO PERFECT THAT--THAT IT'S HAPPENING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM. OUR PLANET WAS SUFFERING WITH THE OZONE AND THE RAIN FOREST AND... SO MANY PEOPLE UNHAPPY IN THEIR LIVES. AND THEN... THE MARTIANS HEARD OUR GLOBAL KARMIC CRY FOR HELP. PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE UGLY, BUT I THINK THEY'VE COME TO SHOW US THE WAY. I...I THINK THEY'VE COME TO SAVE US. [APPLAUSE] [GIGGLES] HA HA! HE'S GONNA BE OK. HE'S IN THE SERVICE. [SOBS] GOOD LUCK, HONEY. [KISSING] BYE-BYE. YOU BE CAREFUL, BABY, OK? DON'T GET YOURSELF KILLED OR ANYTHING. OHH, AIN'T SHE CUTE? SON, WE'RE REAL PROUD OF YOU. AW, THANKS, DAD. DAD: HERE, LET ME TAKE THIS. SO LONG, BRO. SO LONG, RETARD. JUST DON'T BE TOUCHIN' NONE OF MY STUFF WHILE I'M GONE. BYE-BYE, GRANDMA. GOOD-BYE, THOMAS. IT'S BILLY GLENN, GRANDMA. I KNOW. THOMAS. [CHUCKLES] BYE-BYE, HONEY. BYE-BYE. DRIVER: I GOT TO GO. ALL RIGHT. SHARONA: LOVE YOU, BABY! ADIOS. TAKE CARE OF MY BOY. DAD: BYE-BYE! WELL, HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. I HOPE SO. THE ARMY TRAINS 'EM GOOD. WELL, HE'S GONE FOR A WHILE. OH, RICHIE, WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER? COME ON, DARLING, WE GOT PLUMB LUCKY WITH BILLY GLENN. YOU CAN'T EXPECT THE SAME LUCK TWICE. RICHIE... YOU WANT TO MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL FOR A CHANGE? SURE, DAD. TAKE GRANDMA BACK TO THE HOME. [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING] SAY, GRANDMA, BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D LIVE TO SEE THE MARTIANS COMING TO EARTH. IT'S PRETTY FAR OUT, HUH? BUT THEN, JUST THINK OF ALL THE CRAZY STUFF YOU MUST HAVE SEEN IN YOUR LIFETIME. I BET PEOPLE WERE PRETTY SCARED WHEN THEY INVENTED THE TRAIN. COME ON, KID. I'M NOT THAT OLD. GRANDMA, YOU OK? [CHUCKLES] I WANT TO SEE SLIM. I WANT TO SEE SLIM... AND MUFFY... AND RICHIE. GRANDMA, I'M RICHIE. [CHUCKLES] I KNOW, THOMAS. RICHIE WAS ALWAYS THE BEST ONE. RIGHT NOW, THE PRESIDENT IS TALKING TO OTHER WORLD LEADERS. THEY'RE PREPARING A SHOPPING LIST OF ISSUES OF COMMON INTEREST TO DISCUSS. THERE IS A UNILATERAL, CONCERTED, DIPLOMATIC EFFORT BEING MADE. JERRY! HERE! MR. ROSS! UH...JASON. YEAH, JERRY, THANKS, IF THE MARTIANS LAND, WILL THE PRESS HAVE ACCESS? CAN WE DO INTERVIEWS? WELL, I MEAN, THAT DEPENDS. YOU KNOW, WE'D HAVE TO ESTABLISH CONTACT, UH, WORK OUT WHATEVER COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS, ESTABLISH A PARAMETER FOR TALKS, AND THEN I GUESS WE JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I--OH! HERE'S THE PRESIDENT. GOOD MORNING. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN. I JUST HAVE A FEW MINUTES FOR QUESTIONS, SO LET'S GET STARTED. MR. PRESIDENT! OVER HERE! MR. PRESIDENT, OVER HERE! DO THE MARTIANS HAVE 2 SEXES LIKE WE DO? TV: FROM HOLLYWOOD... WE BRING YOU THE LAWRENCE WELK SHOW! [ORCHESTRA PLAYS] AND NOW HERE HE IS, MR. MUSIC MAKER HIMSELF... LAWRENCE WELK! [APPLAUSE] THIS PUSSYCAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PUSSYCAT IN THE WHOLE WORLD! THAT'S MY MUFFY. [KISS] RICHIE, DIDN'T YOU EVER HAVE A PUSSYCAT OF YOUR OWN? SURE, GRANDMA. MUSIC! RICHIE: THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU. [SLIM WHITMAN] " WHEN I'M CALLING YOU-OO-OO " HEY, GRANDMA, YOU GONNA BE OK? IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, ANY DONUTS OR ANYTHING, " OO-OO-OO-OO " GIMME A CALL, ALL RIGHT? BYE. " WILL YOU ANSWER TOO-OO " HOW DO, BYRON? LOOKS LIKE YOU AIN'T GOT NO WHEELS. COME ON, GET IN. WHEW. AH, MAN. I'M GONNA DO YOU A FAVOR, BYRON. I OWE YOU ONE. I MADE A TON OF MONEY ON YOUR LAST FIGHT IN '73. THE QUAKER IN JAMAICA. WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEBODY DID. YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S ROUGH ON JOCKS. UH, YOU GET TO A CERTAIN AGE, OPPORTUNITIES DRY UP. SO HERE'S THE DEAL. I GOT THIS CHUMP, OWES ME A LOT OF MONEY, NEEDS A WAKE-UP CALL. WHAT I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO DO IS, UH, USE THAT PATENTED LEFT HOOK ON HIM. JUST IN THE RING, ART, YOU KNOW? JUST IN THE RING, MAN. YEAH, I'M HIP, I'M HIP. BUT I'LL GIVE YOU 2 GRAND. WHEN YOU'RE DONE ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS MOSEY ON BY THE OFFICE AND PICK UP THE CASH. WHY YOU WANNA COME AT ME THAT WAY, ART? YOU KNOW I'M TRYING TO GET BACK WITH MY WIFE. YOU KNOW, WE USED TO HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THAT SAME KIND OF SHIT. I'VE CHANGED, MAN. I FOUND ALLAH, I DON'T EAT PORK, AND I'M A BETTER MAN. I FACED THAT DEMON. I DON'T WANT HIM COMING ON AGAIN. YOU GAVE UP PORK. [BEEPING] GENERAL, THEY'RE SENDING COORDINATES. WHERE ARE THEY LANDING? PAHRUMP. IT'S IN THE NEVADA DESERT. YES, SIR, AND I CAN HAVE MY TROOPS THERE AT 0800 HOURS, SIR. MR. PRESIDENT, WE MUST NOT SEND THESE PEOPLE THE WRONG MESSAGE. WE NEED A WELCOME MAT, NOT A ROW OF TANKS. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU CAN'T HAVE MARTIANS RUNNING ALL OVER NEVADA! YOU'RE RIGHT, GENERAL. THANK YOU, SIR. THIS SITUATION NEEDS TO BE SUPERVISED. ABSOLUTELY, SIR. GENERAL CASEY, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT? I'D BE PROUD. GOOD. BUT KEEP A LID ON IT. KEY MEDIA, GOOD CROSS-SECTION OF GUESTS. WE DON'T WANT IT TO TURN INTO A ZOO OUT THERE. YES, SIR. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. LIBERALS, INTELLECTUALS, PEACE MONGERS, IDIOTS! WOULD YOU PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN? PEOPLE LIVE HERE. [TELEPHONE RINGS] [RING] GENERAL CASEY. YES. YES, I GET TO GREET THE MARTIAN AMBASSADOR. [LAUGHS] ISN'T THAT GREAT? OH, IT'S A HELL OF AN HONOR. BUT DIDN'T I ALWAYS TELL YOU, HONEY, IF I JUST STAYED IN PLACE AND I NEVER SPOKE UP, GOOD THINGS ARE BOUND TO HAPPEN? YEAH. OK. [KISSES] [CHOIR SINGS ON RADIO] I WANT THE MARTIANS TO BE TREATED LIKE FOREIGN DIGNITARIES. I WANT YOUR MEN ALERT AND MAJESTIC WITH A SNAP IN THEIR STEP. IT'S GOT TO LOOK GOOD. I MEAN, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING. YES-- SIR. [TRANSLATING COMPUTER GURGLES] ARE YOU POSITIVE THIS THING IS GOING TO WORK? POSITIVELY POSITIVE. 'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT ANY SLIP-UPS. NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT AT ALL, NO. HEY, POPPY. ALL THESE PEOPLE NOW. ALL OF THEM HERE TO SEE YOU. MMWA. WHOO, THERE'S JASON, POPPY. NATHALIE: HI, JASON! NATHALIE: HI! JASON! HI! YOO-HOO! ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. THE TEEMING MASSES HAVE GATHERED FROM WHO KNOWS HOW MANY STATES, WAITING AND WATCHING. WHY HAVE THEY COME? CURIOSITY? OR IS IT SOMETHING MORE? OR IS IT SIMPLY TO SAY, "I WAS THERE"? "I WAS THERE WHEN FIRST MAN MET MARTIAN." JASON STONE, G.N.N., PAHRUMP. [WHIRRING] [ARF] [WHIRRING] SOMETHING'S THERE! GIVE 'EM ROOM. THAT'S IT, GIVE 'EM ROOM. [CAMERAS CLICK] IT IS AN AWESOME SIGHT. THE GIANT SPACECRAFT GLINTING IN THE-- IN THE NEVADA SUN LIKE A-- LIKE A GIANT... HUBCAP. SOMETHING'S HAPPENING. [ARF] DOORWAY IS OPENING. [CAMERA CLICKS] OOH, A SILVER RAMP IS-- [ARF] IS COMING OUT LIKE A GIANT TONGUE. NATHALIE: MMM. ACK. GEE WHIZ. [WOOF] [GRRRR] [WOOF WOOF WOOF] RUSTY, SHH! ACK. MARTIANS. FUNNY LITTLE OL' CRITTERS, AIN'T THEY? ACK. ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK, ACK ACK. AH. [GURGLING] CASEY: WELL? WAIT A MOMENT. IT'S JUST-- TRANSLATOR: REET-REET- REET-- GREETINGS. GREETINGS, P.A.: I AM THE MARTIAN AMBASSADOR. ZEIGLER: EVERYTHING IS FIXED NOW, GENERAL. YOU MAY SPEAK. GREETINGS. I AM GENERAL CASEY, COMMANDING OFFICER OF THE ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. ON BEHALF OF THE PEOPLE OF EARTH, WELCOME. HE DID THAT WELL. [GURGLING] [P.A. AIRS MARTIAN LANGUAGE] ACK. [P.A. AIRS MARTIAN LANGUAGE] ACK ACK ACK, ACK ACK ACK! P.A.: WE COME IN PEACE. WE COME IN PEACE. WE COME IN PEACE. P.A.: WE COME IN PEACE. THEY CAME IN PEACE. [CHEERING] WE COME IN PEACE. WE COME IN PEACE. [ARF RR-RRR] ACK ACK! [SCREAMING] OFFICER: OPEN FIRE! [SCREAMING] OH! ACK! WHOA. ACK! AAH! AAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? NATHALIE! ACK! AAH! DIE, YOU ALIEN SHITHEAD! [CLICK] UH-OH. I SURRENDER. NO, IT AIN'T HAPPENIN'. NO, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. SOLDIER: COVER YOUR BACK! FOLLOW ME! [RAY GUN FIRES] HELP ME. HERE. ACK! AAH! [GASPS] ACK. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. DID YOU SEE THAT? WE SHOULD HIT THESE ASSHOLES WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT, SIR. SIR, MR. PRESIDENT, I KNOW THIS SEEMS TERRIBLE, BUT LET'S NOT BE TOO RASH. WE SHOULD NUKE THEM NOW, SIR. WE MUST ESTABLISH A LINE OF COMMUNICATION FIRST. WHY NOT SET UP A TOWN HALL? WE CAN GET THE PUBLIC'S OPINION. WHAT DO YOU THINK, MARSHA? KICK THE CRAP OUT OF THEM. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS COULD BE A CULTURAL MISUNDERSTANDING. YEAH. MAYBE TO THEM, DOVES MEAN WAR. WE ALL SAW HOW THEY REACTED TO THAT DOVE. IT FRIGHTENED THEM. HE DID SAY THAT... "WE COME IN PEACE." YES. THE NEW COMPUTER IS READY, MR. PRESIDENT. OK, LET'S DO IT. I KNOW WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION. READY TO TRANSMIT. THIS IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. "I'M SPEAKING TO YOU "IN THE HOPE THAT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER TODAY "IN THE NEVADA DESERT "WAS A CULTURAL MISUNDERSTANDIN G. "THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT "THAT WE TWO PEOPLES HAVE A GREAT DEAL "TO OFFER ONE ANOTHER. "YOU MUST BE AS EXCITED AS WE "TO FIND INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM. "AND LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR, "YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR FROM US. "OUR CUSTOMS MAY BE STRANGE TO YOU, BUT WE MEAN NO HARM." [RING] AAH! [RING] [RING] [CHIRPING] ACK. ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK. ACK. ACK! ACK! ACK. ACK. ACK ACK ACK. ACK. ACK ACK. [LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] AH. [PLLT] [PLLT] [BREATHES HEAVILY] WHEN THE INVESTORS FLY IN, I WOULD LIKE FOR THEM EACH TO BE MET BY A LIMO. TOP OF THE LINE CARS. LEATHER INTERIORS. CORINTHIAN, IF THEY GOT IT. ART, ARE YOU STILL SPINNING YOUR WHEELS ON THAT COCKAMAMIE HOTEL? WHOA. HELLO! THE MARTIANS HAVE ATTACKED. THIS WAS NO MISUNDERSTANDI NG. I WAS THERE. I SAW IT. LOOK, YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY, AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT TOMORROW. THE MARTIANS LAND ON EARTH, THEY'RE GONNA NEED A PLACE TO STAY JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. MY GOD. MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL BE DESTROYED. THE HUMAN RACE DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE. ETHEL, THAT REMINDS ME: I WOULD LIKE FOR EVERY LIMO TO BE STOCKED WITH EVERY KIND OF ALCOHOL KNOWN TO MAN. AND TOP IT OFF WITH A BOTTLE OF DOM ON ICE. WHAT CONFOUNDS ME MOST OF ALL, GENTLEMEN, IS THE LACK OF GENITALIA. AND, OF COURSE, DOWN HERE WE HAVE THE AORTA. UP HERE WE HAVE THE SPHINX. NOTICE THE HIGHLY DEVELOPED CRANIAL NERVE SYSTEM HERE. THIS EXPLAINS, OF COURSE, THE CEREBRAL ARTERIES. AND IF WE NOTICE DOWN HERE, BEHIND THE OPTIC CHASM, SEVERAL GLANDS... VERY CURIOUS. ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK ACK. ACK. ACK ACK. [DRILL WHIRS] ACK ACK. ACK. [DRILL WHIRS] [ARF ARF] [ARF ARF ARF] AAH! [ARF ARF] [ARF ARF ARF] CHAPLAIN: HE WHO BELIEVES IN ME, THOUGH HE DIE, YET SHALL HE LIVE. AND WHOEVER LIVES AND BELIEVES IN ME SHALL NEVER DIE. BILLY GLENN NORRIS GAVE HIS LIFE DEFENDING OUR COUNTRY... WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE HIM? CHAPLAIN: BILLY GLENN NORRIS IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO. MAY GOD REST HIS SOUL. OFFICER: SQUAD, READY... AIM... FIRE! AIM... FIRE! [PLAYS TAPS] AIM...FIRE! [TELEPHONE RINGS] [RING] HELLO? BYRON. IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? YOU STILL COMING TOMORROW? YOU JUST TRY AND STOP ME. THAT PLANE ARRIVES AT 4 P.M. ARE THE KIDS THERE? YEAH. UH, HOLD ON. CEDRIC? NEVILLE? POW POW POW. LET'S SEE YOU JUMP. HEY, DAD. WHO'S THAT? NEVILLE? YEAH. HOW YOU DOING? WE'RE GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE. YOU'RE GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE? YEAH. TOMORROW. MAN, GIVE IT BACK. LEAVE ME ALONE. IT'S A SCHOOL THING, LIKE A TOUR. OH, SO THAT MEANS YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL ONCE IN A WHILE, HUH? YEAH. GIVE ME YOUR MA AGAIN, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT. HOLD ON. MOM. [WHISPERS] YOU ALWAYS GET THE PHONE FIRST. SO WHAT? WELL, I'M FIRST TO THE GAME. WHAT ARE YOU WASTING THIS PHONE TIME FOR? I'M GOING TO BE SEEING YOU TOMORROW. YEAH, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA SAY TO YOU. JUST 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE SAYING IT, ALL RIGHT? YEAH, WHAT'S THAT? I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, TOO, BYRON. NOW STOP WASTING MONEY. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. [BEEP BEEP BEEP] ACK ACK! [BEEP BEEP BEEP] ACK ACK ACK. THEY'RE RESPONDING. A MESSAGE FROM THE MARTIANS. REALLY? THEY'VE ISSUED A FORMAL APOLOGY. THIS IS GREAT! DIDN'T I TELL YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN? THE MARTIAN AMBASSADOR FEELS TERRIBLE AND ASKS PERMISSION TO SPEAK TO CONGRESS. I MEAN, THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT? YOU BET. IT'S A GREAT VICTORY FOR OUR ADMINISTRATION. [WHIRRING] THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU. SEE YOU LATER. THANK YOU, SIR. MOMENTOUS DAY, MOMENTOUS DAY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A PROUD DAY FOR ALL AMERICANS. THIS IS A HELL OF A PHOTO-OP, JERRY. ARE YOU SURE I SHOULDN'T BE THERE? WELL, FOR SOME PICKY REASON THE SECRET SERVICE DON'T WANT THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH IN THE SAME ROOM AT THE SAME TIME. THE MARTIAN AMBASSADOR IS GOING TO SAY A FEW WORDS. COME ON DOWN, MR. AMBASSADOR. [THUMP THUMP THUMP] ACK ACK ACK. "ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK!" ACK ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK. AAH! MR. AMBASSADOR, PLEASE! AAH! AAH! MR. AMBASSADOR, PLEASE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! IT'S NOT LOGICAL! IT'S NOT--OOF! GUESS IT WASN'T THE DOVE. FIRE! [SCREAMING] THEY BLEW UP CONGRESS! HA HA HA HA! ALL RIGHT, YOU! TAKE THIS! TAKE THIS! WHAT DID THEY DO THAT FOR? UGH. MAYBE THEY DON'T LIKING THE HUMAN BEING. HELLO, GENTLEMEN. NICE OF YOU TO COME ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE. GENERAL DECKER, IT SEEMS I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. HEY, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, MR. PRESIDENT. NOT ANYMORE. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE CHARGE OF THIS THING. EXCELLENT, SIR. I HAVE PREPARED THE ORDER. WHAT'S THIS? OH, THAT'S YOUR EXECUTIVE ORDER AUTHORIZING FULL USE OF OUR NUCLEAR DETERRENT, SIR. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? I'M NOT GOING TO START A WAR. WE'RE ALREADY AT WAR, SIR. WE HAVE TO NUKE 'EM. WE HAVE TO NUKE 'EM NOW! GENERAL DECKER, IF YOU DO NOT SHUT UP, I AM GOING TO RELIEVE YOU OF YOUR COMMAND. WE HAVE TO STRIKE NOW, SIR! ANNIHILATE! KILL! KILL! KILL! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NOW... I WANT THE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT THEY STILL HAVE 2 OUT OF 3 BRANCHES OF THE GOVERNMENT WORKING FOR THEM, AND THAT AIN'T BAD. I WANT THE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT THE SCHOOLS WILL STILL BE OPEN, OK? AND I WANT THE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT THE GARBAGE WILL STILL BE CARRIED OUT. AND I WANT A COP ON EVERY CORNER, WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, WE WOULD ALREADY HAVE IF THEY HAD LISTENED TO ME IN THE LAST ELECTION. JERRY, HOW SOON CAN WE GO ON THE AIR? UH... MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART THAT I SPEAK TO YOU THIS AFTERNOON. AS YOU KNOW, EARLIER TODAY THE MARTIAN AMBASSADOR AND HIS CONFEDERATES ATTACKED AND KILLED MANY OF YOUR REPRESENTATIVES ON CAPITOL HILL. I WILL BE CONFERRING WITH OTHER WORLD LEADERS AS TIME GOES ON. AND REST ASSURED THAT WORKING TOGETHER, WE WILL SOON COME OUT AT A VERY REAL OUTCOME. THANK YOU. [STATIC] ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK. [HEART BEATING] OHH. NATHALIE? NATHALIE, IS THAT YOU? YES. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? UHH. NOT TERRIBLY GOOD, I'M AFRAID. ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK. MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION? MMM. YES. YES, OF COURSE YOU CAN, NATHALIE. WERE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME ON THE SHOW? BECAUSE IF YOU WERE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, THAT I LIKED IT. HO. HO HO. YOU DID? REALLY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I'VE-- I'VE WATCHED YOU ON TV QUITE A BIT, AND, UH, WELL, I'VE... HAD SOMETHING OF A SCHOOLBOY CRUSH ON YOU FOR, OH, GOSH... AGES. HI, THERE. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE WHITE HOUSE? I WORK THERE. I'M THE PRESS SECRETARY. MY NAME'S JERRY ROSS. MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF ME? YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE PRESSURE OF MY JOB. IT'S NICE TO SEE A NEW FACE. HEY, UM... ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING? 'CAUSE IF YOU WANT, I--I COULD GIVE YOU A PERSONALIZED TOUR. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? HEY, MITCH, IT'S ME. CAN YOU LET ME IN? OH, HELLO, MR. ROSS. SURE. WE'RE JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS AROUND HERE AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO CONGRESS. EXACTLY. COME ON. MANY GREAT MEN AND WOMEN HAVE PASSED THROUGH HERE. NOW WE'RE PASSING THROUGH HERE. FEELS GOOD, DON'T IT? YOU'VE VERY GRACEFUL. I LIKE THAT. [ECHOING] COME HERE. WE CALL THIS THE KENNEDY ROOM. PRETTY NIFTY, HUH? HEH HEH. OH. [LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING] SO, HOW'S ABOUT A DRINK? [SHAKES DRINKS] AH, GETTING MORE COMFORTABLE, I SEE. OUTSTANDING. HOW'S MY LADY DOING? [GRUNTS AND SLOBBERS] AHH. OH, MISSY, YOU'RE HOT, BUT COULD WE GET THAT GUM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? HMM? AAH! MY FI... MY FINGER! [PANTS] HELLO. HELLO? OPERATOR, OPERATOR, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. HELP. PLEASE. [WOOF WOOF WOOF] AAH! [ALARM RINGING] AAH! DON'T SHOOT. [GASPING] DON'T WORRY, DARLING. [BIRD CHIRPING] NOW! THANK YOU, MITCH. IT'S MY JOB. JIMMY--OHH! JIMMY. AAH! AAH! ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK. WHAT'S HAPPENING? WELL, THEY APPEAR TO BE IN A HIGHLY AGITATED STATE, NATHALIE, AND I-- I--I DON'T KNOW. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW, NATHALIE. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ANYMORE. THIS IS TERRIBLY FRUSTRATING. I'M JUST NOT FEELING MYSELF. NATHALIE, IF ONLY I COULD HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS. OH, DONALD. I'M SCARED. EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO KNOW AS SOON AS WE HAD AN ANALYSIS OF THE CHEWING GUM. YES. WHAT IS IT? IT'S NO-2, HIGHLY CONCENTRATED. NITROGEN. SO... THAT'S HOW IT COULD BREATHE IN OUR ATMOSPHERE. WHAT'S THAT NOISE? ACK. ACK ACK. ACK! [ALL SCREAMING] THEODORE, I SIMPLY DO NOT FEEL THAT LINCOLN- - IT'S A FULL-SCALE INVASION. MR. PRESIDENT, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO GET YOU TO SAFETY. AAH. SHOULDN'T WE GO THIS WAY? SORRY, MA'AM, THERE'S A TOUR GOING THROUGH HERE. THE BLUE ROOM IS OFTEN CONSIDERED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE. IN FACT, IT IS OFTEN USED BY THE PRESIDENT TO RECEIVE GUESTS. IT IS FURNISHED... [WHIRRING] TO REPRESENT THE PERIOD OF JAMES MONROE. HEY, WHAT'S THAT? THAT...IS A PORTRAIT OF JAMES MONROE. [ALL SCREAMING] GUARD: LET'S GO. GO. GO. AAH! WE LOST TAFFY. OH, NO. MITCH: MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE KEEP MOVING. WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO THE BACK STAIRS. THE NANCY REAGAN CHANDELIER. WHAAH! MARSHA! MARSHA! MARSHA? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GAWKING AT? GET THE PRESIDENT OUT OF HERE. DO IT. AND I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL GET A COMPLETE RETURN ON YOUR INVESTMENT WITHIN 5 MONTHS. MR. LAND, EXCUSE ME PLEASE. JUST A SECOND, SHEIK, UH, RAKBULA. NOW, EVEN IN A TIME OF SO-CALLED... INTERGALACTIC EMERGENCY, THE PEOPLE STILL WANT TO ROLL THEM BONES. [RUMBLING] MR. LAND, I BELIEVE WE OUGHT TO RE-- JUST 5 MORE MINUTES, QUINN. WHAT I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU GENTLEMEN TO DO IS TO VIEW OUR BRAND-NEW, STATE-OF-THE-ART SHOWROOM. IT IS OUT OF SIGHT. GENTLEMEN... THERE IS NO WAY... THAT WE CAN LOSE. HA HA HA. WHOA! [IT'S NOT UNUSUAL PLAYS] " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL " " TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE " " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO HAVE FUN WITH ANYONE " " BUT WHEN I SEE YOU HANGING ABOUT WITH ANYONE " " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL " " TO SEE ME CRY " " I WANNA DIE " I BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU ALL DAY. MY FLIGHT'S BEEN CANCELED. BYRON, THERE'S MARTIANS EVERYWHERE. [DIAL TONE] HELLO? BYRON? BYRON? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. BYRON. OH. I GOTTA GET TO WASHINGTON. BYRON. BYRON. BYRON, DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO CAN FLY A PLANE? YEAH. YOUR HUSBAND ART. NO. HE'S DEAD. I TOLD HIM THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN. I EVEN LOADED A PLANE WITH SUPPLIES. I WANT TO GO TO TAHOE, TO THE TAHOE CAVES. IT'S REMOTE. THE MARTIANS WON'T FIND IT. WELL, WHERE'S THE PLANE? UH, PRIVATE AIRFIELD, OTHER SIDE OF THE FREEWAY. YOU THINK IT'LL FLY TO WASHINGTON D.C.? WHY? I WANNA GO TO TAHOE. " YOU'LL FIND IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME " " I SAID, LOVE WILL NEVER DO " " WHAT YOU WANT IT TO " " WHY CAN'T THIS CRAZY LOVE " " BE MINE? " " ACK ACK ACK ACK " " ACK ACK ACK ACK " JESUS CHRIST. GIRLS, GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! THERE'S A--THERE'S A MARTIAN RIGHT BEHIND ME. HEY, YOU'RE TOM JONES, RIGHT? " IT AIN'T UNUSUAL " HEY, TOM, TOM, CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH? ANYBODY GOT A PEN? [RAYGUN] [ALL SCREAMING] [COINS FALLING] HEY, THAT WAS A HELL OF A PUNCH. GET THAT GUN. YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT. I'M TOM JONES. BYRON WILLIAMS. I SAW YOU FIGHT IN CARDIFF, WALES ONCE. YEAH? HEY, BARBARA. YEAH? YOU ALL RIGHT? WELL, I NEED A DRINK. YOU AND ME BOTH, BABY. WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE. YOU KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE? SURE, YOU GOT ONE? SHE HAS. DAMN! ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK! DEVICE: DON'T RUN. WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. THE MARTIANS JUST BLEW UP THE DONUT SHOP. YOU KIDDING ME? SHOULD I GO GET GRANDMA? FORGET GRANDMA. SHE'S HALFWAY TO OUTER SPACE ALREADY. LOCK AND LOAD. I TELL YOU ONE THING. THEY AIN'T GETTING THE TV. MAN ON SPEAKER: THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE ON LINE 2. MR. PRESIDENT, THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE IS ON LINE 2. HE SAYS IT'S IMPORTANT. [FRENCH ACCENT] HELLO, MAURICE. CA VA? TRES BIEN. I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. THE MARTIAN AMBASSADOR IS HERE, AND WE'VE NEGOTIATED A SETTLEMENT. MAURICE, GET OUT OF THE ROOM. GET OUT NOW. ACK ACK. ACK. ACK ACK. [RAYGUN] ACK ACK! ACK ACK! MON DIEU. MR. PRESIDENT? MR. PRESIDENT! I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS! WHAT IS IT, MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT? IT IS AN ORDER TO DEPLOY OUR NUCLEAR CAPABILITIES, SIR. MAN: 3, 2, 1, FIRE. ACK ACK ACK. ACK ACK ACK! ACK ACK ACK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? ACK. ACK ACK. [HELIUM VOICE] " ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK " [ALL LAUGHING] ACK ACK. ACK ACK. ACK. ACK! ACK ACK. ACK. [ROARS] ACK ACK. ACK ACK. AAH. [STAYING ALIVE PLAYING ON RADIO] " WE WERE STEADY BREAKIN' AND EVERYBODY'S SHAKIN' " LOOK. [PANTING] " AH AH AH AH STAYIN' ALIVE " AAH! [HUMMING] WHAT WAS THAT? WHERE YOU GOING? I'M GONNA GO GET GRANDMA. NO, YOU'LL STAY HERE AND DEFEND THIS TRAILER. THAT'S WHAT BILLY GLENN WOULD HAVE DONE. YOU LEAVE, YOU'RE DISGRACING AN AMERICAN HERO. I DON'T CARE. I'M GONNA GO GET GRANDMA. BOY! RICHIE. [EXPLOSIONS] WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT? HEY! CUT IT OUT! HEY! [SCREAMING] WHAT IN THE HELL?! THIS WAY. NO, THIS WAY. IT'S A SHORTCUT. THE AIRSTRIP'S OVER THERE. BULLSHIT. THE AIRFIELD'S OVER THERE. [EXPLOSIONS] HEY! HEY, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE KING TUT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE OUR LEADER. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS WRONG. WE'RE LOST. HE LED US DOWN A MAZE. I'M GOING BACK TO THE HOTEL. COME ON. THIS WAY. WAIT. NO, WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME ON, BARBARA. OH, WELL, I LIKE HIM. I--I DO. ASSHOLES. WHY DID I LISTEN TO THEM? I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE HOTEL. SHIT. [RAYGUN COCKS] I SURRENDER, OK? YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS, SURRENDER? LOOK IT, YOU'RE INTELLIGENT BEINGS. HEY, LET'S CUT A DEAL. I CAN HELP YOU. I'M A LAWYER. HEY, YOU WANNA CONQUER THE WORLD, YOU'RE GONNA NEED LAWYERS, RIGHT? HERE. YOU WANT MY WATCH? HUH? TAKE IT. TAKE IT. GO ON. IT'S A ROLEX. NICE SHOT. YEAH. PITY I WAS TOO LATE. BARBARA, CAN I HAVE THE GUN BACK, PLEASE? BARBARA, GIVE ME THE GUN AND COME ON. AAH! [RAYGUNS FIRING] ACK ACK ACK ACK. GRANDMA! ACK. [SLIM WHITMAN YODELING FROM STEREO] [SCREAMING] OH, MY GOD. " WHEN I'M CALLIN' YOU-OO " RICHIE, I THINK THESE GUYS ARE VERY SICK. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THEM? WHAT'S KILLING THEM? I THINK IT MUST BE MY MUSIC. HO. SHH. SHH. [WHISPERING] QUIET. [LAUGHING] YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. WELL, YOU CAN'T, YOU SEE, BECAUSE WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, AND WE HAVE THE UNITED STATES ARMY THAT'LL FIGHT YOU TO THE LAST MAN, AND WE'LL NEVER SURRENDER. DO YOU HEAR ME? WE'LL FIGHT YOU ON THE BEACHES. WE'LL FIGHT YOU ON THE STREETS. [VOICE GETTING HIGHER] WE'LL NEVER, NEVER SURRENDER. OLD GLORY WILL WIN. DEMOCRACY WILL SURVIVE. WE WILL NEVER, NEVER SURRENDER. WE WILL WIN. THE EAGLE WILL BE TRIUMPHANT. MMM, NO. ACK ACK. TAKE COVER. LOOK OUT. ACK. WHY... ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY? ISN'T THE UNIVERSE BIG ENOUGH... FOR BOTH OF US? HA HA HA HA. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? WE COULD WORK TOGETHER. WHY BE ENEMIES? BECAUSE WE'RE DIFFERENT? IS THAT WHY? THINK OF THE THINGS THAT WE COULD DO. THINK HOW STRONG WE WOULD BE. EARTH... AND MARS... TOGETHER. THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE COULD NOT ACCOMPLISH. THINK ABOUT IT. THINK ABOUT IT. WHY DESTROY... WHEN YOU CAN CREATE? WE CAN HAVE IT ALL, OR WE CAN SMASH IT ALL. WHY CAN'T WE... WORK OUT OUR DIFFERENCES? WHY CAN'T WE... WORK THINGS OUT? LITTLE PEOPLE... WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST... GET ALONG? ACK. WHAT'S THIS? ACK. ACK ACK. ACK ACK. [YODELING PLAYS ON RADIO] TRANSLATING DEVICE: DON'T RUN. WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. ACK ACK. ACK... DON'T RUN. WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. AAAH! [YODELING] ACK ACK ACK. NEXT STOP, RADIO STATION. OH, THERE IT IS! AAH! LET'S MOVE IT! HERE IT IS. TOM, GO GET IT STARTED. BARBARA, GO WITH HIM. CINDY, COME WITH ME. " OOH OOOOH " " OOH OOOOH OOOH... " OH, TOM...OH... ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN FLY THIS? YEAH, I THINK SO. YEAH. [CLICK] " OOH OOOOH... " WHO PUT THAT ON? [CLICK] IT'S STUCK! CINDY, OVER HERE. OHH... [GASP] [WHISPERING ] CINDY... GET IN THE PLANE. WHAT? I'M STAYING. I'LL DISTRACT THEM. THE FIRST CHANCE YOU GET, YOU TAKE OFF. I'M NOT LEAVING YOU. JUST DO IT. I'LL DRAW THEM AWAY. NOW GO! NO. I SAID GO! OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS HE DOING? HE MUST HAVE FLIPPED. HE'S GOING TO DRAW THEM OFF SO WE CAN ESCAPE. YEAH, BUT WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM. NO WEAPON! NO CLOWN OUTFIT! IT'S ME... BYRON WILLIAMS... HEAVYWEIGHT... CHAMPION... OF THE WORLD! ACK ACK. ACK. ACK ACK ACK. [PRAYING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] [PRAYING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] SOMETHING'S HAPPENED. SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO BYRON. " OOH OOOOH " " OOH OOOOH OOOH " " OOH OOOOH " " OOH OOOOH OOOH " [SLIM WHITMAN ON P.A.] " WHEN I'M CALLING YOU " " OOOH OOH- OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " " WILL YOU ANSWER TRUE? " " OOOH OOH- OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " " THAT MEANS I OFFER MY LOVE TO YOU " " OOOH OOH-OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " [ARF ARF ARF ARF] " THEN I WILL KNOW " " OUR LOVE WILL COME TRUE " " YOU'LL BELONG TO ME " " I'LL BELONG " " TO...YOU, OOOH... " OH! UHH... GOOD-BYE, MY DARLING. I WISH THINGS COULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENT. SO DO I. GOOD-BYE. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, TOO, NATHALIE. [PLAYING THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER] FLORENCE NORRIS, I HEREBY PRESENT TO YOU THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR, THE HIGHEST DECORATION OUR NATION CAN BESTOW. THANK YOU, HONEY, BUT DON'T YOU DARE LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN. RICHARD NORRIS, ON BEHALF OF MY PARENTS, WHO COULDN'T BE HERE TODAY, FOR SAVING THE WORLD FROM THE MARTIANS, I PROUDLY PRESENT TO YOU THE MEDAL OF HONOR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KISS ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. I HAVE TO. UH, I PREPARED A SPEECH. IS THAT ALL RIGHT? SURE. THAT'S VERY APPROPRIATE. HI, EVERYBODY. UH...FIRST I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT-- MAN: COULD YOU SPEAK UP? WE CAN'T HEAR YOU. WELL, I WANTED TO SAY THAT THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD THAT, LIKE, HAVE DONE A LOT MORE THAN I HAVE, AND THEY'RE THE ONES THAT SHOULD BE HERE NOW GETTING A MEDAL. I WANT TO THANK MY GRANDMA FOR ALWAYS BEING SO GOOD TO ME AND... AND FOR HELPING SAVE THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING. SO I GUESS, LIKE, NOW WE JUST HAVE TO START OVER AND START REBUILDING EVERYTHING, LIKE OUR HOUSES, AND... BUT I WAS THINKING MAYBE INSTEAD OF HOUSES, WE COULD LIVE IN TEEPEES, 'CAUSE...IT'S BETTER IN A LOT OF WAYS. OK, THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. THANKS. WAS THAT OK? YEAH. DO YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND? NO. GUYS, COME ON, GIVE ME A BREAK. GO ON IN THERE AND START CLEANING UP. I CAN'T DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF. PLEASE? LOOK AT YOU. [SCREEE] [INTRO TO IT'S NOT UNUSUAL] YEAH. " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE " " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO HAVE FUN WITH ANYONE " " BUT WHEN I SEE YOU HANGING ABOUT WITH ANYONE " " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO SEE ME CRY " " I WANNA DIE " " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO GO OUT AT ANYTIME " " BUT WHEN I SEE YOU OUT AND ABOUT, IT'S SUCH A CRIME " " BUT IF I EVER FIND THAT YOU CHANGED AT ANY TIME " " IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO FIND THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, WHOA WHOA WHOA-WHOA-WHOAA " " WHOA WHOA...OHH OHH " " WHOA WHOA, OH-OH-OH-OHH, WHOA WHOA... " CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS. CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC. PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE SLIM WHITMAN: " WHEN I'M CALLING YOU " " OOOH OOH-OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " " WILL YOU ANSWER TRUE? " " OOOH OOH-OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " " THAT MEANS I OFFER MY LOVE TO YOU " " TO BE YOUR ALL " " IF YOU REFUSE ME, I WILL BE BLUE " " I'M WAITING ALL ALONE " " BUT IF WHEN YOU HEAR MY LOVE CALL RINGIN' CLEAR " " OOOH OOH-OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " " AND I HEAR YOUR ANSWERING ECHO SO DEAR " " OOOH OOH-OOH-OOOH, OOH-OOH-OOOOH OOOH " " THEN I WILL KNOW " " OUR LOVE WILL COME TRUE " " YOU'LL BELONG TO ME " " I'LL BELONG... " " TO...YOU, OOOH "