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Cap'n crunch was never in the navy, he was in the army. IT wasn't in the eighteen hundreds as his outfit would suggest, it was during WWII.
Cap'n crunch wasn't a captain, he was a sergeant, and his name is Jaekel, Sgt. Jaekel.
The real secret to the marketing, and eventual success of the cereal wasn't the taste (as would be apparent to anyone who has ever eaten it), but the prizes.
The toy prize in cereal, some people (mistakenly), believe it was an idea stolen from crackerjacks.
The prizes in crackerjacks derive from the ancient hungarian tradition of placing
Childrens toys in boxes of only vaguely indentifiable substances which have the texture of glue coated dirt clods, and taste like goat manure, but with peanuts.
Cap'n crunch was, in fact, the first cereal to place toys in it's packages, and the Cap'n got the idea during the war.
Cap'n crunch (Sgt. Jaekel), was part of the battalion which liberated the dachau, and later, buchenwald, concentration camps.
The populations of both these camps included captured allied soldiers, and the red cross was allowed to air drop supplies to them (watch hogan's heroes chester, learn yer history)
These packages were allowed to include food, and hygiene products, but nothing else. In order to circumvent this, and give the soldiers tools they could use in an escape plan, they placed them in boxes of cereal.
Sadly, those stinkin' jews always stole the packages before the soldiers could find, or make use of the supplies.
But, because the jews loved being in the concentration camps, they would only use the blowtorches, shovels, files, and etc, to make pornographic sculptures and the cereal boxes were highly sought after.
When his unit arrived at the camps, the Cap'n noticed the popularity of the cereal, and couldn't figure it out.
It was only shredded wheat, and people were eagerly trading steaks for boxes of cereal, i mean, shredded wheat fer chrissakes, it's like rolled up floor mats.
The cap'n, examined one such box of cereal, and discovered the hidden contents, he figured this was a jewish tradition, and thought little else of it.
Until, twelve years later, he was working for the post cereal company as a janitor.
One night, he was cleaning the executive offices as the company president was arguing with the ceo over how to improve their lagging sales, the cap'n, ever quick to sieze an opportunity, (and to have seizures) told them about his experience during the war.
They dismissed his idea, and told him the johns were backing up on the third floor, so, hop to.
In the background of this conversation, however was one Gus v. Janewitz, a company v.p. who happened to be a holocaust surviver, and was waiting to turn his letter of resignation in to the president that night.
Gus looked up Jaekel the very next day, and together, the two of them started their own cereal company. Sadly, success would elude them for quite some time.
The cereal recieved early fame, because of it's unique marketing strategy, originally called "Jew flakes"
it's first slogan was "fuck hitler, have some cereal shlomo" The cereal was, however, crap, literal crap, collected from area farms, then dried, and pressed into flakes. And the original prizes were all related to jewishness,
dreidels, menorrahs, chanukka decorations, and booklet on how to crucify other people's saviors. Four years after it's inception, Gus sold his share of the company to Jaekel, and bought an adult bookstore.
Jaekel set about making changes immediately, he changed the prizes to toys for children, and sometimes, guns and porn, for children. Another dismal five years passed before he decided to change the cereal itself, he set about designing it personally.
starting with a base of sugar, he added other ingredients, such as heroin, radioisotopes, various neuro toxins, and keeping alive the tradition, crap.
Upon tasting the first batch, he went completely insane, and started dressing, and acting like a gay eighteen hundred era british sea captain, calling himself Cap'n Crunch.
The marketing department decided to use this personal tradgedy, and so, Cap'n Crunch, as we know it was born.
