ARIES:(MAR.21-APR.19)
Fulfill Social obligations cheerfully, because you know your friends are laughing at you behind your back and you don't want to let those assholes know that they can piss you off.

TAURUS:(APR.20-MAY 20)
Before you start criticezing others, ask yourself, "am I perfect?", because you know damned well that you aren't. Forgive your sweetie for his or her cheating, because you know that you have a deadly weapon and a shovel and that nobody will miss that bitch and/or bastard.

GEMINI: (MAY 21-JUNE21)
Socialize this afternoon, try and find a new "special friend", because this weekind your special someone is going to drop you faster than a good habit. You never know, your neighbors may be plotting against you. You enjoy tackling home repairs, but hire someone to do the outdoor work, there will be a good chance of snipers. Also, see if you can get the guy to wear some of your clothes, that way you might not have to pay the motherfucker.

CANCER:(JUNE22-JULY22)
Your creativity is a source of great personal pride and family shame. Children crave your undivided attention, and they want to please you too, but remember, that's illegal, and if you let them you are one sick motherfucker.

LEO:(JULY23-AUG.22)
Your home is particularly cozy, because unlike you Gemini counterpart you have highly fortified your home with ammunition, and you have black-mail on all your neighbors hidden in a safety-deposit box with orders that the contents be disclosed to the police, FBI, ATF, IRS, and the catholic church in the unlikely event of your death.

VIRGO:(AUG.23-SEP.22)
Interesting people want to steal your shit. Feeling sorry for yourself is not the answer. Channelling all your emotions into finding and "neutralizing" these bitches that want to steal your shit is the answer. Someone you meet today would like to kill you.

LIBRA:(SEP.23-OCT.23)
People show you gratitude to avoid being bitch-slapped. Be content that you ate a good person, and stop asking the prostitutes how you could be better. A common hatred bonds you and your mate.

SCORPIO:(OCT.24-NOV.21)
A newcomer at work wants to steal your job. Let your creativity emerge in a twisted, ritualistic suicide.

SAGITTARIUS:(NOV.22-DEC.21)
Extravagant behavior may lead to a venereal desease. Don't trust that freaky bitch and/or bastard, ask to see the results of the STD test.

CAPRICORN:(DEC.22-JAN.19)
Your in-laws no longer want you dead, but other than that you're pretty much fucked.

AQUARIUS:(JAN.20-FEB.18)
You're fucked worse than Capricorn.

PISCES:(FEB.19-MAR.20)
An ex-lover offers a truce. If you ignore it, he is capable of truly fucking you up financially, emotionally, and relationship wise. Ignoring the ex-lover will lead to a cosmic and karmik bitch-slap by the dark forces of evil embodying the midget, pink and pleasant, purple polka-dot, flying circus-elephants, disguised as housecats.