ࡱ>    !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?@ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ[\]^_`abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz{|}~Root Entry FAA1WordDocument WCompObj^ to do with me?] [Masters:The pod you're in now is a spacecraft. It will launch, and convey you to my orbiting space station, from there, you will recieve further instructions. In the meantime, prepare for launch, and enjoy the honey roasted peanuts provided for your convienence. In the event that the spacecraft crashes before reaching the station---tough luck. Thank you for being our guinea pig! Have a nice flight! HAHAHAHA! Whooo...] [Dr. Masters presses a button on a console, and a door in roof opens. He presses another, and the rocket pod shoots into the air.] [Masters:HHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAGHHH---*cough*-Ha!] [Scene shows the rocket pod zooming through the sky, Josh's voice is heard over the noise....] [Josh:THESE PEANUTS ARE EXPIRRRRRRRRRED!] [Scene shifts to space, the rocket pod is seen approaching a large bone-shaped space station, docking into a port on the left side.] [Josh staggers out of the airlock, into a corridor. Behind him, the airlock closes, and the pod disengages, heading back towards Earth.] [Josh wanders through a door, and finds himself in a control room. There's a console with three buttons, one red, one yellow, and one blue. There's also a hexagon-shaped door, immediately behind him.] [Josh:I've wandered into some kind of Ecclesiastical disco bar!] [The red button begins flashing.] [Josh presses it. A viewscreen to his left opens, showing the face of Dr. Masters.] [Masters:Hello, Graham. Let me brief you on your status. I am using you, as a test subject, in a plan to take over the world. Any questions?] [Josh:Does this involve bringing tomatoes to life?] [Masters:No. I am going to expose you to bad media--] [Josh:You mean like broken CD-ROMs?] [Masters:No. Like cheesy movies, fanfiction, and the like.I will monitor your mental reactions, until I find one that drives you insane, which I will use to take over the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ha..ha. *Ahem.* Now, then, here's the deal. This space station is equipped with a theater, which is right through a series of six doors, behind that hexagonal one, there. When you get this signal--] [Alarms on the station sound, and red lights flash, and then stop.] [Masters:You will go to the theater, and watch your media, post-haste.] [Josh:Ummm, why should I? What're YOU gonna do from down there?] [Masters:Because, those lights warn you, that in ten seconds, all oxygen will be drained from every part of the station except the theater.] [Josh:Okay, good reason...] [Masters:Yes, I thought so, too. Of course, by and by, I'll be sending up other test subjects to join you--although total morons who'll fall for "Look way over there!" are hard to come by, I'm sure I can find some.] [Josh:Hey!] [Masters:Well, let's get started, shall we? Your media, today is HIGHLANDER, a wonderfully bad film about grumpy old scottish men chopping heads! Enjoy!] [Alarms sound and lights flash.] [Josh:MEDIA SIGN! AHHHH!] [Josh runs into the theater.] [Hex...6...5...4...3...2...1...] HIGHLANDER [Josh:Oh, geeze...] Screenplay by Gregory Widen [Josh:And Jack Thindown.] and Peter Bellwood & Larry Ferguson February 6, 1985 [Josh:A day that will live in infamy...] FADE IN: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York Rangers v. Edmonton Oilers. [Josh(Canadian)Ya we're just gonna nip down to New York, there, and kick some yank tail, then.] 15,000 screaming fans leap to their feet. [Josh:(chuckling)What, someone put tacks on the seats?] Gretsky steals the puck, streaks across the ice, [Josh:The lastest craze: nude hockey!] beats two defenders, shoots and scores. Oilers 6, Rangers 0. Oiler fans bellow approval [Josh(loudly, deep voice)That's a fine score! Good score on that!] One silent SPECTATOR, in overcoat, slacks and scarf, stands out in the crowd, unmoved by the din. He is: [Josh:A New York fan!] ܥe#  CW@,Vl,VlVV V a(VVVTV=La MS Sans Serif Symbol0Courier NewTimes New RomanTimes New Roman[Fade in.] [Scene shows a man cleaning up around a large soundstage. There are piles of old papers, filmstrips, and other miscellaneous items laying around. The man is of average height, has rather unkempt hair, and is wearing a labcoat.] [Man:(grumbling)Kick me out of Yale, will they! Ha! I'l show them. As soon as I've converted this soundstage into a laboratory, I will...er...I will...do something, I don't know, yet... Maybe sponsor a boy-band...] [He continues cleaning, picking up a large stack of papers. He drops them into a trash bin, but one, having an old peice of gum on it, sticks to his hand.] [Man:Arrrgh! Cursed gum-chewers! Hey, what's this?] [He holds up the pamphlet. On it, in large letters, it reads "HOW I WILL RULE THE WORLD! By Clayton and Pearl Forrester."] [Man:Hmmm...rule the word...] [He opens the pamphlet, and looks through it.] [Man:Catch a man...mmm-hmm...launch him into space...send him cheesy movies, preferably the worst you can find...have to sit and watch them all, monitor his mind...once you've found the movie that can make him beg for mercy you can...] [He looks up from the pamphlet, an awed and triumphant expression on his face.] [Man:...use it to take over the world!] [He begins laughing, and re-opens the pamhplet.] [Man:Let's see, equipment...one orbiting space habitation...hahaha...this is perfect...one media sending machine...] [The scene zooms slowly out from the man, until it shows instead the whole soundstage building, then the entire abandoned movie lot, all the while with maniacal laughter echoing through the night...] [Fade out.] [Fade in.] [Screen Text:6 months later...] [Scene shows a young man, dressed in a shirt and tie, walking up to the soundstage entrance. He pauses, and knocks on the door.] [The door opens, revealing the same unkempt-looking man from the previous sequence.] [Young Man:Hi, I'm Josh Graham, I'm from the computer systems help agency you called. You're having trouble with your system, Mr....?] [Man(grabs Josh's hand, and shakes it vigorously):DOCTOR, my dear boy. Dr. Frederick Q. Masters. Please, come right in!] [Dr. Masters violently jerks Josh through the door, and slams it behind him.] [Scene shows Josh and Masters walking through the soundstage, now filled with all kinds of electronic gadgets, computer consoles, and lots of those Radio Shack sunlamps they always use in Mad Scientist's lairs.] [Josh:The information sheet said this place was a pharmacy...] [Masters:We're...ah...homeopathic-herbal.] [Josh:Oh.] [Dr. Masters leads Josh by the arm to an iMAC sitting on a table.] [Masters:This is my iMAC. I can't get it to work.] [Josh:Okay...well, see, here's the problem.*he kneels down, and puts the iMAC's plug in the wall socket, then turns back to Masters* It wasn't plugged in.] [Masters:Of course...*chuckle* how SILLY of me! Thank you very much, Mr. Graham. One more thing, though.] [Josh:What?] [Masters(pointing to the left):Look way over there.] [Josh turns and looks left.] [Dr. Masters picks up a large hammer, and knocks Josh on the head with it.] [Josh collapses onto the floor.] [Masters:BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That was easier than the pamphlet suggested! The world will be mine in no time! Now, to get him up into orbit!] [Fade out.] [Fade in.] [Scene shows Josh, waking up inside a windowed metal pod.] [Masters:Ah, you're awake, Graham! Good!] [Josh:Huh? W-What's going on?!] [Masters:You're about to become part of an experiment in world conquest.] [Josh:What? I'm human being! You can't use me for a lab rat! I'm a unique individual with personal freedoms, and stuff! Ummm...so, any benefits?] [Masters:Full health and dental.] [Josh:Alright! Yeah! Er, I mean, NO!] [Masters:Sorry, Graham. You have no choice! I've got the whole mad-scientist thing goin' on, and I do stuff like this!] [Josh:What are you going CONNER MACLEOD An aura of power and charisma sets him apart. His hypnotic eyes watch Ranger defenders slam Gretsky into the wall, punching and kicking him. [Josh(Conner)Heheh, I love using mind control on the hockey players!] SHOUTING PLAYERS storm onto the ice STICKS SWING IN A BRUTAL FREE-FOR-ALL. The crowd CHEERS. A DRUNK WHOOPS at the silent man. [Josh:(drunkenly)I'll cheer for you instead, Conner...] DRUNK Helluva fight, ain'it? Helluva fight. [Josh:(Drunk)All them red alien women, fighting with the pink elephants, and the floating donkeys, whatta sight!] Lotta fun, ain'it? [Josh:(Conner)What, beating annoying drunks to death?] Oblivious, Macleod watches the battle. In his mind, the STICK-WIELDING PLAYERS BECOME: [Josh:Stick-wielding nude supermodels!] CUT TO: 15TH CENTURY HIGHLANDERS WIELDING BROADSWORDS [Josh:Early hockey was a tad more violent...] CLASHING in battle. Mountains tower over rocks and heather. [Josh(girl's voice)Hi, I'm Heather, the mountains are bigger than me!] WHINNYING HORSES, agonized CRIES, RINGING steel, SKIRLING PIPES. [Josh:(drug addled scottish voice):Lad, quick, quit skirling your pipe, I think that priest over there is a narc!] DRUNK V.O. Let's go belt somebody, then i buy you a drink. Whaddya say? [Josh(Conner)Hey, he knows the scottish national pastime!] CUT TO: HOCKEY STICKS CLASHING IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN [Josh:I'll just assume, for the moment, that they're being operated by people.] in the riot on the ice. Concentrating, MacLeod scans the crowd. Like a predator catching a scent, he leaves swiftly. The Drunk yells after him. DRUNK Hey! Where ya goin'? [Josh(Drunk)Well, fine! You're not the only prospective drunken brawler in the sea! Your loss, man...] CUT TO: MACLEOD striding past rows of cars. FOOTSTEPS ECHOING in the Garden's underground garage. MacLeod senses a presence. It's very close. [Josh:It's a '67 Impala...it is calling him.] Suddenly, a MAN's silhouette appears in a tunnel, blocking his path, breath steaming in the artic air. [Josh:What, is he carrying a portable humidifier?] MAN MacLeod. [Josh(Conner):Ah, MAN! We meet again!] A huge sword appears in the Man's hands. He swings. MacLeod sidesteps, drawing a weapon from inside his coat. A Samurai sword, carved handguard, razor-sharp, feather-light. [Josh:From the description, that sword's better suited to some kind of japanese ritual shaving ceremony...] The Man's overhead slams onto concrete, ripping up hunks of stone. MacLeod fans his blade. [Josh:(Conner)Cool off, there, sword! You have to pace yourself!] MACLEOD AND THE MAN"S SWORDS clang in the tunnel, pulverizing cars, gouging columns in showers of brilliant sparks. [Josh:They had decided to meet after the Ranger's game, for a bit of elaborate competitive vandalism...] Running Feet, Shouting VOICES, distant SIRENS. [Josh:A poem by Maya Angelou.] His opponent is outmatched. Surging forward: MACLEOD cuts off the Man's head. A shimmering energy surges between the corpse and MacLeod. MacLeod starts to glow. The garage is crackling. Windshields EXPLODE. SIRENS closer. VOICE O.S. [Josh:The all-new Voice OS/2, a last desperate attempt from IBM...] Over here -- ! Samurai sword in hand, MacLeod sprints off, swallowed by the dark. People SHOUT. [Josh:(crowd member)Uh, yay? I dunno.] CUT TO: MACLEOD racing through the garage. Behind him, a woman screams. Desperate, he hides his weapon in a roof duct hidden by tiles, driving it out of sight. [Josh:(Conner)Ha! There, the perfect crime!] In the arena above, New York scores. The CROWD CHEERS. The SOUND DISTORTS, becoming -- CUT TO: CHEERING VILLAGERS LINING A ROAD [Josh(Crowd Member)WOOO! Yeah! We've transported back in time! Go Oilers!] Loch Shiel, Scottish Highlands, 1536. Glamis castle towers over thatched huts by the shore. A DRAWBRIDGE CRASHES down like thunder, skirling BAG- PIPES and DRUMS. [Josh:Faulty drawbridge chains claim millions of lives each year, don't let THIS happen to YOU!] THE CLAN MACLEOD [Josh:Official motto: Drunk since 1142.] Two hundred strong, rides out to battle, tartan cloaks, bronze shields, claymores flashing in the sun. [Josh(Clansman)We'll give them a good belting, and then I'll buy ye a drink, in the tradition of our ancestors!] Hatchet-faced FATHER RAINEY chants prayers. [Josh:(Rainey)PLEASE don't let them get drunk before the battle, PLEASE don't let them get drunk before the battle...] FATHER RAINEY God bless our brave heroes. May this year of Our Lord 1536 bring victory to the Clan Macleod. [Josh:(Rainey)Barring that, may the Lord at least bring us some fine whiskey.] VILLAGERS (cheering) Death and damnation to the Fraziers! [Josh:Hey, I don't like Kelsey Grammer either, but that's a little too far!] Long live the Clan MacLeod! Riding in the column: CONNER MACLEOD [Josh:(Announcer)Followed by Sammy Sosa, and the man himself, Barry White!] The ice hockey spectator, 466 years earlier. The same age but rough-hewn, not yet possessing the quiet strength of later years. Eyes alight, huge claymore sword strapped to his side. Carved into the blade, the single word: MACLEOD [Josh:So their swords will be easily interchangeable, I guess...] Riding with him, two older clansmen: DUGAL, his cousin, short, arms like trees, and ANGUS, bulky and bearded. Dugal shouts over the din. [Josh(Dugal)Hey, my arms are sprouting too many leaves, can I get some clippers, here?] DUGAL Are you scared, Conner? MACLEOD (lying) No, cousin Dugal. I'm not. [Josh(Dugal)Ah, well, okay, just as long as you're lying about it, then.] ANGUS (to MacLeod) Don't talk rubbish, lad. I peed my kilt the first time I rode to battle. [Josh(Angus)Come t'think of it, I peed my kilt every following time.] DUGAL (to MacLeod) Ah, Angus pees his kilt all the time. [Josh:Wow, can I call 'em, or what?] MacLeod laughs, hiding his nervousness. [Josh(Conner, nervously)Heh-heh...yeah, pee...heheheh...] A pretty girl, KATE, races down the column holding high a bouquet. [Josh(Kate)Hey, we were supposed to get married, remember? Get back here!] MacLeod sweeps her up. She plants the flowers in his hat. [Josh:After placing a good six inches of soil and manure in his hat, hoeing his hat painstakingly, and consulting her local nursery, she plants the flowers in his hat...] She jumps down excitedly. [Josh(Kate)Are you gonna kill some guys, huh, huh, are ya, are ya?] DUGAL (continuing; to MacLeod) A girl like that can wound a soldier more than a Frazier's sword, my friend. [Josh(Conner)Don't I know it, I tried to touch her, one time...] KATE Angus, you and Dugal bring him back in one piece. D'you hear? DUGAL We know which piece you want, lassie. [Josh(Kate)Good, so long as we understand each other!] Yell from Angus. DRUMS and BAGPIPES. CUT TO: THE KURGAN [JOSH:Wow, you mean *THE* KURGAN? The one and *THE* AND ONLY *THE* KURGAN? WHOA!] standing on a hill, watching the Clan MacLeod advance into the gathering moorish fog below. The Kurgan is a frightening hulk astride a massive black stallion. Flashing eyes and a cruel mouth. [JOSH:(Cop voice)Turn the brights on your eyes down, there, please, sir.] Frazier chief MURDOCH gallops up. [JOSH:For now, I'll just assume he galloped up ON HORSEBACK...] KURGAN Is the one called Conner among them? MURDOCH Aye. [Josh:(Murdoch)Ah went down there, and asked them all their names. They were good sports about it, too.] KURGAN Remember our pact. The boy is mine. [Josh(Murdoch)Agreed, if we win the battle, I'll apoint ye as Conner's legal guardian.] Murdoch nods. He fears this giant. FROM BELOW can be heard the BATTLE CRIES and frenzied BAGPIPES of the MacLeod and Frazier clans. [Josh(holds the sides of his head)Frenzied bagpipes are unpleasant things...] MURDOCH. It's begun. Death to the MacLeods! They charge. [Josh(deadpan)They ran right out there. The horror.] CUT TO: THE BATTLE OF LOCH SHIEL, 1536 [Josh:It boggles the mind to think they're fighting over some place named "Loch Shiel"...] MacLeods and Frazers collide in fury. Raging carnage. Fog slowly moving in. [Josh:Now, here's that guy from the parking garage, with his humidifier---no wonder Conner wanted him dead!] MacLeod, Dugal and Angus in the thick of it. MacLeod tries to engage the enemy. Each time they avoid him. [Josh(as Frazier clansman)Whoaaaaaaa, that guy reeks!] Dugal's helpless beneath three Frazers. Flying from the saddle, Angus kills two of them. The third bolts. [Josh:I see why they need Kurgan's help. Three-to-one odds in their favor scare them.] Gradually, the fog makes it impossible to see more than a few yards. Each man's battle is his own, hopelessly separated from the battling clansmen around them. [Josh:Eventually, the battle breaks up, and they start a whiskey mine.] Wild-eyed, MacLeod leaps off his horse, hauling Dugal up. MACLEOD (shouting) Nobody will fight me! They all run away! [Josh:(Conner, sniveling)No one even will fight ME, but YOU even got to be brutally wounded! It's not fair!] DUGAL (grinning) Great, laddie. Stay by me. [Josh:(Dugal)I could use a human sheild.] Suddenly, they see: [Josh:I thought it was foggy?] A HULKING GIANT ON A BLACK STALLION [Josh:That sounds like a Baskin Robbins flavor...] thundering down on them, sword wheeling, an unstoppable juggernaut, butchering everything in his path. [Josh:(Kurgan)Ha! Butchered a mole! Ha! Butchered that bush! Ha! Butchered that rock! Butchered some moss! Ha!] It's the Kurgan [Josh:THE Kurgan!] MACLEOD (transfixed) Mother of God -- ! [Josh:No, it's Kurgan, not the Virgin Mary! Wake up, MacLeod!] He feels dizzy. The Kurgan knocks Dugal senseless, disintegrating MacLeod's shield. [Josh:What, with his Destructo-Kurgan-beams?] Snarling, he vaults from his horse, driving his blade deep into MacLeod's stomach. [Josh:Early gastro-intestinal exams were very uncomfortable!] Mortally wounded, MacLeod drops to his knees, vainly swinging at the ghastly specter. The Kurgan swats away his sword as though it were a toothpick. Relishing the moment, he raises his blade high, voice grating in triumph [Josh:Screeching in victory, grinding in the thrill of winning...] KURGAN There can be only one. [Josh:One what?] MacLeod is helpless. Time hangs suspended. Lost in the blackness of the Kurgan's eyes, he prepares to meet his maker. [Josh(Conner)I'm coming to meet ye, oh mighty Greg Widen!] At the last second, Dugal, Angus and others appear, [Josh:(Dugal)Ha! Ye may be immortal, but we Scotsmen can materialize out of thin air!] pile-driving the Kurgan back over dying clansmen. KURGAN Another time, Highlander. Life ebbing, MacLeod groans, staring at the sky. [Josh:(Conner)What a hunk...] CUT TO: POLICE CRUISERS SCREECHING to a halt outside the Garden, SIRENS DYING, blocking the exit tunnel. Cops pile out, guns drawn, GARFIELD and HAGGERTY in charge. [Josh(Garfield)Haggerty, you check it out. I'll eat lasagna, sleep, and watch TV.] Headlights appear. A BMW crests the ramp at 60, sees the block, SQUEALS to a smoking stop. Cops take aim. [Josh:BMW, the car of immortality!] HAGGERTY (shouting) Get out of the car! Put your hands on the hood. (nothing) Move -- ! MacLeod obeys. They frisk him. Garfield finds a wallet, checks a license: [Josh:(Garfield)Do you KNOW the penalty for possesion of a valid driver's liscense, in New York? We're talkin' hard time, here, pal.] MacLeod's photo, name and address: RUSSELL EDWIN NASH [Josh(fanboy voice)The acronym for his name is "Ren"! Coincidence? I don't THINK so!] 1182 HUDSON STREET NEW YORK, NY 10013 Garfield shines a light in the suspect's eyes. They seem bottom- less, unafraid. [Josh:(Garfield)Do you KNOW what the penalty for bottomless eyes is, in New York?] GARFIELD Where you going in such a hurry, Mr. Nash? [Josh:(Conner)I'm off to shake me brohgue at a patron!] Garfield grabs his arm. trying to handcuff him. Bad idea. [Josh:Thank you, screenwriter, we don't need commentary.] MacLeod hurls him away. Garfield falls on his ass. [Josh:And BOING! He bounces right back up again.] A ton of cops swamp MacLeod, [Josh:(chuckling)With all the available donut shops in NYC, a ton of cops is probably about three cops...] slamming his face into the wind- shield. Enraged, Garfield staggers up, jamming his .45 into MacLeod's neck. [Josh(Garfield)Whoops, that sunk in up to the trigger guard! Too hard?] GARFIELD Don't move, asshole. Don't even breathe. [Josh(Garfield)I have more overused cop cliches trained on you, and I'm not afraid to use them!] Another cruiser arrives. It's DYING SIREN becomes -- [Josh:A siren angel, in siren heaven!] CUT TO: A LONE PIPER ON GLAMIS CASTLE TURRET [Josh:He's manning the castle's machine gun turret...?] His mournful LAMENT rising to the stars bove [Josh:I'm a BAGPIPER! Why did I have to be born a BAGPIPER?!] CUT TO: MACLEOD breathing his last on a trestle bed in a hut, torso bandaged. Fire crackles in a hearth. Kate kneels by the bed. Battle- scarred, Dugal and Angus stand by. [Josh:(Dugal)We did get that peice back to ye, lass...heh..heh. Heh...] FATHER RAINEY In nomine patri, et fili et spiritus sancti. Amen. [Josh:He just ordered the $10.95 shimp platter special from God.] (leaving) [Josh(Rainey)Well, nine words. That's enough for anyone. Bye.] It is over. Other men are dying this day. I must attend them. Kate collapses, weeping. Dugal and Angus drag her away. [Josh(Dugal)Look, I know he's not dead yet, but you have to pick one of us, so get it over with!] ANGUS He's a Highlander, by God. The last sound he hears shall not be a wailing woman. [Josh:(Dugal)Hand me some strangling wire!] They leave. Flickering shadows. MacLeod's ;abored [Josh:His breathing didn't stop, it just got bored?] breathing slowly fades. [Film stops.] [Josh:Hey, it's over!] [Masters' voice echoes from bridge:Not quite, I'm just pulling you out to see how you've fared so far.] [Josh:Oh...] [Josh gets up, and walks out of the theater.] [1...2...3...4...5...6...Hex.] [Josh on bridge, the table is strewn with wires, chips, and electronic components.] [Red light fashes. Josh presses the light, and goes back to working.] [Scene goes to Masters.] [Dr. Masters:Graham...what are you doing?] [Scene shows Josh screwing what looks like a green gumball machine on top of a barrel.] [Josh:Building robots.] [Scene goes to Masters.] [Dr. Masters:What? Building robots out of what?] [Scene goes to Josh.] [Josh:(is attaching what looks like slinkys to the sides of the barrel)Oh, I went to trappedinspace.com, where I read some old articles by this guy, Joel Robinson. He gave detailed instructions on how to build "robot pals" out of useless components from your space habitation. I jerked this stuff out of the wall, over there, and the rest I got from sweetys.com, Empire toys, and the Tupperware corporation. They ship anywhere, including Earth high orbit.] [Scene shifts to Dr. Masters.] [Dr. Masters:(shaking his fists)GRAHAM! You idiot! Those "useless" components were the media controls! Now you can no longer control when the media begins or ends!] [Scene shows Josh with three moving robots behind him.] [Josh:I could control it before?] [Scene shifts to Dr. Masters] [Dr. Masters:OF COURSE! *gets a thoughtful expression* Now why the festering hell was I going to let you do that? Ha! Well, you've made my task all the more easy, Graham! Now -I- control the horizontal, the vertical, and all other related aspects of your life, as I soon will all living things. -I- still can control the media!] [Scene shifts to Josh and Robots.] [Josh is soldering a few connections inside the gumball robot, "Sure, whatever you say, Dr. M. Okay, let's see, just connect this AGP sarcasm chip, solder in the conciousness circuit, annnnd....done!] [The robot begins moving more.] [Robot:Hey, I'm alive! Wow, existance rocks!] [Josh:I will call you Eli, because I made you from...uh...no, wait it doesn't make any sense, does it? I'll call you Eli because I feel like it. You're a Servo, Series-B "automaton".] [Eli:Hey, watch it, I've never even THOUGHT about another guy!] [Josh:Oooooookay...let me just activate your counterpart here.] [Josh leans over, and solders a few connections on the back of the silver robot, and closes the panel. "Done!"] [The silver robot opens it's eyes, and says in a deep-to-high "powering-up" tone "Hellllllllllllllllllllllo, Freddy!] [Josh:I will call you Joe. And this time, I have a good reason--] [Scene cuts to Masters.] [Dr. Masters:My plan is progressing quite well, already he's giving names to his machines! Soon he'll name all his appliances, his individual socks...] [Scene goes back to Josh and the 'bots.] [Josh:--Anyway, you're a Joke-Oriented Entity, JOE, for short, JOE T. Robot, A "T. Robot", Series-B.] [Joe:Thanks for the identity, Josh.] [Josh:HA! Well, Masters, I guess you're pretty "mad" now! I'VE got a pair of hyper intelligent robots, who will be able to help me escape from this place, and there's nothing you can do about it.] [Scene cuts to Masters.] [Dr. Masters:Do I look worried, Graham? Look behind you.] [Scene cuts back to station, where Eli and Joe are tossing around a box of Cheezits, scattering cheese crackers everywhere.] [Eli:HA! I have officially made a bigger mess than you!] [Joe:(bows)I accept defeat, noble warrior...] [Josh:But--but I need you guys to do maintenance, you know, robot stuff. Obey my commands, warn me when Dr. Smith's up to something, polish the floor.] [Eli:Stuff it, Josh!] [Joe:Yeah, Graham, do we look like your personal Dirt Devils? Get a life.] [Josh:Fortunately, I built another robot---you guys looked like you'd go horribly wrong--(he sets a pink, large-headed robot, with a black tube trailing from it's head on the table, and activates it.)] [Robot:Look at this place! Clean that up! NOW!] [Eli and Joe run around, vaccuming Cheezits, tossing the box into a waste- basket.] [Eli:Yes ma'am!] [Joe:Right away, ma'am!] [Eli:(singing)You load sixteen tons, whaddya get...] [Josh:(proudly)Cindy Robot, Gypsy, Series-B. Fortunately, I also read Joel Robinson's "Tips for a Well-Adjusted Robot Family".] [Cindy:Yeah, I'll handle the maintenance--since I'm the only competant being on this station.] [Josh:Hey!] [Scene goes to Masters.] [Dr. Masters:Yes...that robot will stay and do maintenance--should've thought of that myself--however, I think I'll send your two other piles of refuse into the theater with you. If they refuse, I'll do something unmentionable to them.] [Scene goes to Station.] [Joe:WHOAAAA, unmentionable? I'm for the theater...] [Josh:(warningly)Joe...! What's with him?] [Eli:Well, looks like we're in this for the long haul with you, Josh.] [Alarms sound and lights flash.] [Joe:So, let's HAUL IT into the theater!] [Josh:Media sign! Through the doors!] [Josh, Eli, and Joe enter the theater.] [Cindy:If you spill soda on the floor, you're dead bots!] [Hex...6...5...4...3...2...1] [Josh enters theater, carrying Eli. They take their seats.] CUT TO: LIEUTENANT FRANK MORAN, HOMICIDE [Eli:Frank Moron?] [Josh:You'll learn not to be surprised by this movie, guys.] In the garage under the Garden, breathing hard. Bulky, in raincoat and hat, six months to pension. With him: DETECTIVE WALTER BEDSOE [All chuckle.] [Eli:Now there HAS to be something funny about that...] Honest, tough, not a million miles deep. [Joe:But several miles THICK...] At their feet, the Man's torso. Further away, the head. TV crews jostle under lights. Fans shout behind barricades -- when can they get their goddamn cars? [Josh(Garfield)Hey, do you feel lucky, punks? Make my day! Suck wall! Ha, I can keep them back with cop cliches all day, if need be!] BRENDA WYATT Forensics, sexy in jeans, boots and windbreaker, [Eli:A complete dog in any other kind of outfit.] shoves through the crowd, ducking the barrier. She carries bags of equipment. [Joe(Brenda)Okay, I brought your doughnuts and beer, now what?] JACK LEBOWSKY, Coroner's office, wild hair, pasty- faced, takes flash shots, unfazed by the grisly scene. [Eli:Hey, you think maybe he's the Big Lebowsk--] [Josh:No!] Brenda joins Moran. [Joe:Wow, that came out of nowhere! NYPD LOOOOOOVE!] [Josh(warningly)Joe...!] BRENDA Damn it, Frank. Forensics is supposed to be notified the same time as Homicide. [Eli:(Brenda)We got here almost TEN MINUTES after you, you sonuva...] (noticing corpse) What a mess. MORAN This one came unassembled. [Josh:(Moran)Now we need paint and model cement...] Lebowsky laughs. BRENDA (to Moran) Did you make an arrest? [Joe(Moran)What? Oh, hell no! Turned out he was an Oilers fan!] MORAN Yeah. An antique dealer named Nash on Hudson Street. [Eli:His name's "Nash on Hudson Street"?] [Josh:(Moran)Or Basil of Baker Street. I just brutalize the suspects, I don't question them.] She moves away: ANOTHER ANGLE [Joe:Heyyyyyy! Now, that's--] [Josh:I won't tell you again, Joe.] [Josh looks at computer printout: "Well, see, there it is, in boldface. Robinson says that T. Robot Series 'bots will constantly have lewd comments, but there is a temporary remedy, to be applied once per movie...okay, got it.] Frowning, she examines a row of cars, confounded by the blitzed windshields. What the hell happened? [Eli:The blizted windshields laughed, they knew her mind was in their power!] [Joe:The dented fenders were only biding their time...] BESIDE THE BODY [Josh:Does that REALLY need a location change?] Lebowsky takes final shots, winking at Bedsoe. [Joe:(Lebowsky)We'll take some OTHER kinds of pictures later, eh, Bedsoe?] [Josh whacks the back of Joe's head, sending him sprawling onto the theater floor.] [Josh:There we go, remedy applied!] [Joe(from floor)Okay, I had it coming...] LEBOWSKY (to Moran) How come you're not asking me the cause of death, Frank? Bedsoe chuckles. [Josh(Bedsoe)Oh, something's funny.] MORAN Cut the crap, Lebowsky. [Eli:(Moran)Then cut some cheese and tomato, slap it on a kaiser roll, and we'll have a New York deli sandwich!] [Joe gets up off the floor.] What time did he buy it? Lebowsky kneels, examining the corpse, checking his watch. [Joe(Lebowsky)Offhand, I'd see he purchased this decapitation about an hour ago.] LEBOWSKY Ten. Ten-thirty. And whatever made this cut was razor-sharp. [Josh(Lebowsky)...feather light, and Japanese, with a carved handle.] BEDSOE (to Moran, indicating corpse) Frank, wasn't there something on the teletype about a guy killed in Jersey 2 nights ago, just like this? [Eli(Moran)I never watch the teletype--that stuff rots your brain, Bedsoe.] Moran scratches his head. [Josh(Moran)I don't know, but I DO know that I have lice, if that helps.] BEHIND THE CORVETTE Brenda freezes, staring down at a huge sword. [Joe:Please, Josh, that one's BEGGING for it!] [Josh:That's not even...] BRENDA (shouting) Hey, Frank. Look at this. Moran and Lebowsky join her. [Joe:Heh-heh-heh-heh...] BRENDA It's a Toledo-Salamanca. [Eli:(Moran)Actually, Brenda, I'd say it's a sword, not a burrito.] MORAN It's a what -- ? She dusts the jeweled hilt for prints. BRENDA A sword, Frank. A very rare sword. MORAN Worth much? [Eli(Brenda, sarcastically)No, it's actually a very common rare sword!] BRENDA Only about a million bucks. [Josh:That'll cover a month's rent, in New York.] [Eli:Mmm-hmm.] (standing up) Any antique dealer with a shop on Hudson Street could tell you that. CUT TO: MACLEOD sitting in a room, waiting. Peeling paint, tape recorder, table and chairs. [Joe:The Hansen Recording studio, after early 1999.] Garfield, the cop who booked him, leans on the wall, itching to get even. [Eli:Garfield IS: The Spy Who Booked Me!] [Josh(Garfield)I DARE you to try and handcuff ME! I'll show you!] MacLeod suddenly stares at him. Garfield shivers. The guy's eyes are like lasers. The cop looks away. [Eli(Garfield)Hey, can I get some Visine, here? His eyes just burned out my retinas!] MORAN AND BEDSOE enter, slamming the door. Moran's got a package and folder. Bedsoe joins Garfield against the wall. [Joe(Bedsoe)I talked back to the commisioner, and he told me I could just join you against the wall until I learned some respect.] Moran sits down, package by his chair. He clicks on the tape and opens a folder. [Josh:(Moran)Now then, confess, or I will sing "The Best of Barry Manilow", tape it, and play it back continually...] Inside: wallet, money and driver's license issued to Russell Nash. [Eli:What is it with them treating his wallet like valuable murder evidence?!] [Joe(Moran)What the---this is genuine leather, you cattleslayer!] He tosses a mug-shot of a swarthy man onto the table. [Josh:(Moran)This is Popeye, I believe you two know each other.] MORAN Ever see this guy before, Nash? MacLeod hasn't. [Joe(Conner)I can answer his questions without your help, scriptwriter!] MORAN Name's Osta Vazilek. Bulgarian national. Got his head chopped off two nights ago in Jersey. [Josh:(Moran)Had his arms detached a week ago in Branson, lost his legs last month in Delaware, had his ears ripped off in Maine---what I'm trying to say, is that he's unlucky, and do you know him?] (unwrapping package) [Joe(Moran):Mind if I open my birthday presents while I question you? Thanks.] Ever get over to Jersey, Nash? MACLEOD Not if I can help it. MORAN You're an antique dealer, right? MACLEOD Yes. [Eli:Where is he going with this?] [Josh:(Moran)So, you ever deal antiques in Jersey?] [Eli:(Conner)No.] [Josh:(Moran)Nash, you ever ride the tilt-a-whirl, and then get dizzy and sick?] [Eli(Conner)No.] [Josh:(Moran)So, Nash you ever notice how women shop? What's up with that?] Moran lays down the jewelled weapon. MORAN Okay, what's this? [Joe:(Conner)In my professional opinion, it's a sword. It takes an antique dealer's eye to be sure, and I'm sure.] MACLEOD A sword MORAN It's a -- (checks notes) [Josh(Moran)--sword. So...you're right.] Toledo-Salamanca broad-sword. Worth a million bucks. [Eli:His strategy is to intimidate the suspect with the cash value of the deceased person's weapon.] MACLEOD So? [Joe(Moran)Nothing. I just like to give interesting facts about random things before begining the questioning.] MORAN You wanna hear a theory? [All:NO!] (MacLeod shrugs) You went down to the garage to buy this sword from some guy. [Eli:(Moran)You were weighted down with all that money, and you killed him! Ha!] (quickly) What was his name? [Josh(Moran/John McLaughlin)Quickly, Nash, QUICKLY!] MACLEOD I don't know. You tell me. MORAN His name was Iman Fasil. You fought about the price. Then you cut off his head. [Joe(Moran)You must admit, this theory is unassailable!] MACLEOD Wanna hear another theory? [Josh(Moran)It can't be as good as mine!] (Moran nods) This Fasil was so upset by the Rangers' lousy performance tonight, he went down to the garage and in a fit of depression, cut off his own head. [Eli:Actually, that's fairly plausible.] Bedsoe LAUGHS. [Joe:He LAUGHED, out LOUD, because he thought it was FUNNY.] MORAN That ain't funny, Walt [Josh:Disney?] Garfield can control himself no longer. [Joe:He finally just wets his pants.] GARFIELD You a faggot, Nash? [Josh:(chuckling)He was finally overwhelmed by his desire to learn MacLeod's sexual orientation!] MACLEOD Why? You cruising for ass? [Eli(Garfield)Yeah, I'm the captain of Ass's boat, on my own time, what of it?!] GARFIELD (leaning in) I'll tell you what happened, Russell -- you went down to the garage looking for a hand-job, and just didn't want to pay for it. [All laugh.] [Joe:The sad thing is, that's the default template theory for homicide motives, at the NYPD.] MACLEOD You're sick. [Eli:(Garfield)I know you are, but what am I?] Garfield swings. Kicking the table aside, MacLeod jumps up, SMASHING his fist into Garfield's sternum. Garfield goes down. [Josh:Geeze, what, is Garfield made of papier mache?] Moran's on Garfield in a flash, knee on his chest, [Joe:Now EVERYONE's taking a shot at Garfield!] Bedsoe struggles to restrain MacLeod. MORAN (shouting) Calm down -- ! (to Garfield) I mean it, damnit -- ! Flinging Bedsoe off him, MacLeod picks up his wallet. [All make a *WHOOSH!* *SPLAT!* sound] MACLEOD Am I under arrest? (no answer) [Josh(Moran)Duhhhhh, what's "arrest"?] Then we're through. [Eli:(Conner)This cop-to-suspect relationship is over! I'm going home, and putting your stuff out on the curb!] He walks to the door. MORAN Nash, we're just getting started. MacLeod is gone. Moran stands up. Garfield struggles to his feet. [Joe(Garfield, dazed)I'll get him! Where is he!?] GARFIELD Jesus. That guy hits like a train. [Eli:Sure, ask anyone selling things in the synagogue, Jesus has a mean left hook.] [Joe:The Apostle Paul could really tear through a brawl, too.] [Josh:And you haven't seen boxing until you've seen St. Micheal throw down with Satan, I tellya!] MORAN Shut up, Rocky. I'll deal with you in a minute. [Joe(as Apollo Creed)I'm gonna deal with you good, Balboa!] He turns to Bedsoe MORAN Tail him, Walt. And try and pay attention. That sucker's cool as ice. [Josh:(Moran)When I grow up, I wanna be just like him!] Bedsoe leaves. Moran turns to Garfield EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT MacLeod steps out into the crisp night air. [Eli(Conner)Smell that air, that's the smell of cops just waiting to be knocked on their tails when trying to apprehend me.] Oblivious to traffic, his eyes scan the dark. Sensing something, he turns south, looking toward Jersey. [Joe(Conner)I sense that New Jersey is approaching from the south!] CUT TO: A TAN CUTLASS ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE [Eli:Pirates just left their weapons laying in the road, someone could pop a tire!] Knifing through the night. Inside, behind the wheel: THE KURGAN - A CHILLING SPECTER [Josh(chucking)Although that's undercut by the fact he's driving a tan Cutlass...] Shark's eyes, short curly hair. [Joe:Those were the things hanging from his rear-view mirror.] Like MacLeod, he hasn't aged -- but a hideous scar runs from ear-to ear across his throat. It affects his voice, turning it into a metallic gurgle. News on the RADIO. NEWSCASTER'S VOICE Police arrested a man at the decapitation scene in Madison Square Garden. They have not released his name. [Josh:His name is still held in custody, pending trial.] [Eli(looks at Josh)I think you'd better just sit on your hands.] [Josh:Sorry...] KURGAN (turns it off) I know his name. [Joe(Kurgan)I'd better call that station!] His metallic gargle is even more grating. [Josh:No wonder his voice sounds so bad---he's been using a metallic gargle!] [Joe:New Iron-Filing Scope! Grinds down the germs that cause bad breath!] He slams a cassette into the stereo, a high-decibel heavy-metal ROCK SONG: It's the Kurgan's anthem. [Eli:(Kurgan)I love the thundering melody of ROCK SONG, it really moves me, man.] [Joe:It was recorded by ROCK BAND, at RECORDING STUDIO.] Raving singer, pounding drums, shrieking guitars. In the headlights, a sign: [Josh:It reads "These are headlights, don't stare at them."] YOU ARE NOW LEAVING NEW JERSEY THE GARDEN STATE HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY! [Joe:AS IF!] The Kurgan smiles grotesquely. [Eli(Kurgan)BWAHAHAHAA, I've escaped you again, NEW JERSEY!] KURGAN I had a better time than Osta Vazilek. That is for sure. His voice sounds like nails on a slate. [Josh:Okay, you've established that his voice is grating, annoying, and loud, so quit it!] BRENDA sitting at a spectrograph, placing metal shards under a lens. Clamping wires to them, she starts a machine. [Joe:See, now, back there would've been a GOOD place for a scene change!] [Eli:In the back of Kurgan's car, Brenda looks at the spectrograph!] HUMMING sound. Crackling arc. She checks a computer, takes photos. The arc dies. [Josh:And acsends into arc heaven, to be with the Joan of Arc.] She waits. A printer starts. Data rolls. She studies it. BRENDA It's not possible. Incredulous, she runs the test again. Same result. [Joe:The screenwriter assumed we would know how to read spectrographs, and would of course know what all this means...] BRENDA Son-of-a-bitch. [Josh:(Brenda)But enough about Gregory Widen, I've made a discovery!] Grabbing coat and bag, she heads for the door. CUT TO: BEDSOE following MacLeod along Central Park South, down Broad- way to Times Square. [Eli:Don't these cops ever learn?] ANGLE Hungry and tired, Bedsoe trudges past bums, porno-pits and neon signs. [Joe:Mostly porno pits, really.] MacLeod descends stairs to a subway. Picking up speed: [Eli:...He popped the speed in his mouth, and continued on, refreshed!] BEDSOE races down after him. Reaching the tracks, he can't believe his eyes. [Eli:(Bedsoe)My God! A S-subway!] The platform's deserted. [Josh:If MacLeod can vanish into thin air, WHY didn't he do it BEFORE he got hauled into NYPD?] [Joe(MacLeod)In my spare time, while not being an immortal, I like to confound the local police force.] CUT TO: BRENDA driving her red Pontiac, turning south on 5th Avenue. [Joe:Pontiac, the car of pointless movie women.] Late-night traffic. Lionel Ritchie on the RADIO. [Josh:(DJ, maniacal):This is K-EVIL Radio, All Lionel Ritchie, ALL the time! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!] AT 34TH She turns west, arriving at Madison Square Garden. Parking on the street, she gets out, carrying a bag. [Eli:She does that a lot...] CUT TO: BRENDA walking through the garage, flashlight piercing the murk. She shivers, heading for where Fasil was killed. [Joe(Brenda)I left my flashlight in his mouth, and now I have to get it!] CUT TO: MACLEOD'S FACE IN THE FLARE OF THE LIGHTER [Eli(MacLeod):Och, me jacket's on fire!] In the underground garage. Reaching into the roof-duct hidden by tiles, he pulls out his Samurai sword. [Josh:(MacLeod)Ah, good, it's still feather light, razor sharp, with a carved handguard...] Noting the chipped edge and missing pieces, he slides it into a sheath inside his coat. FOOTSTEPS. He snuffs the lighter [Joe(MacLeod)Keep quiet, lighter. Have some snuff.] CUT TO: BRENDA Guiding a metal-detector across the floor. Chalk out- lines where Fasil's corpse used to be. Near a column, a red light blinks on her detector. Cradling the flash, she removes SHARDS with a scalpel, dropping them into a plastic bag. [Eli:What is this, an adventure game walkthrough?] [Joe(nerdy voice)Then, use the WELDING TORCH to REPAIR the SHARDS, and they will once more be a SWORD. I solved it in ten minutes!] CUT TO: MACLEOD hidden in shadows. [Josh:(MacLeod)Tee hee, tee hee.] CUT TO: BRENDA hears a distant CLANK. She whirls her flashlight up the tunnel. [Joe:Huh?] BRENDA Who's there? Silence. Something's down here. She can feel it. Trying to control her panic, she heads for the exit. She starts running, faster and faster. CUT TO: BRENDA trying to unlock her Pontiac. Heart racing, she drops her keys. [Eli(chucking)Then, she bangs her head on the doorhandle, slips and bruises her shins, and breaks a nail, just as a heavy PMS day sets in...] [Joe:(deep fatherly voice)Hi, I'm Gregory Widen, I think all women are easily frightened mindless chipmunks. Thank you.] BRENDA Goddamn it. Retrieving them, she opens the door and ROARS off. [Josh:Now, see, I thought she was driving a Pontiac, not a cheetah?] CUT TO: BRENDA entering P.J. Clarke's. Almost empty. It's late. She takes a corner table, trying to calm down. PHIL, the waiter, appears. [Eli:People in this movie keep materializing!] PHIL Hi, Brenda. What can I get you? BRENDA Vodka. Lots of it. [Joe(Phil)Right, I'll just teleport some from the cellar, for ya.] He leaves. Removing the plastic bag from her purse, she opens it, tipping a metal shard into her trembling hand. MACLEOD enters and looks around. Spotting her, he sits in a nearby booth. Phil re-appears with a bottle of vodka. [Josh(Phil)I'm back from the fifth dimension, and here's your booze.] PHIL Say when. three-quarters full. BRENDA When. She drinks. Noticing MacLeod, Phil glides over, return- ing to Brenda [Eli:(chuckling)He also hovers on a cushion of air, I guess...] PHIL The guy over there wants you to join him for a drink. [Joe(Phil)If you won't, I will!] BRENDA What guy? Leaning forward, she sees a dim profile. [Josh:Hey, the cigarette-smoking man!] BRENDA Thank him and tell him no. Phil delivers the message. Brenda gulps vodka, mind in turmoil. [Eli:Vodka always helps her collect her thoughts...] Suddenly, MacLeod sits by her side. She jumps like a cat. [Joe:Landing on her feet, the fur on her back stands up, and she hisses at MacLeod, ears folded back on her head.] BRENDA What do you think you're doing? [Josh(MacLeod)Stalking you.] MACLEOD Joining you. I'd like to buy you a drink. Brenda drains her vodka, setting down the glass. BRENDA I don't drink [Joe(Brenda)...more than six gallons a day, and I've reached my quota.] About to tell him to get lost, she looks into his eyes for the first time. Unexpectedly, she's overcome by feelings of warmth and safety. [Josh:Ah, he must've had the laser beams on a low setting.] MACLEOD What's your name? His voice caresses her. She's mesmerized by his gaze. [Eli:Wow, he can get to second base without even TOUCHING her!] [Joe:That is TALENT, I tellya...] Adrift, she hears herself answer. BRENDA Brenda. [Josh:(MacLeod)I'm Conner MacLeod. How about we go belt somebody, and then I buy you another drink?] The silence between them is electric. Phil RINGS the register. The spell is broken. She's got to get away from this guy. Shouldering her bag, she rises, heading for the door. He doesn't move. [Eli:(Brenda)He's a boy, and boys are icky!] MACLEOD Do you get over to Madison Square Garden much? [Joe(MacLeod)I chop heads there, on the weekends, you might've seen me.] She freezes, heart pounding. [Josh(Brenda)Oh no! He knows I snuck into a boxing match last week!] BRENDA (turning) What did you say? [All:DO...YOU...GET...OVER...TO...MADISON...SQUARE...GARDEN...MUCH...?!] MACLEOD Madison Square Garden. Get over there much? Eyes that were comforting 10 seconds ago are now cold, drilling into her brain. [Joe(makes power tool sounds).] BRENDA Why? MACLEOD They've got basketball. The circus. Ice-hockey. [Josh:(MacLeod)Swordfights, crime scenes...] (a beat) What's your last name, Brenda? She swallows hard. BRENDA How come you're asking me about Madison Square Garden? Did you follow me in here? [Eli:Well, finally the lights come on for Brenda!] No answer. He smiles. Her blood turns to ice. [Joe:No, see, now that's highly unlikely, because alcohol is REALLY hard to freeze...] BRENDA Who the hell are you? [Josh(MacLeod)Uh...a friend?] MACLEOD (rising) Let me walk you home, Brenda. [Joe:(MacLeod)Along the way, I can make your heart beat like a drum, chill your bones with terror, and strangle you with fright...] Pretty girl, alone on the streets at night. No telling what could happen. [Eli(MacLeod)Why, you could be mugged by a sword-toting scotsman---d'oh!] BRENDA Forget it. I can take care of myself. [Josh:Ah...as demonstrated by what?] He shrugs, sitting down. She walks out, pausing to look back at his in the gloom. He raises his glass to her. [Joe:(MacLeod)Here's to stalking!] CUT TO: OUTSIDE THE BAR Brenda waits in shadows, watching MacLeod leave. He stands for a moment, looking up and down 55th Street. Pulling up his collar, he moves off into the night, turning down a dark alley. [Eli(MacLeod)Oh, well. I'll go find a homeless lady to frighten...] Making a fateful decision, she follows him. [Joe(Brenda)HA, now who's stalking who?] CUT TO: MACLEOD walking briskly near the East River. Cold wind blowing. 4:00 A.M. Deserted. [Josh:And, we're gonna be seeing Kurgan, anytime now...] Steam rises from vents. Cars line the curb. Cats YOWL. It's spooky. [Joe:Well, the capitalization of YOWL has certainly convinced me it's spooky, I dunno about you guys.] Hearing FOOTSTEPS, he stops every few yards. At the corner of 46th, his eyes rake the street. [Eli:Man, I need to get a pair of those swiss army eyes he has!] [Josh:(Infomercial Announcer)You can caress/scare women, AND do yardwork, all with one handy pair of eyes!] Nothing. Without warning, he sprints off, disappearing into: A SHADOWY CONSTRUCTION SITE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. He grasps the Samurai hilt inside his coat. [Joe:(chuckles)Should we be seeing that?] A FIGURE hurtles round the corner. Springing forward, MacLeod grabs handfuls of hair. [Josh:There was a bale of HAIR nearby...] SHOUTING in panic, Brenda fights to get free. BRENDA Get your hands off me! Pumping with adrenalin, MacLeod shakes her, pulling her into the dark, against a brick wall. She SCREAMS. [Eli(MacLeod)WHAT? I'm just assaulting you, for crying out loud! Calm down!] A light goes on in a nearby apartment. [Joe(New Yorker)'Ay! There's some woman bein' assaulted in the alley, again! Get the Camcorder an' some popcorn, Vinny!] MACLEOD Be quiet. I -- [Josh:(MacLeod)--Something. I dunno. But it's a good reason for you to be quiet.] He breaks off, listening to the night, eyes flashing. Instinctively MacLeod ducks, yanking her with him to the dirt. [Joe:(chuckling)I wonder how he developed the "tackling woman to the ground" instinct...] [Eli:Arthur Fonzerelli's Self-Help Course.] [Joe:Ah.] Next second: A GLEAMING SWORD SHATTERS BRICK inches above their heads. He rolls away from her, struggling to avoid a slashing blade. Dumbstruck, Brenda stares up at: A HOWLING GIANT WITH A SCAR ACROSS HIS NECK [Eli(Kurgan)Awooooooooooooooooooooo!] wielding a huge sword. It's the Kurgan. [Josh:It IS? No! Really?] MacLeod grabs a steel pipe, blocking the Kurgan's murderous blows. The Kurgan's so fast, MacLeod can't draw his sword. In desperation, he side-steps and charges, tackling him. Locked together, they topple down an embankment into: [Eli:Branson!] [Josh:New Jersey!] [Joe:The Looooooooooooooooove Boat!] [Eli and Josh look at Joe.] [Joe:What?] A SHALLOW PIT [Joe:Porno pit?] [Eli:Maybe.] [Josh:Which the oblivious gravediggers continue shoveling dirt into, regardless.] Untangling himself, sword in hand, the Kurgan attacks. MacLeod defends himself with the pipe. KURGAN (swinging) Good to see you again, MacLeod. 400 years is a long time. [Eli:(Kurgan)You never call, you never write...] MACLEOD (blocking) You slimy bastard --! SOUNDS of DISTANT SIRENS. [Joe:That MEANS something? IT'S NEW YORK, MORON!] UP THE EMBANKMENT [Josh:Up YOUR embankment, man...] Brenda peers through the murk. Straining to see what's going on, she loses her footing. CRYING OUT, she falls: INTO THE PIT [Joe:I still think it's a porno pit.] Cannoning into MacLeod's back. MACLEOD Jesus Christ! [Josh:(MacLeod)He hits like a train!] (yelling) Get the hell out of here! Bellowing, the giant charges again. MacLeod shoves Brenda out of the path of sudden death. KURGAN (rasping) There can only be one, Highlander. The 2 men battle through the skeleton of a building. The Kurgan's murderous blade misses MacLeod by inches, slicing through solid iron. [Joe:Suddenly, MacLeod picks up a stack of Playboys, and flings them in Kurgan's face!] The sky ERUPTS. THRASHING ROTORS. ROARING down-blast. Blinding clouds of dirt and debris. [Josh:Hey, it's the Swat Kats!] IT'S A POLICE CHOPPER [Josh:Oh.] Searchlight beams probe swirling dust. From the sky, an AMPLIFIED VOICE: [Eli:(Booming, reverbed)You will drop your broadswords and come out with your hands up!] VOICE V.O. [Joe(As Robert Duvall in The Apostle)I'm the Voice V.O., Praise the Lord...] You, on the ground! Stay where you are! [Josh:(Cop)Because, if you don't...uh...we'll do something, from up here...] Brenda CHOKES, blinded. From nowhere, MacLeod grabs her. His arms are like steel. [Eli:Wow, he's the Highlandinator!] KURGAN'S VOICE (SHOUTING out of the dark) Some other time, Highlander. There can be only one. [Josh:(Kurgan)As I've said three times, now!] MacLeod hauls Brenda up the embankment, away from the light, melting into the dark. SIRENS CLOSER. [All humm Batman the Animated Series theme.] CUT TO: MACLEOD dragging Brenda across 1st Avenue. [Joe:Man, MacLeod gets to do EVERYTHING!] BRENDA (lungs bursting) Stop. For Christ's sake. [Eli:(Brenda)He hits like a train!] [Josh:Enough!] They halt under a street-light. She gasps for breath. BRENDA Who in the name of God was that? He called you Highlander. What did he mean, "There can be only one?" Only one what? [Joe:It takes a good writer to have someone directly ask every question the audience has been wondering, in one concise line!] MACLEOD Shut up! [Eli:And an equally good writer to shoot down his own attempt to resolve his tangled storyline!] He pulls her close, eyes like bullet-holes. [Joe:Huh?] MACLEOD Listen, lady. You almost got yourself killed. [Josh:(MacLeod)That REALLY harshes my buzz!] BRENDA I want -- [Josh:-- A sandwich!] [Eli:-- for christmas, my two front teeth!] [Joe:-- YOU! You hot scottish--] [Josh and Eli stare at Joe.] [Joe:Sorry...] He shakes her, trying to scare her away. [Josh(MacLeod)Boo! Blblblblblblblbbb!] MACLEOD Don't you ever follow me again [Eli:(MacLeod)Bad Brenda! Bad, bad, bad! No treat!] (intensely) Forget about what you saw tonight. You only have one life. If you value it -- (angrily) Go home! [Joe(Brenda)But St. Anne's home for wayward women has already locked up for the night!] He strides off. A garbage can CRASHES in an alley. Brenda jumps. [Josh(MacLeod)I think I'll rummage in the trash for some food.] CUT TO: KENNY, A DESK CLERK signing in the Kurgan. Ansonia Hotel, 73rd and Broadway. A T.V. is on Derelicts litter the lobby. KENNY, a chain-smoking greaser, checks the name the Kurgan's written in the register, handing him a key. [Joe(Kenny)No whores after 3AM, no cocaine after 6, and NO head choppin'!] KENNY Okay, Mr. Victor Kruger. Room 315. And I'm gonna hit you for 20 in advance. The Kurgan pulls out a thick roll of bills, dropping a 20. Kenny eyes the roll greedily. KENNY Listen, you want anything. Broads, blow. Just dial 0. [Josh:(uncomfortably)Blow?] [Joe:(Kenny)Booze, pixy stix? Just dial 6.] [Eli(Kenny) Drugs, stew? Just dial 2.] Picking up a black, oblong case, the Kurgan heads for the elevator. [Joe(Kurgan)I'm off to practice my clarinet for band!] CUT TO: THE KURGAN on a sagging bed in Room 315. Roaches crawl on a hot- plate. [Josh:Mmm, fried roach!] Shirtless, heavily-scarred, he munches tacos, watching Yosemite Sam on T.V., digging the violence. [Eli(Sam)Ooooooo, I hates them immortals!] He opens his black case. Laid out in velvet slots: THE COMPONENTS OF A LARGE SWORD [Josh(Announcer)The Spishak Head-Chopper. Some assembly required.] Meaty fingers caress quillions, pommel, hilt and blade. Getting up, he moves to the window. Below, junkies shiver in Needle Park. [Eli:Deep in NYC, lies the filthy underworld of theme parks...] [Joe:Beautiful Needle Park right across the street from Whore World and Marijuana Mountain...] KURGAN At last... the Gathering. [Josh(Kurgan)I have a complete set of cards, and I can beat ANYONE! HAHAHAHA!] He chuckles, an unnerving sound. KNOCK on the door. A blonde HOOKER in hot-pants and boots, breasts burst- ing from a tight sweater, [Joe:(chuckling)Explosive bosoms, the latest trend...] leans on the jamb, cracking gum. HOOKER I'm Candy. [Josh(Kurgan)I'll be the judge of that...] KURGAN Of course you are. [Eli(Kurgan)Like I REALLY believe that's your name.] Dragging her in, he flings her on the bed. [Joe:What is it with immortals throwing women?!] Fearfully, she watches him unbuckle his belt. [All:NO! NO! NO! NO!] He slams the door. [All sigh with relief.] [Josh:We've already seen quite enough of Kurgan's scars.] CUT TO: DUGAL slamming down a tankard of ale in the Glamis tavern. Angus and Kate sit with him. [Josh(Dugal)Conner got to go to the future, and we're stuck here! This is just GREAT!] It's 1536, the day after the fight between the Frazers and MacLeods. [Joe:1536 is a DAY?] Angry villagers pack the place, only one thing on their minds -- MacLeod's strange delivery from the jaws of death. [Eli(villager)Just where th' devil does MacLeod get off being alive!?] [Joe(villager)Not enough life to go around, as eht is!] Kate's thrilled by all the excitement. [Josh(Kate)Whoooo! Angry villagers! Whoooooooooooooooooo!] DUGAL You saw the wound, Angus. He should have died. [Joe(Dugal)I stabbed myself the same way, and I died, I just don't understand it...] KATE I say he's got the devil in him. [Josh(chuckling)Ah, the ever-loyal fiancee!] The tavern erupts in shouting [Eli:(villager)Where can I get the Devil with me?!] [Joe(villager)What are the Man-Goat's office hours?!] [Josh(villager)Does the Horned One require experience with beings of supreme evil?!] MacLeod enters. Sudden silence. Seeing Angus, he moves to join his table. DUGAL (rising) Drinking with us, are you? MacLeod freezes. Kate's eyes sparkle. Angus avoids his gaze. MACLEOD What's the matter, Dugal? DUGAL You. Talking and breathing -- and this morning, all but a corpse. [Joe(Dugal)You're alive, and it bugs me!] (shouting) How did you manage that, Conner MacLeod? [Josh(MacLeod, shouting)Multivitamins!] [Eli(MacLeod, shouting)An apple a day!] [Joe(MacLeod, shouting)Pact with Satan---Doh!] MACLEOD Would you rather I was dead? [Josh(Dugal)Actually, yes, I had my heart set on moving in on your woman.] KATE (to crowd) It's not natural. He's in league with Lucifer. [Joe(snickering)That's gaelic for "He left the toilet seat up."] Uproar. [Josh:(villager, shouting)How can I join the League With Lucifer?!] [Joe(villager, shouting)Does Beelzebub offer benefits?!] [Eli(villager, shouting)Do I get a Hell Company Car?!] MACLEOD Don't say that, Kate. DUGAL I'll say it. You've got the devil in you. [Eli:Nowadays, we tell her "He's not good enough for you." But time was, we'd think up a darn good demonic possesion story to move in on our buddy's woman.] MACLEOD We've been kinsmen 15 years, cousin. [Joe:So, which one of them is only 15?] DUGAL Conner MacLeod was my kinsman. I don't know who you are. [Josh(Dugal)You're some guy who looks like, acts like, talks like, and is Conner MacLeod. I just don't know who you are...] Kate's eyes dance. The tension is electric [Joe:Eclectic, too.] ANGUS You'd best leave, Conner. [Eli(Angus)We don't want your kind here, devil-boy.] MACLEOD (bravely) I'm not going anywhere. [Josh:(MacLeod)Uh, I'm gonna sit here and guzzle wine with the rest of you, like a good christian would do, just to prove I'm...no, wait...] Dugal swings at MacLeod's head, knocking him down, kicking him in the ribs. [Joe:Ha, not so easy when it's not an NYC cop, huh, MacLeod?] A plowman destroys a chair on MacLeod's back. Angus shouts over the din -- [Eli(Angus)I call dibs on his head!] ANGUS For God's sake, stop -- ! [Josh:I was wondering when God would get dragged into this movie...] A villager belts MacLeod with a jug. Struggling, he disappears under a shouting heap of clansmen. [All(playful children voices)Dogpile on the demon, dogpile on the demon!] CUT TO: MACLEOD WITH AN OX-YOKE STRAPPED TO HIS BACK [Josh(villager)To prove you're not possesed, you will plow the fields.] Arms bound to it with ropes, face battered, on his knees in the dirt. Beyond, Glamis Castle towers over Loch Shiel. Dugal, Angus, Father Rainey and Kate stand in a circle of yelling villagers. The excitement has unhinged Kate's mind. [Joe:It was pretty far off the doorjamb, to begin with, so...] ANGUS (yelling at Dugal) He's your cousin, man. [Eli:(Dugal)Aye, but he's got a devil, the only way to cleanse the clan, is to burn him and move in on his girl---uh, I mean...] FATHER RAINEY Burn him. It's the only way. [Joe:(Rainey)Well, I suppose I could pray, or perform an exorcism, or call the diocese...but what the heck, burning's FUN!] VILLAGERS (chanting) Burn him! Burn him! [Josh(villagers)Give him the boot to larn him!] ANGUS (over crowd) Quiet! [Eli(Angus)I'd like to give a quick note about parking, before we burn the spawn of Satan.] The NOISE subsides. ANGUS There'll be no burning here today. We'll banish him. KATE Burn him! Burn him! [Joe(Dugal)No, banishin's fine, love, quit while we're ahead!] Dugal's disgusted by Kate's religious frenzy. [Josh:His own religious frenzy was much more tasteful.] DUGAL Be quiet, Kate. [Eli(Dugal)He's not a devil, where the heck'd you get that idea?] The villagers shout objections. He nods to Angus and they help MacLeod to his feet. He staggers under the yoke. ANGUS Can you walk? [Josh(MacLeod)Sure, I've been beaten, yoked, and ale-jugged over the head, I'm FINE, thanks.] MACLEOD I'll bloody well walk out of here. [Joe(MacLeod)You devil-hating bigots!] ANGUS Move, friend. Before they change their minds. [Eli(Rainey)Well, back to the church, everyone. I've got a great sermon about how Lazarus was raised from the dead---hey wait--eh, nahhh, couldn't be...] MACLEOD I'll not forget you, Angus. MacLeod is driven out. Villagers spit and curse. Wild-eyed, Kate dances round him. [Josh(Kate)Yooooooooou got banished! Yoooooooou got banished! La-la-la-la-la! Yooooooooou got banished.] KATE Devil! Devil! Devil! [Joe:Her vocabulary has degenerated to the words "Devil!" and "Burn him!'] VILLAGERS (chanting) Devil! Devil! Devil! [All:Oo-gah chaka, devil devil, Oo-gah chaka, devil devil!] [Joe:Ironically, they'd later start the Loch Sheil Demons soccer team.] ANOTHER ANGLE Stumbling along the loch, MacLeod heads for the moun- tains. [Josh:(Dugal)Well, those protestants aren't going to disembowel themselves, I suppose. Let's go.] [Joe:We gone!] [1...2...3...4...5...6...Hex] [SS Bridge, Josh is just finishing zipping up a blue jumpsuit.] [Josh:Hey thanks, Dr. M, this fits great.] [Movie Lot, Dr. Masters reading pamphlet.] [Dr. Masters:Don't thank me, Graham. According to this footnote by Dr. Forrester, having your victims wear primary-color jumpsuits will help break their spirits faster. I'm merely shortening your sanity! So, has Highlander broken your spirits yet?] [SS Bridge.] [Josh:No, nope. Can't say it has.] [Movie Lot.] [Dr. Masters:ARGH! Curse your endurance, Graham! How can it fail? It produced the Highlander fandom, after all... Ah, well, no matter. There's plenty of movie left to drive you mad.] [SS Bridge, Josh and 'Bots breaking wine bottle over the table, bots are dressed in Benedictine Monk robes.] [Josh:I christen thee The Space Station of Love!] [Joe:(deep intoning voice)Paternoster, qui es in caelis...] [Eli:(deep intoning voice)Non habere bovis, vir...] [Cindy(deep intoning voice)Yo quiero Taco Bell...] [Josh:Actually, we're having lots of fun!] [Joe:Yep, life is the bubbles!] [Eli:(now wearing hawaiian shirt)Every minute is like a vacation! Woo-hoo!] [Cindy:Thanks, Dr. Masters!] [Josh:In fact, we LOVE it here!] [Movie Lot.] [Dr. Masters:Nice try, Graham! I'm not going to fall for your reverse psychology---or whatever it is you're doing! 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