10:08 PM 1/15/2003 it paid off well. her response was greater than i had anticipated. and warmly welcomed by myself. not taht i did it for the reaction. it was a bonus. a gift to a dear friend. unfortunately, it may be the only gift i give this year, as finances are being diverted towards a new transmission.

home wrecker. im no home wrecker. no, fuck taht. i wont be made to feel bad for attempting something good in my life. yeah, good. what i did may have been morally wrong but i felt it right. otherwise i wouldnt have been there. fuck you and your homewrecker. sleep.

do i love her? not a day goes by that i dont think of her. what is love? holy cliche. im out.

i will buy a crotch rocket sometime. ive wanted one for quite some time now. i think that they look like very fun toys.

down to business. air force. as soon as my waiver goes through i will be joining. get your goodbyes in now, for im not sure when any of you will see me again. i may be leaving for basic as early as february something. my life, my demise, my choice.

its been so long, but i can still smell you. its been so long, but i can still taste you.

the last time that i was here i was with tabby. im at the great spot to take girls to. like the last time i was here ive got alot of shit on my mind. unlike the last time im alone this time. miserably so. im horribly depressed right now. the air force is not a good idea for me. i know ill just end up fucking it up like everything else i do. ive decided im going to have sex. lose my virginity. dont ask me for the reasons behind this choice, accept it and move on. sometimes i want to leave. once i came close. when i say leave i mean pick up some stuff and drive away. dont tell anyone im doing it. dont have a destination. that, to me, is a very romantic idea. romance, what is it and how do i achieve it. how do i woo a girl? what is it to court? can any of these things be done with no money? i need to get out. more. where do i meet girls? i should put my virginity on ebay. am i looked down on because im a virgin? i think misty does. look down on me that is. ive never been in a fight. ive wanted to. see how i fare and such. im sure i would get my ass kicked. im not very physical and ive got the stomach to prove it. ive told a few funny stories in my day. my humor doesnt transfer well to paper though. alot of it lies in my gestures and dry tone of speaking.

charm, seduce. how? id love one of those chance encounter loves.
*bump*
"oh, sorry. excuse me."
"oh no, thats alright. im sure it was my fault anyway."
"here, let me help you with that." "so, are you doing anything tonight?"
"umm... why?"
"well, if you dont have any plans... that is, i was wondering if... maybe... you want to have dinner with me?"
"yes."
that sort of thing. you know, only the impossible.

i dreamt of you last night.
tell me about it
no
you had a dream in which i was naked and you wont tell me about it?
who said you where naked?
well, i just assumed. you are male after all
oh, ok
was i naked?
yes, very
were we doing anything?
yes, everything
did you enjoy it?
immensely
good. what did we..
dont ask me to go into details, please. i dont want to turn you down.

thats how the conversation should have went, but im shy. and an asshole.

1-13-03
well, tomorrow i go to meps. not scared, not nervous. ive packed my sweet tarts boxers. that way, when they make us all strip down to our boxers and do wierd walking tests everyone will get to look at my sweet, oh so sweet... tarts. scott offered me something grand and extremely hard to turn down today. a prospect. much appreciated as his gesture was, i had to say no. for i am going to meps tomorrow, as i mentioned. by the time you read this i will have already been. you are playing catch-up-with-caleb, today and always. good night. 328am 1-13-03

dont let people close, that was you wont hurt them ever.

im on the bus to butte. rather, strangely, tired. and hungry. ive not had one bite of anythign all day. its raining, i think. i cant quite tell whether its rain or not. moisture, at any rate. they say the farmers need it. i say fuck em. just passed a building with a sign on it that says, in blue neons, "The Original." not sure what its supposed to mean. jesus sign.

in butte. i totally just flirted with one of the hottest moms ive ever seen. she was digging it too, i could tell. when she left, for couer d'alene, she turned and gave me a smile that nearly made me melt. oh yeah, shes not married, assholes. holy sappy. waiting for my shuttle now. 800pm

time for bed. im getting woke up at 400am. still not nervous. something wrong with me? ive a roommate by the name of josh. navy. only thing im nervous about is the test i have to take tomorrow. if i dont pass i cant get into the career field i want. computer programmer. 3c032. edpt or something like that. i guess its not very hard. well, im off to sleep. 1059pm

meps is over. that test was a bitch. i got the job i went up for. 3c032. ruth is driving me back. shes 18. she graduated in 2002 from stanford high school. its a small school, but nice. she was homecoming queen. surprised the hell out of her, as shed only been there two months. she got a basket ball scholarship and went to one semester of college and said fuck this. she used to skip study hall to play basketball, but shes not a jock. shes not tired, though shes been up nearly as long as i.

i ship out february 11th. basic then 14 weeks of tech school in keesler mississippi. when i get addresses where you can mail me letters, if you desire, ill post them here.

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