The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, Jeez
I'm trying to rig up these lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
I WANT A TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS
Charities And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills
Oh, making out these cards
Edith, get me a beer, huh?
What we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
No parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
Donations
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
"Batteries not included"
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
Get a job, ya bum!!!
Oh, facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards
Oh, Jeez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Stale TV specials
"Batteries not included"
No parking spaces
I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
Charities!!
She's a witch! I hate her!
Five months of bills,
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Singing Christmas Carols
Stale TV specials
"Batteries not included"
No parking?
WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills,
I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!
And finding a Christmas tree

-Bob Rivers Comedy Club