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IOWA STUBBORN
Townspeople
Oh...
There's nothing halfway
About the Iowa way to treat you
When we treat you
Which we may not do at all.

There's an Iowa kind of special
Chip-on-the-shoulder attitude
We've never been without
That we recall.

We can be cold a falling
Thermometer in December
If you ask about our weather in July
And we're so By-God stubborn
We can stand touchin' noses
For a week at a time
And never see eye-to-eye.

But what the heck, you're welcome
Join us at the picnic,
You can have your fill
Of all the food you bring yourself.
You really ought to give Iowa a try.
(Provided you are contrary.)

We can be cold a falling
Thermometer in December
If you ask about our weather in July
And we're so By-God stubborn
We can stand touchin' noses
For a week at a time
And never see eye-to-eye.

But...
We'll give you our shirt
And a back to go with it
If your crops should happen to die

So what the heck, you're welcome
Glad to have you with us
Even though we may not ever mention it again
You really ought to give Iowa a try.

Hawkeye, Iowa
DuBuque
Des Moines
Davenport
Marshalltown
Mason City
Keokuk
Ames
Clear Lake

Ought to give Iowa a try.

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YA GOT TROUBLE
Harold
Well, ya got trouble, my friend.
Right here, I say trouble right here in River City

Why, sure, I'm a billiard player
Certainly mighty proud to say,
I'm always mighty proud to say it
I consider the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden
Help you cultivate horse sense and a cool head and a keen eye
'Jever take and try to give an iron clad leave
to yourself from a three-rail billiard shot?

But just as I say it takes judgement, brains and
maturity to score in a balk-line game
I say that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket
And I call that sloth,
the first big step on the road to the depths of degreda-
I say, first- medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle
And the next thing you know your son is playin'for money in a pinchback suit
And listenin' to some big out-o'-town jasper
hear him tell about horserace gamblin'
Not a wholesome trottin' race, no, but a race where they set down right on the horse
Like to see some stuck up jockey boy sittin' on Dan Patch?
Make your blood boil, well I should say

Now, folks, let me show you what I mean
You got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table
Pockets that mark the difference between a gentleman and a bum
With a capital 'B' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool'

And all week long, your River City youth'll be fritterin' away
I say, your young men'll be fritterin'
Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, choretime, too
Hit the ball in the pocket

Never mind gettin' dandelions pulled or the screen door
patched or the beefsteak pounded
Never mind pumpin' any water 'til your parents are caught
with a cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble

Oh, ya got lots and lots o' trouble
I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers shirttails,
young ones peekin' in the pool hall window after school
Ya got trouble, folks, right here in River City
with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that
stands for 'pool'

Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents
I'm gonna be perfectly frank
Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on
while they're loafin' around that hall
They'll be tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out Cubebs,
tryin' out tailor-mades like cigarette fiends
And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up
a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen
Now one fine night they leave the pool hall
headin' for the dance at the Armory
Libertine men and scarlet women and ragtime
Shameless music that'll grab your son, your daughter
into the arms of a jungle animal instinct- massteria!
Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground, trouble!

Townspeople
Oh, we got trouble

Harold
Right here in River City

Townspeople
Right here in River City

Harold
With a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that
stands for 'pool'

Townspeople
That stands for pool

Harold
We surely got trouble

Townspeople
We surely got trouble

Harold
Right here in River City

Townspeople
Right here

Harold
Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones
moral after school

Townspeople
'trouble'

Harold
Mothers of River City,
heed this warning before it's too late
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption
The minute your son leaves the house
does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?
A dime novel hidden in the corncrib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes
from Cap'n Billy's Whizbang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like... swell?
And... 'so's your old man'?

Well if so, my friends...

Ya got trouble

Townspeople
Oh, we got trouble

Harold
Right here in River City

Townspeople
Right here in River City

Harold
With a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool'

Townspeople
That stands for pool

Harold
We've surely got trouble

Townspeople
We surely got trouble

Harold
Right here in River City

Townspeople
Right here

Harold
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule?
Oho, we got trouble
We're in terrible, terrible trouble
That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devil's tool

Townspeople
Devil's tool

Harold
Yes, we've got trouble, trouble, trouble

Townspeople
Oh, yes, we got trouble here, we got big, big trouble

Harold
With a 'T'

Townspeople
With a capital 'T'

Harold
And that rhymes with 'P'

Townspeople
That rhymes with 'P'

Harold
And that stands for pool

Townspeople
That stands for pool

Harold
Remember my friends, listen to me,
because I pass this way but once

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PIANO LESSON/IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO
Marian
So do la re ti mi
A little slower and please keep the fingers curved
as nice and high as you possibly can

Mrs. Paroo
If you don't mind me saying so
It wouldn't have hurt you to have found out
what the gentleman wanted

Marian
I know what the gentleman wanted,
You'll find it in Balzac

Mrs. Paroo
Well excuse me for living, but I've never read it

Marian
Neither has anyone else in this town...

Mrs. Paroo
There you go again with the same old comment
About the low mentality of Rvier City people
And takin' it all too much to heart

Marian
Now, Mama
As long as the Madison Public Library was entrusted
to me for the purpose of improving River City's
cultural level, I can't help my concern that the
ladies of River City keep ignoring all my council and advice

Mrs. Paroo
But darlin':
When a woman's gotta husband and you've got none
Why should she take advice for you?
Even if you can quote Balzac and Shakespeare and
All them other high-falutin' Greeks?

Marian
Mama,
If you don't mind me saying so, you have a bad habit
Of changing every subject -

Mrs. Paroo
Now I haven't changed the subject, I was talkin' about
that stranger -

Marian
What stranger?

Mrs. Paroo
With the suitcase who may be your very last chance

Marian
Mama!
Do you think that I'd allow a common masher
-Now really, Mama!
I have my standards where men are concerned and I have no intention -

Mrs. Paroo
I know all about your standards
And if you don't mind me sayin' so
There's not a man alive who could hope to measure up
To that blend of Paul Bunyan, Saint Pat and Noah Webster
You've concocted for yourself
Out of your Irish imagination
Your Iowa stubbornness and your library fulla' books!

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GOODNIGHT, MY SOMEONE
Marian
Good night, my someone.
Good night, my love.
Sleep tight, my someone.
Sleep tight, my love.

Our star is shining its brightest light,
For good night, my love, for good night.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear, if dreams there be --
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might.
Now good night, my someone, good night.

"True love can be whispered from heart to heart,
When lovers are parted," they say.
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear, if dreams there be --
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might.
Now good night, my someone, good night.

Good night! Good night!

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SEVENTY-SIX TROMBONES
Harold
May I have your attention, please? Attention, please.
I can deal with this trouble, friends,
with the wave of my hand, this very hand
Please observe me, if you will I'm Professor Harold Hill
And I'm here to organize a River City Boys Band

Oh, think, my friends, how can any pool table
ever hope to compete with a gold trombone
Raaa- raaa- ra-da-da-da-da-raaa-raa
Remember, my friends, what a handful of trumpet players
did to the famous, fabled walls of Jericho
Oh, billiard parlor walls come a-tumblin' down

Oh, a band'll do it, my friends,oh yes
I said a Boys Band, do you hear me?
I say River City's gotta have a Boys Band
and I mean she needs it today
Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand
and River City's gonna have her Boys Band
Just as sure as the Lord made little green apples
and that band's gonna be in uniform

Johnny, Willy, Teddy, Fred
And you'll see the glitter of crashing cymbals
and you'll hear the thunder of rolling drums
and the shimmer of trumpets.
Ta-ta-ta!
And you'll feel something akin to the electric thrill
I once enjoyed when Gilmore, Pat Conway,
The Great Creatore, W.C. Handy and John Philip Sousa
all came to town on the very same historic day!

Seventy six trombones led the big parade
With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand.
They were followed by rows and rows of the finest virtuosos,
the cream of ev'ry famous band.

Seventy six trombones caught the morning sun,
With a hundred and ten cornets right behind.
There were more than a thousand reeds springing up like weeds,
There were horns of every shape and kind.

There were copper bottom tympani in horse platoons,
Thundering, thundering, all along the way.
Double bell euphoniums and big bassoons,
Each bassoon having his big fat say.

There were fifty mounted cannon in the battery,
Thundering, thundering, louder than before.
Clarinets of every size and trumpeters who'd improvise
A full octave higher than the score.

Townspeople
Seventy six trombones hit the counter point,
While a hundred and ten cornets played the air.
To the rhythm of "HARCH, HARCH, HARCH"
All the kids began to march
And they're marching still, right today!

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SINCERE
Harold
How can there be...

Ewart
...Any...

Quartet
... sin in Sincere?
Where is the good in goodbye?

You're apprehensions confuse me dear
Puzzle and mystify
Mystify, tell me...

Where is the fair in farewell, dear?
While one single star shines above?

How can there be in sin in sincere?
Aren't we sincerely in love?

Oh... we're in love

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THE SADDER-BUT-WISER GIRL
Harold
No wide-eyed, eager, wholesome, innocent Sunday-school teacher for me
That kinda girl spins webs no spider ever...
Listen boy...
A girl who trades on all that purity
Merely wants to trade my independence for her security

The only affirmative she will file
refers to marching down the aisle
No golden, glorious, gleaming pristine goddess, no sir!
for no Diana do I play faun, I can tell you that right now

I snarl, I hiss, how can ignorance be compared to bliss?
I spark, I fizz, for the lady who knows what time it is
I cheer, I rave, for the virtue I'm too late to save
The sadder but wiser girl for me

No bright-eyed, blushing, breathless baby-doll baby, no sir!
that kinda child ties knots no sailor ever knew
I prefer to take a chance on a more adult romance
No dewy young miss who keeps resisting
All the time she keeps insisting

No wide-eyed, wholesome, innocent female, No Sir!
Why, she's the fisherman, I'm the fish, you see? Plop!

I flinch, I shy when the lass with the delicate air goes by
I smile, I grin when the gal with a touch of sin walks in
I hope, I pray for Hester to win just one more 'A'

The sadder but wiser girl's the girl for me
The sadder but wiser girl for me!

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PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE
Alma
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more

Alma and Ethel
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more

All the ladies
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more

Maud
Professor, her kind of woman doesn't belong on any committee.
Of course, I shouldn't tell you this but she advocates dirty books.

Harold
Dirty books!

Alma
Chaucer!

Ethel
Rabelais!

Eulalie
Balzac!

Maud
And the worst thing
Of course, I shouldn't tell you this but-

Alma
I'll tell.

Ethel
The man lived on my street, let me tell.

Eulalie
Stop! I'll tell.
She made brazen overtures to a man who never had a friend
in this town till she came here.

Alma
Oh, yes

That woman made brazen overtures
With a gilt-edge guarantee
She had a golden glint in her eye
And a silver voice with a counterfeit ring

Just melt her down and you'll reveal
A lump of lead as cold as steel
Here!, where a woman's heart should be!

Eulalie, Alma, Maud, Ethel, Mrs Squires
He left River City the Library building
But he left all the books to her

Alma
Chaucer!

Ethel
Rabelais!

Eulalie
Balzac!

All the ladies
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little,
Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep
Pick a little, talk a little, Cheep!

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MARIAN, THE LIBRARIAN
Harold
Marian, Madam Librarian

What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear?
I love you madly, madly, madam librarian, Marian
Heaven help us, if the library caught on fire
And the volunteer hose brigade men
Had to whisper the news to Marian
Madam Librarian

What can I do, my dear, to make it clear?
I need you badly, badly, madam librarian, Marian
If I stumbled and I busted my whatchamacallit
I could lie on your floor unnoticed
Till my body had turned to carrion
Madam Librarain

Now in the moonlight a man could sing it
In the moonlight...
And a fella would know that his darlin'
Had heard every word of his song
With the moonlight helping along

But when I try in here to tell you dear
I love you madly, madly, madam librarian, Marian
It's a long lost cause, I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian, Madam Librarian

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MY WHITE KNIGHT
Marian
My white knight, not a lancelot, nor an angel with wings;
Just someone to love me,
who is not ashamed of a few nice things.
My white knight who knew what my heart would say if it only knew how.
Please, dear Venus, show me now.

All I want is a plain man
All I want is a modest man
A quiet man, a gentle man
A straight forward and honest man
To sit with me in a cottage somewhere in the state of Iowa.

And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself.
And more interested in us... than in me.

And if occasion'ly he'd ponder what make
Shakespeare and Beethoven great,
Him I could love 'til I die. Him I could love 'til I die.

My white knight, not a lancelot, nor an angel with wings.
Just someone to love me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things.
My white knight, let me walk with him where others ride by;
Walk and love him 'til I die, 'til I die.

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THE WELLS FARGO WAGON
Various Townspeople
Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street
Oh please let it be for me

Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street
I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

I got a box of maple sugar on my birthday

In March I got a gray mackinaw

And once I got some grapefruit from Tampa

Montgomery Ward sent me a bathtub and a crosscut saw

Townspeople
Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' now
Is it a prepaid surprise or C.O.D.?

Various Townspeople
It could be curtains

Or dishes

Or a double boiler

Or it could be

Others
Yes it could be, yes you're right, it surely could be

Townperson
Somethin' special

Others
Somethin' very, very special now

Townperson
Just for me

Townspeople
Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin' down the street
Oh don't let him pass my door
Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin'
I wish I knew what he was comin' for

Various Townspeople
I got some salmon from Seattle last September

And I expect a new rockin' chair

I hope I get my raisins from Fresno

Quartet
The D.A.R. have sent a cannon for the courthouse square

Winthrop
Oho, the Wellth Fargo Wagon ith a-comin' now
I don't know how I can ever wait to thee
It could be thumthin' for thomone who ith no relathion
But it could be somethin' special just for me

Townspeople
Oho, you Wells Fargo Wagon, keep a comin'
Oho, you Wells Fargo Wagon, keep a comin'
Oho, you Wells Fargo Wagon,
Don't you dare to make a stop until you stop for me

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IT'S YOU
Quartet It's you in the sunrise,
It's you in my cup
It's you all the way into town

It's your sweet "Hello, dear"
That sets me up
And it's your "Got to go dear"
That gets me down

It's you on my pillow
In all of my dreams
Till once more the morning breaks through

What words could be saner
Or truer or plainer
Than it's you, it's you, it's you

Oh yes, it's you

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SHIPOOPI!
Marcellus
Well, a woman who'll kiss on the very first date
Is usually a hussy
And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out
Is anything but fussy
But a woman who'll wait till the third time around
Head in the clouds - feet on the ground
She's the girl you're glad you found
She's your Shipoopi!

Shipoopi! Shipoopi, Shipoopi

Boys
The girl who's hard to get!

Marcellus
Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi

Girls
But you can win her yet.

Marcellus
Walk her once just to raise the curtain
Then you walk around twice and make for certain
Once more in the flower garden
She will never get sore if you beg her pardon

All
Do re me fa so la si
Do si la sol fa mi re do

Marcellus
Squeeze her once, when she isn't lookin'
If you get a fqueeze back, that's fancy cookin'
Once more for a pepper-upper
She will never get sore on her way to supper

All
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do

Marcellus
Now little ol' Sal was a No-Gal
As anyone could see
Lookit her now - she's a Go-Gal
Who only goes for me

Squeeze her once, when she isn't lookin'
If you get a squeeze back, that's fancy cookin'
Once more for a pepper-upper
She will never get sore on her way to supper

All
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do

Marcellus
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

Boys
The girl who's hard to get!

Marcellus
Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi

Girls
But you can win her yet.

All
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

Boys
The girl who's hard to get!

Marcellus
Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi

Girls
But you can win her yet!

All
SHIPOOPI!

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LIDA ROSE
Quartet
Lida Rose
I'm home again, Rose
To get the sun back in the sky
Lida Rose, I'm home again, Rose
About a thousand kisses shy

Ding dong ding
I can hear the chapel bell chime
Ding dong ding
At the least suggestion
I'll pop the question

Lida Rose, I'm home again, Rose
Without a sweetheart to my name
Lida Rose, how everyone knows
That I am hoping you're the same

So here is my love song
Not fancy or fine
Lida Rose, oh won't you be....
Mine, Lida Rose, oh Lida Rose,
Oh Lida Rose...

Marian
Dream of now
Dream of then
Dream of a love song
That might have been

Do I love you?
Oh yes, I love you
And I'll bravely tell you
But only when we dream again

Sweet and low
Sweet and low
How sweet that mem'ry
How long ago

Forever
Oh yes, forever
Will I ever tell you?
Oh no.

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GARY, INDIANA
Harold
Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
Let me say it once again

Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
That's the town that knew me when

If you'd like to have a logical explanation
How I happened on this elegant syncopation
I will say without a moment of hesitation
There is just one place that can light my face

Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
Not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York or Rome

But Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
My home sweet home!

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TIL THERE WAS YOU
Marian
There were bells on the hill,
But I never heard them ringing.
No, I never heard them at all,
Till there was you.

There were birds in the sky,
But I never saw them winging.
No, I never saw them at all,
Till there was you.

And there was music,
And there were wonderful roses
They tell me
In sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew.

There was love all around,
But I never heard it singing.
No, I never heard it at all,
Till there was you.

There was love all around,
But I never heard it singing.
No, I never heard it at all,
Till there was you.