"You're a good kid man, don't get AIDS."-Bill R.
"I just puked; I'm not masturbating so I can have my pants down."-Greg
"Reschedule the show?! I'll reschedule their face!"-Dave
"Kid Rock isn't THAT gay."-Greg
Mark:"Lettuce is not a meat."
Matt W: "Prove it."
"You're doing it all wrong; by staying here you are not fucking off, and by living you are not dying."-Mark
"Chicks from the 70s rule...except they have loose tits and bush...chicks from the 70s suck."-Robojoe
"Matt, you're gonna get eaten by a mimic."-Joe B.
Joe from Jake's Band:"You've never seen the thunderstick before?"
Mark: "Thunderstick? That's what the ladies call me."
Mark:"Is that a dead baby seal?!"
Bill:"I hope so."
"I have a marker."-Bill
"I'll be frank with you...You're pissing me off."-Scottomata
"If you are so horny, why are you standing here naked in front of us?"-Mark
"I'm often overlooked because of my odd stench and lack of sexual devices."-Mr. Bill Conway ladies and gentlemen
Mark:"She's only 14? Fuck that"
Seth:"No, don't fuck that, she's 14."
"Fuck country clubs, miniature golf kicks ass!"-Rob
"I am the stale cruton in your almost perfect caesar salad life."-Mark
"Moldy tit gorilla."-Bill R.
"Some girls may be bunk, others may not."-Seth
"You can't quench your thirst with pastries!"-Dave
"Meat bus?"-Mark
"Bend over and meet my little sister"-Mark
"It's not all about fucking; you can get blowjobs too."-Joe B.
"I'll homo you in the front!!!"-Kris of In My Sorrow
"Will you just fuck you!"-Mark
"I got kicked in the face??!!"-Dave
"Every band in the world sucks...except for GWAR and SLAYER!!!"-Oderus Urungus of GWAR
Alyson:"My cats love raw potatoes."
Mark:"My raw potatoes love your cats."
"I'm a suaaaave motherfucker."-Dave
"Looks like this fat Irish kid's gonna be gettin' some pussaayy!"-Rob
"She better be waiting there with bells on and a blowjob."-Dave
"Why am I working so intensely on this vagina?"-Alyson
"Where were you on that one pickle wagon?"-Seth
Seth:"You know what your problem is Mark?
Mark:"what?"
Seth:"YOU SUCK!"
"Mark's balls are always in my way."-Alyson
"I want to take a sack of infants and toddlers and slam it against a brick wall a few times."-Bill
"We all know that nothing is free; therefore, you are homosexual."-Luke Vail
"You're a fucking idiot."-Greg's dad
"If I pee my pants can ya nail me to the door and call me Ralph?"-Kieren
Seth:"Open up your cartwheel."
Mark:"I can't..."
"We could nail you to a cross and call you Jesus the Mighty Tire Man."-Dave
"Everyone loves me, because I have a big machine gun."-Dave
"I just thought I would let you know...I just saw a midget wearing a GWAR shirt."-Pam
"I'm a walking verbal atrocity, you'll have fun with me."-Pam
"Don't worry about it, no one needs fingers."-Mark
"Christ has lost his flavor, must be the botulism."-Bill
Pete:"...chemicals."
Derek:"Chemicals!?"
Pete:"Yes...CHEMICALS!!"
"My staff approves of you."-Mark
"Matt Wagner + Mark Ballboni = Matt Bell"-Bill
"Get a clumpfish in the fist place."-Mark
Alyson:"I don't have a penis."
Seth:"I don't have one either."
Greg:"But I thought you have 7?"
Seth:"I know, that's why i don't have one."
"I know how to eat children."-Seth
" I wish I was Southern so I could start a Southern rock band cuz Southern rock kicks my Northern ass."-Greg
"Here's a little bit of advice to remember kids: if you have to use a weapon...it's rape."-Joe the Drunk
"Sacks like mine are wicked big."-Mark; sung to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song.
"I wish I could quote your face."-Mark
Some girl: "I think I'm becoming a lesbian, guys give me a headache."
Dave: "Girls hurt my head too, but I'm not about to take the booty train to sausage town."
"Oh good, Megadeth, my favorite 'rock and roll' band."-Said plainly by a retard working at Building 19 1/3.
"I am going to pick up something heavy and throw it at you."-Rob
And for our good friend and "be-alrightist" Mike, that one special phrase that you cherish so dearly in your heart..."It's because I'm fat."
"I feel your pain; I once had a dream that for 3 years I was trapped in a daycare center."-Paul Wyman
"It's all about the finger strength baby."-Spongebob Squarepants.
"Eucaphalyptic croff dopps!"-Greg
"Prophylactic crotch props??"-Mark
"It takes some balls to kick someone in the nuts."-Dave...Think about it: it TAKES some balls...
"Put a picture of my balls on the website, that will start some shit talkin!"-Bill
"When I hear someone cough, I go strrraight for the crotch, just like my doctor."-Bill
"Crazy Town is poop."-Greg P.
"I get aaannggry at the ballbag!!"-Mark
"I am the king of New York."-Pete
"You pimpin' bee-atch!"-Pete
"Are you all right?"-Mark
"Sometimes."-Bill
"What time is it? It's fuck you o'clock!"-Pete
Derek B.: "Luke, I am your father!"
Luke: "You're stupid."
"Graham Landers has a huuuuge dildo in his ass."-Kelly
"If thrash metal was a color, it'd be purple."-Greg
"Get the Provincetown ass monkey out of your throat and get to work!"-Rob
"I gave you one, he agreed to it, I didn't hear the middle part, therefore you are the devil."-Dave
"I hope you get beat up by a bunch of fat guys, is that heavy enough for yah??!"-Bill
Religious girl: "I will pray for you."
Greg: "You should pray that I don't fuck you in the ass when you're asleep."
"Burn a church, build a pub!"-Mark
"If I had a magical drug penis, you know you'd lick it."-Bill
"I leave for like 2 seconds, and when I come back you're all talking about licking magical penises!"-Greg
"I laughed so hard I damn near popped a kidney out my nostrils!"-Dave
"That guy behind me is reeaaallly drivin'!"-Bill
Seth: "I'm gettin' pussy tonight!"
Dave: "Seth, leave your cousins alone."
"Bridgette's pretty cute...for a midget."-Bill
"Hey, you're talkin' to my guy all wrong...you do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron."-The Great Christopher Walken
"Real men HATE Jesus!"-Best bumper sticker ever
"I don't know who would like me...probably just some 13 year old person...I HOPE it's a person!"-Dave
Mark: "This is strange..."
Bill: "It's what fat girls do to ya."
"Word up vegan nation."-Dave
"I'm white...talk white to the white boy."-Bill
"When your holding a knife...you tend to feel very confident."-Pete
"Billsnee..billsnee...GRAAAAHHHH! BILLSNNEEEEE BILLSNEEEE AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"-Dave
"Taco Bell? Nooo, fuck Taco Bell."-Mark and Dave in perfect unison
"In this world, the penis is my foot, and your ass is the vagina; prepare to get fucked."-Pete
Mark: "Sucking dick isn't a very straightedge thing to do."
Bill: "I'm not straightedge....hey wait a minute...fuck you!!!"
"The repercussions from that shit could have been worse than a honeymoon in Afghanistan!"-Rob
Mark: "Oh come on, don't tell me you don't want to see her naked."
Dave: "Well I'm sorry that I like to get to know the personality!"
Mark: "SHE'S A PORN STAR!!!!"
Dave: "She's a good person!"
"Some people I love but some people I want to throw off a building into a crowd of AIDS patients."-Metal Jen From Florida
"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have the chance to get raped..."-Mark
"I am soooo gonna fuck Avril Levigne!"-Dave
"Dammit when is it gonna be my turn to fuck celebrities!"-Bill
"Wait, if I'm on the quotes page...I'm already a celebrity; therefore I can just go fuck myself!"-Bill
Mark: "Make sure when you're fucking yourself you're all buttery."
Bill: "Mark, I wouldn't have it any other way."
Mark: "A scissorfight is when two girls are rubbing their pussies together."
Kevin: "That's what you call that? I call it get the fuck outta my way so I can see!"
"Don't worry, he's just mad cuz I won the wiffle ball tournament."-Geoff Finnigan
"Don't run away from me clitoris!"-Alyson, from way back in the day
"I believe I'll be kidnapping a rapist on Friday..."-Mark
"When I get wet I rumble."-Dave
"I hope there are no pregnant girls there, cuz if so I'm gonna shake out the babies with my rumble."-Brian from Boston
"Her bumb is like this: ( )¿"-Mark
"I already don't trust him; he's going to kill your brother and rape you, or kill you and rape your brother. With a name like Enrique, it could go either way."-Bill
"We are a couple of hardcore motherfucking nun raping peas in a sacreligious pod of blasphemy."-Bill
"You forgot the chimp in the front."-Seth
Nicola: "I'm just going to clutter you with my junk."
Mark: "That sounded kinda dirty..."
"OoOoOoO gimme chocolate yum yums!"-Metal Ev
"I found out why I was bleeding; cuz I'm too metal not to!"-Bill
"I may eat meat, but at least I don't do shrooms all day and smell bad. So I guess I win on that one."-Metal Ev
Mark: "Hey, could you say the name of my band on stage?"
Anders Friden of In Flames: (taps on head)"I am drunk, I will forget."
"You know, not all Irish people fit the stereotypes; for example, I don't like potatoes that much, I don't drink, I don't have a small penis, and my face isn't red...but on the other hand, I am a leprechaun."-Mark
Dave: "Can you tell that I've lost weight?"
Bill: "Yeah, you're not wearing shoes."
"You call it the athiest love machine? Yeah, I'll take you in there and show you God!"-Juli
"Damn you and your masturbation lingo!"-Kerren...NOT Kieren
"Violence is the new masturbation."-Dave
"Don't worry, Rob is here to make us all feel horrible!"-Rob
Seth: "He's got a stuffa stick uhbuh...he's got a stiff guh affdabum..."
Dave: "I think what you're trying to say is he's got a stuckaffumagguhfiffa."
Mark: "You mean he's got a stick up his ass?"
"Last time I checked, cartwheels WEREN'T badass."-Metal Ev
"What is it with us and masturbation?"-Mark
"Kill 'em all, but keep the porn stars!"-Dave
"I'm gonna go use my penis in your sink...?"-Mark
"Canadian is not a religion."-Nick
"Jim Smith was an older man, but one day I happened to notice he had a very firm buttox."-One of Greg's teachers; Name withheld, you can obviously see why.
"For a nominal fee, I could sell you a small Vietnamese child."-Rickie
"I want to meet girls with a shovel."-Dave
Seth: "She does what daddy tells her."
Mark: "But...you're younger than her."
Seth: "Yeah, but I'm still her dad."
Dave: "Have you ever felt so alone that you wish you had crabs, just so you wouldn't be so lonely?"
Mark:"...I'll be leaving now."
Some girl: "Hello, may I ask you a question about God?"
Dave: "NO."
Mark: "Ewwww, it sounds like Seth is peeing on Dave's jacket!"
Dave: "AAAHHH! It feels like it too!"
"Is this thing working? Which hole do I stick it into??"-The AutoMATTa
"I am quite ashamed with my asshole for creating such putrid, vaporous atrocities."-Mark
Greg: "Is that Jebus?"
Mark: "The mother of Jebus."
Greg: "Yeah...she's a slut."
Rob: "Careful Greg, you might get eaten by a mimic down there..."
Greg: "WHAT'S A MIMIC??!!"(running away like a little girl)
Rob: "I'll show you my mimic."
Greg: "I'd like to be eaten by that mimic!"
Rob: "YOU'RE gonna be the one doin' the eating!"
Mark: "Havin' testicles is great; ya get to touch em and stuff."
Alyson: "Yeah, but...I get to put stuff in me."
"Dave Maggot WILL fuck you in the ass!"-Mark
"Biiiiig Scotttaaayyyy!!!"-Matt, while fast asleep
Boston Bum: "Hey man, got any change?"
Chris: "Sorry man."
Boston Bum: "Aww come on, you look like a cross between Doogie Howser MD and Harry Potter! You know, Doogie Howser's workin in porn now..."
Mark: "Like my new jacket? It's spiffy."
Matt: "She'll be dead soon enough..."
"See the difference between me and cheerleaders is...when I do splits, class rings don't fall out of me."-Britt
Bill: "Oh so you don't love Jesus? :("
Jessica: "I do though!"
Bill: "Ah, I hate the fucker!"
Bill: "Hey Mark, are we gonna go Nile and Napalm Death?"
Mark: "Uuuhhh...yeaaahh...what are ya, dumb??"
Joe MethalOrange: "Even though when I go to be it's like listen to q and not u."
Mark: "Uhhhmmm....what?"
Joe MethalOrange: "Aaaaah...."
Bill: "Ralph's my favorite. Ralph and Willy."
Jessica: "Hehe...okay interesting...also two nicknames of a penis. Freud would have a field day with you my friend."
ImI Ihateemo ImI: HAPPY NOEW YERARSA BRAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Well...my mom's a porn star and my dad is an international spy."-Bill
"I agree; I myself am attracted to a guy that can artificially inseminate a cow."-Jessica
Home Depot Customer: "Excuse me...where might I find the hole filler?"
Bill: "...in my pants."
Bill: "I need a gaaddamn gal to hug and kiss and shit, this is getting silly."
Pam: "Me too. Meow."
"How much do you think you'd have to pay a hitman to whack someone Jason style while they're camping??"-Bill
"My friends say I look like a serial killer; and I have at least 2 knives on me at all times...maybe I should reconsider my line of work..."-Mark
"Why am I so heeeeaaavvyyy??!!!"-Alyson, while getting out of Greg's car with her seatbelt on.
"I like staples in babies."-Jill
Bill: "Fag!"
Bill's Dad: "Douche bag."
Bill: "Ass lancer!"
Bill's Dad: "Fanny pirate!"
Bill: "Ass spelunker!"
Bill's Dad: "Rump ranger!"
Bill: "Oh that was sooo 2nd grade."
"Mark...you know I love you and your penis pictures."-Ashley
"Hah, you ever notice that Valentine's Day and venerial disease have the same initials?"-Bill
Michelle: "Friggin', Cookie Crisp used to give me the best sex! Do kids even get sex in their cereal anymore?"
Mark: "With today's economy, probably not."
"You are an abbreviation of your penis."-Ashley
Bill: "Well, you could kidnap some asian gals, and give em to me."
Pam: "Like I'd share Asian girls!"
"Vegan girls are so malnourished, so innocent. ::sharpens knife::"-Eric Davies
"Warning! I can't bounce!"-Alyson
"I hate snow like I hate...something that sucks."-Ben
"Harkins Rules"-Who DIDN'T say it??
JenniiBoobies: "Gramma's attic...sketchy. Are there a lot of dildos and weird medieval shit up there?"
Mark: "None of that stuff. Worse actually...romance novels and religious paraphernalia."
"HEY! These pancakes aren't cooked! They're still meowing!"-Matt
"I ate meatloaf with my hands on Friday. I am a fucking man."-Mark
"Who's black?...I'M BLACK!"-A drunken Dave Maggot
Pam: "What's wrong with your gender?"
Dave: "We tread the thin line between retards and cave men."
"What can I say?...I'm all about the AOL."-Mark, amidst an argument between Dave and Bill that had no pertinance to AOL whatsoever.
"MY ASS IS ASLEEP! But that's way better than having a dick in it."-Dave, spoken like a true wiseman.
"Can I put Chinese food in your asshole?"-Mark
Tim: "Whatever we do, there need to be party hats."
Mark: "Yeah, and girls...lots of girls."
Tim: "Mark...I think they prefer to be called hos."
"Dave is WORTH the fitness."-Mark
"There's always a reason to kill Ray Liotta."-Dave
"Too much vagina makes me feel uncomfortable."-Alyson
"That guy is looking at you like he's saying 'That kid just said i was a fat fuck...i should go be a fat fuck and fucking fat fuck him' ha hAW ha Haw ha HAW"-Mark...don't ask.
"...cuz I'm Darth Vader BITCH!"-Dave
Coming soon: an ORGANIZED Quotes Page! Woohoo!
