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THE GREATER MONCTON CAVALIER
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TRAMP FOUND IN PETITCODIAC
By Ben Dover

To many people who often walk the streets of Downtown Moncton the familiar sight of a cursing, spitting vagrant wearing a green raincoat and pink bobble hat had been a common sight for years. That was until last Wednesday when Mad Jack or the "Mucus Machine" as he is affectionately known, was not at his usual spot. several concerned citizens reported his absence.

Kim Jenkins of Blossom's Wig Emporium was one of the concerned. "I saw him Wednesday night outside Goolies Pool Hall urinating, its been two days now and no one knows what happened to him!"

Late Saturday evening a couple walking along the Gunningsville Bridge noticed what they thought was a large mammal in the middle of the river. The Riverview Fire Department and RCMP officers were called to the scene and were shocked to find a man standing up to his waist in thick sludge.

The rescue operation ended in the early hours of Sunday morning with the man being taken to the George DuMontage Regional Hospital. The man was later revealed as being Arthur Jackson or "Mad Jack".

Stephen Steeves with the Fire department recalled the rescue. "The guy was just standing there, bolt upright, snoring! I don't think he was aware of what was happening."

This is just the latest in a long line of incidents where mammals have been reported stuck in the now diminishing river. Harvey Doubleduch with the river authority had the last word "With the flow virtually non-existent to the causeway it appears everything and everyone is getting trapped. Mr Jackman had apparently managed to dam up the entire river for two whole days before being discovered. Something desperately needs to be done now".

Apart from a touch of dehydration Mr Jackson is expected to make a full recovery

SEEPING CHEESE VIRUS SPREADS
By Gail Forcewinds

The United States are once again in the grip of mass hysteria following a recent wave of terrorist attacks that rocked the nation.

Seven Wyoming men and two women from Jellyhide National Park were taken ill soon after finishing their shift at Grizzly's Cheese Burger Bar. Tests confirmed that they had traces of the Seepicus Fromagullicus bacteria or Seeping Cheese bacteria in their blood. This is the latest in a string of deadly viruses to be unleashed on North American soil.

Seeping Cheese Syndrome as it is commonly referred to is not believed to be life threatening. But if left untreated will cause severe yellowing of the skin and in some cases create large seeping sores. Unpleasant discharge usually follows accompanied by a lingering well matured cheesey aroma.

US and Canadian Governments are on standby and will inform the public of any further developments. For now the public have been strongly urged to refrain from buying cheese related products in any form.

SINGING HER WAY TO THE TOP
By Stella Starr

New Brunswick has had its fair share of home grown talent over the years. Names like Jester Buttons, Barry Flynn and Kamakaze Kate have all made us laugh in the world of comedy

The Glamour Boots Band, Bob Geldart and Les Merchants Macrobiotix have captivated us with their lively, knee slapping music of late.

Now raise a glass to Moncton's very own actress - Janelle Tabustintac!

Twenty-three year old Janelle, formerly of Saint Simoan, NB studied Acting and Arts in Montreal, Quebec before taking the world of stage by storm. Soon she will be off on her big adventure to take the leading role in the forthcoming movie "Maritime Misery" a haunting tale of high unemployment and broken dreams.

You can catch Janelle this weekend as she finishes a 19 day run as the leading character Gertrude in Ronnie Bazaar's "The Magic Roundabout" at the Capital Playhouse.

Just Remember where you saw this bright young talented actress first.

WILDHATS WINNING WAYS
By Dan LeBoeuf

Moncton's finest Hockey team, the Wildhats are aiming to make history this weekend by attempting to go all out for their first major win. It seems like decades Since Danny Douglas was sensationally sacked along with all the previous season's players for stealing the Wildhats Tour Bus. Then launching themselves into a four day frenzy of drink and drugs. But now everything is in place. You probably won't even recognise the new team. Don't worry you won't be the only ones!

This weekend see's the Wildhats go all out for glory against fellow New Brunswickers - 'The Acadie Bacadie Tetons'. They were last seasons golden boys. No doubt, as they won by default to the would have been finalists The Wildhats, had they not gone awol. President Robbie Irvins is confident for the season ahead.

"We've got some good young ones this season. Real fit little monsters. Raring to go! They've been practising day and night now for seven weeks.. They've been eating the ice off their skates and the skin off their knuckles in sheer determination for this season and now the day of reckoning has arrived"

We caught a quick word from the 'HATS' Captain Brent Baddeck. "Were going to smash those Tetons tomorrow night for sure. Our game strategy and that fact we have two goal tenders is going to be an obvious blow for them!" With that sure fire statement he strode confidently back into the changing room. Wish our boys luck for this weekend.

© 2001 naughty nigel productions #1