ISSUE #2! ATLANTIC CANADA'S FIRST ONLINE SATIRICAL NEWS SOURCE!

THE GREATER MONCTON CAVALIER
Crassly Written! Seldom Read!

LOCAL/NATIONAL NEWS

ENTERTAINMENT/SPORTS

CLASSIFIEDS

SANTA - A LINGERIE THIEF?
By Nicholas St. Noel

Last Saturday was the eagerly awaited annual Catwalk Bonanza at the Champagne Mall

More than thirty young men and women turned out to model the latest fall lingerie collections. However hundreds of onlookers were left disappointed when the girls were a no show. The reason? No underwear!

The girls were entering their changing room when they were met by a heavy breathing, overly dressed male wearing what seemed very like a Santa Claus outfit, stuffing their underwear into a huge sack.

"He was foul" Angelique Boudreau exclaimed. "He was grunting and breathing really heavily as he hurriedly emptied our undies into a big black garbage bin liner". Cheryl was equally un-impressed by the spectacle. "He pushed past us, sweating and panting into his beard, we had no idea what was going on!"

Minutes later Mall Security spotted the Knicker-nabber staggering across the Mall parking lot to an awaiting motorised sledge.

"Someone's gonna catch him sometime!" The senior security officer reasoned, "he had a huge reindeer's head impaled on the front of his sledge!".

The Lingerie thief it is believed, headed along the highway towards SheddyShack. His whereabouts is still a mystery. Police have nothing other than Santa Claus to go on. Mall owners and clothing retailers around the city have been asked to be vigilant on the run up to Christmas incase Santa the Knicker-nabber strikes again.

Betty Lupins, Catwalk Co-ordinator listed the items stolen as 30 pairs of ash grey silk panties, 30 black thongs, 30 BUST-UP bra's and 30 assorted silk stockings. The haul was believed to be in excess of $3000.00

HIT AND RUN ENDS STAMPEDE
By Dick Dundee

On Tuesday we reported that four adult African Elephants had escaped from Moncton Zoo. Tracking down the two-ton beasts had been overpowering but not difficult. A trail of steaming hot piles of dung had led Park rangers and rescue officers to The Meat Palace on Montagne Road. The 3am raid led to a high-speed stampede that resulted in several parked vehicles being crushed. Luckily it all ended not long after.

At approximately 5am on the corner of Assomption and Main the Elephants, seemingly respecting the pedestrian crossing were marching in single file across Main St. when a Red Jeep Cherokee driving at high speed along Champagne St. into Moncton clipped the rear of the last Elephant, span out of control and then sped up Orange St. Closely following behind was RCMP officer Terry Snatcher. He was less fortunate, he skidded and hit the side of the second to last Elephant. The impact launched Officer Snatcher through his windshield and into the stunned Elephants Anus. Fireman using giant stirrups spent nearly thirty minutes extracting the poor officer.

These extraordinary events led the Elephants to surrender and be returned to the Zoo. However Police are still on the look out for a Red Jeep Cherokee. The driver is wanted on suspicion of drink driving, failure to stop at a pedestrian walk way and hit and run on an endangered species.

WAR ON WASTE
By Ann Peltier

The recent reports of DDT and other countless toxins being discovered in many regions of New Brunswick should cause slight concern for many residents of this Province. Amazingly big newspapers and Media corporations are choosing to ignore these findings whilst the Federal Government claims it's just a blip in the eco-system.

Why then have residents in NE New Brunswick, NW New Brunswick SE New Brunswick and SW New Brunswick have proven records of pollutants in their ground soil, rivers and water processing plants? Are we living in one giant chemical fillled cess-pit?

Saint John resident Barny Rubble puts things into perspective. "My wife gave birth to a pair of Siamese Twins last summer. I thought nothing of it until last week when my next door neighbours wife - Shirly gave birth to Siamese Triplets! The poor girls. At least my girls have 3 legs to walk on!"

In Dieppers, south of Moncton, the trees of St.Absynthe Park are dying at an alarming rate. Soon the trees will just be lifeless and dead to the world. Why? Because of Jean Baptiste Sur Richelieu knows.

"It's the sewage and acidic properties in the run off from Badger Creek Road and St. Absynthe Street. The contractors have done so much pipe laying and quickfixes. The whole system is cracked and running contaminants into the Park."

All this is reminicent to the scandal of Frederick St, Sydney, Nova Scotia and the tar ponds crisis. Except here in New Brunswick, enjoying a docile, retail rewarding lifestyle coupled with being blissfully ignorant seem to go hand in hand. Why spend millions cleaning up an already polluted, undersirable, heavily forested, sparsly populated province like New Brunswick. Why not just iron out the problem and create more subdivisions!

Maybe someday your children will have the answer. Until then Jean Cretin's government will just continue in their blissful neglect for human well being!

SPANK ME OFFICER!
By Stella Starr

No its not feminine wishful thinking or any reference to homosexual desire. Its the latest offering from Tennesse playwriter Lyle Lovelace's production of "He Spanked me Officer"

Sam Bellows leads an all star cast in this true tongue and cheek adaption of Willy Maverick, a bounty hunter facing the electric chair for countless buttock spanking antics on poor innocent women.

The story is seldom faced with humour. However when Sam Billows declares "How do you wish to be spanked my pretty!" the crowd usually errupts into fits of laughter.

'He Spanked Me Officer' is currently playing at the Saint John Oil Refinary.

MOVIE GOING - A HIGH PRICE?
By Stella Starr

Have you caught a movie at Famous Faces lately? Grabbed a bite to eat while your there? Found a big hole in your wallet afterwards? No surprises then! Why does Famous Faces employ Pizza Gutt and other franchises to do their catering for them? These companies must know they're not very popular or they wouldn't be charging $6.99 for a tiny microwaved sausage and pop! Or a big bag of hot air and butter!

Kenny Jenks thinks its unfair and he works for one of the franchises. "Gee I get paid $3.99 an hour and we only sell two hot dogs all night!"

Poor Kenny maybe he would get paid more money sweeping the floors for Famous Faces themselves. Anyway life is life. Take my suggestion and bring your own food.

Alternatively try Monctons other Cinema Complex at the Crystal Chateau. Way cheaper but smaller seating. Movie go-ers the choice is yours.

© 2001 naughty nigel productions #2