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MONCTON GETS THE VOTE By Theoliste B.Jesus It's Official! Moncton is the most non-descript City in Eastern Canada. The Annual "Real people with real views" awards voted overwelmingly in Moncton's Favour. Silas Sevenup explained "Greater Moncton is always praising itself on the economic front and never where tourism is concerned. Infact its been dubbed the By-pass of the maritimes because of it's ideal Geological position. It's bland, non-descript and a seemingly endless haven for retail madness!" Silas also pointed out that while Moncton's economy is booming the rest of the province is diminishing. "What tourist in their right mind is going to spend a few days visiting a sprawling series of industrial parks with one main street?" Once again it seems Moncton has scored a home goal by further re-inforcing the popular view that it has nothing new to offer except maybe increasing it's current boundaries to accomodate for more structually challenging, unnecessary retail eyesores to add to it's collection of already bland retail parks. DONOR PLEA By Pat O'Cake Little Gaston "Gassy" Gaultier is asking for your help. Eight year old "Gassy" desperately needs a complete body transplant and is asking you, the nice folk of New Brunswick to donate. Poor Gaston was born with just his head and he is currently being kept alive by an artificial body made from a burlap sack filled with leaves and grass. With Gaston's head getting bigger as he gets older and the steady decay of leaves and grass from within his burlap filled body each day, his plight is becoming a desperate one. Gaston is not the only one suffering. His mother Basiliste has used up her Medical Insurance on thousands of dollars worth of allergy cream. You see she's allergic to burlap and her skin is one giant road map of hives and sores. "What world do we live in today where I cannot even hug my little boy!" she cried. Only last week Basiliste had to be treated for toxic plasmosis - a result of their cat Lapuce repeatedly using Gaston's bag as a kitty litter tray. Little "Gassy" needs your help now. Moncton Headstart is accepting Donations right now. Cheques and Money Orders are payable to the "Burlap Boy appeal". Help "Gassy" realise his dream of becoming an Airline Stewardess today! SHERRIF'S DEPT. RUIN SCHOOL NATIVITY By Bubba Bulwinkle Moncton Junior High bore witness to the unthinkable last week when 76 armed officers from the Sherrif's department randomly dragged 104 shocked Mums and Dads out of the School auditorium during the kids annual nativity play - "Virgin Boy of Bethlehem". Parents were dragged kicking and screaming from their seats and hustled into waiting riot vehicles before being driven to the County Courthouse where they were told to sit still and be quiet. Judge Bills Mills told the stunned abductees that they had been randomly selected to play for the Wildhats Hockey Team while manager Robbie Irvins found some real talent for his beleagured team. Cries of protest were quickly stifled as officers repeatedly force fed them gallons of Tim Horton's Coffee They had been detained for more than seven hours when Teachers and Children all hungry and waiting for their supper stormed the courthouse armed with tear gas and pepper spray. As the starving kids overmelmed the officers the Teachers dragged the caffeine intoxicated parents to safety. Late last night 76 Officers arrived at the Greater Moncton Hospital with severe foot injuries a result of having their feet nailed to the floor. Judge Bills Mills, also a casulty added that "It was very rare to see the justice system get nailed for something that quite clearly was a breach of the law" |
COUNTRY MUSIC STAR WOBBLING WANDA TAKES TO THE STAGE By Stella Starr Obese. Sweaty. Accident prone. There are so many ways to describe this talented, deep throated Texan born singer. It's the Wobbling Wanda Country fans know and love. The one girl guaranteed to fill a stadium to capacity with her oversized charms and collosal stage presence and this Friday you can see all of her right here in Moncton. "Yeehah!" Wanda bellowed, wiping the creamy white head of her beer from her moustache. "Ahm in town shakin' mah thang to one and all" she continued, dribbling. "Ah lurve to ennertain, dress lak a Cowboy and stomp wi mah Geetar!" Wanda, born Veruca Shuttlecock, a native of the small Texan community of Sombre is still close to her roots. "Ah stay home an eat, drink and slaughter pigs with ma Pa's stun gun!" she proudly admits. "People think ah whoop it up each an ev-ery day. No Sir-ee! Ah jus' love to binge and stuff!" Wanda hopes her opening night will be a marked improvement on her last gig in Boston where she sustained severe injuries to her buttocks and developed a rather protruding hiatus hernia. "Ah was beein lowered onto tha stage an as soon as they unhooked me the floor collapsed, ah fell 10ft into the basement. But ah wus lucky because ah landed right in the hospitality suite and took the liberty of feasting mah self till the emergancy crews arrived!" Wanda hopes it won't be the case this time. "So lawng as mah pants don't split ah will be fahn!" she laughed spraying bits of hotdog into my face. Wanda's new album "Fat Ole Sow" is out now on K-Tel.
Annual Hammock Twirling gets the thumbs up By Dreena Wibble Fort Bunion, ALTA. The 2001 Hammock Twirling Championships got under way here last Thursday easily out selling the Calgary Buffalo Street Stampede! Thousands of spectators and wannabe twirlers from all over Canada showed up for the 3 day event. The rules are simple. Sixteen teams, dressed in floral gingham dresses and steel toe capped boots, each have to twirl 2 hammocks around eachother until dizzyness and fatigue sets in. The last team twirling after 3 days wins. Former Hammock Twirler Stan Stipowicz remembers last year. "It's a tough event" It saps all the energy from you. Standing there twirling 2 hammocks over your head for over 72 hours is a tall order. I remember last year our team gave up after 63 hours due to loss of bowel control. We all had diarroeah it was the pits" This year any such accidents will not be so noticeable. Every member has the option of wearing a giant dyper incase of such emergencies. As we went to press reigning Champions "The Kick-ass Dollyboys" were knocked out just leaving 3 teams twirling after 58 hours. |
FOR SALE Slightly leaky Breast Implants. One careless owner. Call Trudisha, 555-8671 BIG Bearskin rug. Comes complete with stuffed head and paws. Call Bruce Rockerpanel, 555-HUNT HAIRY Westie dog. Needs more love than I can give to it! Goes by the name David Hasselhoff. Call Janet, 555-0181 WET suit. Made of latex. Small rip in the rear. One owner. Comes with goggles, gas tank and mouthpiece. Ideal for swimming and diving amongst other things. Call Raymond 555-9991 BEAVER table saw, precision drive, 10" long. $175 ono. Never misses it's target. Call Jarrett, 555-4555 WANTED A rare Filipino Laughing hyena to share jokes with. Will pay big dollars. Call, Mr. Miagi 77789-70000001-87654-EXT.3456789 TWO care givers. To wash, change and feed my son. Allergy suffers need not apply. Call Basiliste on 555-BURLAP LARGE Bazooka req'd for private party. Call Major League, 555-BANG HAIRY Beast looking for female/male brutes to hang out and play with. Loves Badminton, Pizza and breaking wind. Call the Hairy Hornmeister 555-PUBES BALLS at really low prices! Footballs, soccer balls, tennis balls, ping pong balls, Golf balls, Men's balls. We've got Balls! Come down to our store located on Mountain Road. Or Call 555-ALLBALLS PERSONALS Banish fear and lonliness. Seek joy & fulfillment. Visit Debbie's Spanking Geriatrics or call Ms. Demenour at 555-SPANK Today! Fortune Tellers. Visit Psychic Pete. 108 years of experience and knowlege. Palm reading, seances and hours of Ouijja board fun. Call now, 555-FORTUNE Fun loving Party animal who enjoys drug abuse seeks friend or anything really to share in wild and crazy adventures. Likes LSD, Cocaine, Crack. Heroin a bonus. Call Crazy Cat, 555-SPEED New in town. Prefers a shy, middle aged men to show me around. I'm an athletic 23 year old ex-cheerleader and Playboy Centerfold. Please email me at pinkpompoms@blondass.net Love Goats? Then you'll love me! I'm a 45 year old farm girl who enjoys frollicking on the farm. Are you? Then Call Hazeletta, 555-2738 Deeply Religious Man. Seeking deeply religious Woman. To do deeply religious things in Deeply Religious places. Must be deeply Religious. Say "Yes" to Religion and embrace it with me. Call, Moses 555-4444 JOBS REGIONAL RCMP in conjunction with the County Sheriff's Office are looking for keen, dynamic, alert individuals who enjoy chasing, aggrevating and abusing every day folk in the Greater Moncton Area. We currently have 76 positions available. If you think you've got what it takes to serve the people and protect them from drugs, car thieves and Junior high school kids. Call 555-RCMP Now! SECURITY OFFICER. Keen feisty individual with a proven crimminal record urgently needed to fill the following position for a tree surgeon company operating out of Renous. If you have recently been released into the community then this will be the ideal job for you. Guns and traps supplied for the successful candidate. Call 555-CUTS DATA INPUT CLERKS. Efficient, fast typists with good eye to hand co-ordination req'd to work in a large data processing office. Must be able to type 175,000 wpm. If you suffer from RSI don't apply! Call 555-KEYPAD WEB DESIGNER. No previous skills req'd. Must be able to work flexible hours. The successful candidate will create banners and pop-ups for XXX rated sites. If you have a huge appetite for pornographic material the jobs yours. Call Spunkjunkie, 555-0101 MODEL REQUIRED. Satin Sheets modelling agency requires an Anorexic or Bullimic teenager to model bed linen. The succesful applicant must be able to hold things up, including themselves. Call Suzanne, 555-MODEL |
© 2001 naughty nigel productions #3 |
