MONCTON GOES ONION RING CRAZY
By Bilboa Baggins
Fast food giants are struggling to keep up this Christmas. But the question is why?
This Christmas is no different, or is it? Well yes actually this Christmas is very different. Onion Rings Mania has
struck the simple townsfolk of Greater Moncton.
Thousands of brainless, consumer delierous individuals are
queueing in the aisles to get their golden breadcrumb rolled rings. All thanks to the massive hype and publicity thats been
force fed into our homes to the run up of J R Ewings' - "Lord of The Onion Rings"
Manager of Deluxe Frites Francais Gerard Gaudin said "All week the people there, they want the rings, I tell them
we have none. I sell frites and burgers no rings!" One happy camper who wanted only to be known as "Chevman"
declared "everyday should be rings day!" as he force fed a whole plate of rings down his throat!
Edgar Bromide
head of sales and advertising knows why there is a rush for rings "There is one Onion ring in the whole of Moncton
that is really a solid gold ring. The person lucky enough to bite into it and shatter their teeth will be one wealthy
but dentally challenegd son of a gun!"
You heard it! keep chomping Moncton you never know - it
could be you!
SANTA FACES CHIMNEY BAN
By Betty Sweaver
At City Hall last Monday night Moncton Mayor Brian Duffy
passed new legislation prohibiting Santa Claus from unlawfully entering Citizens homes via their Chimneys.
This is yet another blow for thousands of toddlers hoping to get a glimpse of the Bearded Red Baron
this Christmas Eve.
"How do we know if it's Santa or a burglar that is entering homes on Christmas Eve?
It's a risk I'm not prepared to take!" Mayor Duffy offered in his defense.
Since the Great Santa Robbery
of 1963 North Americans have opted for homes without Chimneys and installed state of the art security systems,
preferring instead to buy their own kids presents instead of Santa.
"Business has been poor!" a
spokesperson for SANTA INC. recently said. "He will still deliver to Saint John and Sydney, Nova Scotia but
hightened security in today's homes coupled with age old French Ancestrial customs of getting totally wasted
on vegetarian dips and alcohol all through the early hours of Christmas morning has literally scared Santa off!"
Already thousands of Moncton residents are suffering the embarrassment of having to buy their
kids presents because many homes don't have Chimneys and open fire places. Now with no means by which Santa
can lawfully get into peoples houses unawares more disappointed residents are rushing to the Malls to get
their kids gifts in time for Christmas.
Is this another of Duffy's schemes to boost economy in a City
already submerged in a sea of retail madness?
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SVEN LAMBORGINI'S "THE NUTCRACKER" COMES TO MONCTON
By Stella Starr
In keeping with modern times many classic fairy tales are being
given a new facelift. Classic Christmas tale "The Nutcracker" is no exception.
In Sven's updated version 'Fifi' played by Janice Arbuckle is the owner of a wooden toy soldier who cracks nuts
with his mouth. In this adaption Fifi travels to khandahar, Afghanistan to avenge the men who castrated her poor
American boyfriend 'Jim' played by Burt Ward.
Whilst in Khandahar Fifi sets about seducing the wicked castrators before subjecting them to her little wooden soldier,
played by Italian actor Giovanni Testicolos.
"It's painful to watch" Giovanni grimaces, "Once I start cracking those nuts, all hell breaks loose!"
The Nutcracker is playing from 22-24th December at the Capidull Theatre. Tickets for the show are on sale now.
Be sure not to miss this "Nutcracking" bonanaza!
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BOOZE YOU CONSUMED THIS CHRISTMAS???
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WILDHATS ON ICE
By Steven S Steeves
If you go into the Colesium today you'll be in for a big surprise...
Yes! The Wildhats and The Tetons are to go head to head in a marathon fairytale style shootout.
In the Festive spirit of things New Brunswick's only two teams will subject eachother to a barrage of hockey sticks
and pucks as each team member attempts to navigate the perils of the Fortress On Ice.
The game is simple. Each team member will be dressed in a Pantomime costume and will have to skate blindfolded
through the twisty, perilous confines of the Ice Fortress. It won't be easy. They have to survive life threatening
injuries from flame throwers, boiling water and flying pucks. Once through the player is free to score at the goal.
"I think the sight of Goldilocks, Cinderella or Little Red Riding Hood being repeatedly wacked while fending off fire
and water without any idea where they are going will be a most satisfying one." Robbie Irvins, Wildhats boss commented
yesterday.
Real Pavements, Tetons coach added "I can't wait to see who has to dress like Cinderella! The frock will be an awful handicap!"
Wildhats On Ice will be played live at the Coliseum on Saturday 21st December at
7pm.
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FOR SALE
HAND HELD
wireless pocket computer. Very good companion
to show off to people at business luncheons or down the pub to impress the ladies with. Call Vain individuals @
555-JACKASS
VIBRATING
giraffe. Hours of fun. Works best outside during Jan/Feb. For enquiries call "Melanson's frozen endangered species",
555-5678
BANANAS
Semi-automatic pre-loaded ready to peel. Taste the goodness, taste life. Call Oral Heaven, 555-4569
WANTED
SNOW Plenty of it! My little kid wants to spend his
winter in an igloo like all Canadian kids do. Please deliver 6000 cubic feet to Jimmy's House on North Street
WHITE
satin stain-proof sheets for sexy swingers who love writhing in the juices of life! Call Maurice and Percy, 555-9872
BEDS
Jolly couple seeking employment as bed spring testers. Will work in showrooms or private homes Call Noddy,
555-BOING!
SEVEN
singing waiters to sing and play their instruments infront of customers as they dine in the ambience of my newly opened
Italian Restaurant. Call Gigolo Jo, 555-1239
DWARFS
at really low prices required to act with Snow White in the upcoming movie "Snow White Does Dallas" Call Mucky Marcel,
555-FAIRYTALE
PERSONALS
Man seeks man. I want to massage your stress into a sticky mess! Call
Tempting Trixie, 555-RELIEF
Wife Wanted. Single 79 year old male bush pilot seeks little lady to come home to. If you can handle a little excess
baggage Call Normand, 555-007
Single Woman seeks Male companion who likes eating custard out of his shoes whilst doing handstands in
womens undies and chopping raw onions with his pork sword. Call Betticia, 555-7856
MILITIA
Currently clearing out my Aircraft hangar. One fully operational 1976 Harrier
Jump Jet Aircraft. FN condition. A real steal at $200,000. Fun accessory to have at outdoor fetes etc. Call
Lagace LeBlanc For further information at 1-800-222TIPS
AK 47 RIFLE. Brand new. Mint Condition. Tried and tested. Comes complete with several live rounds. Buy it now while
it's cheap. Hours of outdoor and indoor fun. I'd keep it but I'm up for murder one. Call Machine-Gun Kelly,
555-4598
NAUGHTY NIGEL PRODUCTIONS WISH
YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
THANKS FOR READING!
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