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MAN SURRENDERS AFTER SHOOTING OFF HIS ARM By Roger Gionet Sleepy Hollow, NB A man was arrested yesterday following a suspicious shooting incident. Bryan Belcher, 53 was found bleeding to death on his front porch shouting obscenities at his severed arm. Police blamed Alcohol. A liquid substance that can cause delusional thoughts, dizzyness, loss of co-ordination and blurred vision if consumed in large doses DUFFY SAYS YES TO SUNDAY SHOPPING By Babette Blitzer Having cast the deciding vote in a well staged Council debate. Mayor Barry Duffy proudly voted in favour of 24 hour shopping 7 days a week. "Moncton economy will boom!" he roared as members of the public gallery threw soggy six week old cabbage and lettuce in protest. The portly proclaimer demanded order and threatened to remove the rowdy protestors if they persisted in throwing the rotten vegetables. "Public opinion is not an issue here" he bellowed defiantly, raising a class of champagne to his chubby face. "Years of wheeling and dealing has resulted in personal wealth and glory. The chosen few will not be undermined by the people of Greater Moncton!" he continued. It was not what everyday folk wanted to hear. It's good news for Business that Mayor Duffy cast the 'Yes' vote, but misery for thousands of locals who already take anti-depressants and laxitives to supress their overwelming desire to shop shop shop without really knowing why. BREEDING ESSENTIAL ELEMENT IN ECONOMY BOOM By Daphne Rubble NB Premier - Bunjay Cord has declared February 14th "Breeders Day!" and has called for residents of Westmorland County to participate in this campaign. Cord says the event is aimed at stimulating growth and stabilising the future of Greater Moncton Businesses. "We need more people to populate South Eastern New Brunswick" Bunjay Cord said. "This province has remained below 800,000 people for an incredibly long time and we need to aim for 900,000 residents before next December. If Moncton is to survive this so called Business Boom then it's population has to reach 200,000 if it has any chance of surviving the current onslaught of retail outlets put forward by Mayor Duffy!" Teenagers and Newly weds welcome Mr Cords 'Day of breeding' but less fortunate individuals like Bernie Tomms who had the snip in 1954 and the Savoie's who can't afford kids due to maxing their credit cards each day in the Mall will just have to watch TV instead. FAST FACT: Acadiens were renowned for centuries for being big breeders. It was not uncommon for a mother to give birth to 24 siblings over 20 years. Infact even today you'll still get adults proclaiming that they are the youngest in a litter of 19 children! TROOPS ALLOWED TO LEAVE CANADA By General Donald Leduc After nearly 16 weeks of waiting 5 very brave Canadian soldiers from Fort Boulder, ALTA will finally join the rest of their Comrades from the US and Europe in the continuing War on Terrorism. "Canada is already doing a sterling job with its fleet of three 1940's War ships." Retired General Bob Mulch expalined. " Two which has already made it to the Gulf of Mexico and the other stopping off briefly in the Port town of Jamaica to get a MickDonalds.". Now with ground troops ready to fly in to help round up the Terrorists Canadians can again salute their proud nation. Our hearts go out to you boys for waiting so long |
NEW BRUNSWICK'S HOTTEST COMEDIANS HEAD ALL-NIGHTER By Stella Starr Fun loving local comics Jester Buttons and his faithful sidekick Randy Gills are reprising their roles as 'Gaiten from Grande-Digue' and 'Jethro the Redneck' for the upcoming Trashcan Comedy Festival. The 3 day extravaganza includes humorous legends like British export Jimmy Cockles - 'Nice to see ya, to see ya nice', Flash the four-legged horse, The Conjoined Quadruplet Chorus boys and Nancy Nails (It's never a dull moment with her hammer!) There will be Live Music, a Mystery Theatre presentation by our very own Jester Buttons and a traditional seafood seance by the "Hommes Sur la Mer" Tickets go on sale Monday for the 3 day spectacular. Watch this space for more riveting entertainment round ups in your region!
STICKY FINGERS FOR LOCAL MASCOTT By Brad Bantick The Mascott for Moncton's premier basket ball team - Eric the Parrott was thrown out of the game late Thursday night after referee Alan Binks caught Eric ejaculating on Court! The ejaculation came with 3:12 left to play. "I cannot believe it happened" exclaimed the Ref, "Eric the Parrott has been the focal point of this team since it began and for this to happen infront of parents and children is just so sad!" The game was halted for 10 minutes while the court was disinfected and cleaned for fears the players might slip while bouncing their balls around. As we went to press Eric the Parrott was facing charges of lewd behavior in a public place and when attempting to be interviewed replied "Who's a pretty boy then!"
HOCKEY NEWS By Neil Down The Moncton Mighty Midgets have sensationally put a bid in for the Wildhats team! So far sixteen kids under 11 have saved $126.75 and pledge to keep saving until the asking price of $500,000 for the club by Bobby Irvins has been met. Meanwhile the Midgets beat the Giants 11-7 infront of a home crowd of 27. |
FOR SALE Bert the Bulldog. Eats Anything and is fond of kids! Call Aubergene, 555-6111 LUKE SKYWALKER'S lightsaber. Original 1977 fully operational toy. $500 ono. Phone Barry at 555-ZAPP! HEART-SHAPED Diamond. The perfect gift fopr Valentine's Day. Or that forthcoming engagement. Call Nancy 555-2222 RING Selling off my collection of stolen jewellery. Check me out at 555-FIND PIECE of antique furniture. One restored chair leg. Excellent shape. Call Bernard 555-4499 WANTED 50 girls for stripping machine operators in local factory. We do not tear your clothing we do it by hand. Call Desmond, 555-STARKERS BROWN Grizzly Bear costume. For sightseeing trips. Call Pat, 555-5337 STAINED glass window for recently built Church. Please call Lord of the Motherhood, 555-GIVE UNDERWEAR Bra's panties, thongs, nylons you name it. 75% of retail prices. Call Silky Sandra, 555-6789 PERSONALS Drive me wild! Flygirl seeking Black male homeboy, age 46-55. Likes playing hard to get, hiding from the law and fast cars. Widowed blonde with School age kids requires kind warm man to assume general housekeeping duties. While out with the boys. Call Sadie 555-7896 Man to take care of a cow that does not smoke or drink. Call Farmer Palmer, 555-1237 Man, 26 looking for woman 18-25. Honest, will take anything. Call Mr Manipulator 555-7899 Love Groundhogs? Then you'll love me! I'm a 45 year old cave dweller seeking a crazy blind old witch to share eerie fireside cackling with. No phone. Just visit the old mine. Albert County Area Good time girl needs well endowed man. Why run the risk of being cheated on by someone else when you can cum here first! Call Sweet Sue, 555-Temptress JOBS 5 YEAR-OLD Teacher needed for Pre-School. Experience preferred. Call Jeanne, 555-6277 BUTCHER. Muscular, butch unemotional meat lover required to chop, slice, pack dead Cows and pigs in an abbatoire. Previous experience with a Meat Cleaver essential. Call 'Bibby's Butchers' 555-2389 BAKER. Feisty, Fast, Efficient. That's how we like our SOB's. This is an early birds job. Must be excellent with a rolling pin and be prepared to wear a hat. Call 'The Bread Winners' at 555-3838 CANDLESTICK-MAKER. No previous skills req'd. Must be flexible. The successful candidate will make Candlesticks and be real good with wicks etc. If you love playing with gelatine, TNT and Firecrackers come visit Bob in his Bunker or call 555-BANG! ILLITERATE? Do you find communicating in today's society demanding? Please write to us at Reed & Right Bros, if you can and we'll help you for free! |
© 2002 naughty nigel productions #5 |
