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Volume 1 Issue 14  |  Greater Moncton's Unreliable News Service  |  Well written, seldom taken seriously  |  Contact us  

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  MOVIE REVIEWS

Mullets At The Movies.

 
Hi Skip Manzerak here. Your ever loving local pot-headed Movie Reviewer. To coincide with Moncton's Annual Mullet Festival celebrations I have decided to review my personal all-time top ten Mullet Movie Masterpieces.


Charlie's Mullets (2000)

 
Based on the successful TV show of the 1970's. Charlie's Mullets did wonders on the big screen too. This is femme Mullet action at its best. The slow motion fight scenes did it for me. Especially the part in which Lucy Loo's character does a 360 degree spin sending her assailants crashing to the ground with her exceedingly deadly mullet roundhouse. Pure Mullet movie magic from start to finish.


Full Metal Mullet (1987)

 
Based on a true story in which America sends a platoon of top Marines armed with metallic Mullets to Vietnam during the 1960's to restore some order over there. I loved the Vietnamese anti-mullet heat seekers and the US metal edged Mullet Machetes. Lots of blood, gore and extreme battles to be had here. A top class army flick.


Goldmullet (1965)

 
A classic 007 movie starring the king of Mullet method actors Sean Canary. In this instalment, 007 goes in search of the most expensive Mullet in movie history - Goldmullet. A ruthless gangster. But before 007 can square off with Goldmullet he must endure the onslaught of Boobjob and her titanium torpedo's. A true 1960's masterpiece!


Gone With The Mullet (1939)

 
A true Hollywood great. A love story like no other. A swanky suave butler falls in love with a rich young spinster in a big old house in the mid-west. Everything goes great until a huge tornado rips through their house blowing off the butler's mullet in the process. Without his mullet for comfort and confidence the butler's life begins to fall apart. It's a true hair-raising piece of thirties cinematography.


Mad Mullet (1982)

 
Mel Gibson made the Mullet. From Mad Mullet to Lethal Mullet. This pint sized actor looked larger than life. It all started here in the Australian outback in 1982 with Mad Mullet. A post apocalyptic tale of a warrior on the warpath in the outback. Had he and MTV never been born doubtless to say the Mullet wouldn't have either.


Mullet Spotting (1997)

 
Scottish writer and frequent drug abuser Irwin Welsh decided to write a book about Glasweigan crack-heads and the stuff they experienced. However it had Irwin's usual twist of the bizzare. Young adolecent crack-heads with mullets. These Mullet wearing Jocks showed to the world that just like in the poverty stricken suburbs of North America you can also feel proud of your Mullet in Scotland. Irwin's message to the world worked!


The Mullet Strikes Back (1980)

 
The second instalment of George Lucozade's original Star Spores triology is without question the best. Hands Solo, Chewmullet and Luke Mulletwalker go up against the forces of the Dark Mullet - Luke's father. The end of the movie is spectacular. The best father and son Mullet duel ever!


Raging Mullet (1980)

 
Hollywood icon Robert DeHero stars in a great tale of blood and glory. True boxing at it's best. DeHero gives a heart wrenching account of a boxer who believes his Mullet holds an inner will to win. This is also the first movie to show what a mullet headbutt looks like. A whole lot more enjoyable than all the dismal Rocky flicks put together.


Snow White & The Seven Mullets (1937)

 
A classic Dibsney cartoon from the 1930's. Snow White is a young girl gets all lost in the forest and soon befriends seven little Mullets. There's Dozy mullet, Happy Mullet, miserable mullet and sleepy mullet, plus some more. All with different personalities. It taught kids the world over that Mullets have feelings too!


2001 A Space Mullet (1968)

 
Set in the year 2001 a group of astronauts get horrifically killed onboard their spacecraft by their on board computer V.A.L. Ray is the only survivor and he sets about destroying V.A.L by jamming his mullet into the computers memory banks. A classic Stanley Cuebrick film.




  ENTERTAINMENT

The Stella Starr Column.

 
Well another year is almost over. Well not quite but you know. I'm not 21 anymore and I'm no spring chicken looking for a big strong guy to have wicked times with!

Anyway this year so far has been rather good for one little fella and our Province too. Yep we all remember what happened back in the spring, (well those of us with a passion for all things French-Canadian at least) our little fella from Up North won The Quebec version of "American Idol"

For me the whole thing reeked of dullness from start to finish. I mean how the heck are you supposed to gain a worldwide audience when all the songs are about Fishing, poor people collecting beer cans off the side of the road and and how Grandma used to make wicked bake apples?

Anyway Wilbert Boulier did a sterling job showing the other 15 Quebecois that coming from a tiny village in New Brunswick and having a great beautician has what is required to take it to the top

Moving swiftly onto something a little diffrent. With the Mullet season in full swing I couldn't resist doing a review of the latest album by Marilyn Mullet.

 
Marilyn has always managed to provoke, tease and annoy people with is love of the surreal. His latest offering continues to do all the above mentioned and more only this time he sticks to a theme - Mullets.

Beautiful Mullets contains 12 wonderful rollercoaster tracks. My favourite being "Nail The Mullet Baby" Its candy laced lyrics and metallic thunder of beats really makes you gert goosebumps. Marilyn really tries hard here to let us the listener in on his childhood memories of a life with his drunken Mullet wearing mother and how he used to be teased in the local fish shop. My Album of the summer for sure!

 
With The Moncton Annual Mullet fest in full swing let me enlighten you in agreat promotion that KFM is giving away during the Summer long fest. For every purchase of the Crackpot's Family Meal you get a free mouthwatering Mullet Burger and biggie fries! So if you are a little on the tight end with your cash this is the perfect treat for Grandpa!

Other great events to look out for this Summer is the Philadelphia Body Branding Troupe. They'll be doing some live branding at the Capidoll Theatre here on Main St From August 33rd-35th.

Maritime Poet Darlene MacMaster returns to Downtown Moncton to give you hearty souls her latest Poetry readings on the corner of Main St. This Nova Scotian native knows a good poem and isn't afraid to yell it to ya! Her husband Bob is on hand to provide some sound effects with his amazingly musical elongated washboard chin.

That's all I got time to rustle up for you fiddle loving folks. See you in the fall maybe...




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