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BREAKING NEWS
Lord Vader Sworn In To Keep Peace In The Middle East.
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WASHINGTON DC—US President George Wubbleya Bush has given his blessing to send Lord Darth Vader to the Middle East in a final attempt at eradicating months of mounting tensions there.
This comes just one week after Bush announced he could no longer divide his time between eliminating weapons of mass destruction, tackling the Axis of Evil and
sorting out tensions in the Middle East. By giving power to Lord Vader and his Imperial army, Bush hopes it will allow him to concentrate on more serious matters such as
golf, insider trading and protecting homeland security. Lord Vader has made it very clear that if anyone steps out of line drastic intergalactic measures will be enforced.
The Onion Slicer Strikes Again.
FREDERICTON, NB— The notorious Nova Scotia knife-wielding terror known only as 'The Onion Slicer' has stuck again.
This time slicing his way through hundreds of unsuspecting onions in a Country Buffet style restaurant in Fredericton. RCMP officer
Bert Biggs voiced his concerns. "This is the first time The Onion Slicer has jumped Provinces! I urge all citizens to be vigilant!"
The outbreak began in Cape Breton two weeks ago in a Sydney Clucky Chicken restaurant. Since then Halifax, Truro and Amherst
have all had visits from the onion-slicing maniac. "One can only assume he's heading for the US Border! God only knows what
mayhem he will cause if he ends up there!" Officer Biggs concluded. Latest victims - Kitty and Brad Futtock were enjoying a
well earned night out at the Country Buffet last Tuesday when they almost died in their chairs. Their platter of liver and boiled onions
had been sliced to smithereens! The shocked Futtocks immediately called the Restaurant manager and he summoned the Police.
"Five incidents of onion-slicing in two weeks! Lord only knows where this evil onion butcher will strike next!" Brad Futtock exclaimed.
RCMP officers have currently set up roadblocks in and out of the province. Citizens are urged to report anything suspicious in the way
their meals have been prepared.
N.B. Farmers Offer Excess Hay For Starving Alberta Residents.
The City of Moncton has given
the green light to send 80,000 tons of hay to Calgary residents in an attempt at reducing
famine and drought currently sweeping across Southern Alberta. For weeks now many
residents have been living off popcorn and bagels following a total ban on food produce in
and out of the province. Hay thought to be high in nutrients and an excellent supplement for the digestive
system will help to reduce the suffering of tens of thousands of people. Rick Tuttle a farmer
of Can Opener Forks, NB was the brainchild behind the relief package. "It was simple, us
Farmers in New Brunswick have a lot of hay lying around. All we do is cut it every year and give it to the cattle.
We don't need to grow any real produce as we get all that from the States. So the wife and I figured that
those poor folks out west would best benefit from our hay. It tastes great with sugar and milk!" Way to go
Rick!
Man Arrested For Downtown Sewage Spill
MONCTON, NB—Thirty-six year old Galtreau Gillespe of Moncton was charged Saturday for unlawful sanitation disposal arising from
what Police described as a 'Dirty great hole in the occupants backyard'. Mr Gillespe had reached a depth of six
metres when he accidentally struck a sewage pipe causing a sixty foot geyser of raw sewage to spew out of control.
When asked what he was doing Mr. Gillespe replied "I'm digging a hole to China" Apparently the accused could not
afford to take a vacation and decided digging would be cheaper. The clean-up bill is estimated to be in the tens of
thousands.
Man Suffers Abdominal Complaint After Swallowing A Cow
Sheddyak, NB—A 33 year old Sheddyak man was recovering from a grueling
five hour operation late last night following a family barbeque. The 440lb, 5ft 2in tall man began suffering from delusions and convulsions yesterday afternoon
after relatives had warned him to stop gorging on uncooked beef. The task of moving Mr Lambdry was not easy. He had to be lifted into a huge fire bucket
then flown by helicopter to the Gerry DuPont Hospital. Emergency surgery was performed on the helipad. Chief Surgeon, Artie Blower was shocked by what he saw. "After
opening up Mr. Lambdry we discovered an entire Cow lodged inside Mr. Lambdry's left ventricle. Further exploration revealed the remains of five other partly
digested cows blocking up his colon. After stapling his stomach and putting him on a diet of cod liver pills we advised him to get a TV deal and do some
low calorie Sandwich ads."
Kidnap Victim Shot In Kidnap Confusion.
An 89 year old man was fatally wounded yesterday when crime investigators raided a vacant cake shop.
Ernest Sponge, a retired retiree was mistakenly identified as the kidnapper of a 22 year old
woman. When infact she had kidnapped him! Jennifer LaRoche had been reported missing two days earlier
by her worried husband Don. This led crime investigators to speculate foul play. What really
happened was that Jennifer, in a fit of rage abducted 89 year old Ernest as payback for him closing the cake shop.
The victim's family had planned on launching a business suit but opted for a law suit instead.
New Subdivision Gets Green Light
If you live on Umbilical Street get ready to move because City Council gave the go ahead for work to start on a brand new subdivision this week.
Umbilical street residents like Theoliste Fauvre however are less than happy. "This was a brand new street two years ago! We bought our house for
$140,000 now city council are marking our home up for demolition because the property is too old!" Councilor Regina Scabies of Moncton's 'La Rage district'
stood by her decision despite having angry residents pour hot tar over her. "Moncton is a city where the residents are older than the housing they
live in. A rare commodity here in Canada. We want to keep it that way. Construction is vital to our economy and re-inventing ourselves is what makes
us unique. Look at me I was a male high school Football graduate with a promising career until I opted for a sex change!"
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TOP STORY
Dick Head Reports
On Police In Paradise
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Greater Moncton Police are the envy of the whole of North America according to retired Texan Cop
Archibald Panzarotti. "It doesn't get easier than up there in New Brunswick" he recently told me from his home. "Cops get to drop in for lunch and dinner with their families
up there!", he sniffed, pulling a large piece of crusty debris from his nose. "They do a couple of loops around the highway and sit and chat for hours!", he continued,
scraping phlegm up from his throat.
New York Cop Benny Barracus offered a similar view. "Hats off to them fella's. I'm sure we all wanna have
over manned and under worked cops, that way there's no time for crime. But, don't forget though were talking about New Brunswick a province the size of a small donut.
I mean if you take a piece of land with a few moose, and a few people, and plenny a Cops, crime's bound to be minimal!"
Ontario area head of Police
Merlin O'Hanratty however had these harsh words of criticism.
"There's been a steep increase within major Canadian cities where many of our hard working Cops have
put in for transfers to New Brunswick just to get an extended holiday! To me that is shunning responsibility. A good Cop is a hard working Cop not a Cop that
sits in a car all day playing Gamboy or whatever on their in car computers! We get these Police from New Brunswick, bored out of their mind and looking for action
and within a week of working the streets of a real city they end up in the nut farm! Those East Coast varmints truly are laughing at the rest of North America and their taxpayers too!"
Well I'll leave you the ever faithful public to decide. Right now I'm off to the annual State Trooper look-a-like ball...
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