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BREAKING NEWS
New Brunswick Town Overrun With Cows
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Confusion, chaos and steaming piles of cow dung could best describe St. Stephen, NB
last weekend. The town dubbed the Chocolate Capital of Canada literally overnight became
the Cow Capital of Canada.
Local Resident Elroy Bumfilth could not believe his eyes. "I heard all this mooing and thought
my wife had invited some of her friends round for tea and biscuits, then I looked out the window and saw a
steady stream of cows making for the International border. Boys the streets were
choked up!"
Cars and trucks were backed up to St George trying to get in to Calais, Maine. Customs
officers stateside were in a real mess. Each cow had to be checked internally for possible
weapons of mass destruction. The only weapons they found were steaming piles of crap.
The cows had decided they wanted to head south for the winter following New Brunswick's
decision to give all their surplus hay to Alberta last month. The cows found that without
the hay for nourishment and bedding they would seek refugee status south of the border.
By dawn the following day the cows had moved to pastures new. Leaving St. Stephen NB and
Calais, Maine, with the long task of cleaning up their streets.
Planned celebrations on hold at historic Acadian landmark.
BAY OF FUNDY— Isle Tabernac was at the centre of an International storm this week as plans to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the landing oflegendary explorer Yves St Tabernac
grew into a heated debate. The twenty foot island situated approximately 24km's of the coasts of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Maine appears still
to be unclaimed. Yves had claimed it for France but they had no use for it being so small and far away so Yves headed for Florida instead to retire in West Palm beach.
Heritage Minister for New Brunswick, Hermaloid Euclide Germaloid LeBouef wants Isle Tabernac to be fitted out with fast food restaurants and a gas station in keeping with
New Brunswick traditions, while Nova Scotia's Foreign Minister Bill MacLeblanc thinks a simple plaque and a 17th century Piggery will suffice. Over in the States Senator
Bruce Bains insists the whole Island should be developed into a yachting arena. It is also undecided who will officially
open the island. Some prefer The Queen while others feel George Bush might be the better choice. Either way the future of the Island remains in doubt for some time yet!
Hurricane Bullwinke heads for the Maritimes.
The Hurricane that George Bush elevated to a code red because he was unsure if it was an act of terrorism is
headed for the heart of the Maritimes. Hurricane Bullwinkle a category 'A' hurricane has already wreaked havoc in many New England States leaving many Men and
women wigless and afraid to go out. The estimated damaged ran into the millions with the elderly being the hardest hit. Meteorologists are predicting Moncton, New Brunswick
as being the epicentre. If that is to be believed then people are warned to stay indoors or if they prefer at one of Moncton's many Mall locations. For more information
check out www.theweathernetwork.com for latest updates.
Naked Man Tries To Enter Cockpit
HALIFAX, NS—An Air Canuck flight bound for Newfoundland was forced to make an emergency landing in
Halifax after a naked passenger tried to storm the cockpit with his penis. ATwenty nine-year old father of twelve, suddenly leapt to his feet, shouted
"It's my birthday!" and ran to the cockpit where he proceeded to rip his
clothes off. Within seconds the excited man was wrestled to the floor. His motive was unclear but apparently he wanted to show the pilots a
tattoo of an jet liner he had recently had put on his manhood. When asked why he was compelled to do it he said "For world peace"
He has currently been extradited to the United States on terrorism charges and is expected to get a stiff sentence.
Trucker Charged After Underpants Spill On N.B. Highway
A Quebec man has been accused of causing an underpants spill on Hwy 2. Donald Rejean-Robidoux of St Chaleur de Normandy, span out of control
late last Monday night after his cab was hit by a flying tortoise. Rejean jack knifed his truck and caused the contents of his trailer, several tons of underwear, to spill
wildly across the highway. Several cars and trucks got tangled in all the underwear. Many items of clothing were reported missing soon after
the incidents subsided.
Acadian Woman Breaks Record
SHEDDYSHACK, NB—Mandy Gerard-Duplexis, 23, has become the worlds youngest woman to have Neuflets.
Early Sunday morning the Hospital Georges Dupont was at the centre of one of the most nerve wracking, record cracking spectacles ever. The delivery of
Neuflets. All nine baby girls were born without a hitch. Mandy's lover Bob was overcome with joy and emotion as Mandy recovered from her astounding ordeal. "They sort of just tumbled
out one after the other!" he mused. When asked what names he would give the baby girls he joked "Well we were thinking of naming them after the seven dwarfs but then we
remembered there were only seven! So we've decided to name them after our favourite Muppet characters instead!" Way to go Mandy and Bob and here's to Neuflets
Another first for New Brunswick, where anything goes!
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TOP STORY
Dick Head Reports On Lifeless Liquor Lifestyles
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I went to the Super Market the other day and for the first time in my life noticed something
was missing. Alcohol. It had never crossed my mind until a friend in the States told me that us New Brunswicker's didn't sell liquor in Grocery stores!
Then I went for a walk up Main St and checked out the Newsstands. No beer on sale in there either. Newspapers, pop, sweets, cigarettes and Marijuana
yes, but no booze! What's up with that?
Suddenly for the first time in my life I realsied what East Berliner's must have been missing when the wall came down.
The realisation that if your not introduced to anything other than what you are force fed you become blissfully unaware of it.
Well I spent one weekend in Massachusettes and one weekend in Torquay, England and suddenly I became alive! Beer was readily available in Grocery
stores, corner stores, Liquor stores and garages even. As for the pubs... Dont get me started! It's a whole different culture!
Here on the other hand
if you are over thirty and want a nice sociable drink with your buddies you end up a home sitting infront of the TV muching on high fat chips and complaining that
there's is not enough Sports because that what your folks did and their parents before them.
The concept of village pubs in rural areas just does not weigh in
with the life style country folks have known now for centuries. Meanwhile the half decent pubs in downtown areas of our cities all assume that the
only people that consume beer are acne ridden pubescent teenagers and students all wondering who will screw who by the end of the night. Loud music flashing lights and a incredible lack of watering holes per capita kind of
ties the noose around the necks of the other 70% of potential beverage loving people in these towns. It's time to get with the times New Brunswick and start being a bit more
liberal in your laws. Loosen those purse strings and give something back to the people. I'll drink to that!
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