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TOP STORIES
The Future is Cheese!
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Cheese is the future for New Brunswick following an announcement made yesterday by Premier Bunjay Cord.
Cheese is the future for New Brunswick following an announcement made yesterday by Premier Bunjay Cord.
Standing from his podium at a local Irving Mainway gas station. The Premier held a press conference outlining the new proposals for low income housing here in the region.
"Its a great day for the people of New Brunswick!" The boss-eyed, toothy Premier exclaimed gleefully. "Here we are on the cusp of yet another first right here in New Brunswick - to have cheap affordable houses made from cheese! We became the first official Bi-sexual city in Canada. We said yes to allowing poisonus soil to be shipped from The US and incinerated right here in our fine back yards! Now were saying yes to the continuing growth of our communities by constructing cheap and affordabel houses for our hard working call centre and retail employees across the province!'
His latest announcement however was received with a lukewarm reception. Onlookers were left stunned and scratching their heads in bewilderment at the announcement. They became increasingly confused when they learned that plans for sixteen apartment blocks, to be made out of Cheddar had already been approved by outgoing Moncton Mayor Ryan Duffy without public consultation.
Herb Melanson, editor of the New Brunswick newspaper "Our Voice" launched a scathing attack on the Premier and Moncton councillors by saying "This is the latest in a long line of poor decisions made by leading members of this province and Greater Moncton City Councillors. We already have a city that has wasted millions of dollars on call centre facilities that are going to be outsourced anway. Town planners that are constructually challenged, without the gift of foresight and a Premier that likes to pollute the environment just for the sake of a few dirty bucks in Fredericton's coffers"
Its thought that Melanson's comments may go unheeded as his Newspaper only has a weekly readership of twenty three.
Cattle Breeding Operation Thwarted!
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Chastity Belt of the SPCA holds one of the cows seized Wednesday from a breeder near Pole Mountain. The SPCA executed a search warrant on the property based on an investigation sparked by a call to top New Brunswick show 'Stop Crime Now'
One corner of the cluttered kitchen was filled with two tiers of homemade cages made from wool and twine - more were located at the far end of the trailer in the bathroom. Many of the wool and twine mesh cages had steaming heaps of cow dung visible. A strong smell of urine permeated the cluttered home, at first the SPCA thought it was the occupants but on closer inspection believed it came from the cows.
All of the cows were taken to an undisclosed farm. They will be cleaned up, examined by a vet and treated for fleas, mites and ear infections. If, after 30 days, the owners do not comply with the regulations and can't afford the multiplying vet and shelter fees, the animals will become property of the SPCA. They will then be put up for adoption at various farms across the province.
The owners Gertie and Aggie Bainswanger, a mother and daughter are surprised that anyone would find fault with their breeding operation.
Gertie. Bainswanger, 79, said the cows were always well fed, never abused or neglected, and not cramped by the confined area of the trailer. She said her cows had free reign in the trailer during the day and were only locked in their cages at night.
Aggie. Bainswanger, said the cows were her life - "that and my knitting."
She also worries about Daisy. At 16, he was the eldest cow, and she worries that the traumatic experience may kill him. She fears the cow won't eat its homemade beef stew away from the only home he's ever known.
The Bainswangers said they have been breeding cattle for 22 years, although they admit their license, issued by the province, expired 18 years ago.
Woman Gets $1 Million For Slipping On Rat's Urine
Clammy Brook, NFLD - A St. John's jury awarded Ethie Thwapper a record payout Tuesday after she slipped on
frozen rat's urine outside her home and broke her big toe. The jury ruled that the payout was justified as she had clearly
suffered greatly from her ordeal. Ethie, 53, had been suffering from crippling bunions and gout to her left big toe for years
and this settlement had helped her suffering immensly the Jury reflected.
Ethie had been returning to her home one stormy night
when she slid on the frozen urine, the slide resulted in Ethie plummeting head first into her front door then falling backwards onto her big toe.
She then crawled inside her home smearing the urine all across the living room floor before seeking help from her inebriated husband who she had to wake with a
saucepan. He also claimed damages resulting in the incident arising from the urine.
Ethie now plans to have her thumb surgically removed and have it replace her mangled toe. She also has plans to buy the town of Clammy brook and turn it into an amusement aracde.
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LOCAL NEWS
ATM Stolen From Bank.
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Blaine Cormier, 43 of Sheddyshack, NB was arrested early Friday morning following a bank robbery in broad daylight.
Cormier, a Forman with NewGround Construction was charged with unlawful entry, theft, property damage, driving while endangering others and illegal dumping amongst other things.
The incident took place at The Royal TD Montreal Bank on Main Street last Wednesday. Cormier told fellow employees who were working at the nearby Black Towers Plaza that he was just stepping out for 5 minutes to buy everyone cheese burgers. The NewGround employees then watched in disbelief as Cormier headed across the street in his digger and proceeded to drive right through the bank's main entrance. He appeared moments later with an ATM before driving at high speed down Main Street.
Cormier was arrested while trying to pass on the stolen $20 bills at Little Cluck Cluck's Chicken Shack shortly after. It is believed he committed the crime on impulse as he'd offered everyone a lunch and when realizing he had no money resorted to desperate measures. The digger and ATM were later found partly submerged in thick mud along the bank of the Petitcodiac River
Proposed Nude Calendar In Doubt.
A proposed Calendar featuring Moncton's hottest Courier Industry babes posing nude is facing stiff disapproval from feminist and
same sex
organizations.
"This is utterly degrading to women!" Margo Flapjack declared. Ms Flapjack, President of 'Go Woman!',
Moncton's leading feminist group went on to say, "Exploiting our femininity in this manner is cheap, tasteless and downright
vulgar!"
Newfoundland born Ronnie Sludge, events organizer for the MCA (Moncton Courier's Association) disagreed. "We are
merely trying to show folks out there the beauty of our hard working gals and there's nothing shameful about that!"
Moncton City Hall
is holding a discussion next Monday night as to whether the Calendar should be given the go ahead.
Man Suddenly Drops Dead!
A Moncton man was in a Morgue last night following a bout of sudden death. Burt Buttz, 79, a retired CN shop worker walked into a local
Dollar or Four store at about 7.30pm. Witnesses said he looked agitated and in a bit of a hurry. Once at the checkout he slammed a pair of AA Batteries on the counter and just dropped dead. Paramedics arrived shortly after the store closed at 9.30pm and decided resusitation was useless.
An autopsy report showed that the Man had a vintage 1979 battery powered pacemaker on his heart and that the batteries had just run out just as the man attempted to buy some more.
Monctonians are urged to trade in their battery powered pacemakers for more upto to date equipment to avoid this sort of thing happening again.
Councillors Squabble for Mayor Position.
Who will be the next Moncton mayor? Do we really care?
Current members of council squabble in run up for top job
Councillors most often mentioned as potential contenders are Micky Mittens, Bernie LeBoeuf and Troy Dribble. They all say they’re thinking about it.
"It’s fairly likely that I’m going to be running, as I have the most money" Counillor Dribble said yesterday.
Deputy Mayor and Councillor at-large Micky Mittens said, "I’m certainly considering (running that is). I have a huge belly and need to lose weight! I have no final decisions on what direction I’m going to take yet!" he said. "I've been getting steadily obese over the years finding solitude in fast food ever since my wife, Dorothy left me for a fitness instructor. It's what has kept me going!"
Ward Three Councillor Bernie Lebouef said he’s also been approached about running for the job.
"I’ve certainly had people ask me," he said. "I already have a full-time job cleaning the washrooms at Black Towers Plaza, juggling the two jobs is maybe a little more than I am used to!"
"Whoever becomes Moncton’s next mayor will have to have a vision for the city", current Mayor Ryan Duffy said. "I introduced low cost housing, lots of retail outlets and ensured the demolition of our city's treasures to enable cheap yet profitable call centres to operate at minimum wage! We must continue along those lines to save money and expand!"
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