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TOP STORIES
Missing Gulf War Veterans Found On Mars!
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Thirteen long years of endless searching came to a close yesterday when 'Twiki' the Mars space probe sent back staggering images of a downed Black Hawk helicopter and four US Marines.
From the Pentangle in Washington, D.C US Secretary Of Depends - Ronald Bumsfelt quickly released the following carefully prepared statement.
"We can't say what they are doing up there. We can't imagine how they got up there. But they are there, we are here and we know that they know we know they are are there."
The Marines were last seen in action over the skies of Baghdad in January 1991. Witness reports at the time noted that their helicopter engaged in a vertical acent while being chased by a scud missile. They disappeared from view shortly after.
"These were soldiers that knew what they were doing!" Bumdfelt continued, "These guys had the courage to fly so high that they left the protection and security of the Earth's atmosphere and simply began a long and arduous journey to the martian planet. Our hearts and minds go out to them"
Plans for a manned rescue mission are now in the works but won't be ready for at least another fifteen years. Meanwhile a cellular phone that had been placed on board the Mars probe along with Candies and a few copies of Playboy, appears not to be working. However Nasa is attempting a way to contact the stranded soldiers via the probe's internet.
Busch Focuses Attention On Canada.
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US President Georgie Busch has set his sights on Canada according to Pinkhouse spokesman Hairi Flasher.
The rumour mill has been rotating for weeks that a possible takeover may come into play should he lose the Presidential election later this year. "I am firmly focused on the tasks ahead." Busch recently stated, at a single mothers charity ball. "Should we fail to swing our fellow Americans for a second term, then yes, Canada would be an option!"
When questioned, Canada's Prime-minister Paul Partin knew nothing of Busch's plans. "He has not spoken to me, he has not uttered so much as a hello to me in recent weeks. I cannot respond nor want to at this time before I get all the facts for myself, but if I find these allegations to be true, mark my words, heads will roll!" At present what plans the Busch administartion have for Canada remain unclear, but its thought that should they seize control of Ottawa they will probably push for the country to be the 51st US state. Not so good news for Hockey fans and Tim Horton lovers!
Soccer Ace In Marital Crisis.
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Reports that UK footballing ace Rabid Peckham had an affair with a former laundry assistant were splashed across British newspapers Monday amid speculation about the future of his marriage.
A media frenzy was sparked by a Sunday newspaper report that the soccer star had a sexual expectations with Sandi Anus in Madrid between September and December while his pop star wife, Pretoria, was in England.
Peckham issued a statement Sunday describing the story as "ludicrous" but stopping short of denying the allegations claiming they might have taken place although he was not sure.
"During the past few months I have become used to reading more and more silly stories about my privates," Peckham said Sunday in a statement.
"What appeared this morning is just one further example of how my privates get shown in public.
"The simple truth is that I am very happily married, have two wonderful wives and one very special kid. There is nothing that any third party can do to change these facts."
A series of sexually expectant phone text messages that Peckham and Anus reportedly sent to each other were published in the 'Crap of the World' and reprinted in Monday's tabloids papers.
Anus's brother, Hemorroid, was quoted in Monday's papers as saying his sister had confirmed an affair with Peckham.
"If they've got text messages between the two of them, I don't see how she could really deny an affair took place," Hemorroid Anus was quoted as saying.
Rumors about the state of Peckham's marriage have abounded since he moved to Real Madrid last summer from Fanchester United.
Beckham and Anus, the 26-year-old daughter of a Dutch toilet repair man and English petrol pump attendant , were photographed together in a Madrid nightclub last September squirming around on the floor. The Peckhams released a statement at the time denying any marital problems.
Pretoria Peckham — formerly Frosty Pie of the Pie Girls — has declined to move full-time to Spain as she tries to re-ignite her pop career. She spends most of her time in England with the couple's one young son, 5-year-old Bazza.
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LOCAL NEWS
Moncton Woman To Teach Fiddlers In Iraq
Jemima Perkins, 23, has been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to teach her musical skills to thousands of deprived Iraqi's.
"This is a dream come true!" She said from her apartment complex, the excitement rising in her voice. "Music fuels the soul, and by me being given such a fantastic opportunity I am in a way fuelling the souls of those poor unfortunate people in Iraq".
Jemima, better known as the frantic fiddler in the Moncton folk band "Diddle my Fiddle" will head out Wednesday to Iraq and spend six months touring Baghdad, Tikrit and Basra meeting with various Sunni and Shiite clerics before returning home in time for the annual New Brunswick folk and blues festival.
Unpleasant Odours Act Passes Legislation
Moncton City Councillors passed legislation yesterday allowing Government employee's to sue for damages resulting from foul smelling co-workers. This is yet another first for Canada's officially Bi-sexual City!
Janet Landry president of Healthy Work, Healthy Scents saw this a victory for the workplace."Too many people are having days off due to illness and fatigue in the workplace. It has been our understanding based on information gathered that people who don't wash regularily, people who don't do their laundry regularily, people who don't floss regularily and people who smoke regularily are all at risk from being handed heavy fines, or even in worst cases fired from their job. I mean it's basically a hygene issue. If your hygienically challeneged and someone tells you. Go seek help! Stop fouling up our workplaces!"
Currently no fines are in place but as of July 1st public sector workplaces will start imposing $300 fines to really smelly co-workers.
Local Businessman Cleared Of Fondling
A Moncton area businessman accused of fondling two middle aged school girls while attending an all night office party has been cleared of all charges. Judge Malcolm MacNamara put it down to a gross misunderstanding on the accused's behalf.
Henri Hache-Hache, 30 had been dancing with one of the alledged victims, 45 year-old Euclicide Doiron when she accidently slipped on a piece of raw meat and toppled backwards. As she fell Hache-Hache grabbed her under the arms and steadied her footing, preventing her to completely fall. Then Hache-Hache himself began to slide around in the meat and in doing so stretched out his arms to brace for impact with the floor only to tumble into the chest of innocent bystander, 51 year old Doris LeTuque.
"There was never any doubt in my mind that all this was a unfortunate mistake" Henri pointed out. "I didn't set out to fondle anybody It was just a series of unfortunate events caused by a lump of raw meat lying on the floor!"
The raw meat infact turned out to be the Company's drunken boss.
Laser Hair Removal Leaves Mark On Man's Privates
Randy Bartlett could think of nothing more appealing than having a pair of shiny, hairless genitals. But a simple two hour procedure turned into the operation from hell according to Randy.
"I awoke from the two-hour $2000.00 operation and couldn't believe my eyes! I was shocked to discover both my balls had been punctured in the process! Before the op I had two bouncing healthly, ripe, hairy balls, now I am faced with two sick looking shrivelled prunes. Someone should be held accountable!"
The Moncton Hair Removal Co. counteracted with a statement of their own. "Anyone stupid enough to agree to laser surgery on their genitalia are well aware of the risks involved! We are professionals that cater for clients usually requesting Bikini line removal and facial hair removal. Mr Bartlett knew the risks before the operation. From this experience we urge anyone wanting hair removed from those private regions to shave it off themselves!"
Bartlett now faces a series of small operations to restore some fullness to his shrunken privates.
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