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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
US President ‘Very Concerned About Being Cloned’
Cloning possibility? A cloned American George Bush baby and his Mongolian clone.
WASHINGTON - (AP) President Bush on
Friday said he would veto legislation that would loosen restrictions on embryonic stem
cell research around the world and expressed concern about being cloned by
researchers in Mongolia.
“I’m very concerned about being cloned,” the president said. “I worry about a world in
which everyone will be alike!”
Mongolian researchers, funded by their local farmers union, reported producing
American-made embryo's with the help of surrogate mountain goats.
"It is the
first step in understanding just how American's think." Says Dr Yzyak Ypingzaa, head of
the Mongolian Scientific Institute. "The USA represents a platform to lead others and their
leader is Mr. Bush. If we can replicate that technology into everyone then we'd all have an
equal chance at being aggressive, white middle aged, right wing, corrupt
millionaires."
Bush insisted that if Mongolia succeeds in their research "we will have no choice but to
make choices regarding the choices the Mongolian people have elected to
choose."
Stronach Grilled By PM's Advisor
OTTAWA, ON. Berlinda
Stronach was all smiles yesterday following her grilling ordeal by Artie Scarfiotti, advisor
to the Prime Minister.
"I'm fine!" Berlinda beamed. "It's a Liberal custom to grill
party defectors!"
Berlinda sensationally crossed the floor earlier this year
leaving the Preservative party for the popular fun-loving, money laundering Liberal Party.
Apart from sustaining substantially singed hair and a few vertical facial burns Berlinda
was otherwise given a clean bill of health.
"It was slightly painful having your
head pushed into a charcoal filled broiler but hey, I past the test! My allegiance to this
party is true and I aim to fulfill my responsibilities.
Asked whether she received a
huge cash advance for her as yet unpublished memoirs as part of the defection Berlinda
merely winked and thanked the public for her support.
Pennsylvania Makes Leg Shaving Illegal
One last shave? Hairy legs are set to become the norm.
Pittsburgh, PA -
Republican Senator Rick Sanatorium has passed legislation making leg shaving illegal in
the state of Pennsylvania. Within months many women and some men will have to pay a
leg shaving tax if caught in the act.
"It's quite simple. We've had mini-cams
installed in most peoples water basin's and bath's since Homeland security went
operational. If these drains clog up with an excessive amount of hair shavings we will
know, trust me!"
Many residents in large cities such as Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are dumb struck by
the law. But as the senate points out Pennsylvania has the highest rate of leg shaving
incidences per capita.
"local plumbing and sewage repairs are escalating by the
hour, the Delaware and Schuylkill rivers are becoming irreversibly clogged. It’s costing
the State dearly. By introducing fines we can help stem these crippling
costs." Rick Sanatorium summized.
Cruise Liner Stolen In Broad Daylight
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The Lady Camilla seen here a few
weeks ago.
Southampton, UK (AP)
A massive land, air and sea search was mounted yesterday in Southampton, England
following the theft of a Cruise Liner in broad daylight.
The 48,500 tonne, 1600
passenger ship 'Lady Camilla' was moored overnight in Southampton Docks before
preparing to set sail the following morning for the Bahamas. As cabin crew and tourists
made their way down to the pier in the early morning hours shock and disbelief greeted
them as their luxury liner was no-where to be seen!
"Terrorist act, must be!" Detective Dick Burns of the Hampshire Police department
snapped. "A boat doesn't go missing without a trace without someone knowing about
it!"
First impressions do indeed point to the fact that it may have been an inside
job. An unnamed witness claims he was out drinking with the Captain only the night
before.
"I was with the Captain and he had a foot appointment scheduled for this
morning. Where is he now? No-one seems to know!"
So far the missing liner has
given up no leads, its simply vanished or sank!" Detective burns surmised.
If
anyone has spotted the 'Lady Camilla' or is willing to come forward with valuable
information please contact the British Home Office or Hampshire Police
Constabulary.
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LOCAL NEWS
Attacks By Bats On The Increase
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A flurry of flying bat weilding bats.
Moncton residents have been asked
to be vigilant in the wake of escalating bat attacks in Metro Moncton. Emergency services
are being swamped daily with calls from stunned citizens reporting vicious gang-like
beatings throughout the city.
"Its like a plague!" Corporal Serge Conchon quickly observed. "You turn your back just for a minute and they're on you, dive bombing you, biting you and wielding their little home made bats!"
Moncton's ageing mayor Laurie Mittons has called for calm in the city. "Stay inside, don't
go outside unless you have to get essentials like gas, groceries and drugs and that sort
of thing!"
The attacks began a month ago when Pepe and Ronilda Robichaud were taking a quiet evening walk when suddenly a bat swooped low delivering a potentially lethal crack across the back of Pepe's head. His wife Ronilda swung wildly about her chasing off the attacker but within minutes both were pushed to the ground and beaten senseless by hundreds of the angry little beasts.
The bat attacks are believed to be the result of a recent aggressive Mosquito spraying
campaign that somehow has altered the bats genetic makeup.
Next year were definitely going to use an environmentally safe approach to bugs and
what not. Peoples lives are being put at risk in the name of science!" Bertram Gugg, head
of Moncton's pest control division said.
Moncton Gets A New Welcome Sign
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The new sign as it will look to drivers
on the highway's leading to Moncton
The Department of Highways and The
Greater Moncton planning commission proudly unveiled their new highway sign yesterday to the general public.
At a press junket held at City Hall Moncton Mayor Laurie Mittens and New Brunswick Premier Bunjay Cord lauded the sign as a new era in Moncton's drive for global success.
"We are Canada's diaper manufacturing capital and we are proud of it! The premier smiled amid a riotous round of applause. "We have been known as the 'Hub City', 'The call centre Capital' and at one point the 'Railroad to the west'. Its finally an honour to add this official signage to our City!" He concluded.
The mayor echoed the Premier's sentiments. "Yep its a good sign for sure, pardoning the pun!"
With the Irving family business owning a 40% stake in the Province of New Brunswick, through land rights, gas rights, transport rights, forestry rights and many other rights it was only fitting to use their diaper manufacturing contribution to promote Moncton and its surrounding area.
Long live Canada's Diaper Capital!
Hit And Run Nun Not Guilty
Centre of attention. Sister Vienault
with her trusty crucifix.
Sister Vagisille Vienault of Shediac, NB was cleared
in court yesterday of hitting on a Priest then fleeing the scene.
Vienault, dubbed
'The naughty Nun' made headlines last month when it was claimed she grabbed a Priest
at the alter and planted a big wet kiss on his mouth.
In her defense she stated
that she merely tripped up a step and fell forward grabbing the priest. In doing so the
priest was pulled down towards her causing unavoidable facial contact.
The
priest not at all happy with the court's hearing urged people to approach her with caution.
"She abused her faith as a Nun and committed a cardinal sin on the opposite sex." The
Priest was also quoted as saying that "She had suspiciously stubbly facial hair".
All The Latest In Community Whisperings And Gossip
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Atlantic Canada's No #1 rumour rousing bore!
While out walking my dogs the
other day I overheard a man talking about the possibility of hiring a a hitman to murder
his wife. Strange don't you think that days later a woman was found mysteriously dead in
her bed. Her husband was nowhere to be seen!
A brief trip to the laundromat last Monday proved very fruitful indeed. I heard an
employee there telling her boyfriend that she would be late home that evening. As I sat
reading my Times and Transcript newspaper I was suddenly horrified to see her making
out with another woman on top of the dryer!
Buying a jar of black olives last weekend In the local supermarket I heard a
Policeman marveling at the joys of owning a taser gun. Minutes later the guy was
writhing on the floor in a puddle of urine sparks flying from his pants. It proves what I've
said all along about Tasers. They are dangerous!
Eating donuts can be bad for you. A little friend of mine warned me that eating too much of the dough clogs up your arteries. Ease up fellow donut lovers or you may be
making an earlier than planned trip to the hospital.
While gossiping at neigbours house last month a good citizen informed me that
the residents of No.23 where planning to install a parking bay next to their house. Sure
enough a quick snoop into their mailbox a few days later revealed plans for such a
construction!
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