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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
The Queen To Play Active Role In Hunting Down Terror
Armed And Dangerous! The Queen Patroling Her Palace For The First Sign Of Trouble.
LONDON - (AP).Britain received a welcome boost yesterday in their fight against terrorism.
Early yesterday evening the Queen made a rare appearance in front of millions of television viewers outlining her personal involvement in helping to track down would be terrorists.
Viewers looked on in shock and awe as the queen spoke about how “Brainless society drop-outs” had become easy recruiting fodder for wealthy religious fanatics and extremists.
”Those people ought to know better” She scalded. “We lived through WWII and numerous attacks by the IRA. This is an Island, small but powerful that has eaten parasites like this time and time again! We shall prevail!”
The Queen is expected to make a few impromptu visits to well know terrorist ‘hot’ spots such as Bradford, Birmingham and Leeds in the coming weeks while making routine patrols of her Palace in her heavily armoured Golf cart
Retail Giants Target The Moon
Wall-Mart Hope To Bring Spectacular Views Of Earth With Its proposed new Locations.
New York - (AP). Billion dollar retail giants Wall-Mart have announced their plans to expand beyond Earth it was revealed today.
During a packed press conference Wall-Mart executives unveiled plans to open their outlets across the moon.
Wall-Mart who have over six thousand stores worldwide and profit where the environment and social structure of towns and villages suffer, felt the time was right to take their cheap consumer products to new level.
President and CEO, Wally Walmartburg outlined his vision for the company's future. "We have almost swamped the global market with our presence!" he smiled, enthusiastically."Technology is breaking new ground as we speak. Therefore we must combine global domination with technology and move forward together. Soon, trips to the moon will be the norm. Therefore these people will need something familiar, somewhere to relax and shop and that will be your friendly neighbourhood Wall-Mart!"
Wall-Mart who recently purchased over a million square miles of moon, plan to start constructing stores by the fall of 2009. "We will be offering spectacular views of the earth from all of our propsed locations!" Walmartberg concluded.
This latest announcement from the worlds biggest retail giant was met with a lukewarm response from its European counterparts. Kofi Annanas, President of the UN was less than enthusiastic. "Wall-Mart is under the assumption that the Moon is owned by the US. In reality nobody has yet made a claim to its resources or land. Apart from a tatty almost 40 year old flag that Louis Armstrong put there to signify US dominance, nobody owns any of it!"
It was later pointed out to Mr Annanas that Louis Armstrong played a trumpet and Neil was infact the first man on the moon.
Drunken Brits A Boon For Greek Economy
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The Greek Tourism Minister Hails The Arrival Of British Drunks, Like The One Seen Here.
Zakynthos, Greece - (AP).Diples Baklava, Greek Minister for tourism has hailed British drunks for turning his country's tourism around.
"For years the only action the Island of Zakynthos has seen is the mating of Loggerhead Turtles late at night." Baklava noted.
In the last two years it has become a favoured destination among British teens who enjoy nothing more than sun, sand and sex in public places.
Greece has already seen a huge turn around in tourism on the Islands of Rhodes and Crete thanks to an increase in Pubs, Bars and Clubs that stay open 24 hours a day.
Threat Of War Looms Between Canada And Denmark
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Hans Island, (No Bigger Than Your Average Restaurant), May Hold the Key To Thousands Of Job Opportunities For Canadians.
Arctic North - (AP). A war of words has errupted between the countries of Canada and Denmark over a one hundred metre, uninhabited lump of Artic rock lying slap bang in the middle of an ice channel that separates Canada and Greenland. A border was drawn up in 1973 that cut right through the centre of the now disputed rock outcrop.
It is believed that global warming is the reason for this sudden spat and the fact that Canadians were recently thinking of opening a Canadian Tire store there.
"Back when we drew the map no-one cared!" Sybil Fortesque, secretary of 'Canadian properties and Ownership' declared. "Now it seems with global warming a certainty, certain money making ventures have opened up to us!"
These ventures it is belived include mining, drilling and fishing and opening up a new Canadian Tire store.
The Danes don't really care about that though. "Greenland is a natural habitat and so is all that surrounds it. This should be preserved. For Canadians to suddenly declare this small lump of frozen earth as their's just because there maybe money to be made goes to show how typically vain and environmentally challeneged they are!" Jorgen Jungorssen Foreign Minister for Foreign Matters stated.
The Island could see a boon in fishing and oil producing in years to come. Something Canada desperately wants to invest in to keep up with its rivals in the global economy.
If they fail in this important land claim their status as a slightly powerful and sometimes thought about country may be delt a serious global blow.
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LOCAL NEWS
Maritimers Lament Over Re-population Fiasco
Are These People Living In Your Town? Meet Canada's Chav Generation.
OTTAWA - (AP). The latest wave of immigration aimed at re-populating Atlantic Canada has backfired according to Citizenship And Immigration Canada (CIC) spokesperson Pierre Pointeblanc.
Two years ago CIC officials approached Great Britain with a proposal to take some 250,000 jobless individuals and relocate them to Canada for a better life. The plan it appears, was flawed from the start.
"We are now faced with having some of the laziest, stupidest people I have ever set my eyes on". Pointeblanc announced. "These foul mouthed 'hooligans' or 'chavs' congregate on street corners taunting passers by, spend all day getting rowdy and drunk at every opportunity and quite frankly speak a language I have never heard before!"
The term 'chav' is derived from the old Romany word 'chavo' which literally means 'boy'. However today these 'boys' are easily noticeable by their tell tale Burberry Baseball caps, white sports T-shirts often sporting the logo 'England', jewellery, jogging pants and Nike sneakers.
"These people serve no purpose to anybody but themselves. They choose MacDonald’s as their dining place of choice, drive Honda Civic's, are always looking to pick a fight, are allergic to work and often answer by the name Darren, Dwayne, Shane or Wayne! We need to extradite these morons before they spread elsewhere!"
Already an alarming amount of Chavs can be seen congregating in downtown Dartmouth's MicMac Mall, Charlottetown’s Confederation Mall, Moncton's Highfield Square and Dieppe's Champlain Mall food court. Caution is urged when approaching these individuals.
Dog Poop By-law An Unconstitutional Pile Of Crap
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Mayor of Moncton - Loony Mittens Latest Municipal Money Making Scheme: Turning Crap Into Cash.
Moncton City Councilors, arguably the worst in recent memory are at it again.
Slapping fines on homeowners who fail to clean up their own garden after their dogs.
”This is just another pathetic little scheme to claw back millions of the city’s dollars that have been wasted on bungled projects”. Retorted Herb Sanchez, a practicing lawyer and dog owner.
The By-law passed this summer could see on the spot fines of $100-$1000 being imposed on anyone forgetting to scoop up their doggy poop.
Retired Moncton resident Bert Spafford is angry. “I have six horses, four cats, three goats, two dogs and a Boa Constrictor roaming my garden day and night. How am I going to tell which number two came from my dogs???”
Herb Sanchez has currently enforced the Invasion of Privacy Act on any Moncton Councilor who is found guilty of defiantly upholding this by law. They will be issued with a $1000 on the spot fine if found guilty.
”Its immoral, cheap and against the Canadian Constitution.” Sanchez continued. “Ottawa has been informed of these lowlife pirates. This is not the first time they have double-crossed their community!”
Neck Warts On The Rise
Fredericton, NB - (AP). A recent survey carried out by Statistics Canada has revealed an alarming rise in the number of neck wart cases in the Province of New Brunswick.
A Health Canada official stressed that there should be no cause for concern at this time. "At present we have noted a sharp rise in cases particularily in the Greater Moncton area. These cases appear totally isolated to this region and bare no cause for concern elsewhere in New Brunswick or the rest of Canada!"
Neck warts, commonly found in the neck can cause irritation and be quite unsightly-like. "Usually warts are frozen or burned then dug out" the spokesperson continued.
Health Canada officials could not pin point why cases were more noticeable in Greater Moncton and could only offer tips on how to avoid getting the warts. "Cover up your neck, use a scarf or if your wearing a shirt turn the collars up. If you shave put a band aid on afterwards and avoid having bare feet touch the neck area".
Warts are spread by breaks in the skin and bacteria getting in.
Woman Caught Sunbathing.
A forty year old mother of six was caught sunbathing in a popular department store in downtown Moncton last Thursday - topless!
Fanny Pincher of Riverview was spotted by passers by in the lingerie department lying on her back with sunglasses on. Staff were quickly alerted and security was called.
When asked what she was doing Ms Pincher said she was "Soaking up a few rays". Police Constable Gerry Rockets admitted it was a puzzling scenario. "Sunbathing in a public store is one thing but showing off 250lbs of raw fat is a little too much eye candy if you ask me!"
Man Found In Pub.
Landlord Wilkie Watkins doesn't get many visitors to his local bar on a Sunday so he had no reason to think anything was out of the ordinary. "I spent the first hour or so doing my crosswords and cleaning my beer glasses and thought nothing of it." He recalled. A phone he says distracted him momentarily. "I was gone maybe three minutes". Upon returning he was shocked to discover a man sitting at the bar. "I was dumbstruck" Mr Watkins shakily recollected. He wasted no time calling 911 to report the good news.
Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
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This Issues Featured Article: Edible Evidence
Egg Roll
A man rumoured to be eating an Egg roll in the early hours of yesterday morning was indeed eating an Egg roll. My source informed me he had seen the man purchasing it from a food outlet then paid for it before proceeding to eat it.
Cheese Sandwich
Early late Wednesday afternoon while I was paying for gas at my local gas station I observed what looked like a piece of processed cheese hanging from a young woman's mouth. Glancing down at her hand I found a half eaten cheese sandwich in it and deducted that she had been the one eating it. Upon asking her my suspicions were proved to be correct.
Glass Of Milk
While dining in my local eatery late Saturday morning I was momentarily distracted by a family sitting on the table beside me. Their young son appeared to have an unmistakable white moustache. Upon making a few discreet glances and asking the waitress what was wrong with the boy I was finally assured that he had been drinking a glass of milk.
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