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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Is Canada's Prime Minister A Robot?
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Steven Harpsichord - Human Or Humanoid?
Ottawa, ONT (AP) - Canada's new opposition leader John H Gomery (formerly of The Gomery Report) is seeking High Court approval to force the Canadian Prime Minister to tell the public whether he's human or humanoid.
Mr Gomery voiced his concerns about the Canadian leader exclusively in an interview with CTV Political analyst Patrick Duffy last week. "The guy is out of sorts. He rarely appears on TV. When he does it's always behind a podium and he is so rigid and formal it makes you wonder, doesn't it?" Gomery was quoted as saying.
Chief Robot manufacturer for 'Robomantronics Japan' Satoru Takajima voiced even more suspicions. "Humans are a lot more flexible than Robots. Their limbs and facial expressions can move with a lot more grace than a humanoid. I see this Harpsichord fellow as very rigid and lifeless".
A spokesperson for the Conservative party laughed at the allegations brought forward. "It’s absolutely ludicrous!"
"First of all let me tell you a man who finds the Liberal party guilty of money laundering then becomes their leader should not be trusted. Secondly, our PM may be a little stiff natured and elusive now and then but that's because he wears a corset to straighten his back bones and lastly he does not enjoy hogging the limelight like the last PM. Who incidently was likened to Jabba the Hutt everytime he opened his mouth!
If Mr. Gomery gets his approval from the High Court expect the media circus to go crazy.
Man Eating Seal Pups Attack Animal Right's Activists Then Start A Clubbing Rampage On Atlantic Sealers
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Two Blood Thirsty Seal Pups Savour Their Kill
An Ice Floe, Gulf Of St. Lawrence - (AP). Last Spring's Seal Pup Slaughter did not go as smoothly as planned according to Animal Rights activists and Canadian Sealers.
While activists blamed the brutal methods and inhumane way Sealers dispatch of Seal Pups, the Sealers themselves blamed the actvists and changes in global climate for the sudden Seal pup revenge attacks.
Last March a bunch of foreign celebrities decended on the Ice Floe's of Eastern Canada to protest the brutal acts of clubbing Seal Pups only to be the victims of Seal pup attacks themselves.
Then several weeks later when seasonal Sealers waded onto the ice armed with clubs and guns they were ambushed by thousands of older seals, pinned to the ground under their collosal weight and beaten senseless by Seal pups with baseball bats and clubs. All in all it was a lose lose situation. "The Seal pups get nastier each year" One Sealer said. "I blame global warming and multimillionaires for that".
Dudley Tompkinson-Doyle of the University of Newfoundland shared a different view. "Newfies and other Atlantic fisherfolk should get with the program. Fishing and Sealing is an old fart's pastime handed down by generations of hard working folk with no idea of how westernization and globalization works. No wonder Atlantic Canada is such a poor region, these fools are using the past to get ahead! It's a dead tradition! Get off wellfare and move to Moncton or Fort MacMurray!"
Harsh words indeed but is it relevent to the Sealing situation?
Record Year For Jesus Sightings. Global Warming Blamed.
Jesus Photographed Here Last July In Mallorca, Spain
Ottawa, ONT (AP) - Sightings of the Son of God almost tripled last year according to Statistics Canada.
Scientists have blamed global warming for the alarming increase. Dr Yung Sunny-Sun explained the phenomenon.
"Global warming affects many aspects of the human psyche including heightened brain activity and increased sensitivity. I think what we are seeing is what we want to see and because we want to see it we believe it."
Atlantic Canada also reported it's fair share of Son of God sightings. Nellie Jones of Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island spotted him last July playing basketball with a group of kids on the University campus. Another eager onlooker clocked the Divine Dude driving along Hwy 102 in a Silver Dodge Ram truck. While downtown Moncton resident Basil Bastarache saw him wearing a torn T-shirt, looking unshaven and shabby on the corner of Main and Alma St. pleading for loose change.
Religious leaders the world over believe its a sign of the new coming. Meanwhile skeptics just think more and more people are starting to look like Jesus.
Top Soccer Gangs Vow Revenge On Religion
Soccer Hooligans Vent Their Frustration Over The Way They Are Depicted In Religious Journals The World Over
London, UK (AP) - Soccer Hooligans the world over are to plan mass unified rallies and violence against all forms of Religion if they don't stop poking fun at them it has been revealed.
Top soccer Hooligans from Britain, France, Holland, Germany, Turkey, Russia, Colombia and Brazil and lots of other lesser known nations vowed all out attacks against any form of Religion who continue to mock them in their Newspapers.
Bazza Brown, spokesperson for the 'International Brotherhood Of Soccer Hooliganism' (IBSH) released the following statement. "Soccer is a sacred sport the world over with the exception being The United States. Any religious based newspaper who continues to soil our way of life and love of this sport will result in an all out attack against these oppressors. We will view this as a direct attack on our freedoms to carry out our own personal drunken rampages on one another and anyone stupid enough to get in the way of our will to carry out wanton destruction will be dealt a severe battering believe me!"
Last week a Catholic Newspaper poked fun at French soccer fanatics by publishing cartoons depicting them urinating in public places with small penises. This came just three weeks after Jewish and Hebrew newspapers simultaneously published cartoons of soccer hooligans wandering the streets with baseball bats and broken beer bottles.
"It’s absolutely out of order!" Brown raged from his local pub. The boys we fight the world over are joining with us in voicing their disgust at all these so called religious type people. We dont go round poking fun at Priests and Bishops for wearing skirts, nor do we care If people take to wearing bathroom towels on their heads. It's not in our agenda!
Strong words indeed from arguably one of societies notorious organized sports gangs.
Mechanical Hamster Found By Potholers Baffle Historians
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The Mystery Deepens. Is This Mechanical Hamster Thousands Of Years Old???
Tsagannuur, Mongolia (AP) - Historians the world over were scratching their heads last night following the discovery of a mechanical furry hamster located several thousand feet beneath the ground.
Potholing twins Derek and Danny Boothjoy of Manchester, England were exploring an old mine shaft when they discovered what they thought was a sleeping rat.
"Yeah Danny just shone his flashlight over a crack in the rock and this yellow thing caught his eye. We poked it a bit and thought it must be dozing or something." Danny's brother Derek remembered.
Upon closer inspection they found to their amazement that it was not a sleeping rat but a fully operational mechanical hamster.
"We thought it odd to find a toy buried in sedimentary rock thousands of years old but being that it was made in China meant it could have been really old anyway". Derek's brother Danny continued.
The brothers contacted some Geologists and Historians and sent the Mechanical Hamster to Koln, Germany for further analysis.
Doctor Hans Inleiderhosen was dumbstruck. "There is no question that this is a 20th Century battery operated toy, but what is fascinating is that it was found in sedimentary rock, thousands of feet deep with no real purpose or logical reason for it to be there".
Investigations are ongoing and scientists are even touting the idea that time travel may hold the key to this mystery.
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LOCAL NEWS
Newfoundland Tug Skipper Was Exceedingly Drunk
The Tug 'Juicy Lucy' Pictured Before The Accident
Sally's Gusset, NFLD (AP) The skipper of a coastguard tug which ran aground off Cape Race last year has pleaded guilty to being drunk in charge of the vessel.
Cyril Leaker was more than thirteen times over the legal alcohol limit. He also admitted two other charges, including spilling 1890 tons of diesel oil into the sea after hitting the rocks and indecently exposing himself to some fellow crew members. Clean up costs were estimated at more than $10 million.
The 'Juicy Lucy' ran aground on November 12 last year just outside Cystitis Cove. The 11 crew members onboard were airlifted to safety, leaving Leaker alone with his vast cache of alcoholic beverages.
Even in his adavnced drunken state he managed to reverse the tug off the rocks and sail erratically into the harbor, dumping fuel all the way.
Wildlife in the area suffered from the spill and the vessel was so badly damaged it had to be dragged out to sea again the following day and blown up. Leaker was sentenced to two years house arrest and advised to take AA meetings upon his release.
Olympic Bronze Medal Ace Attempts To Cross Canada On Motorised Traffic Cone
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Canadian Olympic Bronze Medal Winner Chet Steeves Warms Up For The Ride Of His Life
MONCTON, NB - (Local Press). 1988 Olympic Leapfrog bronze medal winner Chet Steeves of Moncton, NB is attempting the impossible - To ride across Canada on a motorised Traffic cone.
Chet and his live in lover Paul dreamed up the idea while attending their monthly knitting class. "It just came to us out of the blue!" Chet excalimed. "People have travelled across Canada by train, plane, automobile and tractor but the idea of using a traffic cone seemed a far out idea."
Chet's dream was made possible by the Tim Horton's Coffee chain and a really clever local motorized toy manufacturer. "Without the sponsorship and the genius of one of my model car friends I don't know where I would be". Chet enthused.
Chet Steeves sets off From St John's, Newfoundland this summer and travelling at a speed of 10km's per hour should reach Victoria, British Columbia in about two years time.
Nova Scotian Accused Of Smuggling Aliens
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Mr MacLennan (Pictured) Accused of Smuggling Aliens.
Halifax, NS (AP) - A former Coke Ovens worker from Sydney, Nova Scotia is being held by authorities on smuggling charges.
Wilbur MacLennan, 58, alledgedly tried to smuggle two aliens from Sydney's seeping tar ponds on August 18 last year and another from an old transformer dump located near the Steel foundry a day or so later.
All three Aliens were hauled out of the Sydney cesspit in an old rubber tyre and later found thumbing rides to Halifax along the Trans Canada Highway.
"Those Aliens had no rights living where they were" Mr MacLennan stated in his defence. "I rescued them in an attempt to give them a better life!"
Humpty Burgeron prosecuting said that "What this man did was upset the ecological applecart of a race of Aliens accustomed to living with PCB's, PAH's, Dioxins and Benzene. By exposing them to pure air almost certainly led to their demise".
The aliens unfortunately died of exposure during a winter storm near Lunenberg last January. The case continues.
Man Attacks Grandmother After Bowl Of Cereal Saturates Shag Carpet
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Oona Titts (Pictured) Was Bludgeoned Repeatedly With A Spoon For Knocking Over A Bowl Of Cereal
Halifax, NS (AP) - A man with an appetite for cereal turned madman when his Grandmother accidentally knocked a bowl of Frosty Grits onto the floor.
Timothy Titts, 27, of Dartmouth, Nova Scotia was arrested shortly after 9pm last night at his Mother's house.
"Timmy told me everything" his mother sobbed. "I cannot believe he would do something so cruel!"
Detective MacKinley MacDonald-Macdonald recounted the events leading up to Timothy's act of violence.
"As the sugary milk soaked itself into the fibers of the carpet the accused lunged at his Grandmother with his spoon shouting 'Do it now you cow, mop up the milk before the carpet starts to smell!'. She refused claiming her back was sore so he bludgeoned her unconscious with the spoon then spent an hour or so scrubbing the shag carpet before leaving the house".
Timothy who has a history of uncontrollable anger issues will appear before a Halifax court very soon.
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Sex
While cleaning my bathroom toilet last Tuesday I overheard the tennants in the apartment next to me say that they were going to engage in some really explosive sex later that night. My suspicions proved to be correct! Around 11pm as I settled down for a good read I heard some rather hard banging sounds coming through my bedroom wall. Remember you heard it here first!
Cheat
I can predict to almost 100% certainty that gas prices across the region will continue to fluctuate over the coming months. By careful price analysis and gas consumption over a six month period I deduced that gas bar owners will continue to inexplicably cheat their loyal customers out of pocket for the foreseeable future. Remember you heard it here first!
Mom
While out flying my toy airplane in the park last Sunday I saw a man walking suspiciously towards some bushes. Moments later I overheard a small child tell his Mom that they thought the man was relieving himself beside a tree. Acting on pure instinct I walked over to where the man was standing and lo and behold saw him watering the base of the the tree in question. Remember you heard it here first!
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