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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Wedding Of The Century? Blair And Busch In Engagement Shocker!
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Bush And Blair Posing Affectionately For The Media During Their Official Engagement.
London, UK (AP) - The world was in turmoil last night following the shock announcement that US President Geordie Busch and British Prime minister Tory Blair were engaged.
Following massive slumps in popularity over recent months, two of the modern World's most notorious leaders had no option but to come clean over their relationship.
"I think it began with 9-11." US president Busch smiled. "We instantly clicked!"
It is widely believed that Increasing isolation and a shared common interest are the reasons that have brought the two ever closer. "We are making history." Declared a triumphant Blair.
"No two world leaders have ever consummated their love and respect for each other like us. We hope the world looks up to us and joins us as we hold our heads high and invite you all to witness this momentous union".
Religious Leaders around the world condemned the couple. The Pope even urged them to get advice from Dr. Phil. "And we thought Iraq was bad!" A US democrat commented shaking his head.
Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harpsichord who in recent months believed he was the Apple in Busch's eye would neither make or decline to comment.
Bungee Jump Mishap
Daryl Wankle (Pictured), Moments Before Getting His Tackle In A Tangle.
Auckland, New
Zealand (AP). A 23-year old Bungee enthusiast almost lost his wedding gear yesterday following
a freak safety harness malfunction.
Wankle, a native of Australia, was left dangling unconscious
for what seemed like an eternity as horrified onlookers looked on.
"Initially we thought he'd fainted from the shock of the drop but as we pulled him back up we noticed something had gone horribly wrong. His underpants were wrapped around his neck!" A spokesperson said.
Safety experts concluded that Mr. Wankle's harness pulled an almighty wedgie as it stretched to capacityduring his decent.
Wankle's tackle was eventually cut free and ice packs were administered to his swollen extremities.
Daryl was unable to comment on his horrific ordeal due to his voice being several octaves higher. He is expected to make a full recovery.
Hotel Receptionist Fired For Going Topless
Ms Bumps (Pictured) During A Police Line-up.
Tetons-Sur-Lac, France (AP) -
A Hotel Receptionist who was accused of going topless on numerous occasions has been fired and charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct.
Daniella Delila Bumps, 28, of Bercy, France, was fired Monday after she turned her breasts into Police. According to reports authorities received a complaint that a woman without a top was flashing her breasts at a bus load of vacationing hockey players.
Another complaint was made by a 98 year old Grandmother of ten who complained that the woman breasts were 'too ugly to parade in public'. In both instances the topless woman was quoted as singing 'Nah Nah Na-Na Na-Na Na-Na - you can't touch these!"
A court date has not yet been set but Ms Bumps could face jail time if convicted or be instructed to perform at an adult club in Quebec, Canada infront of the hockey players she flashed.
Police Turn To Prostitution
Two Ex-Cops Turned Prostitutes Get A Verbal Warning As They Try To Sell Their Goods To A City Beat Cop.
New Orleans, LA (AP) -
Hundreds of former Law Enforcement Officers from the Big Easy who turned to crime to survive when lawlessness ravaged New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina have turned to Prostitution as a means to make a steady buck.
"Targeting tourists is where the money is right now!" Former patrol man Bayden James explained. "It's a tough deal man! I was a respected patrol officer until that wind bopped us. I slugged a few bad apples and got a bad wrap. Now I'm selling my body to feed my wife and kids."
James' former partner Kenny Krumples echoed Bayden's sentiments. "Yeah man I'm in on the game, so is our former Captain too! He's our pimp! He takes 80% of what we make but 40% of that goes towards shelters for the poor that the American government failed to donate. So it�s all good bro!"
New Orleans Mayor Reg Nagle acknowledged the ex officers plight. "Yeah we know those guys screwed up big time before and they�re still doing it, so to speak.. But hey! We're in a time of rebirth and all the money we can get to give the homeless homes is our priority right now!"
Rampaging Bull Startles Peaceful Picnic Go-ers
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Out Of Control. The Bull (Pictured) Moments Before Going Berserk.
Griswaldbitburg, Germany (AP) - Weekend Picnic enthusiasts were left shocked and distraught following an incident involving a rampaging Bull last Friday.
Many Picnickers were just settling down to their traditional Sausage and Sauerkraut sandwiches when a great big bull with horns pounced from the bushes it was revealed.
Jurt Jurgens and his wife Heike both regular Picnickers looked on in terror as their friends, Ute and Deter Uberwurst, were trampled into the soft rich sod under the bull's hooves. "It vass hovible" Jurt recalled. "I vass putting ze mustard on meinen sandwich und meinen freunden voss trampled on!"
The carnage didn't stop there. The bull briefly made a pit stop at another Picnic go-er's site and dropped a steaming pile of crap right into their hamper before gauging and tossing an elderly couple twenty feet in the air with his horns. He was later shot by an innocent by stander with a semi-automatic.
"It certainly livened things up around here!" Chief Griswaldbitburg Police Rudoph Blitzer said. "This park is usually so quiet you could hear a hypodermic needle drop from fifty feet!"
Heavy Breathing Banned In High Schools
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Children Like These (Pictured) Will No Longer Be Able To Breathe Heavily During Lessons.
Birmingham, UK (AP).
As of 12 O'clock Monday morning Students attending a high school in Birmingham, England will face immediate suspension if caught breathing heavily.
This follows years of escalating heavy breathing amongst 11-16 year olds that has made it nearly impossible for Teachers to teach over their noise.
School Headmistress Jill Buttles issued the following statement.
"Due to the alarming increase in obese children and the fact that they sit motionless for long periods of time with their weight pressing on their lungs their breathing has become somewhat of a distraction. We tried to implement a no sitting policy but many of the children began getting chronic arthritis of the knees due to the weight on their legs. We therefore had no choice but to remove these noisy breathers and urge them to join a slimming class in order to get them to breathe more quietly."
If the project is seen as a success many Schools across Great Britain may follow suit.
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LOCAL NEWS
Canadian Outport Community Forced To Relocate
Alien Evidence. Roddy MacO'Brien's Snapshot Of A Suspicious Looking Alien Wandering Through The Community Of Battered Gut.
St. John's, NFLD (AP) - While many Canadian's and Government officials have long pointed to the decline in the fishing industry as the prime reason for relocation in Newfoundland & Labrador It has long been common knowledge among Newfoundland's remote Outport communities that 'NUFO's' and Aliens have been a major factor in many communities being forced to relocate.
Now over fifty years after relocation began, startling evidence has emerged in one such Outport to suggest that Aliens may be the reason after all.
Overwhelming photographic evidence coupled with over nineteen reports of Alien mischief in the community of Battered Gut in recent month's now firmly points the finger towards these other worldly beings.
"We've been livin' in misery for decades on Government assistance because those slimy bastards have been stealing all our fish!" Clyde Mundy, Mayor of Battered Gut spat. "All the folks along the south shore have seen them but never had the money for a goddam camera get the evidence!" Clyde continued.
If fellow resident Roddy MacO'Brien had not visited Moncton last weekend and purchased a digital camera this community might well have been forced to relocate too! "I caught that sucker stealin' me Smelts" Roddy smiled defiantly holding up his Camera.
"Our sightings have long been scoffed at in Ottawa. So much so that our last Prime Minister suggested they were just American Tourists. Well I maybe a bit daft but I know the difference between a fat Yank and a grey skinny Alien!". It is hoped now that Ottawa will implement an anti-alien law preventing these 'beings' from entering Newfoundland Outports.
People have long scoffed at the term 'NUFO' or Newfunese Unidentified Flying Object as some silly Newfie saying but after these recent revelations one can only assume that NUFO's really do exist.
Prime Minister Harper was neither available or unavailable for comment.
Daylight Shopping A Hit In Nova Scotia
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Nova Scotians Will Get To Shop During The Day From Now On.
Halifax, NS (AP). Nova Scotian's, famed for being fiercely 'olde world' when it comes to change in any form will now be able to experience what it is like to shop during the day.
For as long as shopping in Nova Scotia has been the norm many Nova Scotian's have only been able to shop after sun down. "It's really exciting" One female shopper enthused. "I've always had to do my shopping after work.".
She's one of the lucky ones. Many Nova Scotians have literally had to starve or wait until the weekend because of working nightshifts.
"I think Sunday shopping has really helped us to some degree because those of us who do work nights can now have the luxury of shopping on Sundays during the day instead of going to Church!". Voiced another shopper who wished not to be identified for fear of upsetting her local Congregation.
"From a financial point of view I think this can only benefit our Province". Nova Scotia Premier Ronald MacDonald said.
Bi-lingual Same-Sex Horses Cleared To Marry In Moncton
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Burt The Bi-Lingual Homosexual Horse Is Overjoyed At The News He Can Now Wed His Gay Partner Dobbin.
Moncton, NB (AP) - History will be made here in Moncton next Thurday when we will witness the first ever legal union of two Bi-lingual same-sex Horses.
After years of heated debaye in the New Brunswick legislature, New Brunswick Premier Bunjay Cord finally won a motion under his Government to proceed with a bill to allow same-sex horses to Marry.
"If our House Speaker Ted O'Malley had voted 'Nay' this momentous event could not have been possible." Premier Cord explained.
Burt,a former RCMP horse and his live in lover, Dobbin, could hardly contain themselves when they heard the news. "Dobbin and I clicked our hooves and galloped excitedly across the field when we first heard!"
Sgt. Terry Kennedy echoed the sentiments of the two overjoyed horses. "Who would think that a horse from Albert County would finally find love with a horse from Memramcook! Good luck to them!"
Prime Minister Harper was unavailable for comment.
Public Urination On The Rise, Baby-Boomers To Blame
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Just One Of Many Public Urinators. This One Was Caught Peeing On A Bush In Winnipeg.
Toronto, ONT. (AP) - Canada's Baby Boomers are now entering the age their parents were when they were old. Now more than ever, more and more Baby Boomers are becoming the victims of incontinence, just like their parents.
For many baby Boomers going to the bathroom is just no longer an option and relieving themselves in public is now fast becoming an epidemic spiraling out of control.
Statistics Canada spokeslady Deborah Dependables outlined the problem. "We've seen a dramatic rise, particularly amongst older women, of cases where they have simply urinated wherever they have found themselves. They are often unloading their bladders onto sidewalks, into dumpsters and on the back seats of Cab's. Their parent�s generation were never like that. They would go in their pants and wore their embarrassment like proud Canadians." Debbie continued.
Toronto Chief Of Police Chiefs - Mozzila Firefox Vincente Eldorado Mussolini Hitler Smith explained. "Something needs to be done about this frankly disgusting problem. Just last week six males in their late fifties urinated uncontrollably into an outdoor pool in Mississauga. Only last Tuesday a woman was seen relieving herself over the balcony of her fifth floor apartment. It's utterly disgusting. We need to act now. Not tomorrow!"
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Broke
While mowing my lawn last Saturday afternoon around 2.45pm, I noticed my next door neigbour in some sort of difficulty on the ground. I deduced that he must have broken a limb or something then continued to finish mowing my lawn. A few hours later I returned outside again to marvel at my handy work when I overheard my neigbour's wife telling her sister that her husband had broke his ankle earlier that day! What a strange twist of fate!
Back
Driving back home from work last Wednesday afternoon I noticed a raging fire flare up from an apartment block. I got out of my car and pointed out to anyone who was watching the scenario unfolding before my eyes. It was not until I got home and watched the local news later that evening that my suspicions were proved to be correct.
Mountain
While hiking up a mountain several years ago I told some fellow hikers that these mountains could be quite tretcherous to climb during the winter months. It was a pity that they did not heed my warning, for the remains of two of those perople were discovered at the very spot I had issued my warning to them all those years ago.
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