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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Bush, Cheney And Rice Lost In Space!
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Chaney, Rice And Bush All Smiles Shortly Before Lift Off!
Kennedy Space Center, USA (AP) - A catastrophe beyond comprehension has left the modern world in a state of shock and awe following the disappearance of America's highest chain of command.
Last Monday, showing bravery, honor and commitment beyond their wildest dreams. The White House's most prolific trio in decades embarked on a voyage of a liftime - to orbit the moon!
President Bush heralded this 'His day of reckoning' and hoped people would see him as a fearless, fun loving risk taker. They were not to be disappointed.
The mission seemed to be on schedule but as their space pod slid behind the dark side of the moon NASA lost radio contact. As the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes to hours we came to realize something horrific had happened.
Right now as we speak these brave American's are on a one way course to Titan, the result of a catastrophic Inexcusible error in the co-ordinates laid out by NASA. We salute these folk no matter what they have done and watch on helplessly as the decend into the darkness of space for all time. Godspeed and God bless you all!
Mexico Increases Its Hit And Run Campaign On Canadian Tourists.
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Canadians Are Being Warned Not To Approach Banana Weilding Mexicans (Pictured). It Could Lead To Another Hit And Run.
Mexico City, MEX (AP) - The Department Of Tourism And Parks Canada has issued a stern warning to Canadians planning on visiting Mexico. 'Go at your own peril!'
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This shock declaration comes weeks after a spate of random murders on Canadian tourists has left the Canadian Government frustrated and powerless to act.
"We can't tell Canadians not to go to Mexico but clearly they have a problem with us or just the fact we wear a maple leaf on our backpacks to draw attention to the fact that we are easy pickings.
The killings began last year. At first it was beheadings, followed by hit and run's now it seems Mexicans who are seen weilding Banana's are the worst people to come in contact with. "The banana gigolo's are the worst!" A serious crime chief warned. "These guys become your friend just as you are ready to fall over drunk. They offer your fruit then they murder you and anyone who is with you just because your Canadian!"
Senior Ottawa correspondent Armitage Shanks offered his take on the situation. "The United States are turning a blind eye to our plea's because Lou Dobbs, a senior anchorman on CNN has alienated the entire Mexican population with his no tolerance immigration stance. Mexicans can't kill American's because they know American will go to war with them but with Canada they know we are powerless and indesisive just like them!"
Harsh but true words indeed!
Candy Bar Sparks Gay Outrage.
What's In A Name? Cadbory's Latest Candy Bar Has Sparked Outrage Across North America. While Europeans Love It!
London, UK (AP) - The latest offering by chocolate manufacturer Cadbory's has ignited a political and ethical firestorm over its choice of labelling.
Gay and Lesbian activists across North American came out in their droves yesterday declaring the product be banned because it attacked the very fabric of homosexual society.
Complaints were filed to the United Nations in New York and the European Commission in the Hague demanding the product be pulled from the shelves.
A Cadbory's spokeperson was left speechless. "This was never intended to be a marketing gimick, but it has clearly worked! Our bars are selling faster than we can stack them! Who would have thought a chocolate bar packed with fruit flavoured nuts would turn into a gay thing?
Cadbory's said they would still make the product as long as the public demanded it.
Small Offenders Act Passed
Governor Of California, Barney Rumenegger Celebrating His Controversial Bill
Washington, DC (AP) -
Late last night The US Senate passed the controversial 'Small offenders Act'. Thus making it law for any man with an erect member no longer than 4 inches, between the age of 15 and 95 to be prosecuted just as if they had a fully erect 6 inch member.
This Act has breathed a sigh of relief for fully erect offenders who until now have felt it unfair that men with a tiny tackle would only get half the sentence of a fully erect offender.
In the past the courts had been allowed to issue the 'pity' clause when sentencing offenders with erectile difficulties.
However there is still a legal loophole as to how best sentence men who's tackle falls between 4.1 and 5.9 inches in length. Many people believe that this omission was deliberately omitted because of the size of the Governors member.
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LOCAL NEWS
Oxycoton; A Pre-requisite For Immigrants Wanting To Settle in The Maritimes.
With Canada's Cash Starved East Coast Communities And Crippling Taxes Oxycoton Is The Leading Option For Coping.
Saint John, NB (AP) -
Amira and Amos Bazalban came to Canada 3 years ago in the hope of securing a better life. They could not believe how open and beautiful their new land was. "It was a dream come true!" Amos remembered. "We had nothing then we had something. We now had a dream to build our reality"
That was until last January when reality struck fear into the hearts of the Bazalbans. "Revenue Canada told us we owed them all our life savings and tax returns for all the year's we had lived in Canada and were unable to work!" Amos lamented. "Suddenly we faced the fact that we would be debt ridden forever!"
,br>Quickly The Bazalbans searched in vain to ease their financial burden. They soon found it in a bottle of Oxycoton.
"Boy that stuff sure did the trick!" He confessed. "It felt like our prayers were answered. Now Amira and Amos, like thousands of Maritimers, find themselves living out of shoeboxes and halfway houses or in friends basements stoned and baked on Oxycoton without a care in the world. "Its great it takes care of us!" Amira smiled wryly.
Since then the provincial government has set up clinics all over the Maritimes urging low income citizens and immigrants to seek the benefitsof Oxycoton as a short term way to alleviate the dire conditions faced in this region of Canada.
"This is utter insanity!" A senior Ottawa MP declared. Drugging the population is not the answer to living the Canadian dream. But, and I stress the word 'but', I agree it helps and that is why it has been made a pre-requisite solution for the time being."
Man Robbed At Gunpoint Opening Sweet Green Relish Jar.
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Fred Fosdyke, (Pictured) got robbed while he tried unsuccessfully to open a jar of his favourite relish.
Battered In-Law, NFLD (AP). The last thing going through the mind of 68 year old Fred Fosdyke as he leaned over his refrigerator to retrieve a jar of relish was that of being a robbery victim.
Infortunately for him, moments later he found himself flat on his back staring up at then muzzle of a gun. "I just thought were in Jesus had me jar of relish gone!" Fred related from his hospital bed. "I mean I was in the middle of getting the darn lid off and 'Whump' I was on me back in agony!'
A man wearing a large bugs bunny mask with a heavy lisp demanded where the money was. Fred replied that he had none but if he wanted his boat and fisherman's licence it was in his jeans pocket upstairs in the laundry basket. The thief then ran upstairs and returned moments later wavinga piece of paper.
"He was sniggering like a little school girl who'd just being given an A Plus for spelling" Fred quipped. But I knew he was stupid because he ran off with me electric bill!"
Fred who had never been robbed before breathed a sigh of releif that he wasn't really robbed at all.
Police however are still looking out for a stupid person with a girly laugh that lives in or around the Battered-In-Law area. "Folks as sumb as that don't get far!" Fred smiled
Miramichi Student Vaporized.
All That Remained Of Michel DeVenir After He Was Vaporized
Miramichi, NB (AP) - A student out walking his tortoise last Sunday afternoon was horrifically vaporized say Police
Twenty-three year old Michel DeVenir from Bouctouche had been enjoying sandwiches and cake with friends under an old maple tree moments before the tragedy struck
"We were just packing up to leave after a fine afternoon picnic when I noticed Basil, that's Michel's pet tortoise, looking up to the heavens. Moments later there was this big flash and Michel had vanished" A pal recounted.
"All that was left was this steamy chalk like stain in the grass were he was sitting" Another friend continued. "It was bizzare!"
While random vaporizing is extremely rare. It can happen. Unfortunately for Michel he was in the wrong place at the right time.
After a brief Police investigation it was determined that Michel DeVenir died by an accidental freak of nature. His parents are planning an appeal.
Outrage Casts A Cloudy Turd Over World Toilets Expo!
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One Of This Summer's Hottest Events In Metro Moncton Could Be Flushed Into Doubt.
Moncton, NB. (AP) - Thousands of residents of Greater Moncton swarmed the streets yesterday in protest over the cost of one of the biggest events seen in years here.
Six years ago Canada was awarded the country to host the 2007 World Toilets Expo. Then two years ago Moncton was given the green light as the city to host it. Town Councillors then errected a six foot countdown clock outside City Hall to mark the exact time and date that the event would take place.
The clock alone cost taxpayers $6 million dollars. That according to Nichele Albertine spokewoman for the 'Société Nationale de l'Acadie' was when the whole event turned sour.
"We don't mind having an exposition of worldwide toilets in our city but when the whole event starts to run into hundreds of millions of dollars one has to wonder what we are doing?"
Loonie Mittons, Moncton's current Mayor dismissed the furore. "Listen this is the biggest number two your going to see. Toilet diginitaries the world over will be flocking to see our feces flushing fixtures! Sure taxpayers are going to pay but hey they all have credit cards to fall back on now don't they? As for Ms Albertine the Provincial government is always paying out money for her folk to fly around the world for free anyway! Whatever you do someone is never happy!"
The event runs through the last weekend in July and tickets are $300.00 for standingand $350 for sitting.
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Juicy
While preparing a juicy 8oz steak last Thursday evening I became momentarily distracted by the sound of sirens wailing past my house. I remember picking up my phone and telling the first person I called that I thought I had heard the possibility of an accident. Sure enough the very next morning as I broke open my boiled eggs I opened my local paper and found a whole article on an accident that had taken place just moments from my house!
Green
There are a lot of strange people wandering the malls of Moncton at the best of times. Saturday afternoon prooved to be no different. As I was busy admiring some bright green plants a woman dressed in pink satin pajamas ask me if I wished to engage in some very kinky, exploratory sex. To which I replied 'Not today thankyou' and discretely walked away. I remember telling the lotto woman that I was pretty certain a prostitute was working in the mall. Guess what I was right! She was arrested having sexual encounters witht the owner of the very florist I was in earlier that day!
Cucumbers
While fingering some rather succulent cucumbers on Monday in the grocery store I witnessed what looked like a small child urinating onto the fried chicken hotplate located in the deli section. I immediately alerted the store manager who gave my assurances that the chicken be removed from the hotplate. Imagine my disbelief upon watching the early evening news and being told that a batch of 'bad' chicken had made over 300 people seriously ill!
Remember you saw it here first!
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