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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Climate Change Talks Reach Agreement.
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Landmark Where Talks Were Held
Clackerty O' Crackerty, IRELAND (AP) - After decades of deliberation delegates from more than 840 so called countries agreed Friday on a sensible "guideline" for policy makers, stating more loudly than ever that climate change has begun and threatens to irreversibly alter the planet after many years of
monetary greed and plain ecological sillyness.
The 10,467 page document, summarizing the scientific consensus on human-induced climate change, will be distributed once again to the 840 so called delegates at yet another crucial meeting in Indonesia next month that is intended to launch an even more louder warning on the dangers of global warming.
Five years of sometimes tense negotiations ended before dawn with the approval of a 20,097 page summary of thousands of pages of data and computer projections compiled over the last sixty years by the Associated Representation of Scientific Economists (ARSE)
The report does not commit participating governments to any course of action but recommends that they do because if they don't all kinds of sillyness will eventually occur across the planet.
"This is a groundbreaking document that will pave the way for deep emissions cuts by developing countries," said Stephan Snigger, a climate specialist for (ARSE).
Man Completes Solo Trek Over Himalayas With Open Wheel Barrow.
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Culvert City, CA (AP) - Eccentric multi-millionaire Eugene Goldestein has completed his life long ambition - to become the world's first person to trek over the Himalayas in a wheel barrow.
Eugene completed his epic journey in a mind-boggling 468 days. "Its was tough' he smiled wearily from his Hospital bed, nodding to the two stumps where his legs were once attached.
Eugene braved bone-chilling temperatures, a series of attacks by killer mountain goats and a spell of starvation mixed with frostbite but never gave up.
'I found myself cursing my wheel barrow at times, but never once did I part company with it.' It proved his saviour in the end. Once his legs fell off due to frostbite he spend the rest of the journey using his wheel-barrow, affectionately dubbed 'Mildred' as a sledge of sorts.
'We did a lot of downhill slopes' he chuckled. 'We shared some very special moments' he reflected. 'Ultimately I couldn't have done it without her!'
Toast Slice Resembles Remarkable Likeness To Celebrity Chef's Chin.
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Gordon Ramsay (Pictured Inset) With The Slice Of Toast Showing An Amazing Likeness To His Chin
London, UK (AP) - A piece of toast bearing a remarkable likeness to the Internationally renowned masterchef Gordon Ramsey sold on Ebay last month for a whopping 27 cents US.
The slice of toast managed to capture every deep line and scar of Gordon's lower face. "It was an absolute freak of nature" remarked frequent Ebay user and toast maker Edwin Dallas. "I mean to place a slice of Wundabread in the toaster and have Gordon's mangled chin apparate onto the toast was totally jaw dropping!"
Surprisingly, failed footballer and frequent cheesegrater user Gordon Ramsey, the internationally renowned chef and celebrity mouthpiece was unavailable for comment when notified of this rather unique slice of toast.
Socialite And Playboy Hermenegilde Bourque Marries - A Can Of Soup!
Multi-millionaire housing contractor Hermenegilde Bourque 50, has spent a lifetime looking for love. The Vermont, New Hampshire native was well renowned for his skills as a red-blooded skirt chaser but eventually it was can of hearty beef and vegetable soup that stole his heart.
I was cleaning out my kitchen cupboards one day and I came face to face with his 12oz can of Hungry-Boy Soup. It just broke my heart. I couldn't face spending the rest of my life without it. I knew then that this was what I wanted to spend the rest of my life with'.
Hermenegilde and his soup can spent a fortune on fertility treatments but sadly it was to no avail. 'We discussed and tried to have children, but to no avail' he lamented. Its no bother I'm still happy and we have a wonderfully open sexual relationship!
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LOCAL NEWS
Notorious Slingback-Slipper Killer Captured.
Slingback slippers Like These Were The Likely Murder Weapon.
Renous, NB (AP) Kevin O'Slaney, mild mannered pipe-fitter from Joggins Crotch, Newfoundland was arrested Friday in connection with a series of gruesome murders.
The six-year long Canada-wide search came to an abrupt end when Kevin was stopped for speeding along a single lane rutted road without tyres on his car.
At first Corporal Barry Steeves of the RCMP served O'Slaney with a caution to get some tyres but then noticed he was wearing pink fluffly slingback-slippers instead of man-type shoes.
"I thought he was just your average Joe from the boonies." Corporal Steeves remembered then 'I was instantly aroused by his footwear'. Steeves then called for back-up and O'Slaney was duly arrested.
Canada had been living in fear upto this point with a string of homicides occuring in all ten provinces over several years all resulting in tell-tale signature slingback imprints on the victim's bodies.
Woman Arrested In Muffin Heist.
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Some Of The Many Muffins Stolen During The Heist
Moncton, NB (AP) Barney's Magic Muffin Makers can breath a sigh of relief at last following the arrest of 46 year old Mildred Guffanwy.
Early Wednesday morning it was reported that store owner Biff Troyson had over 945 freshly baked Muffin's stolen from his store in what he described as the most 'miserable day of his life'.
'This dear old middle-aged plump woman came into my store pointed a baking tray at my head and demanded I give her all my freshly baked Muffins or she'd shove my head into the oven' A shocked and clearly shaken Mr. Troyson was quoted as saying.
Fearing his good looks and golden locks would be burnt to a crisp he duly handed over the Muffins. 'She took my prized 'Walnut and Peach medleys', my famous 'Chocolate chip muffin meltdown' and some half baked 'Sherry and pineapple Almond whips!'
Later that day Police arrested the woman, carrying 14 garbage bags filled with Muffins, puffing and panting along George Boulevard who clearly looked to be in distress.
Plane Takes Off Lands Shortly Afterwards
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A Cessna Like The One Pictured At Left Was Seen Taking Off And Landing Again.
Dieppe, NB (AP) - A Cessna 210 Centurion was spotted late Thursday evening taking off from the Greater Moncton Airport at around 6.20pm.
Eyewitness Daryl Dyck reported the event within minutes. "I spotted this 6 seater, high-performance, retractable-gear single-engine general aviation aircraft leave the runway at approximately 6.20pm and filmed the departure on my digi-cam." Dyck was quoted as saying.
Seconds turned into minutes as the plane climbed higher and higher and flew in what appeared to be circular patterns above the airfield. After 30 minutes or so the plane returned to the airport posting a copy book landing.
"I was very impressed with its landing" Daryl continued from his vantage point. I held out as long as I could until I knew all was well.
A spokeperson for the Moncton Flight club expressed admiration for this vigilant bystander. "This guy proved beyond doubt that our sky's are being watched with a passion that only flight instructors and aviation enthusiasts the world over can fully appreciate and understand!"
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Cod
I reported back in 1993 that I suspected that very soon every fishing village located in and around the vicinity of Newfoundland and Labrador would soon have to cease their fishing activities. Decades later my predictions held true. Sure enough Cod and other types of fish have only been allowed to be caught in samll numbers resulting in many job losses and families being forced to move elsewhere for work.
Piece
There was a piece I wrote in a local newspaper recently that stated that before long big things would be happening in Moncton. Things such as more building permits, more job opportunities, more retail outlets and more hotels. How right I turned out to be!
Breath
Last Sunday I stepped out for a breath of fresh air. It was a fine, cool, morning with a touch of frost on the ground and a hint of winter in the air. Sure enough as I returned from my walked I switched on my TV and watched with awe as the forecast for the day predicted we were to have a fine, cool, morning with a touch of frost!
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