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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Cardboard Saves US Automotive Industry.
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Automotive Giant Chrysler Showing Off Their Latest Prototype. The Chrysler Calice Cardboard Kit Car ECO21. Manufactured Entirely Out Of Cardboard.
Detroit, MI (AP). The debt-ridden US automotive industry was handed a lifeline yesterday following a sensational bailout by Washington.
President Omamma, speaking at a press conference hailed the decision to start manufacturing cars out of cardboard.
"I think this is the start of a new era in the future of global car manufacturing". He stated. "Not only do we have a vision for cheap, affordable means of transportation but we also have something that is bio-degradable and recyclable at the same time. It is without doubt a means in which we, as the world's greatest nation, can move forward in an environmentally and ecologically competent manner".
This latest announcement also paves the way for job creation and stability.
Chet Bladderburger, spokesperson for the US economy enthused. "Imagine how many new businesses will be created out of recycling cardboard cars?" We'll be setting up plants all over the country! Imagine buying a car for a fraction of the price you pay today, use it for a few months then when it gets too soggy and impractical to drive trade it in at your local recycling plant and simply buy another at Wal-Mart!"
Leading US car manufacturers such as Ford, GM and Chrysler were reportedly breathing a sigh of relief at the news. "We can now rebuilt, re-sell and re-stock with renewed vigor and confidence"
German Woman Missing For 46 Years Found Living In A Dog Kennel In Berlin.
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Frauke Blitzer, (pictured) Missing for 46 Years Found Living In Dog Kennel
Berlin, Germany (AP). A German woman missing for 46 years has been found living in a dog kennel on the outskirts of Berlin wearing nothing more than a red bow-tie and a pair of old socks police said Wednesday evening.
The 62-year-old woman, whose name was believed to be Frauke Blitzer, appeared to be healthy and well despite living all these years in a cramped 3ft high wooden A-Frame kennel, sporting the name 'Fritz'.
Police had been alerted the previous day by a funeral director who had spotted a woman leaping around on all fours with a rotten bone in her mouth in the back garden of the recently deceased owner. "It was an odd thing to see declared Funeral Director Hans Littlebaum. "There was this old woman, all dirty and naked playing in the backyard."
Local Police officer Dieter Weydelpacher was the first on the scene. "She answered our questions and told us she didn't want any contact with her family," he said. "She conversed normally, but she also barked alot." He added believing she had developed certain canine tendancies.
Ms Blitzer was reported missing during the 1960's near Potsdam, Germany, outside Berlin. She was identified with the aid of a dog tag that said 'Fritz'. Apparently the name given to the original occupant of the dog kennel who died around the exact time of Ms Blitzers disappearence.
It is belived Ms Blitzer has now been moved to a more permanent facility where she is receiving the best mental rehabilitation treatments.
Church Of England Plans To Ban Rollerblading Clergy.
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Father Hanratty O'Hanlon, 86, shown here in a recent file photo Rollerblading to Church.
London, UK (AP). The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Atkinson, backed the call to ban clergy from Rollerblading in public following the recent arrest of Father Hanratty O'Hanlon who refused to remove his roller blades saying that they keep him fit and healthy.
This week he was hauled before the courts where he denied endangering public safety by rollerblading.
The Church's parliament, imposed the ban despite the misgivings of Church officials and worries that it will infringe the rights of clergy to freely rollerblade in public places.
They were urged by former Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Bladder, who said it would make it "much more difficult" for the Church Of England or similar organisations to wantonly rollerblade on pavements and roads without a thought or care to innocent pedestrians.
Father O'Hanlon said he has been rollerblading to keep fit for more than seven years and in all that time has never collided with any pedestrian or received any complaints.
"It's an absolute outrage!" He declared. It's OK for drunken youth's and teenage boys with long hair and funny pants to do it but if an old master of the cloth does it he's seen as a possible danger to civilians!"
The vote came despite that fact that it is not illegal and that clergy have the same rights to rollerblade as anyone else.
World's Oldest Person Turns 153.
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Cannabis Cove, NFLD (AP). The identity card of Horace Cludger, a resident of Cannabis Cove, Newfoundland, Canada shows his age to be 153, according to the local newspaper 'The Cove Courier'.
Horace family came to know about it only recently when the Canadian department of naturalisation and residency officially mentioned his age in the identity card. His exact date of birth has, however, not been revealed. "It's so long ago Horace can't exactly pin point the date because he says his mother didn't even know what day or year it was back then. They had no clocks or calendars and she was illiterate." A reporter for 'The Cove Courrier' revealled.
"I managed to keep good health because I always believed in eating freshly cured and salted fish," the newspaper quoted Horace as saying in an interview from 1963. "I look much younger than my age, as I am still practising the old Newfie lifestyle such as waking up early, drinking screech and eating baked flour daily," he added.
As of now, the title of the world's oldest person rests with Bessie Vulva of Maine, USA, whose official age is 114. years. She has been holding the title since November last year.
Born and bred on the Island of Newfoundland, Horace claimed to have been too old to fight in World War I, didn't remember seeing any cars until he was over the age of 100 and never left his house much. Describing himself as a lazy old arse he's said to be still in high on spirits.
"Although Horace's eighty-six grandchildren are long dead he's not dependent on anybody," his great-great-great grandson Fred said. "He's an old one for sure, hard to believe he's an old ship-wrecker from the olden days. He'd have a lot of stories for sure but when he coughed up his voice box back in the 1980's that was that!"
In light of the lack of evidence suggesting that Horace really is as old as it is claimed the Guiness Book of records have yet to submit Mr Cludger's age.
The Canadian Bank Of Canada Says It Will Be Deep And Painful But Relatively Short.
OTTAWA (AP) - In the first detailed analysis of the World and Canadian economies since borrowing, lending and loaning spiralled out of control, the Canadian Bank of Canada says that only a "substantial" painful stimulus in more sensitive areas will help lift our economy out of a depression.
The other key, it says, is that current stiff unwavering credit and constipated equity markets are now beginning to show slight signs of loosening.
"The anticipated normalization of these conditions, together with our stimulus coming from more painful areas should boost the growth of idiots spending in 2010," the bank said in one of it's Monetary Policy Reports recently.
Finance Minister Jim Flatulence said "Canadian credit conditions remain better than those in other major countries like Bolivia, Uzbekistan and Mongolia. So we are predicting a rosy outlook real soon eh?"
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LOCAL NEWS
Woman Escapes With Minor Injuries After Setting Tanning Bed On Fire.
Tanning Bed Survivor Candy Bileduct (Pictured) Is Done With 'Fake And Bake' Tanning - For Now.
SUMMERSIDE, PEI (AP) - It got real hot during a woman's tanning session at a Summerside location Thursday - the bed she was lying on ignited!
Candy Bileduct, 35, was in the middle of getting her all over body tan for an upcoming dream holiday in Nicaragua when she accidently passed wind. "I heard a soft pop and suddenly found the bed had caught on fire."
Consumed with panic and fear Candy then let off a series violent gastrointestinal gusts that only added to the situation.
Staff were immediately alerted to the problem and called 911. "Oh the smell was just awful, the methane and acrid smoke billowing from the tanning machine was overwelming." Tanning owner Pandora Polkadott recalled. "We realised with horror that Candy was still in there and rushed to open the machine."
Fire crews found the tanning studio already full of smoke and flames when they arrived, thankfully everyone had been evacuated including a charred and disorientated Candy.
"Ms. Bileduct was extremely lucky that she did not suffocate, she did however suffer severe localised burns and smoke inhilation" Fire Chief, Chuck Chitlins revealed.
Investigators are working out how on earth Candy's flatulence caused the bed to spark up.
Meanwhile, Candy says she's done with the "fake n' bake" tanning for a while.
$18 Million Dollar Community Pool Open For Business.
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Dieppe's controversial state of the art Aquatic Centre (pictured) will be a boon to local residents and tourists.
Dieppe - New Brunswick (AP). After two years and $18 million dollars Dieppe residents now have access to their brand new state of the art Aquatic centre.
"Finally were are here!" Said Dieppe's Mayor Jean NoirLeBlanc."It's been a struggle, but a struggle worth struggling for!" He enthused.
Building for the structure began in earnest over two years ago but ground subsidence caused by a nearby marsh caused the pool to disappear beneath the mud. Another attempt the following summer hit a stumbling block when it was discovered the new site, a little bit over from the old site, was slap bang on top of the old city dump.
"It's true residents did begin to complain a small amount". LeNoirLeblanc said. "We were already $12 million dollars into the project and had nothing to show for it, but our faith and conviction willed us through!"
The new centre boasts an eco-friendly outdoor appeal with activites planned on and around the pool all year round.
Reginie LaFleur, spokesperson for Parks and Recreations Canada, gushed. "We have swimming for eight weeks during the summer, followed by four months of raking the leaves and another six months of skating and Ice hockey. It will be Dieppe's main attraction I am sure!"
New Brunswick's Notorious Siblings In Court.
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Biff And Sherry Twinkie (Pictured) Enjoying A Domestic Dispute With Their Dogs on George Street, Moncton Recently. (File Photo)
Moncton, NB (AP) Seven members of the Twinkie family were in court yesterday to be arraigned on almost 600 criminal charges, but not one of them was capable of entering a plea.
The four men accused - Bamfort, Beau, Biff and Bufort Twinkie - were in the prisoners dock in Moncton's Court of Queen's Bench, some having been denied bail while others waived their bail hearings. The three women charged - Shirley Twinkie and twins Sheila and Sherry were present in court, but apparently had no idea where they were.
The Twinkie's face charges ranging from selling stolen wicker baskets from the trunk of their cars on busy intersections, running around busy streets naked, offering sexual favours for money to innocent pedestrians, to scaring young children and deficating in public without provocation. More than one thousand RCMP officers wasted valuable police time and tax payers money executing search warrants on one house during the morning of March 10, as part of Operation "Twinkie"
It took the court clerk approximately 4 minutes to read the charges to the accused. After every single charge the clerk stopped and asked the accused if they pleaded guilty or not guilty and every single time, the accused became visibly confused, disorientated and startled.
One of the accused, Biff Twinkie, at first wouldn't respond at all. When Justice Jed Ripeass repeated that a plea was necessary, Biff said that he'd taken a pee earlier in the day. Then sat back down and lit a cigarette. The rest of the family then began grunting in unison, uttering the same response.
It was stated in court yesterday that when this case goes to trial it could take three to four years. One lawyer said after court they are waiting to make sure Legal Aid will pay for the time they put into the case before they agree to represent the accused. "These are immensly stupid individuals with little or no intellect at all. The Twinkie's are like an untrained litter of puppy's. How these forest living folk ever managed to survive after their parents died is a miracle in itself!"
Judge Jed Ripeass said he was greatly troubled by the fact the accused have already elected to be tried by Queen's Bench judge without legal counsel and apparently have no idea what they are doing there.
While the defence are secretly snickering their asses off, Crown prosecutor Candi Greasepole said she wouldn't agree to adjourn the matter unless the defence lawyers agreed to waive any claim of delay later on. Two of the lawyers said they wouldn't waive claims of delay, so Greasepole insisted the judge go ahead with the reading of the charges.
Just last week, Bamfort Twinkie had an unrelated threats charge stayed in provincial court because of excessive drinking.
Truck Spills Two Tons of Cod Heads on Road.
Lettuce Corner, NFLD (AP). A tractor trailer bound for New Guinea carrying two tons of cod heads veered off the Transcanada highway late last night killing one person and leaving over two tons of cod heads strewn across a half mile stretch of road late last night.
Truck driver Curley Codroy had left St. John's bound for Port Aux Basques when at approximately 10.20pm he saw what he thought was an armoured personnel carrier heading straight for him. He swerved to avoid a collision and ditched his tractor trailer into a ditch.
When Police finally arrived they found Curley wandering sporadically across the highway picking up bits of fish in a haphazzard fashion.
Royal Newfoundland Constabulary officer, Ernie Arkless, was first on the scene. "It was clear that the driver of the tractor trailer was somewhat disorientated and confused. We ran some tests on him and found high quantities of cocanine, a certain amount of undetermined hallucinogenics and weed in his blood. He told us he had narrowly avoided an armoured personnel carrier when infact the only thing on the highway at that time was a homeless old man wandering along the road retrieving beer cans".
The homeless man who could not be identified was taken back to a morgue in St. John's along with the driver of the truck, Mr. Codroy, who was placed in a holding cell pending sentencing.
"Luckily for the folks of the small roadside community of Lettuce Corner nobody else was injured." Officer Arkless concluded. The cod head cleanup took several hours and the highway was opened shortley before dawn.
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Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Trouser
My Rumometer has been throbbing off the scale lately with all the wild rumours circulating Greater Moncton of late. Only last Thursday whilst I was browsing for some new clothes in a very respectable department store did I hear that women preferred to wear trousers over skirts whilst attending Government related job interiews. Intrigued by this conversation I slowly made my way past the women's lingerie section to listen in more closely. Trousers they said looked more business like wheras skirts invited temptation. Turns out I couldn't agree more!
Snake
Whilst on a recent visit to the local Zoo I was busy feeding some playful otters with some Cashew nuts when I heard one of the Zoo keepers mentioned that a Python had escaped from the Reptile house. Imagine my amazement the next day when the local media began running stories to the same effect!
Turmoil
At about 3.19 am last Wednesday I found myself woken by the need to urinate. Had I not done so I would not have flicked on the TV afterwards and caught a news headline running the story about some African country being in a state of turmoil. Remember folks you heard it all here first!
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