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INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Pope Visits Disney World.
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Pope Benedict XVI (Pictured) Spends An Afternoon Parousing The World Famous Theme-Park
Orlando, FLA - AP. Security in Orlando was on high alert yesterday following an unscheduled visit by none other than the vicar of Christ himself - Pope Benedict XVI.
Within minutes of his arrival SWAT teams, The US Army and CNN reporters hastily decended on the scene. This then followed a mass evacuation of the immediate area, allowing the Pope a flying visit around the immediate locale in
his Popemobile.
"Totally unexpected" declared one senior CNN correspondent. "It's not everyday a Pope drops in on Mickey and friends that's for sure!" another enthused.
It is believed the Pope, destined for a five-day tour of Guatemala decided on this brief excurison during a routine re-fueling stop in Orlando.
"Cinderella is Joey's favourite Disney movie." A senior aid to the Pope announced. "He's always been a fan of Disney cartoons. He just seized the opportunity to view Cinderella's castle and took it!"
God Bless.
Canadian PM In Seal Whisker Wig Probe.
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The Canadian PM's Hair - Revealed As As An Intricately Woven Mass Of Harp Seal Whiskers.
OTTAWA - (AP). Prime Minister Stephen Harper faced certain humiliation yesterday after it was discovered that his immaculate head of hair was infact made from fine Seal whisker strands.
A spokeswoman from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) announced Friday that one of their members had conclusive evidence that the Canadian PM's head
of hair was infact a wig made from culled Harp Seal's whiskers.
"One of our Parliamentary hairdressers is an active member of our group and she sent us some of Mr Harper's
strands for analysis and our findings quite frankly shocked us".
Prime Minister Harper a staunch follower of the annual Seal cull off the coast of Eastern Canada was unavailable for comment yesterday following the allegations.
Michael Ignatieff leader of Canada's opposition party made the following announcement. "I've long thought it odd that our PM's hair never moved much, even during times of uncertainty
within the Government but how low is this Prime Minister prepared to go!I mean wigs are one thing but to use Seal whiskers to cover his quite obviously barren scalp is absolutely outrageous!"
While many Canadian's dismissed the latest allegations, preferring take-out food and Hockey over anything Political, one political delegate from Norway quipped. "I can see
the logic. Steven Harper - Harp Seal! There's meaning in his madness!"
PETA wants The Canadian PM to return his Seal Whisker Weave and opt for a more conventional nylon woven wig instead. "The Shopping Channel has offered to supply him a lifetime's worth of wigs
it's in his and our interest that he reconsiders. The spokeswoman concluded.
New York's Storm Drain Woes Continue.
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New York Yesterday Looking Very Much Like A Scene From A Hollywood Disaster Movie.
New York, NY (AP). New Yorkers breathed a sigh of relief yesterday as they woke to a peaceful cloudless sunny day.
For weeks now residents of New York and much of New Jersey have been living in terror, fear, panic and uncertainty following three
straight weeks of rain that saw The Hudson River swell to gargantuan proportions and the sea level rise several hundred feet above normal.
Over 8 million people from lower New York State and eastern New Jersey found themselves scrambling to higher ground in the days following what American news networks dubbed "Floodageddon".
Many citizens quickly found themselves hopelessly sea-locked on the upper floors of many of New York's high rise blocks or skyscrapers before being airlifted to the safety of makeshift tent communities in Maine.
"This is the first break in the weather we have had for 23 straight days". New York's Mayor Michael Bloomburg cheerfully announced. "Hopefully now as the waters begin to recede we can truly see just how much damage nature has
thrown at us and move forward in rebuilding this magnificent City." He enthused.
Skeptics lay the blame firmly on New York's outdated sanitation and sewage system. "Within two days of rain our storm drains began gushing upwards like geysers everywhere! We saw Whales, Sharks, all manner of sea dwelling
citizens swimming up and down our streets it just was not normal!" A city councillor raged.
New York, although a coastal city, had an inordinate lack of boats and sea faring vessels to cope with such a flood thus severely hampering evacuations out of the city. Millions of people were told to stay where they were or
quickly find a place high enought to be safe.
People still do not know for sure just how many people drowned in the first couple of weeks or how many people are facing near starvation from feeding on snack vending machines in high rise office blocks.
"One happy New Yorker, Chet Stanislas, holed up in an air vent for 14 days, held true to the American spirit. "Hey 14 days spent in an air vent to get on Larry King? Hell yeah. I'm living the dream baby!"
Aliens Are Staring Us In The Face.
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This Astronomer Who Wished To Remain Anonymous Could Well Be An Alien If Theories Are Proved.
ROME, Italy (AP) - Aliens may be “staring us in the face” in a form humans are unable to recognise, an astronomer who wished to remain anonymous declared last Thursday at an Astronomy Luncheon held in Rome.
“I suspect there could be life and intelligence out there in forms we cannot conceive. Just as a chimpanzee cannot understand quantum theory, many human folk cannot read!
The problem is that we’re looking for something very much like us, assuming that they at least have something like the same mathematics and technology,” he continued.
Billions of dollars from all over the world have made sure that telescopes and magnifying glasses have come along way in the last 100 years so our chances of seeing something is better than ever before.
Another expert in the field of Astronomy Dr Francis Drake told the conference that satellite TV and the “digital revolution” was making humanity invisible to aliens by reducing the mass of satellite and radio junk spewed out on
a daily basis from North America.
"At present, the Earth is surrounded by a 50 light year-wide "shell" of radiation from analogue TV, radio and radar transmissions. The existence of extra terrestrial life may be beyond
human understanding and we should start searching for them right here in Rome. Mr Drake concluded."
He made the remarks shortly after a family ballooning trip. It's a well known fact that the vatican has bent billions searching for ET that they even made a film about him
in 1982.
Revealed: Alcatraz Escapee's Fled To Cuba.
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De-classified File Photo Of Frank Morris Circa 1969 In Montreal Canadiens Hockey Attire.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA (AP) - New light has Recently been shed on declassified documents surrounding the sensational escape and whereabouts of three escapee's from Alcatrez more than 45 years ago.
On the night of June 12, 1962, fugitives Frank Morris and brothers John and Clarence Anglin made one of the most sensational prison breaks of the 20th century. never to be heard of again. Until now.
Information has now been
made public that on that very night the US Coast guard spotted a Cuban Submarine patrolling in the waters off Alcatraz Island.
It can now be revealed that all three fugutuves were picked up by the submarine off the frigid waters of nearby Angel Island by the Submarine on the orders of Fidel castro and whisked to the safety and seclusion of Cuba.
Written and photographic evidence also show that Mr. Morris and the Anglin brothers spent some of their life running a Tobacco farm. Selling their produce illegally to high paying crimminal organizations within the United States
and Russia. Ties to The Kennedy administration and the Mafia were also highlighted in receipts kept in a copy of Frank Morris's favourite novel 'Of Mice & Men'.
Frank lived out his last days in Varadero living in at Hotel Iberostar Playa Alameda under the assumed name of a Canadian hockey player called Maurice Richard. he died in 2000. As for the Anglin brothers, according to Frank's diaries
they left one morning in July 1972 bound for Trinidad in an inflatible tyre.
These latest relevations have startled and embarrased many of America's old political war horses.
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LOCAL NEWS
Moncton Braces For Erruption Of Volcanic Proportions.
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Smoke And Ash Can Be Seen Rising From New Brunwick's Only Volcano 'The Petitcodiac Pile' (File Photo)
MONCTON, NB (AP). The municipalities of Moncton, Riverview and Dieppe were on high alert this week after New Brunswick's one and only dormant Volcano 'The Petitcodiac Pile' began gushing
huge volumes of steam and ash from the top of its 24ft dome.
The mound, a permanent fixture and tourist attraction, situated beside Moncton's Via Rail terminal began belching hot steam and smoke at around 3.40pm Tuesday evening.
Residents living and working and walking within 50ft of the Volcano were urged to evacuate until further notice.
"Our diligent Fire department has been battling this erruption continuously and at present we are powerless to contain this smouldering beast" A local firechief commented. "We urge all residents and citizens to stay clear,
however the train station, grocery store and liquor outlet will remain open until the danger becomes too great."
Environmentalists have long protested that leeching from the now closed nearby Moncton landfill and the resulting build-up of toxic gases would one day result in re-igniting the Volcano.
Not so says Moncton Councillor Dick Ladlecock.
"I don't believe the closing of the landfill has any direct link with this erruption, I think it has a lot to do with the Vaughan Harvey extension they put in a few years ago. I firmly believe contractors hit a vein or hot spot thus setting the lava flow
on it's present course".
As of last night the City was in a state of panic. People were running everywhere, stockpiling provisions, digging bunkers and raiding retail outlets. The scene was something out of a typical American disaster movie. All attempts to calm
residents of an impending erruption were largely ignored.
Moncton Mayor George LeNoir heralded the spirit of his resilient residents. "If anything they've done wonders for business in and around the city. I urge them to keep it up!"
Thieves Attacked With Haemorroid Cream.
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Thomas Power, 82, (pictured) Fended Off Would-Be-Thieves With Tube Of Haemorroid Cream.
ST. JOHN'S, NFLD (AP) - Thieves attempting to steal a disabled man's scooter as he was busily getting drunk in his local bar got more than they bargained for.
The Victim, Thomas Power, 82, of Hemorrhoid Harbour was enjoying his nightly alcohol fix at 'Ducky's One-Stop Until You Drop Bar & Grill' at approximately 9.30pm
when two masked men walked up to him and demanded the keys to his scooter.
Mr. Power refused thus setting off a bizarre chain of events. "These Guys wanted me Scooter Right? Well, I was havin' none of that right? So I says to de larger fella 'Why don't you boys go back home
and think about how silly you are asking to steal me scooter'. Well I'm numb from the waist down an' drunk from the neck up so I ain't puttin up with this sort of caper right? So I tells these bye's to go an steal something
a bit more big, like a car if you know what I mean".
What happened next was as you can imagine a bit of a blur to Mr. Power. "I remember the little fella start feeling around in me Jean's pockets, well nobody does that except me right? So, I reach into me medical pack and get
out de first thing I can find to defend meself. A tube of Anusol of all things. I squirt the little beggar in de face wid it and he starts howling bloody Mary! Den de udder fella, de big 'un, he leans over me and threats me so I give him a dose
eh? Den next thing theyre all squirming all over de floor."
After some assistance by the bar's landlord and a 9-1-1 call the whole incident was put to rest. "Turns out these two juveniles just wanted a ride to nearby Horseball's Bay to spend the night with their sick Grandmother"
The landlord of 'Ducky's One-Stop Until You Drop Bar & Grill' Arthur Pushthrough said. "Poor old Thomas was so far gone after he squirted the Hemorroid cream that he passed out.
No Charges were laid in the incident as the would-be-thieves were known relatives of the intented victim.
Dangerous Dogs Maybe Made To Wear Helmets.
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Cute But Extremely Volatile. The Feared Vietnamese Poodle Will Likely Look Something Like this If Law Is Passed.
FREDERICTON, NB (AP) - New Brunswick lawmakers will next week take a vote in favour of passing a controversial new law
making it manditory for dangerous dogs to wear helmets and face guards when out in public.
The proposal has caused uproar, upheavel and even a loss of peace of mind for many dangerous dog owners. "These laws are extreme and insane!" One visibly angry
owner said. "I have two Pitbulls and two Presa Canario's and if you think I'm gonna have them running around the local kids play area dressed like NHL all-star goal tenders
you can kiss my hairy a$$!"
Steve 'Seven-up' Steeves, MLA for Fredericton North-Central-But-Slighty-East defended tha act. "It's a lot more safer for angry territorial guard dogs to headbutt it's indended
victims than to rip at their flesh. I think it's a great idea!" These sentiments were also echoed by Pete 'Pepsi' Poirier MLA for Oromocto South-Slightly-More-North.
The dogs most likely to be affected by the imposed measures will include Pitbulls, Mastiff's, Rottweilers, Doberman's, Presa Canadio's Huskies and the fearless Vietnamese
Ho Chi Minh Poodle.
More And More Atlantic Canadians Growing Out Their Nostril Hairs.
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Sales Of Glue-on Do-it-yourself Nostril Hair Have soared In Recent Years.
ANTIGONISH, NS (AP) - Maritime men's nostril hairs are growing longer according to a recent study.
Findings from a recent survey done at St. Francis Xavier University revealed that men aged between 18-30 prefer long, protruding nasal hairs to none at all.
Sales of 'Nostril Buddy' have almost tripled in recent months because men simply can't grow out their hairs fast enough.
A renowned scholar in the teaching of bodily hair summed up this latest phenomenon. "Nasal passages are protected much more by the presence of predominant nostril hair during the long, cold, Atlantic Canadian months than folks who are afflicted with little or no nasal hair growth"
Local Fiction Author Hospitalized After Signing $1 Million Dollar Book.
ECUM SECUM, NS (AP) - Nova Scotian Poet and Author Selma Smerler collapsed and had to be rushed to a Halifax hospital last Monday after signing a book worth $1 Million dollars.
Smurler, who's own books include 'The Night Old Nick's Balls Turned Blue', 'Annie May's Gone Astray and 'Gary The Lighthouse Keeper and Me' thought her publishers had
offered her a one million dollar advance for a book deal.
"The poor woman!" One friend lamented. "She'd Twittered, tweaked and God knows what else on her computer to her friends that she'd been offered this huge cash advance and was off to Ecum Secum to pick it up the following week.
Turns out what her publisher had really asked her to do was to sign a book covered in Gold and Diamonds worth over $1 Million dollars."
The book was being showcased as part of a celebration of Canada's greatest literary geniuses and was being flown around the country getting autographs of Canadian authors and poets before it went
back to the Ottawa Museum of Civilization as a national literary treasure.
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